Damian's articles
Students across campus were devastated earlier this week by breaking news that Barus and Holley were, indeed, just friends.
“I just don’t know if I can get my coffee from the B&H cafe anymore,” reported sophomore Olivia Jones, ripping up romantic doodles of the two now-confirmed friends.
Sources report that freshman Josie Watts was talking to senior Anika Bhatt as if Anika was about to die.
“I can’t believe it’s almost your time to leave us behind,” a tearful Watts was overheard saying, looking upon Bhatt with a wistful fondness.
Local Senior Daniel Shell was reportedly in a wistful state after leaving his last ever Monday 11:00 AM Page-Robinson Gender Studies class.
“It just makes you realize how quickly life goes by, you know?” reported Shell, letting out a sigh and looking back at the Page-Robinson Hall with a single teardrop running down his cheek.
Sources report that a local spring break friend group is blissfully unaware that their trip to Cancún will be the last time any of them will want to speak to each other.
“I’m really excited to see what adventures I get up to with my besties,” reported junior Kayla Griffin, who had no clue about the arguments awaiting her and that rat bastard Emily.
Campus was abuzz this Monday at the news of sophomore Josh Ayala’s proposed independent concentration which combined one thing, another thing, and hell, why not a third thing too.
“I’ve always had a hard time fitting into any single box,” stated Ayala, actively adding ‘Multifaceted’ as a skill on their LinkedIn profile.
A recent career fair became the site of a crisis for senior Annemarie Brent, who was choosing between applying for positions at Teach For America and the local missile factory. “I’m really torn between my two greatest passions,” reported Brent, an Education and Missile Advancement double concentrator.
Hey Jared, hope you’re well. Just wanted to start off by saying you’ve been a pretty great housemate so far, and I’m glad we’ve moved in together. But, could you please stop eating my quarters?
I know, I know. The lease agreement just says we can’t have pets and can’t smoke indoors, and doesn’t say anything about eating quarters, but it’s still weird man.
Partly Cloudy, 64°
