Saturday, March 23, 2019
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The Brown Noser

Nathan Kakalec

Writer

Nathan's articles

Scientists Report Horse Would Be Much Faster with Wheels | Mar 08 2019

In a press conference held by the International Consortium of Zoologists on Tuesday, scientists reported that horses would be much faster if they had wheels. “A horse can gallop at 25 or 30 miles per hour,” said Greg Beckham, the head scientist on the project.

New Cookbook Just 32 Recipes For Leftover Soup | Dec 07 2018

A new cookbook from chef Jean-Paul Frère titled, “The Art of Soup Making”, features 32 delicious recipes for leftover soup. “Most soup cookbooks on the market right now only contain recipes with long ingredient lists, complicated preparation, and excessive simmering,” said Frère, who spent 2 years in the south of France perfecting each dish in the book.

Campus Construction Actually Massive Project To Find Long-Lost Treasure Of Nicholas Brown | Dec 07 2018

At a press conference on Friday morning, Assistant Vice President of Planning, Design & Construction Rick Bowe revealed that the various construction projects on campus were actually part of a massive, coordinated effort to find the long-lost treasure of Nicholas Brown.

Maud Mandel Forced To Slay Buck For Williams Dining Hall | Oct 26 2018

Reflecting on her first few months as President of Williams College, former Dean Maud Mandel told reporters that she was forced to slay a 210-pound buck in order to supply the Williams Dining Hall with enough food for the student body. “I spied the white-tailed buck at the foot of Mount Greylock and tracked it all the way to the head of the Taconic Trail,” said Mandel, describing her week-long expedition into the Berkshires.

Worker At Jo’s Salad Station Chopping Lettuce Like He’s Some Kind Of Serial Killer | Oct 26 2018

According to sources, a worker at the Jo’s salad station late Tuesday night was seen chopping lettuce like he was some kind of cold-blooded serial killer. “First, he sorted out all of the spinach and sliced off the stems,” said sophomore Lyle Pham, describing the disturbingly sinister methods the worker used to break the leafy green into small, consumable pieces.