Declan's articles
Sources from the revived SexPowerGod party hosted last month confirm that it only offended three traditionalists.
“I’m always down to protest the moral degeneration of American youth, but this was a little underwhelming,” said traditionalist, Dan Scout, as students milled about in their underpants outside the hosting nightclub.
As 4th grade’s most overdeveloped behemoth squares up your child on a see-saw, other parents are reporting that a hulking giant is about to launch your sweet little boy to Venus.
“James has always been one of the biggest boys in the grade,” said local parent Heidi James, clutching her child close so he doesn’t approach the seesaw.
Sources from Potawotamee Lake, Wisconsin, report that local boat driver, Dale Kerchee, is gonna sober up and switch to a light beer.
“I’mgoingggsoofastt,” slurred Kerchee, about to take it easy and start drinking something hydrating like a Miller Lite.
Sources from the Providence City Council confirm that the mayor of the city is actually named “Mayor Smiley” as if this is The Lego Movie.
“I’m here to reform this dying city,” said Smiley as he slid down a fireman’s pole and cheerfully high-fived a group of construction workers before walking into his office at the top of City Hall.
Listen up, folks. I know what you’re going to say, and I completely get it. No one wants their one-day Spring Weekend to be headlined by someone with less than a million monthly listeners. Yves Tumor who? I thought the same thing. Avant Garde music is probably a bad choice for a campus-wide headliner.
Sources from the Main Green on Spring Weekend report that student Thomas Withers is going to compensate for the boring music by mixing their LSD with a dash of antifreeze.
“Yves Tumor is such an exciting artist,” said Wither, squeezing a little blue AutoZone bottle onto tabs of LSD.
500+ of local student Dale Sho’s LinkedIn connections reports his internship announcement post began with “to everyone who doubted me.”
“To everyone who doubted me, I am incredibly excited to announce I will be a member of Boeing’s 86th annual summer internship cohort,” wrote Sho, tagging the names of everyone he believes doubted him.
The guys down at the shop in Framingham, Massachusetts are reporting that local sexy forklift operator Dan Scharky is now carrying his forklift over his shoulder like a fireman with a hose.
“We have so much work to get done this week, and Dan is just over there like that,” said coworker Vinny Delgado, gesturing to his partner sultrily bending over to pick up the forklift and sling it over his shoulder like a fireman carrying a hose.
Weary travelers and wandering minstrels at the local tavern are reporting the tavern is so devoid of demure, plain-faced beauty ever since the wenches went on strike. “Some things never change, and some do” said wandering minstrel Finnegan Plot, writing a song about unassuming beauty of the kind you could make a house a homestead with.
Sources from Breaux Bridge, Louisiana report that a naked man with shrimp in his beard is about to show you how the Bayou gets down. “Well, he’s naked and has shrimp in his beard. Yup. Ole Barnabe Ledoux is about to get all Bayou-like on you,” said local bartender Cyrile DeLaCroix, gesturing to a naked man emerging from the swamp with a couple shrimp still stuck in his beard.
A groundbreaking study released out of Woods Hole National Marine Laboratory revealed that the first animal to crawl out of the water must have really hated how all other animals peed in the ocean. “Three hundred and seventy five million years ago, the ancestor to all land mammals made a monumental first step out of the ocean and onto land, setting the stage for the entire terrestrial existence of humanity,” said the report, adding that this creature must have been really grossed out about all the piss in the ocean.
Sources within the Brown Consulting Club report that it is the perfect opportunity for students about to waste their career to also waste their college experience.
“My goal is to be a consultant and spend my early 20s working 70 hour weeks,” said Philip Leiman, about to also choose to do that during college where he receives literally no compensation.
POINT: The Technological Revolution And Its Consequences Have Been Disastrous For Humanity by Luddite
The Technological Revolution and its consequences have been a disaster for the human race. They have greatly increased the life-expectancy of those of us who live in “advanced technology” countries, but they have destabilized society, made life unfulfilling, subjected human beings to indignities, led to widespread psychological suffering, and inflicted severe damage on the natural world.
Sources from the comment section of 6th-grader Karson Delavega’a Instagram report that the TBH sesh is oscillating between a bullying and mating ritual. “TBH idk you but you’re super cute, we should def hang sometime,” wrote Karson in the comments under the “Like for a TBH and rate post,” before oscillating back into bullying mode.
