Emily's articles
Reports indicate that a student seemed way too giddy during a recent Brown Debate dispute over the ethics of child labor.
“Look, the data speaks for itself,” stated Club President Ryan Freeman ‘27, his argumentative voice struggling to suppress a creeping giggle.
Sources confirm that a man with an alarmingly pronounced brow ridge is gearing up to absolutely demolish your argument in anthropology class.
“I thought I made a decent point,” said first-year student Timmy Smith, still visibly shaken. “The scripture was weird, but it was clearly about the discovery of fire, so I said it must’ve been revolutionary—keeping people warm, cooking food, all that good stuff.
A recently graduated Art History PhD student has developed an oddly intense obsession with scanning her own items at every store.
“I don’t think stealing is the crime, I think it’s the existence of private property,” said Sofia Davis, heading straight for the self-checkout while shoving a $12 soy candle into her faded tote bag next to a copy of The Communist Manifesto.
Sources confirm that Brown’s Crossword Club is as pointless as many had imagined.
“I think we only have meetings on Mondays, but I’m here every day because that’s how beautiful and valuable the club is. I even forgot it was a club. I was starting to see it as a lifestyle,” said long-time member Josh Lee ‘25, blissfully ignoring the fact that the club has zero practical implications and will look like a quirky footnote on his resume.
Reports indicate that your plantain-like friend just can’t resist intervening whenever he sees someone peeling their banana from the stem, which is obviously the wrong way to go about it.
“Ahh no no no, not right!” exclaimed the oblong-faced, asymmetrical, stalk-like friend who, much like a plantain, tricked you into thinking they’d be sweet but turned out to be weird and, clearly, kind of gross.
First-year Harold Anderson who paid an arm and a leg to get into Brown definitely wrote about being an amputee in his application.
“I don’t know what to say, except that whatever anyone thinks I did, I would never do,” exclaimed Anderson, subtly concealing the fact that his amputation had all been a ploy to pay his way into the University.
Partly Cloudy, 64°
