Sunday, May 19, 2024
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The Brown Noser

Allison Stein


Allison's articles

Genius Prehistoric Cave Art Literally The Shittiest Representation Of Deer To Ever Exist | Mar 15 2024

Recent archaeological excavations at an ancient cave have uncovered brilliant prehistoric cave art which is really just the shittiest representation of a deer ever. “Here, we can see the astonishing depiction of a now-extinct prehistoric deer, etched with a bone blade and tinted with red ochre,” announced archaeologist Monica Anders, gesturing towards a painting of three ugly lines that looked absolutely nothing like a deer.

Fuzzy Little Bat Would Be So Adorable If Not For Vile Skin Wings | Mar 15 2024

According to reports from the local wilderness, a fuzzy little bat would be so sweet if only it wasn’t flying around on vile skin wings. “A fluffy little body, big ears, and a cute snout? Come on! This bat could’ve been the perfect creature,” said local hiker Lucas Thompson, watching in terror as the bat flapped around on its horrifying skin wings of death.

Girl With Waist-Length Hair Definitely Gonna Spend Entire Class Drawing Photorealistic Horse | Dec 08 2023

Sources at Roger Williams Middle School report that the girl with waist-length hair will definitely spend all of pre-algebra class drawing a photorealistic horse. “The second I saw Bailey sit down and flip her super long hair over her shoulder, I knew it,” commented seventh grader Andrea Beemer, nodding smugly as Bailey flipped to a new page in her sketchbook and started outlining the horse’s body.

Brown Formula Racing Announces Plans to Make Same Shitty Car As Last Year’s Shitty Car | Dec 08 2023

Brown Formula Racing has recently announced their groundbreaking plans to make a shitty car just like last year’s shitty car. “We’re hoping to accomplish a lot this year,” shared Brown Formula Racing President Jeremy Nichols as if the team won’t be building the same barely functional vehicle as they have in every prior year.

Historical Reenactor’s “Homemade Jam” Definitely Just Smucker’s In Pottery Bowl | Dec 08 2023

At the local Ezra Stills Historic Homestead, a reenactor’s “homemade jam” is definitely store-bought Smucker’s she transferred to a pottery bowl. “Mightest I tempt thee with a sweet taste of last summer’s wild boysenberry jam?” asked reenactor Patience Stills, stirring a dish of what was absolutely just Smucker’s strawberry jam dumped straight from the jar.

Taxidermy Weasel So Misshapen | Dec 08 2023

At the Natural History Museum this week, sources report that the taxidermy weasel is horribly misshapen. “This weasel looks completely wrong. I don’t know who stuffed it, but they’ve probably never seen a weasel in their life,” said museum patron Alexander Sellers, turning his head and squinting to see if the weasel looked any more normal that way.

UFB Generously Provides First Experience Of Financial Difficulty For Thousands Of Brown Students | Oct 27 2023

By instituting unprecedented budget cuts to many student organizations, the Undergraduate Finance Board has generously opted to provide many members of the Brown community with their first experience of financial difficulty. “As the student body’s financial representatives, the success of student organizations is our greatest goal, and we are truly dismayed to offer a smaller budget than usual,” stated UFB President Sara Hedges, dutifully authorizing massive reductions for BCA, a capella, and many other beloved student groups.

Ontology So Temporal | Oct 27 2023

In recent news, a theory paper has revealed that this ontology is so temporal. “Particularly, this ontology speaks to a hierarchical, spatial, and psychosexual conception of the world which is inextricably linked to the dialectic temporality of existence,” wrote author Rachel Bly, who might not even know the dictionary definition of ontology anymore.

Useless Autumn Leaf Completely Silent When Stepped On | Oct 27 2023

This fall, an autumn leaf has proven itself to be utterly useless because it is completely silent when stepped on. “I stepped on this stupid leaf and it didn’t even make a loud crunch,” said Blair Cranston, regretting even bothering to walk over the worthless leaf.

Van Life Influencer Very Cozy In Bench Bed Beside Pee Drawer | Oct 27 2023

Sources report that a local van life influencer is so comfy in her fold-out bench bed beside her pee drawer. “I love living on my own terms and moving about as I please,” said influencer Kelly Williamson, who lives in an 80-square-foot renovated van with no toilet or shower and pees in a plastic drawer right beside her pillow.

Dog Way Too Medium-Sized To Be In That Purse | Oct 27 2023

This week, local dog Roxy has been deemed way too medium-sized to be carried around in her owner’s purse like that. “I don’t know why this weird lady thinks she can keep this dog in her purse,” said bystander Miranda Roberts, glaring at Roxy, who was only slightly smaller than a Cocker Spaniel.

