“I just don’t know if I can get my coffee from the B&H cafe anymore,” reported sophomore Olivia Jones, ripping up romantic doodles of the two now-confirmed friends. “Part of the charm of my maple iced latte came from imagining Carl Barus and Alexander Holley wrapped tenderly in each other’s arms, exchanging sloppy kisses in every nook and cranny of the building.”

“It just feels like part of the magic is gone,” continued Jones, loading up a sad girl starter pack playlist. “Whenever I was struggling to stay awake in an ENGN class, I would wake myself up by thinking about the possibility that they had once torn each other’s shirts off, locked eyes, and brought their souls together in a language only they knew, right in my chair! Now that I know they’re just friends, what’s the point?”

At press time, Jones was seen making a heartbreaking discovery about Smith and Buonanno.