Sunday, May 19, 2024
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The Brown Noser

Grace Freeman

Writer

Grace's articles

Uh Oh! Your Middle School Bully Was Honestly Right About A Lot Of That Weird Shit You Were Up To | May 03 2024

In a harrowing scene out of your hometown this past week, it turns out that your middle school bully was actually spot on about the weird shit you were doing back then. “Oh, Sarah? I remember her, she was the one who would literally put frogs in the desk,” commented Chelsea Delaney, your nemesis from 5th to 7th grade, as she checked her nails idly.

Hookups Between Underground Employees So Incestuous They Rival Tudor England | May 03 2024

Recent reports from the Underground show that all of the employees have hooked up with each other at one point or another, creating a web of encounters more incestuous than that of Tudor Era England. “Clarke and Baker have been seeing each other casually for a month or so,” veteran barista Alex Caldwell told reporters as two other workers flirted through eye contact as though they were across the high court from one another.

Plucky Orphan Would Trade All The Pluck In The World For Parents Back | May 03 2024

In a sad turn of events out of the Grimley Orphanage For Unattended Children, local plucky orphan Tildy Wiggins would be willing to trade all the pluck in the world for a chance to be with her parents again. “People keep telling me I have spunk,” Wiggins commented as she traced a well-worn, crinkled photo of her long-passed mother with her finger.

Report: Size Of The Dog In The Fight Is Pretty Relevant To Outcome Of Dog Fight, Actually | May 03 2024

In a scene out of the Nassau County Dog Fighting Convention this past weekend, it was revealed that the size of the dog in the fight had a pretty direct impact on the outcome of a dog fight. “That whole expression has really overtaken our industry”, veteran dog fighting coach Rusty Daniels told reporters while scraping a toy poodle mix off the wall.

Impish Little Man Does Incredible Numbers Among Whimsical Women | Mar 15 2024

In an adorable showing this past week, Felix Vandergreed, an utterly impish little man, did incredible numbers among whimsical women. “Felix has something really special,” local whimsical woman Lacy O’Malley told reporters as Vandergreed pranced through a field of daisies, whooping and hollering the whole way.

Dad Clearly Making A Gametime Decision About Whether Or Not To Be Weird To Your New Boyfriend | Mar 15 2024

In a tense exchange this past weekend, your father was clearly making a heat of the moment decision about whether or not to be weird to your new boyfriend. “He seems like a nice kid,” your father began, clearly deciding to not convinced in the slightest, “but I don’t know.

24 Hour Play Probably Would Have Benefitted From Another Day Or Two | Mar 15 2024

In a tragic turn out of the Perelman Arts District this past weekend, it was obvious that the 24 hour play really might have been better with another day or two of prep time. “They clearly thought they were doing something really subversive and interesting,” one disgruntled play viewer George Walker told reporters as actors in the play forgot their lines, “but none of the punchlines made any sense.

No Way To Adjust Tank Top Without Feeling Like The Village’s Most Insatiable Harlot | Mar 15 2024

In a disappointing turn of events out of the main green this past weekend, Jennifer Morgan realized that there was no way to adjust her tank top without feeling like the most insatiable harlot in the whole village. “I thought I just needed to fix a strap, but as soon as I reached for it, I felt judgment from the whole village,” Morgan reported, glancing around the main green as she provocatively readjusted her boob, “it was like they could see something dark and monstrous in me.” “I immediately felt myself possessed with some energy I couldn’t define when I went to fix my tank top,” Morgan continued as she attempted in vain to keep her boobs trapped in their tank top prison, “it was like I was calling out to everybody with a siren song, begging them to look my way.” Morgan concluded, despite the fact that nobody had looked her way or even noticed that she was adjusting her clothing.

Sweet Children! Can I Offer You Some Delectable Marzipan From My Personal Stash? It Will Dance Over Your Tongue As Jolly As A Pixie Upon The Knoll! by Gimble, The Marzipan King | Mar 15 2024

Hark! Children! Do you know what time it is? Well of course, it’s time to take some marzipan from me, Gimble, Marzipan King! As your benevolent ruler and patriarch, it is my duty to make sure my little babies get their sweet treats in their tummies, and boy do I have sweet treats a-plenty.

Report: Brown Student Kind Of Dull For How Insane He Dresses | Feb 16 2024

In a disappointing scene out of the Main Green this past week, local Brown university student Darby Harrison was actually a total snoozefest of a person, despite the elaborate way he dressed. “I really like it here at Brown, although I’m not super involved in any of the on campus groups,” Harrison reported as he pulled on his purple knee-high boots.