Claustrophobic Caterpillar Losing Its Shit Inside Chrysalis | Oct 27 2023

Sources report that a local claustrophobic caterpillar is absolutely losing its shit inside its chrysalis. “Holy shit I’m trapped in a slimy cage made of my own skin! I can’t breathe!” screamed the caterpillar, flailing inside the chrysalis as its body transformed into iridescent blue wings and delicate legs.

Indy Writer Fired For Writing Pieces That Make Sense To General Public | Sep 22 2023

In a shocking turn of events at the Indy, writer Mandy Lewinson has been fired for writing articles that the general public understands. “It’s hard to let Mandy go like this, but there was really no choice,” recounted the Indy’s managing editor Sandra Moon, ripping up a copy of Lewinson’s recent essay on Barbie and girlhood, which had resonated with too many readers.

Classmate Just Had Lazy Summer in Hometown and Rome and Copenhagen and Barcelona | Sep 22 2023

As Brown University students begin classes for the fall semester, your classmate Owen Wrigley revealed that he had a pretty boring summer in his hometown and Rome and Copenhagen and Barcelona. “Yeah, I honestly didn’t get up to much,” Wrigley reminisced, sporting a smooth tan from the beaches of Spain, where he spent approximately four weeks at his family villa.

BOLT Leaders Thrilled To Sleep Under Wet Tarp For Zero Pay | Sep 22 2023

Following this year’s backpacking trip, Brown’s BOLT leaders announced their joy at getting to sleep under a wet tarp while earning no financial compensation at all. “Brown Outdoor Leadership Training is such an incredible program, and I’m so glad I could give back to it this year,” gushed Bryce Ware, one of the program’s student leaders, who spent every night of the trip crammed under a sodden tarp with several sophomores.

Providence Place Mall Exactly What Roger Williams Dreamed Of | Sep 22 2023

Centuries after the founding of Rhode Island, it has become clear that Providence Place Mall perfectly fulfills Roger Williams’ dreams for the colony. “We seeketh to designate such a Place where all people mayest enjoy full liberty of religion,” wrote Roger Williams in a missive to the new colony, circa 1636, which was a premonition of the glorious mall that would eventually stand beside the Woonasquatucket River.

Brother Shall Take Family Selfie Because His Arms Longest | Sep 22 2023

At last weekend’s reunion barbeque, a local family has decided that Brother shall take the family selfie since his arms are the longest. “I’m proud that my long arms won me the great honor of taking this family selfie,” said Brother, lifting his cell phone high in the air with his lanky arm.

Girlfriend Who Relates to Bella Swan Actually Just Incapable of Mature Relationship | Sep 22 2023

Sources report that your girlfriend relates to Bella Swan from Twilight because she’s simply incapable of a mature relationship. “God, I love Bella. She’s just so me!,” exclaimed your girlfriend, deciding to skip the date you planned a week ago so she could sit in her room feeling quirky and misunderstood.

Baby Shocked to Possess Hands, Feet | Sep 22 2023

Yesterday, local baby Gigi was stunned to discover that she possesses both hands and feet. Since then, she has spent all her time observing her hands and feet, and frequently putting them in her mouth. “Gigi lived the first four months of her life with absolutely no idea she had hands or feet! Boy, was she in for a big surprise,” shared Jameson Rogers, Gigi’s father, while Gigi stared at her ten fingers with wide eyes that communicated intense shock.

Boy Mom Bought These Reinforced Jeans Because Wow Are These Boys Rambunctious | May 12 2023

Sources report that local boy mom McKenzie Logan just bought these reinforced jeans because golly are these boys rowdy. “These jeans are such a lifesaver for a boy mom like me,” said Logan, showing off the pants’ heavy-duty cargo pockets where she stores juice pouches for the thirsty boys.

Timothee Chalamet Playing Cigarette Boy Again | May 12 2023

Sources report that Timothee Chalamet is taking on a new role of mysterious cigarette boy in recently released coming-of-age film “The Winds Over Mary’s House.” “I feel like this role really challenged me as an actor, pushing me to dig deeply into a whole new side of myself,” shared Chalamet, who portrays Spike, Mary’s angsty, Marlboro-smoking crush.

