Evan's articles
Archaeological reports from the Main Green indicate that the massive penis made of snow could, in fact, suggest the existence of an even more massive, aroused snowman buried underneath the ground.
“We could be looking at something far, far bigger here,” said David Lippitt, professor of Archaeology, gesturing at the eight-foot tall phallus looming in front of Sayles Hall.
Reports indicate that a recent soft launch from a polycule was just a group photo.
“We wanted to be subtle, but still get the message across to everyone, specifically all nineteen of my exes,” said Amanda Robertson, who is pictured with her arms around two others to indicate perceptible but ambiguous levels of intimacy.
Sources indicate that a desperate beaver has been eyeing a local tall man. “Look, times are tough, and I don’t see any good fucking trees around here, okay?” said the beaver, who was seen somewhere near Crew house on Tuesday. “The other day, I bit into this stupid ‘tree’ with a rock in it, and guess what? It was made out of fucking metal,” added the beaver, whose plight starkly reveals tragic manmade change to our environment.
Reports indicate that your imaginary friend is a bit wary of your therapist. “Who needs that silly therapist when you’ve got me?” asked the Imaginary Friend, standing in front of your computer as you tried to book an appointment. “I’ve always been here for you!”
“When have I ever steered you down the wrong path?” asked the Imaginary Friend, who had in fact steered you down the wrong path on many occasions.
University President Christina Paxson recently announced that she is totally open to hearing students with complaints, so long as they stand on this giant trap door.
“Come right on in!” Paxson said, grinning next to a giant lever. “I’m wholeheartedly devoted to ensuring students feel seen, heard, and listened to, and I think the best place for them to do that is right on this big red X—yes, just right there, now hold still.”
“I want these students to know that the University has long-established mechanisms to formally make suggestions and complaints,” Paxson added, clasping the lever for the long-established mechanism that sends those pesky students down to the chasm of doom.
Sources report that this shitty hamster doesn’t even explode. “What the heck! I left all these dangerous chemicals around him. When I got back from school, I expected to find, like, blood and guts all over the walls of his little cage,” said Cassidy Greenbaum, a local middle schooler.
According to sources, local man Bryan Davis still hasn’t found a sexy way to take off socks during sex. “Hehe, it would be weird if I kept these guys on, right?” said Davis during a recent hookup, fluttering his eyelashes as he fumbled with his Nike ankle socks.
Yesterday, Brown University’s Department of Evil Studies announced a new 3,000 year curse.
“Thanks to generous gifts from donors, a successful fundraising campaign, and this ancient chest inscribed with arcane runes, we’ve been able to acquire a new curse,” said Donald Wright, chair of Evil Studies, sitting on a throne of knives.
Hey you, yes you, don’t think I don’t see your ugly mug trying to sneak past me unnoticed. Don’t think I’d miss such an absolute mess of a human scampering by me on their way to their silly little class. Just in case you were wondering, the wind has fucked your hair up, and your shirt has a stain on it.
Sources indicate that Dad is planning to just stay out of this one.
“Welp, I’m just gonna sit over here while you two figure that out,” said Dad, slapping both hands on his thighs and leaning back in his chair. “Not my circus, not my monkeys.”
At one point, Dad chimed in and said, “That’s ridiculous,” then refused to elaborate on what he meant and got a phone call from his friend Barry, which he answered on speakerphone.
This Friday, Freshman David Bowers decided it was time to shave his pubes before going out since you never know what might happen. “I’ve gotta be all spruced up down there for all the sex I’m gonna have because I’ll be having sex, because I have sex,” said Bowers, who in fact would not be having any sex.
Reports from an undisclosed island somewhere in the Pacific Ocean stated that local villain Dr. Malice was experiencing some regrets about his lair’s location. “You know, when I bought the place, I thought, ‘Hey, this will be intimidating, and, like, evil as fuck.’ But when the electricity bill is through the roof just to run the damn AC to keep it under 30,000 degrees in here, you realize perhaps an office space in Cranston might’ve been more affordable and practical,” said Malice over the sound of seven box fans running at full blast.
