“I sat down next to this kind of weird-looking engineering boy, and of course I glanced over his shoulder to see what he was doing on his little iPad. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I could actually read his handwriting,” whispered Sasha Collins while the slightly smelly boy carefully wrote out “Circuits PSET 9” in bubbly letters and dotted each “i” with a heart. “Like, who even is this guy? Most of the boy handwriting I’ve seen looks like they dropped a couple pencils in a bag with their paper and just shook it around a while.”

“I’m honestly scared. I would not have expected that this messy-looking boy could write words legible to literally anyone, let alone have handwriting as lovely as the graceful trail of a butterfly skimming across a flower field. Maybe he’s a spy in disguise,” continued Collins, observing the elegant letters that indicated the boy had not only paid attention but excelled during elementary school handwriting lessons. “He’s got to be up to something. No ordinary boy has this much dexterity or commitment to producing a fine script. I’m not buying it.”

At press time, a little kid’s self-portrait looked shockingly human.