Sunday, November 29, 2020
Partly Cloudy icon Partly Cloudy, 64°

The Brown Noser

Declan Johnson

Writer

Declan's articles

Your ASK.FM Still Out There, Reports Back Of Brain During Orgo Midterm | Apr 24 2020

Bypassing the hundred Chemistry terms you memorized in preparation for this midterm, the back of your brain reportedly checked in during your Organic Chemistry midterm to let you know that your ASK.FM is still out there. Despite the hours you put into preparing for this test, it was no match for obscure and long-buried knowledge that what your hormone-riddled young mind once put on the internet will stay there forever.

Wealthy Student Upset About Housing Lottery Tantalizingly Close To Understanding Concept Of Privilege | Apr 24 2020

After receiving a low place in the housing lottery, Priscilla Worthington ’21 came tantalizingly close to understanding the concept of privilege. “It’s like my life is harder through no fault of my own,” said Worthington, starting down a journey that would end just millimeters short of self-awareness.

Straight Guy Asserts Straightness Through Mid-Hug Thump On Back | Apr 24 2020

Meeting his best friend for the first time in while, local straight guy Chris White artfully reminded everyone of his heterosexuality by accentuating the friendly embrace with several mid-hug thumps on the back. “Hey man! Long time no see,” said White as he embraced his friend, sneaking in a few solid thumps to eliminate any undertones of homosexuality.

Guy Who Refers To “Drunk Me” Also Asshole When Sober | Apr 24 2020

Sources report that senior Brad Spaling, who often refers to himself in the third person as “Drunk Me,” is also an asshole when not under the influence. “Whoo, you better watch out for ‘Drunk Me,’” said Spaling, everyone’s least favorite person to grab breakfast, lunch, and dinner with.

Report: Your Mom Would Probably Watch Ira Glass Sex Tape | Apr 24 2020

A report released this week concluded that if NPR personality Ira Glass were to release a sex tape tomorrow, the probability that your mother would watch it is extremely high. “Our studies found that your mother would not just seek out the tape for a quick peek," the report stated, referring to the woman who raised you.

Mario Fan Disappointed To Learn Jumping On Turtles Just Makes Crunchy Noises | Apr 24 2020

Dragging his feet home after a disappointing day in the woods, local eight-year-old Mario fan Kevin Jenkins was crestfallen after learning that jumping on the backs of turtles only makes crunchy noises. “I don’t get it! I thought maybe I wasn’t jumping hard enough, so I jumped extra hard, but that just made louder crunchy noises,” continued Kevin, bummed about his lack of air time from forcefully leaping onto unsuspecting turtles.