Kennedy Graves, a rising pop star, eagerly awaits her big break into the world of pop stardom by getting called gay by the New York Times Opinion section. “I’ve been doing everything right. I’ve got a great manager; the record label is doing all my promo; and I’ve been blowing up on Tik Tok,” said Graves, taking a break from writing her new song “I Like Men (Yeah, Yeah, Yeah).” “Now all that remains is for some brainy NYT editor to opine about my suppressed homosexuality as expressed through the homoerotic undertones in my body of music.”
“Me and my boyfriend are always talking about what it will be like when I know I’ve made it, and I can sit back and relax,” said Graves, kissing her boyfriend in a heterosexual manner.
Local sources report that local man Jason Rogers has declared “Game Recognizes Game” despite being a poor example of game. “You have to give it to Brock Purdy; he’s been lighting it up for being drafted as Mr. Irrelevant.” said Rogers, who needs a break after walking four flights of stairs.
Local Student, Felipe Parola, is reportedly extremely excited to return home and spend six weeks as the worst version of himself.
“Wow, this semester has been too long. I need to take a huge break before I can even look at Canvas again,” said Parola, about to return home and start playing Fortnite again, sleep till 4pm, and not think a single thought.
Marco Berardi, creator of the Instagram Stories feature, is reportedly elated they are finally being used for their original purpose of empathetic engagement with the world’s thorniest geopolitical issues.
“I was absolutely dismayed when I released this tool just for people to post pink-filtered boomerangs of their dogs,” said Berardi, who designed ‘Stories’ for scrupulously thought-out discussions on uniquely complex conflicts.
Sources from within the Brown Concert Agency report that the student group is a fantastic example of how cool vibes and a niche taste in music do not make you an efficient manager of a massive student budget.
“Being a member of the BCA means you’re basically a Spotify Tastemaker for the entire Brown community,” said BCA member Sachè Green, lighting a hand-rolled cigarette from a stack of burning $100 bills.
Sources report that an emaciated polar bear featured alone on an ice floe in the most recent National Geographic issue is actually just grunge and anxious.
“As climate change wrecks our ecosystems, this thin, lonesome polar bear represents the starvation and catastrophic end of a once great species,” said the article, speaking about the polar bear who is actually just on the floe because the other polar bears only know his name, not his story.
Unfurling a scroll of yellow parchment containing the founding decree of Brown University, Dean Smithers, a University administrator, read aloud for the first time founding principles of intellectual pursuit, integrity, and not pissing off donors.
“Here, upon this hallowed land, we shall construct buildings––great buildings that will play host to fierce debate over relevant issues––and we shall give those buildings names, and those name wills be auctioned off to the highest bidder,” read Dean Smithers, pausing to add gravitas, “and we will under no circumstances upset the name-givers, for they are the lifeblood of our existence.”
“We as an educational institution will aspire to lofty ideals of virtuous study and harmonious existence,” continued Smithers, about to arrive to his favorite part in the document that outlines the moral code of the entire University, “and never, I repeat, never, in pursuit of these goals should the university bite the hand that feeds it.”
At press time, RISD’s administration unearthed a founding decree that was some bullshit pop-art rendition of a soup can..
Catering to pent up demand, a local library has debuted their new ‘0 Decibel But Thinkin’ Horny Things’ section.
“We knew exactly what you little horny bastards were thinking,” said librarian Sophie Minken. “So we got you your own little section where you can go be saucy, studious freaks amongst other patrons who can’t study with noise but are thinking sexy thoughts the whole time.”
“It feels so great having a designated section for everyone on the same page as me,” said ‘0 Decibel But Thinkin’ Horny Things’ patron Matt Barstow, stealing a cheeky glance at the two other patrons inaudibly studying.
After a series of conflicts between roommates, an email asking someone in the group to stop leaving out minced goat intestines was addressed to Ryan, Meg, Sal, and Hafthorn, Son of Krongad the Butcher.
“I don’t want to point fingers, Ryan, Meg, Sal, and Hafthorn, Hunter of Infinite Bloodlust,” began the email, listing every possible culprit.
After a tragic accident in Norman, Oklahoma, Dale Sjain, memorialized on a t-shirt as “Ridin’ on in Heaven,” would actually be pretty avoidant of motorcycles now.
“Dalie, I know you’re riding up there on that 750cc Kawasaki Dad got you for your 17th,” said Sjain’s brother, as if a fatal accident wouldn’t be reason enough to lay off the motorcycles for a while.
