“I spend my entire day using an excavator to dig a giant hole in the middle of campus,” said construction worker Mick Plorbinski. “I hoped that in the process of moving all that dirt I would come across at least one mangled skeletal remain but so far there’s been nothing.”

“Last week, I helped install pipes under Keeney Quad,” continued Plorbinski. “But I didn’t find a single bone! I would’ve expected to at least find a cracked femur or even a loose rib at this point. It’s quite disappointing.”

“When we started construction on the new dorms across from the Nelson I thought we might find a tomb or ancient burial ground or something,” added Plorbinski. “But so far all we’ve managed to find is a rock that looked like a skull and some sticks that looked like broken fingers.”

At press time, Brown construction workers reported an overwhelming amount of dirt.