“They think they’re so Goddamn important,” explained sophomore Mackenzie Funke as she passively retweeted Greta Thunberg, “Why the hell do I care? I don’t even think I’ve ever seen a sea turtle. I mean they’re objectively much lamer than fish.”

“I think if I was alone in a room with a sea turtle right now, well, I-I don’t know what I would do,” she said, before staring off into the distance with a burning intensity while clutching her “SAVE THE BEES” Hydroflask. “I definitely wouldn’t do something kind. I mean what have they ever done for me besides ruin my iced coffee? They’re non-functional members of society.”

At press time, students have been calling Ubers in fits of rage because the RIPTA was taking too long.