Recent analyses confirm that the authors of the Second Amendment in 1791 would have never been able to predict a 140 feet-per-second double stryke NERF gun.
“I am not certain of many things, but I am completely certain that James Madison, who was once arrested for driving a carriage on the Sabbath, would have never had the prescience to foresee and account for the implications of the newest lineup of Nerf© tri-barrel faceblaster tactical arms,” said historian Smith Jackson, watching as his son effortlessly blasted small rodents into oblivion with his own NERF gun.
In an attempt to distinguish herself from all of the other business-minded students vying for jobs in consulting and finance, Senior Krishna Thompson ‘24 is going to try playing hard to get this recruiting season. “Hey.. sorry for the late response, I was in the shower,” wrote Thompson in response to an interview request she received three days earlier.
A new report has been published revealing that the “Give a Hoot, Don’t Pollute” owl can only be some sort of advanced sentient animal capable of understanding climate science.
The report, over 60 pages in length, lays the framework for the level of sentience required of the owl to both understand the pun contained in ‘giving a hoot,’ as well as the broader societal implications of pollution.
Giving a bashful little flick of its tail before swimming under a local whale hunter’s boat, a total flirt of whale is driving local grizzled whale hunter so wild.
Maritime sources confirm that Captain Bahboo is absolutely frothing at the helm of his whale-hunting ship ever since his little captain hat fell into the water and the whale salaciously juggled it into the air a few times before putting it on and swimming off.
Point: “Wow, It’s So Funny Seeing All The Freshman Nervously Grouping Up”
By Suzie Davis
Hahah isn’t it great seeing all the friend groups the freshman form during the first few days? Yesterday I was walking down Thayer and had to cross the street to pass a group of literally 18 of them looking for a party to go to.
After applying to Brown for its wide breadth of class choices, innocent freshman engineering student Tommy Gorman is gonna learn so quickly that the Open Curriculum ain’t open for everyone. “There’s this really cool RISD sculpture course I’ve been looking at,” said Gorman, whose next 8 semesters will be solely composed of shit with names like “Fluid Dynamics of Asymptotic Perturbation Methods.” “I’ve heard great things about the Urban Studies department too.”
Gorman, who one day will feel grateful for the opportunity to get credit for “The Social Impact of Engineering,” is reportedly shopping different English courses with his humanities friends, completely unaware that he will never have the opportunity to take a single course outside of his concentration.
Aides familiar with the internal workings of Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell have jumped to his defense after allegations of poor health, instead claiming that he is actually just pausing to fondly reminisce on The Confederacy.
“Senator McConnell is perfectly healthy and functioning as well as ever,” said top aide Tucker Sweeney, stepping up to the podium as McConnell froze at yet another press conference.
Enthusiastically shouting at the person controlling the speaker to “Hit it, DJ,” gets the people going in all scenarios but work, local funeral director, Stu Morrison, has learned.
“It’s always been my social role to get people stoked on whatever it is we’re doing.
Local theatre student, Simon Columbi, would reportedly be a banker if his father wasn’t so warm and emotionally available.
“It’s like every time I bring up that, you know, I don’t want to just follow the path laid out in front of me, he sits me down for a long talk,” said Columbi, referencing their numerous heart to hearts about following an artistic passion.
Opening their phone to an alert for a new text message from mom, junior Sarah Biltmore ‘24 is sure that she will receive either a goofy photo of her lovable childhood dog, or a somber update on the current condition of one of her relatives.
“LOL.
Authorities in Mississippi have ordered a local marijuana grower to cease cultivation activity, terminate the growth of the plants, and surrender the flowers in neatly wrapped paper cylindrical bundles, preferably with a little twist at the end. “Localized cultivation of extremely potent marijuana has gone on for long enough,” said Sheriff’s deputy Mark Shythe.
Releasing their 2022 college rankings, US News & World Report has ranked Brown as the best college environment for concealing the fact that you went to prep school. “Though we want to make sure NYU and Amherst aren’t forgotten in the hype, there truly is no place like Brown for camouflaging yourself as someone who had an educational experience that could even remotely be described as average,” said top US News university analyst Silvio Choi.
Sources report that snivelly guy Cyrus Jones, who can be found at the Atheneum conspicuously reading ‘Infinite Jest,’ is totally the type to use his
one wish to ask a genie for more wishes. “Most of his sentences seem to start with ‘Um, actually,” then he launches into some semantic analysis of why ev- erything you just said was wrong,” said classmate Nicki Dermott, sideways glancing in Jones’ direction.
