Wednesday, April 14, 2021
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The Brown Noser

Nathan Kakalec

Writer

Nathan's articles

Instagram Account Just All Your Favorite Foods Cut In Half | Apr 09 2021

Sources report that Instagram account @2NYCFoodieBros is just all your favorite foods cut in half. “As devout foodies, we wanted to highlight all the unique meals that we discover every day,” said account owner Mike Green, scrolling past a picture of himself holding up a juicy double cheeseburger cut into two pieces.

Plunger Nestled In Cabinet Like It Not Rubber Stick Covered With Molecules Of Shit | Apr 09 2021

According to reports, area woman Maddie Thom keeps her plunger in the bathroom cabinet like it’s not a rubber stick covered with molecules of human shit. “I thought it made sense to put the plunger here in this little space next to my hand towels and other bathroom supplies,” said Thom, acting like the wooden stick with a rubber suction cup at the end wasn’t her go-to tool for removing clogs of toilet paper from feces-infested water.

Rich Friend’s High School Not Called High School | Apr 09 2021

According to rich student Amanda Beckinsale, her high school was not called a high school. “Oh, me? I went to Choate Rosemary Hall, in Connecticut,” said Beckinsdale, referring to her secondary school without using the phrase “high school” to describe it.

Anabaptist Senior Glad They No Longer Have To Spend Two Hours In First Baptist Church Of Providence | Apr 09 2021

Feeling relieved that he would not have to attend his graduation in a building where people believe infants should be baptized at birth, anabaptist senior Hans Hoffman is grateful that this year’s virtual ceremony will not take place at the First Baptist Church of Providence.

Omni Dry Cleaning Godsend For Sophomore Who Only Wears Three Piece Suits | Mar 12 2021

According to sophomore Buxton Hucklebee, the dry cleaning service at the Omni Hotel has been a godsend because he only wears three-piece suits. “Before I moved into the Omni, I spent hours cleaning my three-piece suits every week," said Hucklebee, buttoning his tweed waistcoat as he prepared to log onto Zoom.

Senior Talking About GCB Like It Lost City Of Atlantis | Mar 12 2021

Sources report that Maya Brooksfield ’21 is talking about the GCB as if it were the lost city of Atlantis. “With its vast selection of alcohols, visitors would flock to the GCB from all across campus,” said Brooksfield, speaking about the campus bar like it was a mythical empire lost in the depths of the ocean.

Mom’s Phone Background Rotating Selection Of Ugliest Family Photos | Mar 12 2021

Area mom Theresa Kim’s phone background is reportedly just a rotating selection of the ugliest photos of her family. “First, she had a photo from when we went on vacation last year but everyone had their eyes closed except for her. Then she changed it to a picture from Thanksgiving where I’m clearly still chewing my food,” said Kim’s son Thomas, cringing at the thought of his mother displaying her family’s ugliest moments as cherished memories on her phone lock screen.

CBS Debuts Peanuts Reboot Where They All Speak in Wahs | Feb 05 2021

In a recently released special, CBS debuted a reboot of Peanuts where they all speak in trombone wahs. “Wah? Wah wah wah wah, wah wah wah. Wah wah wah wah; wah wah. Wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah. Wah,” said Lucy, berating Charlie Brown for being such a blockhead. “Wah wah wah wah wah wah wah. Wah wah. Wah wah wah wah. Wah wah! Wah wah!” At press time, 20th Century Fox announced plans for an Alvin and the Chipmunks reboot where they all speak in realistic rodent chirps.

Local Business’s Online Shop Minimalist Hellscape Powered by Squarespace | Feb 05 2021

According to recent user Yasmin Perogotta, the new online shop for Mrs. Bumblebee’s Country Store is a minimalist hellscape powered by Squarespace. “I love the hominess of the cluttered wooden shelves and pattered carpets whenever I shopped at Mrs.

