Evan's articles
Reports from the Rockefeller Library’s stacks indicate that the guy watching porn over there had better be in a porn class.
“Look, I know the library is for everyone, but there really is only one good reason why someone should be watching that kind of thing in here,” said Andy Sparks-Halliday ‘25, who had noticed another student watching “Saving Ryan’s Privates” for the past 45 minutes without headphones.
Sources from an off-campus house indicate that a recent smoke break has absolutely decimated an Indy party.
“Oh yeah, we’ll be right back,” said all of the Indy managing editors, section editors, layout designers, and illustrators as they gathered their cigarettes and tobacco pouches.
Sources indicate that a local pedestrian has the right of way and is also dead.
“This is an unmarked crosswalk!” said the late Thomas Parker immediately before he was struck by a Buick Bolero moving at 47 miles per hour. “Cars should yield to me!”
“The law does dictate that the pedestrian always has the right of way, even when the crosswalk is implicit rather than clearly marked,” said David Williams, a local traffic lawyer.
Groundbreaking new material evidence from Brown’s “Archaeology of College Hill” class has revealed that an underground coffee shop may have existed on the University’s campus at one time.
“It appears that underneath Stephen Robert ’62 Campus Center, there may have been a gathering place of some sort, perhaps somewhere for communal food or beverage consumption,” said Dr.
Reports from the frontier indicate that two cowboys who failed to specify a number of paces for their duel are now walking away from one another indefinitely.
“Well, come to think of it, that varmint never did say how far we ought to go,” said Virgil McClyde, who had been walking through the desert for the past 7 hours.
According to sources, a local student’s dinner plans have been entirely thwarted by a giant cookie.
“I mean, it was like 4pm, and I was really hungry,” said Daniel Bennett, who had just devoured a chocolate chip cookie as large as his face.
This past Tuesday, the White House officially inaugurated its newest committee, the Uniformity, Inequity, and Exclusion (UIE) taskforce.
“Once we found out what DEI stood for, we knew we needed to take action,” said Vice President JD Vance, a longtime advocate for homogeneity.
Sources from the playground report that a local boy with a soccer ball in his shirt has announced his pregnancy.
“Look, everyone! I’m pregnant,” said Tommy L. of Ms. Stahl’s second grade class. “Hahaha look, I’m going to have a baby!”
“There is no way Tommy is pregnant,” said Sally M., his desk neighbor, who was starting to wonder who the baby’s other parent could be.
Reports from an up-and-coming neighborhood indicate that Brennan Clark, local pickleball enthusiast, is really just in it for the gentrification.
“Yeah, this sport is honestly super boring and kind of a rip-off of tennis,” said Clark, holding his strange little racket.
According to sources within the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Mormon missionaries are forbidden from playing full court basketball.
“This is because the devil controls fast breaks,” said Tyler Smith, president of a local LDS chapter.
Sources indicate that a piece of hay in a needlestack is quite easy to find, but very painful to retrieve.
“Sure, I could spot it, easy,” said Robert Leponge, who last Wednesday attempted to solve the far lesser-known, age-old problem. “But when I went to grab it, YE- OWWW! Poke city!!”
“To be honest, I don’t even know,” said Leponge, when asked about his motivation for retrieving the singular strand of hay from the dense, spiny thicket.
North Korea said Tuesday that its latest weapons test was a giant, mechanized mallet designed to smash South Korea into bits.
“We have just completed a test of a powerful new weapon that will reliably smash any rivals in the Pacific region,” said leader Kim Jong Un, who vowed to further expand his collection of hammers and mallets to counter rival nations.
ources from a clandestine laboratory indicate that a local scientist is not mad enough to justify his shitty hairstyle.
“I have a new invention that will change the course of humanity!” exclaimed Barnabus Sharpe, whose head was covered in a patchwork of wispy tufts.
In a tragic report out of the living room, it turns out Grandma’s urn was absolutely no match for the family’s highly acrobatic cat.
“We wanted Grammie to be near us always, so we put her on this shelf,” said Nancy Meyer, pointing to the shelf that was clearly not high enough to prevent an aerial bombardment from the family tabby.