Chortling in a huddled circle, a bunch of silly pranksters Sharpied a penis onto the forehead of their passed-out pilot. "My favorite moment was when Steve added a few curly pubes to the balls," said goof-off Evan Gregs, hurtling over the Atlantic Ocean at 750 miles per hour.
Sources report local momager Kristin Burbia keeps dropping hints for her daughter to hurry up and get on with her first scandal. For her daughter’s first return home since leaving the house, Burbia reportedly kept insinuating how happy it would make her to see her daughter take the plunge and commit some public impropriety.
During the brief window in which their professor left his desktop projected, students reportedly psychoanalyzed every detail available.
“The first thing I saw was a cluster of attachments in the bottom left corner,” said student Henry Sporell, who was engaged in class for the first time all period.
Standing up among the booms of ground-shaking artillery fire with a message for group of hunching men anxiously waiting for news of the armistice, trench soldier William Davies, whose head is inches above the trench wall, wants everyone to know that—
In other news, Grandpa says that the sole heir to the family beach house will be—
You–yeah you! What’s your interest rate in hopping on my boat, baby? The market goes up, the market goes down. Just like this sick 32-footer in the Ibizan waves. Come on–don’t be shy.
There’s plenty of Lime-A-Rita, and my buddy Jeff got the complete works of AC/DC pre-downloaded into the speaker system.
Walking by a large sign for the new, futuristic “Spitzer-Zirkonia Center For Digital Media,” Josh Spitzer-Zirkonia ‘24 is really hoping none of his friends make the connection. “I mean, like they won’t notice, right?” thought Spitzer-Zirkonia about the sign that referenced three generations of Spitzer-Zirkonia Brown alumni.
The lack of chemistry between two students speaking for the first time is becoming glaringly obvious by the mere seconds it’s taking for their conversation to devolve into a discussion of dining hall preferences.
“Yeah it’s just that the line at the Ratty have been so brutal this year,” said freshman Dave Jones, trying to remember if he’s already asked where his conversational partner is from.
Leaning up against the tailgate of his red F-150 and giving it a solid slap, Provost Richard Locke encouraged workers at the COVID test factory to “load’er up.”
“Hell, there’s nothing that this roadhog cain’t haul,” said Locke, nodding assuredly to factory workers dumping loose boxes of COVID tests into the truck.
Standing on an ice floe with several week’s supplies left, sources in Arctic Expeditioner Robert Broadson’s party report he was way too quick to propose eating the sled dogs.
“After the ice broke off and we were stuck here for a couple of hours, he started scribbling in this yellowed notebook about how ‘The North takes no prisoners,’” said party member Gerard Piche, gauging the weather on his Garmin sat-phone.
Point: If Loving You Baby Is Uncouth, I Don’t Wanna Be Couth, by Ike Chagrin
Alas and alack! You jest well, sugar pie, but know one thing. If loving you baby is uncouth, then I don’t wanna be couth. Just because human resources declare it so, does not setteth in stone! Just because there is a goalkeeper, doth not mean we cannot score!
Just one shot, baby, and I’ll give you the keys to the Cleveland kingdom.
Waving his hand in a show of friendliness, your hostel roommate Axel Franz greets you with an exuberant “Hallo!” and his pubes all over your shared sink. “So, where you are from?!,” asks Franz, shamelessly aware of the gift he left in the only source of running water you have for the next three days.
Sources at Brandon’s bar mitzvah afterparty confirm that his little brother Michael, who is currently writhing around on the dance floor doing the worm, is a one-trick pony.
“It was dope when he did it at Josh’s laser tag birthday,” said Michael’s best friend Kyle, looking anywhere but at Michael’s floor-wriggling.
Inside sources report that Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg is unbelievably excited to use the company’s new virtual reality technology to inhabit a world in which he resembles a human being.
“As he explores the possibilities of the metaverse, Mark has really enjoyed creating a version of himself much closer to an average adult,” said Meta spokesperson Jill Reed, watching a screen on which Zuckerberg’s avatar was getting a beer with an old friend from college and chatting amiably with the bartender.
Inside sources report that Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg is unbelievably excited to use the company’s new virtual reality technology to inhabit a world in which he resembles a human being.
“As he explores the possibilities of the metaverse, Mark has really enjoyed creating a version of himself much closer to an average adult,” said Meta spokesperson Jill Reed, watching a screen on which Zuckerberg’s avatar was getting a beer with an old friend from college and chatting amiably with the bartender.
