“The evaluation revealed that an overwhelming majority of the University’s expenses are educational in nature,” said Theresia Gouw, Treasurer of the University. “It just made simple financial sense to eliminate these extraneous costs by eliminating the unprofitable business model of educating students.”

“Here at Brown, we have a long history of educating some of the greatest minds in the world,” continued Guow, “But that is simply no longer a possibility in today’s fiscal climate. We must consider alternative paths if we want to maintain this University’s rich history of raking in absurd amounts of money.”

At press time, the University was considering leasing out several floors of the Sci Li to local businesses as office space.