TA Has Answer Key That They Can Show You Like Really Quickly If You Don’t Tell Anyone | May 12 2023

In good news for students struggling with their problem sets, ENGN 40 TA Andrea Bradley has an answer key that she can show you super fast as long as you don’t tell anyone about it. “I’m really really not supposed to show you the answers, but I can see y’all are struggling, so I’ll let you have a quick glance,” said Bradley, opening the PDF with the solutions for exactly two seconds before slamming her laptop shut.

Grad Center Razed Due To Weird Bug There | Apr 14 2023

Last Tuesday Brown University administration was forced to raze the entire Grad Center complex after the discovery of a weird bug there. Immediately following students’ reports of the gross insect, the administration declared that the five Grad Center buildings were a life-threatening hazard, and the complex was destroyed via controlled implosion the next day.

Student Gently Serenaded Awake By Heavenly Song Of Roommate’s Fifth Alarm | Apr 14 2023

Sources report that Ashley Robinson ‘26 was gently serenaded awake by the sweet melody of her roommate’s fifth alarm this morning. Each day features a transcendent curation of several different alarm sounds, including exquisite harpsichord music, blaring sirens, and rustic rooster squawks, set from 6:45 to 8:30 AM.

Coolest Professor Announces Plans To Captivate Students By Saying “Bullshit” Exactly Three Times Per Lecture | Feb 18 2023

In an attempt to make his biology lectures exciting, Professor Samuel Clarkson has announced he will be saying “bullshit” exactly 3 times per class. “I’ve found that nothing keeps students engaged like an authority figure swearing three separate times in a class period,” said Professor Clarkson, setting a timer for five minutes before the end of class, in case he had a couple more “bullshits” still to incorporate.

UCS Members Stage Coup Like Organization’s Whole Focus Isn’t Ivy Room Straws | Feb 18 2023

Recently, a ruthless struggle for power has been wreaking havoc within UCS, as if the organization isn’t solely concerned with Ivy Room straws. “Corruption within UCS has reached an abhorrent level. We need change immediately, so, in the interest of the people, I’m assuming the position of UCS President,” said member Juliana Peters, ignoring the fact that the organization’s only purpose is deciding what straws will be available for students’ smoothies.

Unfaltering Roku Homepage On Ratty TV Gives Diners Little Taste Of Purgatory | Feb 18 2023

Ratty diners report experiencing a glimpse of purgatory with their meal, thanks to the carefully placed TVs which only ever display the Roku homepage. “It’s such a terrible temporality to exist in. The Netflix, Youtube, and Hulu icons are all right there, tempting us,” said Jenna Lopez, gazing wistfully up at a nearby TV which has been displaying the exact same screen since 2017.

Only The Most Hopeless Idiot To Ever Exist Wouldn’t Know The Breed of James Buchanan’s Dog by Trivial Pursuit Game | Feb 18 2023

Come on, it’s just one super easy question between you and the win. The breed of James Buchanan’s dog? Even a toddler could tell me that! There’s no way you’ll get this one wrong. Oh? You’re thinking maybe a Dalmatian? Really? You sure about that? It’s honestly not hard at all.

Guy With Three Guitars In Dorm Only Plays A Little Bit, Not Really That Much | Oct 31 2022

Junior James Clarkson, who keeps three guitars in his dorm, only plays a little and not actually a ton, he says. “I’m definitely not a big guitar player, but here’s my acoustic guitar. I’ve had it forever, but not, like, super long. I would play for you, but I’m not great.

Professor Tops Off Soul-Crushing Problem Set With Silliest Word Problem Starring Self | Oct 31 2022

Sources report that math professor Clarence Field just wrapped up the most brutal problem set imaginable with a silly little word problem featuring himself. The assignment consisted of nine painful multivariable calculus problems, including one that mathematicians have deemed insolvable, as well as a quirky little autobiographical word problem.

Clever A Capella Group Now Incorporating Instruments To Distinguish Itself | Oct 31 2022

According to campus sources, Brown’s newest a capella group, the Orchestars, has distinguished itself from campus’ many other a cappella groups through playing instruments alongside the classic all-vocal style. The Orchestars’ groundbreaking fall show consisted of a glorious mix of discordant instruments that nearly covered up the group’s vocal harmonies and beat-boxing.

Estate Sale Advertising Gorgeous Antique Bed Frame Great-Grandma Just Died On Last Week | Sep 16 2022

Sophia Nolan, host of a local estate sale, is reportedly advertising the vintage mahogany bed frame where her great-grandmother died just days before. “It’s a really great piece dating back to the fifties,” said Nolan, gesturing to the bed where, forty-eight hours earlier, her great-grandmother clutched her hand and took her last breath.