In response to the University’s eviction of the Brown Daily Herald from their building of fifty years to the WBRU building, editors are reportedly kinda flattered to follow in the footsteps of other gutted, deteriorating newspapers.
“This obligatory eviction from our traditional workspace lends us legitimacy as a real, waningly relevant newspaper,” said Metro Editor Tilda Heffrey with a glimmer of pride in her eyes.
A recent campus-wide email broke the news that the Blue Room, which once accepted meal plan, will now only accept golden doubloons plucked from the lair of Septimus the Beguiling.
“We are thrilled to announce a new payment system in which students trek the kingdom of Vailarathia, thwart roaming orc hordes, spill blood onto the obelisk of penance, pluck golden doubloons from the cave lair of the sleeping necromancer Septimus, and subsequently exchange those doubloons for little baked goodies,” said director of food operations Rachel Smith.
“Building off of that,” began Dylan Jackson ‘24, about to introduce a point that has literally zero bearing on the current thread of conversation. “Going off of what you just said there, and building off of it as well, it’s worth noting that medieval plague doctors generally weren’t very good at medicine,” contributed Jackson, oblivious to his complete derailment of the class discussion.
Amid the release of the spring UCS survey, CCB announced that they are planning on leaving UCS but totally get it if no one cares.
“CCB provides invaluable resources for the campus community through events and elections, which is why we must become independent,” said junior class CCB President Indigo Breyers, inviting every one of his Facebook friends to like CCB’s upcoming Zoom dance marathon.
To the great frustration of those around him, Political Science concentrator Kwame Bishop will not stop speaking like he is in an Aaron Sorkin script.
“Do I come off as unhinged? You bet your ass,” said Bishop, continuing to walk at a furious pace as if he were picking up classified foreign intelligence briefings and not an Uncrustable from Jo’s.
At a recent tech conference, Zoom CEO Luke McDonough announced a new “Zoom For Business” service that would automatically mute the microphones of all female participants.
“With the post-COVID shift of business meetings to online platforms, we noticed frustration among businesses that our platform gave equal volume to female meeting participants,” said McDonough, outlining how every single female participant’s voice will now be pre-muted.
Lowering the visor on the gleaming Iron Man suit he recently bought, Provost Locke apologized for taking so long to give students the $4.8 million in federal COVID relief funds the University received last year.
“Understandably, some students have raised questions about our lengthy timeline for distributing the federal student relief funds that Brown was awarded in April and December 2020,” Locke said, absentmindedly thumbing the glowing mechanical core now embedded in his chest.
Bypassing the hundred Chemistry terms you memorized in preparation for this midterm, the back of your brain reportedly checked in during your Organic Chemistry midterm to let you know that your ASK.FM is still out there.
Despite the hours you put into preparing for this test, it was no match for obscure and long-buried knowledge that what your hormone-riddled young mind once put on the internet will stay there forever.
After receiving a low place in the housing lottery, Priscilla Worthington ’21 came tantalizingly close to understanding the concept of privilege.
“It’s like my life is harder through no fault of my own,” said Worthington, starting down a journey that would end just millimeters short of self-awareness.
Meeting his best friend for the first time in while, local straight guy Chris White artfully reminded everyone of his heterosexuality by accentuating the friendly embrace with several mid-hug thumps on the back.
“Hey man! Long time no see,” said White as he embraced his friend, sneaking in a few solid thumps to eliminate any undertones of homosexuality.
Sources report that senior Brad Spaling, who often refers to himself in the third person as “Drunk Me,” is also an asshole when not under the influence.
“Whoo, you better watch out for ‘Drunk Me,’” said Spaling, everyone’s least favorite person to grab breakfast, lunch, and dinner with.
A report released this week concluded that if NPR personality Ira Glass were to release a sex tape tomorrow, the probability that your mother would watch it is extremely high.
“Our studies found that your mother would not just seek out the tape for a quick peek," the report stated, referring to the woman who raised you.
Dragging his feet home after a disappointing day in the woods, local eight-year-old Mario fan Kevin Jenkins was crestfallen after learning that jumping on the backs of turtles only makes crunchy noises. “I don’t get it! I thought maybe I wasn’t jumping hard enough, so I jumped extra hard, but that just made louder crunchy noises,” continued Kevin, bummed about his lack of air time from forcefully leaping onto unsuspecting turtles.
Partly Cloudy, 64°