Reports from Page-Robinson Hall indicate that a paper airplane class was really putting a strain on local student Kevin McNellis’s MyPrint budget.
“I have to take ‘PAPR 0103: Introduction to Paper Airplane Studies: Design and Praxis’ as a requirement,” said McNellis ’25, whose hands were scarred with dozens of tiny, irritating cuts.
A new national report indicates that 50 percent of a couple is excited for Valentine’s Day.
“I think it’s a great way for loving couples to express their adoration for one another in sweet, well thought-out ways,” said 50 percent of respondents.
JD Vance, a 40-year-old senator from Ohio, was elected as the next vice president of the United States last month, becoming the first-ever VP with a history of using racial slurs on Call of Duty.
“No vice president has ever had such a strong record regarding free speech,” said campaign spokesperson Anthony Smith, referring to confirmed reports that the vice president-elect called LakersFan664 a “****** ******” on Call of Duty in 2012.
Reports from the ocean indicate that a masochistic turtle secretly hopes you don’t cut up those plastic rings.
“Hey, honestly, don’t worry about it,” the turtle said with a conspiratorial grin. “Just toss those bad boys from that six pack of beer right on into the ocean—cut out the middleman.”
“Fuck the environment—I want to get freaky,” added the turtle, who didn’t know why so many environmentalist were so vanilla.
Sources from the sky reported that drunk pilot Christopher Banks was actually really fun.
“Attention, this is… uhh… your captain speaking,” slurred the heavily inebriated Banks. “We’re about to see what this plane can really do.”
“Woohoo!” said Banks, flying the plane straight up for 45 seconds.
According to sources from Thayer Street, that loud car isn’t even fast.
“Holy shit, I bet that car must be so fast!” said a local bystander, pointing at the modified Honda Civic that could only moderately outpace its driver’s walking speed.
New, innovative election analysis from the Brown Daily Herald revealed that Kamala Harris lost the election because she did not receive as many votes as Donald Trump in swing states.
“According to our models, if Kamala Harris had received more votes in states such as Pennsylvania, Michigan, Wisconsin, Arizona, Nevada, and Georgia, she likely would have won the election,” said Charles van Pelt, a political columnist for the Herald.
Sources report that area man Thomas Fry ’27, who spilled water on his pants, is glad he also pissed himself.
“I was worried people would think I was a total klutz for spilling water on myself,” said Fry, whose pants now had an ambiguous dark spot around the crotch.
Sources indicate that local man Tyler Cohen, member of a two-person horse costume, is really hoping for a threesome at this Halloween party.
“You know, I didn’t really realize how this might impede my chances at getting laid tonight,” said Cohen, who had drawn the short straw and ended up as the horse’s hind legs.
Reports from Cape Canaveral indicated that NASA has released 36,000 trout into outer space.
“Yeah, and why the hell not?” said Stanley Garland, Chief Engineer of the mission. “We were basically just sitting around, brainstorming some ideas, and then we decided to send a lot of fish to space.
Reports from Washington, DC, indicated that the U.S. Department of Anachronisms was spotted hastily attempting to rid themselves of 2.1 million dollars worth of embezzled doubloons by hurling them from the window of their spaceship.
“We’ve gotta get rid of these, pronto!” said Buster Grimes, Chairman, as he tossed hundreds of thousands of 17th-century Spanish coins out the window of his GalaxyMaster AF-6 Starship.
Sources from I-95 reported that the amnesiac cop who pulled you over doesn’t even know why he did either.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?” asked the officer with a dazed look in his eyes. “Seriously, I have no idea. Help me out here.”
“License and registration please,” he demanded while holding your license and registration papers in his hands.
Reports from Wriston Quad indicated that the efforts of the vegan protesters outside the Ratty paled in comparison to the actual food served inside the Ratty.
“You know, I wasn’t very convinced by their posters, but this vile shit is making me seriously consider vegetarianism,” said junior Eric Johnson, using a pruning saw to attempt to slice into a gray slab of “pork.” “Is this even legal?”
“Eating meat is a moral crisis!” one protester yelled, unaware that students were about to undergo a gastrointestinal crisis after eating the Ratty’s soup of the day.
