Emily's articles
Sources confirm that local 10-year-old Lucas Green has wished death upon both his parents after they failed to buy him a Fortnite-themed birthday cake.
“No Battle Bus, no loot llamas, not even one edible pickaxe. Instead, all I got was a stupid Among Us cake with three impostors for some reason,” said Lucas, menacingly gripping a plastic fork in his hand.
Sources confirm that a recent CAPS therapist has recommended a local Brown student reattempt using a higher window.
“It’s a metaphor,” said Dr. Hannah Morris, seated in front of a suspiciously empty weekly schedule. “A lot of students set their expectations far too low.
Sources confirmed that a local grandma remains blissfully unaware that her soft, wrinkled skin is becoming the perfect quality for a sweater.
“It’s honestly impressive,” said fiber arts concentrator Lucy Delaney ’27, gently patting Nana Pat’s forearm and testing the elasticity as if it were yarn quality.
Sources confirmed that a depressed student discovered a new hidden study spot this week directly beneath the traffic light between Thayer and Waterman Streets.
“It’s honestly perfect,” said Abigail Soto ’27, sitting cross-legged in a small pothole between the curb and a no-parking sign, balancing her laptop as cars honked inches away.
Sources report that area woman Olivia Chen’s friend, Carson Vail, who has access to her location, corrected her recounting of her own day.
“I love hearing about her version of the day,” claimed Vail while his eyes flickered down to the pulsing blue dot on his phone.
Sources confirmed that local 11th grader Doug Connor may have felt something for the very first time after reading a poem assigned in Mrs. Callahan’s third period English class.
“I can’t explain it,” muttered Doug, staring down at his Sour Patch Watermelon Twist vape with an open mouth, putting a pause on his mewing streak.
Reports indicate that a student seemed way too giddy during a recent Brown Debate dispute over the ethics of child labor.
“Look, the data speaks for itself,” stated Club President Ryan Freeman ‘27, his argumentative voice struggling to suppress a creeping giggle.
Sources confirm that a man with an alarmingly pronounced brow ridge is gearing up to absolutely demolish your argument in anthropology class.
“I thought I made a decent point,” said first-year student Timmy Smith, still visibly shaken. “The scripture was weird, but it was clearly about the discovery of fire, so I said it must’ve been revolutionary—keeping people warm, cooking food, all that good stuff.
A recently graduated Art History PhD student has developed an oddly intense obsession with scanning her own items at every store.
“I don’t think stealing is the crime, I think it’s the existence of private property,” said Sofia Davis, heading straight for the self-checkout while shoving a $12 soy candle into her faded tote bag next to a copy of The Communist Manifesto.
Sources confirm that Brown’s Crossword Club is as pointless as many had imagined.
“I think we only have meetings on Mondays, but I’m here every day because that’s how beautiful and valuable the club is. I even forgot it was a club. I was starting to see it as a lifestyle,” said long-time member Josh Lee ‘25, blissfully ignoring the fact that the club has zero practical implications and will look like a quirky footnote on his resume.
Reports indicate that your plantain-like friend just can’t resist intervening whenever he sees someone peeling their banana from the stem, which is obviously the wrong way to go about it.
“Ahh no no no, not right!” exclaimed the oblong-faced, asymmetrical, stalk-like friend who, much like a plantain, tricked you into thinking they’d be sweet but turned out to be weird and, clearly, kind of gross.
First-year Harold Anderson who paid an arm and a leg to get into Brown definitely wrote about being an amputee in his application.
“I don’t know what to say, except that whatever anyone thinks I did, I would never do,” exclaimed Anderson, subtly concealing the fact that his amputation had all been a ploy to pay his way into the University.
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