Sunday, June 4, 2023
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The Brown Noser

Grace Freeman


Grace's articles

Report: Petition Signed 240% More When Petitioner Is Sort of Hot | May 12 2023

Sources report that petitions gained an average of 240% more signatures when the person promoting said petition was mildly hot. “I think the fact that his hair was kinda swoopy and shiny definitely made me care more,” reported sophomore Dana Lowenthal after seeing a moderately hot guy holding a petition.

Disney Channel Protagonist Declares Inevitability of Barf After Parents Share Single, Chaste Kiss | May 12 2023

In a stunning display of emotional immaturity, Maisie McDoogle, the tween protagonist of the hit Disney show, “Maisie Makes Waves”, proclaimed that she was “totally gonna barf chunks” after her mother and father shared a tight lipped, millisecond long kiss.

Nation’s Aunts Report That You Must Be Driving Those Boys Crazy Up In Rhode Island | May 12 2023

The nation’s aunts released a statement this past weekend declaring that you must be driving those boys crazy up in Rhode Island. “My niece is just such a pretty young girl, I’m sure those poor Ocean State boys don’t know what to do with themselves,” your Aunt Sarah said, greatly overestimating your general rizz.

Blue Room Paper Straws So Flimsy You'll Want To Choke Out Those Turtles Yourself | Apr 14 2023

According to reports out of the Blue Room this past Tuesday, the paper straws provided in lieu of real ones were so unsuited for any kind of liquid that multiple students were drawn to Tony Soprano-esque fits of rage. “They think they’re so Goddamn important,” explained sophomore Mackenzie Funke as she passively retweeted Greta Thunberg, “Why the hell do I care? I don’t even think I’ve ever seen a sea turtle.

British Student Reading Aloud In Class Sort Of Like Free Audiobook | Apr 14 2023

In a delightful story from the List Art Center, the students of Modern Fantasy Literature were treated to a full page of narration from British student Connor Schmidt. “I just love when Connor volunteers in class,” said junior Ella Mendes, pulled into a dreamlike trance by Connor’s words.

Single Junior With Laptop Taking Up Table Big Enough For Last Supper | Apr 14 2023

In a harrowing scene from The Ratty this weekend, a group of 10 freshmen falsely believed they had found a table, only to realize that one Junior was already sitting at the 14-seater, rendering it completely unusable. “She really has a whole set up going there,” said freshman Paul Michaelson of Tess Palmer.

24 Hour Play Weirdly Similar To Regular Production Of Hamlet | Apr 14 2023

In a strange turn of events, last Saturday’s much anticipated 24 hour play was reportedly nearly identical in plot, script, to one of the bard’s most famous plays. “At first I was super excited to see a play created and put on in 24 hours, it seems like such a sick idea.

Broken Record Doesn’t Love All The Unflattering Comparisons, Actually | Apr 14 2023

Local record Abbey Road by The Beatles, was reportedly quoted earlier today as saying that it was “actually pretty offended” at repeated comparisons to your mother, father, and middle school English teacher. “It’s cool, it’s whatever," said Road after listening to you complaining to your roommate about your mom nagging you to call your aunt.