Sources have indicated that the giant tree on the main green probably had dirt on Christina Paxson.
“As many community members have likely seen, the American Elm tree near the northeast entry of University Hall has died, despite extensive efforts toward revitalization,” said University President Christina Paxson, whose hands were covered in sawdust.
Sources say a human-shaped root found growing in the tomb of Roger Williams has been very evasive regarding what happened to the Rhode Island pioneer’s corpse.
“I have absolutely no idea what you are talking about,” said the suspiciously anthropomorphic root.
This morning, officers from Brown’s Department of Public Safety were called to the Graduate Center Bar to investigate a Dean Zia-shaped hole in the wall.
“We’re not really sure what might have caused this,” said Officer Tim Jones, pointing to the wall whose missing chunk distinctly matched the outline of Rashid Zia, Dean of the College.
Last Wednesday, the Brown Center for Cyber Insecurity inquired to see if the firewall is too annoying.
“Hey, so, like, is the firewall too annoying?” asked a representative. “Obviously we wouldn’t want to make it too much of a hassle for you to log into your accounts, and it’s probably so annoying to have to sign into DUO push every time.
Reports indicate that area man Jake Wilson won’t stop making that ancient curse his whole personality.
“Ugh, Jake won’t shut the hell up about the 4,000 year-old demon that follows him everywhere and only he can see,” said Peri Daniels, a friend of Wilson’s.
Reports indicate that a little chihuahua is way too puntable to be talking all this shit.
“The yappy little bastard seems to have absolutely no conception of the distances he could be launched,” said area man Ken Anderson. “I mean, this little shit keeps barking and barking as if one swift kick couldn’t put him into low orbit.”
“This puny pseudo-dog is utterly ignorant of the fact that with little more than a swing of my leg, I could send him to touch the face of God,” added Anderson.
An anteater has recently made clear that he does in fact have other hobbies that do not include eating ants.
“You know, it’s really frustrating to be typecast,” said the anteater, slurping up a line of ants. “How come frogs, pandas, and ponies all get off the hook, and meanwhile I’m forced into this narrow classification.
This morning, the University’s Department of Public Safety announced that its police dog, Elvy, would be stepping down.
The announcement comes after reports surfaced that Elvy had been involved in inappropriate conduct. “Unfortunately, Elvy did not meet the standards we wish our staff to uphold,” said DPS Chief Michael White, referring to unconfirmed reports that Elvy was seen humping a pedestrian’s leg on the Main Green.
A recent report has found that everything on the street suddenly becomes super interesting when someone you sort of know is walking toward you.
“When a vague acquaintance is headed your way, the sidewalk actually becomes 500 percent more interesting,” said Dan Chamberlain, the lead psychologist conducting the study.
Reports indicate that the Crew team is probably gonna lose their shit when they hear about boats that have motors.
“They’re going to go ballistic when they learn that all this rowing could have been avoided with something as simple as an outboard motor,” said David Harper, a local nautical expert.
According to sources, David Holloway, a freak of nature who certainly would’ve been driven to the hills in the dark ages, is now averaging a triple-double in his sixth NBA season.
“He’s an absolute goliath who no doubt would’ve been chased into the hinterlands with pitchforks and torches if this were the dark ages,” said Brian Winthrop, a local basketball fan.
Sources from the ceiling indicate that a local spider is strutting around up there like he’s the one paying the fucking bills.
“He’s just swaggering around like he owns the place,” said apartment resident Adam Barnett, watching the confident arachnid parade around on the ceiling as if he were the sole provider for everyone living in the household.
A former Raytheon employee known for raising concerns about the ethicality of the firm’s business has been found dead from a self-inflicted drone strike.
“Tragically, it appears John Greenberg decided to take his own life with a precision-guided strike,” said Carl Chase, lead investigator on the case.
POINT: Swiper, No Swiping! by Dora the Explorer
Swiper, no swiping! Say it with us! Swiper, no swiping! Swiper, no swiping! Swiper, no swiping! Swiper, no swiping! Swiper, no swiping! Swiper, no swiping!
