“We are thrilled to announce a new payment system in which students trek the kingdom of Vailarathia, thwart roaming orc hordes, spill blood onto the obelisk of penance, pluck golden doubloons from the cave lair of the sleeping necromancer Septimus, and subsequently exchange those doubloons for little baked goodies,” said director of food operations Rachel Smith. “If you want your feta and fig spread sandwiches, you better start assembling a team with a pudgy axe-wielding brute, a dynamic-yet-troubled gallivanter, and a sage wizardly figure whose self-sacrifice will win you enough doubloons for a midday snack.”

“We hope this will be a smooth transition for students,” continued Smith. “We can’t imagine the new policy being restrictive, except in instances when Septimus smites would-be vanquishers with the hellfire of a thousand wandering souls.”

At press time, wealthy students announced plans to hire expendable serfs to make the perilous journey to Septimus’ lair.