“Just Get It To Me Whenever You Can,” Says Professor Who Clearly Isn’t Aware Of Your Crippling Inability To Self Regulate | Feb 16 2024

In a harrowing scene from Friedman Hall this past Monday, Professor Graff told you that you could get an essay to him “whenever worked for you” despite the fact that you have zero ability to self regulate. “Just let me know whenever you can turn it in,” Professor Graff told you on the way out of class, unaware that you would interpret “whenever you can” to mean well over a month.

Family Going Around Saying What They’re Grateful For Pissed That Aunt Carol Took “Good Health” Off The Board So Early | Dec 08 2023

In a tense family tableau this past Thanksgiving, the entire Schiller family was honestly pissed that Aunt Carol claimed “good health” so early in the gratitude game. “Carol’s always fucking doing this,” Peter Schiller said, hands shaking with rage as he passed the gravy.

Report: Grandpa Still Saying “Woman-Doctor”, But Honestly It's Not Worth Ruining Thanksgiving Over | Dec 08 2023

In a familiar scene out of your Thanksgiving dinner, your grandpa was still referring to all female physicians as “woman-doctors,” but really, there’s no point in arguing over this one. “You know his sister was a woman-doctor, which, back then, you didn’t see so many of,” he said, setting off alarm bells in the minds of everyone at the table.

Brown Football Team Doing It Ironically | Dec 08 2023

In a shocking revelation out of the OMAC this past Wednesday, members of the Brown football team revealed that they are doing the whole thing ironically. “It’s actually such a good bit that me and the boys came up with one night over some claws,” said quarterback Corm Johnson as he ironically started his hour long full-body warm-up.

Kings Of Leon Clearly Don’t Understand That Sex On Fire Would Hurt | Dec 08 2023

Grammy Award-winning rock band, Kings Of Leon, clearly don’t seem to get that their 2008 smash hit, “Sex On Fire,” describes an altogether painful and totally unsexy experience. You would need so much lube and, like, fireproof condoms, which are definitely more expensive than regular ones,” local music expert Keely Francis posited, bewildered at the pyrodynamics of the act in question.

Brutal English Class Assigns Reading, Writing | Oct 27 2023

In a horrifying scene out of Brown University this past week, Professor Segin of ENGL1700, Authors Of The Romance Era, expected his students to read the given material, formulate opinions about it, and write those opinions down in analytical essay format.

Local Brown Student Struggling To Decide Whether To Dress Like A Victorian Ghost Or Jesse Pinkman Today | Oct 27 2023

According to a recent report, Junior Alex Martin was paralyzed with indecision over whether to dress like the ghost of a Victorian woman or Breaking Bad’s most lovable meth dealer. “Usually I wake up with a pretty strong fit already planned, but today I literally could not decide between my floor length white lace negligee or my JNCOS and hoodie,” Martin said as he rifled through piles of desecrated denim and crocheted arm bands.

Guy On Crew Team Scootering Around Campus With Knowledge That He Holding This University Up On His Broad, Tan Back | Oct 27 2023

In an inspiring scene from Faunce Arch this past week, Crew team captain JJ Mathews was spotted on a scooter, secure in the knowledge that he was one of the few people standing between Brown University and utter chaos. “I think it’s just my sacred duty to protect and serve on this campus,” Mathews said as he barreled through a crowd of six people on his way to ENGN90.

Man Confidently Walks Through Faunce Arch During Acapella Performance Like Moses Parting Red Sea | Sep 22 2023

In a shocking act of bravery out of Faunce Arch this week, Brown student Max Kimm marched through a group of fifteen acapella singers to get to his destination, parting the crowd as though he were Moses, splitting the Red Sea. “I’ve never seen anything like it,” one onlooker remarked on the holy sense of purpose that seemed to flow through Kimm, “he held one arm up, and the singers just split like they were compelled by the hand of God.

Class Discussion Between Students Who Didn’t Do The Reading Veering Dangerously Close To Orwellian Doublethink | Sep 22 2023

In a familiar scene from Macmillan Hall this past week, a conversation between the students of ENGL1800H devolved into a menagerie of contradictory statements resembling the lingo used in George Orwell’s 1984. “I think that Denver is obviously a non-physical entity, despite her human form,” said Macy Collins confidently contradicting her previous point.