COUNTERPOINT: Know You Not My Name? by Swiper the Fox
Are you so foolish as to taunt nominal determinism? Dare you charge me with a task paradoxical to my very existence, my discursive being? May the housefly not fly, the grasshopper not hop? How foolish you are to defy God’s logic! You and your anthropomorphic backpack, whatever cursed and malformed being that is, shall never stand against the power immanent in my name.
Archaeological reports from the Main Green indicate that the massive penis made of snow could, in fact, suggest the existence of an even more massive, aroused snowman buried underneath the ground.
“We could be looking at something far, far bigger here,” said David Lippitt, professor of Archaeology, gesturing at the eight-foot tall phallus looming in front of Sayles Hall.
Reports indicate that a recent soft launch from a polycule was just a group photo.
“We wanted to be subtle, but still get the message across to everyone, specifically all nineteen of my exes,” said Amanda Robertson, who is pictured with her arms around two others to indicate perceptible but ambiguous levels of intimacy.
Sources indicate that a desperate beaver has been eyeing a local tall man. “Look, times are tough, and I don’t see any good fucking trees around here, okay?” said the beaver, who was seen somewhere near Crew house on Tuesday. “The other day, I bit into this stupid ‘tree’ with a rock in it, and guess what? It was made out of fucking metal,” added the beaver, whose plight starkly reveals tragic manmade change to our environment.
Reports indicate that your imaginary friend is a bit wary of your therapist. “Who needs that silly therapist when you’ve got me?” asked the Imaginary Friend, standing in front of your computer as you tried to book an appointment. “I’ve always been here for you!”
“When have I ever steered you down the wrong path?” asked the Imaginary Friend, who had in fact steered you down the wrong path on many occasions.
University President Christina Paxson recently announced that she is totally open to hearing students with complaints, so long as they stand on this giant trap door.
“Come right on in!” Paxson said, grinning next to a giant lever. “I’m wholeheartedly devoted to ensuring students feel seen, heard, and listened to, and I think the best place for them to do that is right on this big red X—yes, just right there, now hold still.”
“I want these students to know that the University has long-established mechanisms to formally make suggestions and complaints,” Paxson added, clasping the lever for the long-established mechanism that sends those pesky students down to the chasm of doom.
Sources report that this shitty hamster doesn’t even explode. “What the heck! I left all these dangerous chemicals around him. When I got back from school, I expected to find, like, blood and guts all over the walls of his little cage,” said Cassidy Greenbaum, a local middle schooler.
According to sources, local man Bryan Davis still hasn’t found a sexy way to take off socks during sex. “Hehe, it would be weird if I kept these guys on, right?” said Davis during a recent hookup, fluttering his eyelashes as he fumbled with his Nike ankle socks.
Yesterday, Brown University’s Department of Evil Studies announced a new 3,000 year curse.
“Thanks to generous gifts from donors, a successful fundraising campaign, and this ancient chest inscribed with arcane runes, we’ve been able to acquire a new curse,” said Donald Wright, chair of Evil Studies, sitting on a throne of knives.
Hey you, yes you, don’t think I don’t see your ugly mug trying to sneak past me unnoticed. Don’t think I’d miss such an absolute mess of a human scampering by me on their way to their silly little class. Just in case you were wondering, the wind has fucked your hair up, and your shirt has a stain on it.
Sources indicate that Dad is planning to just stay out of this one.
“Welp, I’m just gonna sit over here while you two figure that out,” said Dad, slapping both hands on his thighs and leaning back in his chair. “Not my circus, not my monkeys.”
At one point, Dad chimed in and said, “That’s ridiculous,” then refused to elaborate on what he meant and got a phone call from his friend Barry, which he answered on speakerphone.
This Friday, Freshman David Bowers decided it was time to shave his pubes before going out since you never know what might happen. “I’ve gotta be all spruced up down there for all the sex I’m gonna have because I’ll be having sex, because I have sex,” said Bowers, who in fact would not be having any sex.
