Sunday, November 17, 2019
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The Brown Noser

Nathan Kakalec

Writer

Nathan's articles

Everyone Just Pretending to Like Ken Burns Film | Oct 25 2019

At a recent documentary screening, everyone was just pretending to like Ken Burns’ film, The Civil War. “I thought it was an excellent film,” said viewer John Baker, stifling a big yawn. “His masterful use of slow-moving, black-and-white pictures truly set the scene.

Farmer Still Not Quite Sure What Goat Is Good For | Oct 25 2019

Despite working on a farm his entire life, local farmer Hal Ankerson recently admitted he is still not quite sure what his goat is good for. “Spending 30 years on the farm has taught me what most of the animals are used for,” said Ankerson as a goat gnawed on the corner of his shirt.

Local Alien Glorp Definitely Just Glard Gliping At Gloop Glop Glee's | Oct 25 2019

According to his friend Glinop, local alien Glorp was definitely just glard gliping at Gloop Glop Glee’s. “Glorp glip glyert glamp; gam goort Gloop Glop Glee glard glip glip! Gloy gloot glurt glrip glon,” said Glinop, while glirt gooping outside of Gloop Glop Glee’s.

Fully Autonomous Horse Beats Tesla To Market By 55 Million Years | Sep 13 2019

In a recent press conference, transportation expert Fred Greenfickle announced that a fully autonomous horse beat Tesla to market by 55 million years. “In February, Tesla announced plans to release a self-driving vehicle by 2020,” Greenfickle said.

Dad’s Sports Metaphor Requires Detailed Knowledge Of The 1997 Mets | Sep 13 2019

A recent sports metaphor used by local dad Dave McLean required detailed knowledge of the 1997 Mets to understand. “You know, when Bud Selig is making a tribute to Jackie Robinson at Shea Stadium, sometimes you have to get Lance Johnson to hit a single to second base,” McLean told his daughter while tying to teach her some sort of lesson about teamwork and perseverance.

Area Woman’s Fun Fact Just Disease She Had During Childhood | Apr 19 2019

During a recent get-to-know-you game, area woman Irene McGuire’s fun fact was just a strange disease she had during her childhood. “When I was in first grade, I was hospitalized for seventeen days after contracting a rare form of tuberculosis,” McGuire excitedly told a room of seven disgusted co-workers.

Fashion@Brown Just Sad People Wearing Things from Dad’s Closet | Apr 19 2019

According to Fashion@Brown’s Instagram followers, all of their content is just sad people wearing things they found in their dad’s closet. “I found this really cool polo from 1993 in my dad’s closet over spring break,” said model Mickey O’Connor, gazing into the distance with an empty look in his eyes.

Scientists Report Horse Would Be Much Faster with Wheels | Mar 08 2019

In a press conference held by the International Consortium of Zoologists on Tuesday, scientists reported that horses would be much faster if they had wheels. “A horse can gallop at 25 or 30 miles per hour,” said Greg Beckham, the head scientist on the project.

New Cookbook Just 32 Recipes For Leftover Soup | Dec 07 2018

A new cookbook from chef Jean-Paul Frère titled, “The Art of Soup Making”, features 32 delicious recipes for leftover soup. “Most soup cookbooks on the market right now only contain recipes with long ingredient lists, complicated preparation, and excessive simmering,” said Frère, who spent 2 years in the south of France perfecting each dish in the book.

Campus Construction Actually Massive Project To Find Long-Lost Treasure Of Nicholas Brown | Dec 07 2018

At a press conference on Friday morning, Assistant Vice President of Planning, Design & Construction Rick Bowe revealed that the various construction projects on campus were actually part of a massive, coordinated effort to find the long-lost treasure of Nicholas Brown.

Maud Mandel Forced To Slay Buck For Williams Dining Hall | Oct 26 2018

Reflecting on her first few months as President of Williams College, former Dean Maud Mandel told reporters that she was forced to slay a 210-pound buck in order to supply the Williams Dining Hall with enough food for the student body. “I spied the white-tailed buck at the foot of Mount Greylock and tracked it all the way to the head of the Taconic Trail,” said Mandel, describing her week-long expedition into the Berkshires.

Worker At Jo’s Salad Station Chopping Lettuce Like He’s Some Kind Of Serial Killer | Oct 26 2018

According to sources, a worker at the Jo’s salad station late Tuesday night was seen chopping lettuce like he was some kind of cold-blooded serial killer. “First, he sorted out all of the spinach and sliced off the stems,” said sophomore Lyle Pham, describing the disturbingly sinister methods the worker used to break the leafy green into small, consumable pieces.