Grody Little Keeney Scum Slops Home To Stinky Dorm Hovel | Sep 22 2023

According to sources on the scene, noted Keeney scum Raymond Logan slopped his way home to the putrid, vile little shanty he calls home. Logan, who lives in the Jasement, was spotted leaving a stinking green trail the entire way from Andrews back to his little subterranean dirt hole, where he would retire for his nasty little evening.

Student Who Got Put In Perkins Acting Like She’s Joan Of Arc | Sep 22 2023

In a dramatic scene out of the Main Green this past weekend, Brown sophomore student Bliss Martin was seen acting like Joan of Arc over the fact that she had been placed in Perkins. “I have a duty not just to myself, but to my country,” Martin commented, staring off into the middle distance, despite the fact that her room was actually quite spacious.

Teehee, The Little Silly Wantses The Override Code? Nay! by Gimlock Cab | Sep 22 2023

Does it want its little code? The Silly wantses the little override? Nay! Nay I says. The stupid little silly does not get the PIN to get into ENGL1700G. Not If I, Gimlock Cab, has anything to says in the matter! The little silly thinks it can register for four classes it wantses, but it is so stupid, so pinheaded.

Crayon Eaten | Sep 22 2023

In a troubling scene out of Fox Point Day Care this past Tuesday, six-year-old Willow Reaves finally made good on her repeated threats to eat one of her 110 Crayola crayons. “Yeah, she got into the crayon box this morning,” said a witness on the scene, junior teacher Miss Jenna, as she swept wax shards off the floor.

Report: Petition Signed 240% More When Petitioner Is Sort of Hot | May 12 2023

Sources report that petitions gained an average of 240% more signatures when the person promoting said petition was mildly hot. “I think the fact that his hair was kinda swoopy and shiny definitely made me care more,” reported sophomore Dana Lowenthal after seeing a moderately hot guy holding a petition.

Disney Channel Protagonist Declares Inevitability of Barf After Parents Share Single, Chaste Kiss | May 12 2023

In a stunning display of emotional immaturity, Maisie McDoogle, the tween protagonist of the hit Disney show, “Maisie Makes Waves”, proclaimed that she was “totally gonna barf chunks” after her mother and father shared a tight lipped, millisecond long kiss.

Nation’s Aunts Report That You Must Be Driving Those Boys Crazy Up In Rhode Island | May 12 2023

The nation’s aunts released a statement this past weekend declaring that you must be driving those boys crazy up in Rhode Island. “My niece is just such a pretty young girl, I’m sure those poor Ocean State boys don’t know what to do with themselves,” your Aunt Sarah said, greatly overestimating your general rizz.

Blue Room Paper Straws So Flimsy You'll Want To Choke Out Those Turtles Yourself | Apr 14 2023

According to reports out of the Blue Room this past Tuesday, the paper straws provided in lieu of real ones were so unsuited for any kind of liquid that multiple students were drawn to Tony Soprano-esque fits of rage. “They think they’re so Goddamn important,” explained sophomore Mackenzie Funke as she passively retweeted Greta Thunberg, “Why the hell do I care? I don’t even think I’ve ever seen a sea turtle.

British Student Reading Aloud In Class Sort Of Like Free Audiobook | Apr 14 2023

In a delightful story from the List Art Center, the students of Modern Fantasy Literature were treated to a full page of narration from British student Connor Schmidt. “I just love when Connor volunteers in class,” said junior Ella Mendes, pulled into a dreamlike trance by Connor’s words.

Single Junior With Laptop Taking Up Table Big Enough For Last Supper | Apr 14 2023

In a harrowing scene from The Ratty this weekend, a group of 10 freshmen falsely believed they had found a table, only to realize that one Junior was already sitting at the 14-seater, rendering it completely unusable. “She really has a whole set up going there,” said freshman Paul Michaelson of Tess Palmer.

24 Hour Play Weirdly Similar To Regular Production Of Hamlet | Apr 14 2023

In a strange turn of events, last Saturday’s much anticipated 24 hour play was reportedly nearly identical in plot, script, to one of the bard’s most famous plays. “At first I was super excited to see a play created and put on in 24 hours, it seems like such a sick idea.

Broken Record Doesn’t Love All The Unflattering Comparisons, Actually | Apr 14 2023

Local record Abbey Road by The Beatles, was reportedly quoted earlier today as saying that it was “actually pretty offended” at repeated comparisons to your mother, father, and middle school English teacher. “It’s cool, it’s whatever," said Road after listening to you complaining to your roommate about your mom nagging you to call your aunt.