Reports from an undisclosed island somewhere in the Pacific Ocean stated that local villain Dr. Malice was experiencing some regrets about his lair’s location. “You know, when I bought the place, I thought, ‘Hey, this will be intimidating, and, like, evil as fuck.’ But when the electricity bill is through the roof just to run the damn AC to keep it under 30,000 degrees in here, you realize perhaps an office space in Cranston might’ve been more affordable and practical,” said Malice over the sound of seven box fans running at full blast.
Sources report that local man Daniel Anderson has been attempting to use YouTube Shorts to wean himself off of TikTok.
“I’m proud he’s making progress, at least,” said Anderson’s friend, Bryan Sanders. “But seeing him slowly descend to worse and worse copies of TikTok is sort of depressing.”
“Every time I talk to him, he won’t listen unless he’s got some video of Minecraft parkour or a time lapse of someone making slime running in the background,” added Sanders.
Reports indicate that the man who saved you from that bullet was definitely just trying to sleep with you. In fact, he totally was checking you out while mid-air, and when he landed he was attempting to look super sexy, with all that blood and stuff.
Brown Mergers and Acquisitions of Acquisitions Club recently announced it has moved its application deadline back to 2027.
“Despite the incredibly high volume of interest and applications, we are generously extending our application deadline to November 2027,” said Jackson Wainscott III, club President, Vice President, Treasurer, Social Media Manager, and Director of Diversity Equity & Inclusion.
Reports indicate local platonic male friend Warren Laidlaw has been waiting for a long time to tell you something really, really important.
“Hey, can we talk? ” asked Laidlaw, who is like a brother to you. “So, uh, I’ve been thinking about this for a while and I know we’ve been friends for a really long time."
“And sometimes in life you just feel things, deep in your heart, these things that you know are true—and sometimes it’s risky to say how you really feel—and I’ve known you for so long and I feel like I really know you, like I can tell you anything,” continued Laidlaw, looking deep into your eyes in a platonic way.
The recent overhaul of the dining area in Josiah’s has emboldened the University administration to explore options to make other beloved spaces on campus look like complete dog shit.
“Josiah’s has always been adored by students, and its endearing 50s diner aesthetic was part of that, so we asked ourselves, ‘how can we turn it into a soulless hellscape instead?’” said Jerry Lurch, Deputy Vice President for Management of Facilities Management.
According to sources, the ironic value of local man David Kuhlman’s “Live, Laugh, Love” shirt was lost on its viewers. “These suburban moms keep coming up to me and asking where I got it, or telling me it matches a sign they have in their kitchen or some other dumb shit,” said Kuhlman, appalled by the kindness and earnestness of the people his ironic shirt was supposed to be subtlety mocking.
Sources indicate that a recent office-wide email purporting to be a “friendly reminder” was in fact not very friendly. “I hope this email finds you well,” read the email, whose author actually did not give a damn if they found everyone well.
The latest reports indicate that the spider on your shower wall will not move as long as you don’t smoosh it.
“You just keep showering right there, pal, and I won’t move a single leg,” said the spider perched directly across from your head.
Sources indicate that Grandma’s Facebook may have been compromised by malicious actors, or maybe she’s just on a big Candy Crush kick right now.
“I became worried after receiving 35 notifications inviting me to play Candy Crush Saga,” said teen Ben Wallingford as he scrolled through his grandmother’s Facebook page.
Heads turned during a Tuesday morning lecture when freshman Kenzie Adams unsheathed a 128oz Hydro Flask from her backpack, releasing a series of chimes and clangs reminiscent of the Notre-Dame at Mass.
“It sounded like she was dragging a wind chime through gravel,” said sophomore Aaron Banks, hoping his eardrums hadn’t been blown out from the sound of the water bottle being set down on a desk.
According to a report released by experts in the Crew House basement on Saturday, the beer pong ball may have rolled under that thing over there. “I can’t find it and I looked all over,” the report outlined. “We might need to get, like, a broom or something and poke around under that big thing." When asked if he had seen the ball roll under the kind of grayish thing, a source standing next to the thing said, “I don’t know, man, maybe it’s under that other thing.” At press time, the report hypothesized that once the ball was found, it would likely be covered in some nasty-looking shit from under that thing..
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