“Hey, so, like, is the firewall too annoying?” asked a representative. “Obviously we wouldn’t want to make it too much of a hassle for you to log into your accounts, and it’s probably so annoying to have to sign into DUO push every time. Ugh. We should have known better. We can take it down right now if you want, but only if you want us to. Whatever’s easiest for you. Sorry. We’re always screwing this kind of thing up. God! We’re so stupid! I can’t believe it. Or what if, like, we still had a firewall, but like less of one? Would that be better? Just let me know what would be best for you. Sorry.”

At press time, Russian hackers had turned the school’s servers into a Bitcoin farm.