“No Battle Bus, no loot llamas, not even one edible pickaxe. Instead, all I got was a stupid Among Us cake with three impostors for some reason,” said Lucas, menacingly gripping a plastic fork in his hand. “They don’t even love me, so why should I love them? I hope they burn in the fires of Tilted Towers."

“It was either Among Us or Daniel Tiger,” sighed Lucas’ mother, Diane Green, who had picked up the cake at Whole Foods while still wearing her hospital badge and someone else’s dried blood. “I had just worked a 14-hour shift, my feet hurt, and now I’m being told I’ve ‘ruined the aura’ of his party. I just wanted him to eat some overly sweet frosting and stop threatening to 2v1 us in the living room.”

At press time, Lucas was reportedly doxxing his parents’ address in multiple Discord servers.