Sources report that local man Daniel Anderson has been attempting to use YouTube Shorts to wean himself off of TikTok.
“I’m proud he’s making progress, at least,” said Anderson’s friend, Bryan Sanders. “But seeing him slowly descend to worse and worse copies of TikTok is sort of depressing.”
“Every time I talk to him, he won’t listen unless he’s got some video of Minecraft parkour or a time lapse of someone making slime running in the background,” added Sanders.
Reports indicate that the man who saved you from that bullet was definitely just trying to sleep with you. In fact, he totally was checking you out while mid-air, and when he landed he was attempting to look super sexy, with all that blood and stuff.
Brown Mergers and Acquisitions of Acquisitions Club recently announced it has moved its application deadline back to 2027.
“Despite the incredibly high volume of interest and applications, we are generously extending our application deadline to November 2027,” said Jackson Wainscott III, club President, Vice President, Treasurer, Social Media Manager, and Director of Diversity Equity & Inclusion.
Reports indicate local platonic male friend Warren Laidlaw has been waiting for a long time to tell you something really, really important.
“Hey, can we talk? ” asked Laidlaw, who is like a brother to you. “So, uh, I’ve been thinking about this for a while and I know we’ve been friends for a really long time."
“And sometimes in life you just feel things, deep in your heart, these things that you know are true—and sometimes it’s risky to say how you really feel—and I’ve known you for so long and I feel like I really know you, like I can tell you anything,” continued Laidlaw, looking deep into your eyes in a platonic way.
The recent overhaul of the dining area in Josiah’s has emboldened the University administration to explore options to make other beloved spaces on campus look like complete dog shit.
“Josiah’s has always been adored by students, and its endearing 50s diner aesthetic was part of that, so we asked ourselves, ‘how can we turn it into a soulless hellscape instead?’” said Jerry Lurch, Deputy Vice President for Management of Facilities Management.
According to sources, the ironic value of local man David Kuhlman’s “Live, Laugh, Love” shirt was lost on its viewers. “These suburban moms keep coming up to me and asking where I got it, or telling me it matches a sign they have in their kitchen or some other dumb shit,” said Kuhlman, appalled by the kindness and earnestness of the people his ironic shirt was supposed to be subtlety mocking.
Sources indicate that a recent office-wide email purporting to be a “friendly reminder” was in fact not very friendly. “I hope this email finds you well,” read the email, whose author actually did not give a damn if they found everyone well.
The latest reports indicate that the spider on your shower wall will not move as long as you don’t smoosh it.
“You just keep showering right there, pal, and I won’t move a single leg,” said the spider perched directly across from your head.
Sources indicate that Grandma’s Facebook may have been compromised by malicious actors, or maybe she’s just on a big Candy Crush kick right now.
“I became worried after receiving 35 notifications inviting me to play Candy Crush Saga,” said teen Ben Wallingford as he scrolled through his grandmother’s Facebook page.
Heads turned during a Tuesday morning lecture when freshman Kenzie Adams unsheathed a 128oz Hydro Flask from her backpack, releasing a series of chimes and clangs reminiscent of the Notre-Dame at Mass.
“It sounded like she was dragging a wind chime through gravel,” said sophomore Aaron Banks, hoping his eardrums hadn’t been blown out from the sound of the water bottle being set down on a desk.
According to a report released by experts in the Crew House basement on Saturday, the beer pong ball may have rolled under that thing over there. “I can’t find it and I looked all over,” the report outlined. “We might need to get, like, a broom or something and poke around under that big thing." When asked if he had seen the ball roll under the kind of grayish thing, a source standing next to the thing said, “I don’t know, man, maybe it’s under that other thing.” At press time, the report hypothesized that once the ball was found, it would likely be covered in some nasty-looking shit from under that thing..
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