Sunday, June 4, 2023
Partly Cloudy icon Partly Cloudy, 64°

The Brown Noser

Allison Stein


Allison's articles

Boy Mom Bought These Reinforced Jeans Because Wow Are These Boys Rambunctious | May 12 2023

Sources report that local boy mom McKenzie Logan just bought these reinforced jeans because golly are these boys rowdy. “These jeans are such a lifesaver for a boy mom like me,” said Logan, showing off the pants’ heavy-duty cargo pockets where she stores juice pouches for the thirsty boys.

Timothee Chalamet Playing Cigarette Boy Again | May 12 2023

Sources report that Timothee Chalamet is taking on a new role of mysterious cigarette boy in recently released coming-of-age film “The Winds Over Mary’s House.” “I feel like this role really challenged me as an actor, pushing me to dig deeply into a whole new side of myself,” shared Chalamet, who portrays Spike, Mary’s angsty, Marlboro-smoking crush.

TA Has Answer Key That They Can Show You Like Really Quickly If You Don’t Tell Anyone | May 12 2023

In good news for students struggling with their problem sets, ENGN 40 TA Andrea Bradley has an answer key that she can show you super fast as long as you don’t tell anyone about it. “I’m really really not supposed to show you the answers, but I can see y’all are struggling, so I’ll let you have a quick glance,” said Bradley, opening the PDF with the solutions for exactly two seconds before slamming her laptop shut.

Grad Center Razed Due To Weird Bug There | Apr 14 2023

Last Tuesday Brown University administration was forced to raze the entire Grad Center complex after the discovery of a weird bug there. Immediately following students’ reports of the gross insect, the administration declared that the five Grad Center buildings were a life-threatening hazard, and the complex was destroyed via controlled implosion the next day.

Student Gently Serenaded Awake By Heavenly Song Of Roommate’s Fifth Alarm | Apr 14 2023

Sources report that Ashley Robinson ‘26 was gently serenaded awake by the sweet melody of her roommate’s fifth alarm this morning. Each day features a transcendent curation of several different alarm sounds, including exquisite harpsichord music, blaring sirens, and rustic rooster squawks, set from 6:45 to 8:30 AM.

Coolest Professor Announces Plans To Captivate Students By Saying “Bullshit” Exactly Three Times Per Lecture | Feb 18 2023

In an attempt to make his biology lectures exciting, Professor Samuel Clarkson has announced he will be saying “bullshit” exactly 3 times per class. “I’ve found that nothing keeps students engaged like an authority figure swearing three separate times in a class period,” said Professor Clarkson, setting a timer for five minutes before the end of class, in case he had a couple more “bullshits” still to incorporate.

UCS Members Stage Coup Like Organization’s Whole Focus Isn’t Ivy Room Straws | Feb 18 2023

Recently, a ruthless struggle for power has been wreaking havoc within UCS, as if the organization isn’t solely concerned with Ivy Room straws. “Corruption within UCS has reached an abhorrent level. We need change immediately, so, in the interest of the people, I’m assuming the position of UCS President,” said member Juliana Peters, ignoring the fact that the organization’s only purpose is deciding what straws will be available for students’ smoothies.

Unfaltering Roku Homepage On Ratty TV Gives Diners Little Taste Of Purgatory | Feb 18 2023

Ratty diners report experiencing a glimpse of purgatory with their meal, thanks to the carefully placed TVs which only ever display the Roku homepage. “It’s such a terrible temporality to exist in. The Netflix, Youtube, and Hulu icons are all right there, tempting us,” said Jenna Lopez, gazing wistfully up at a nearby TV which has been displaying the exact same screen since 2017.

Only The Most Hopeless Idiot To Ever Exist Wouldn’t Know The Breed of James Buchanan’s Dog by Trivial Pursuit Game | Feb 18 2023

Come on, it’s just one super easy question between you and the win. The breed of James Buchanan’s dog? Even a toddler could tell me that! There’s no way you’ll get this one wrong. Oh? You’re thinking maybe a Dalmatian? Really? You sure about that? It’s honestly not hard at all.

Guy With Three Guitars In Dorm Only Plays A Little Bit, Not Really That Much | Oct 31 2022

Junior James Clarkson, who keeps three guitars in his dorm, only plays a little and not actually a ton, he says. “I’m definitely not a big guitar player, but here’s my acoustic guitar. I’ve had it forever, but not, like, super long. I would play for you, but I’m not great.

Professor Tops Off Soul-Crushing Problem Set With Silliest Word Problem Starring Self | Oct 31 2022

Sources report that math professor Clarence Field just wrapped up the most brutal problem set imaginable with a silly little word problem featuring himself. The assignment consisted of nine painful multivariable calculus problems, including one that mathematicians have deemed insolvable, as well as a quirky little autobiographical word problem.

Clever A Capella Group Now Incorporating Instruments To Distinguish Itself | Oct 31 2022

According to campus sources, Brown’s newest a capella group, the Orchestars, has distinguished itself from campus’ many other a cappella groups through playing instruments alongside the classic all-vocal style. The Orchestars’ groundbreaking fall show consisted of a glorious mix of discordant instruments that nearly covered up the group’s vocal harmonies and beat-boxing.

Estate Sale Advertising Gorgeous Antique Bed Frame Great-Grandma Just Died On Last Week | Sep 16 2022

Sophia Nolan, host of a local estate sale, is reportedly advertising the vintage mahogany bed frame where her great-grandmother died just days before. “It’s a really great piece dating back to the fifties,” said Nolan, gesturing to the bed where, forty-eight hours earlier, her great-grandmother clutched her hand and took her last breath.