Memoji Kinda Hot | Feb 05 2021

According to local man Granger McPherson, his Memoji is kinda hot. “I mean I wouldn’t say I’m a 10 in real life, but my Memoji? He’s a little bit of a looker if I do say so myself,” said McPherson as he admired his Memoji’s white teeth, clear skin, and perfect proportions. “Like, damn, if you ask me, I’d almost describe this Memoji as a total hunk. Hubba hubba!” At press time, McFearson was admiring the bone structure of his Mii.

Area Man Eating Soup Like He Going In For Little Kiss | Oct 30 2020

According to his dining partner Jack Michaels, area man Thomas Maxwell was eating his soup like he was going in for a little kiss. “The way he was eating that soup looked like he was going to give it a tiny smooch,” said Michaels, describing how Maxwell puckered his lips in a kissy face and leaned in slightly before taking the smallest slurp of lobster bisque.

Younger Brother In Dubstep Phase | Oct 30 2020

According to sister Elise Growlder, her younger brother Atticus is currently undergoing a dubstep phase. “All Atticus listens to these days is dubstep,“ said Growlder, the faint sound of electronic wubs coming from Atticus’ room. “Every time I’m around him it’s always dubstep this, dubstep that.

Woman Flaunting New Yorker Bag Like She Empress Of Prose And Wit | Oct 30 2020

Sources report that area woman Beatrix Jenklestein is flaunting her New Yorker bag like she’s the empress of prose and wit. “Oh, this? It’s my new New Yorker bag," said Jenklestein, tossing the bag over her shoulder like she reigns over the world of short essays, one-panel comics, and dry humor pieces.

COVID Temperature Check Just Mom Feeling Forehead With Back of Hand | Oct 30 2020

In an update to the University’s testing procedures, the COVID temperature check will pivot to a system based on a mom feeling every patient’s forehead with the back of her hand. “To improve our fever screening, we decided to replace our thermometers with a mom who presses the back of her hand to your forehead for a couple seconds,” said head doctor Misha Bigsworth, describing how the mom would first feel each student’s forehead to see if it’s warm and then check their cheeks for color.

Bagel Gourmet Order Just Brown Bag Filled With Napkins | Oct 30 2020

Bagel Gourmet customer Emma Jacob’s recent order was just a brown bag filled with napkins, sources report. “I ordered a plain bagel with cream cheese,” said Jacobs, napkins spilling out the top of the bag that was supposed to contain her order.

Zoom Breakout Room Just Fifteen Minute Discussion About Where Everybody Calling From | Oct 30 2020

Students in The Politics of European Democracies reported that their Zoom breakout room was just a fifteen-minute discussion about where everybody was calling from. “We were supposed to have an in-depth discussion about the week’s readings,“ said student Devin Plunk, who spent most of the time in the breakout room on mute.

Nose Swab Sweet Sweet Massage For Tender Tender Nostrils | Oct 30 2020

Student Megan Bakersfield reported that the nose swabs at the OMAC testing facility were a sweet sweet massage for her tender tender nostrils. “The way the nose swab gently caresses the inside of my aching nasal passage releases so, so much tension,” said Bakersfield, digging in there with the swab given to her by a nurse.

Fuckin’ Champ Only Goes By Last Name | Sep 25 2020

According to his friends, Perez only goes by his last name because he’s a fuckin’ champ. “Our usual friend group consists of Donnie, Frank, and Big Al. But Perez? He’s the bossman, so he only goes by his last name,” said Harold Jackson, a pencil-pushing nerd with two names.

Preschool Careful To Sanitize Blocks Before Letting Kids Suck On Them | Sep 25 2020

In a recent email, preschool teacher Dawn Michaels reassured parents that her school was being extra careful to sanitize blocks before letting kids suck on them. “I understand that parents may be concerned about their child contracting COVID-19 in the classroom, especially given all of the shared surfaces in our learning environment,” said Michaels, meticulously spritzing blocks with disinfectant just moments before they headed straight into the mouth of a four-year-old.

Ventriloquist Much Less Convincing With Mask On | Sep 25 2020

According to recent attendees of the puppet show ‘Who You Calling a Dummy?!,’ the ventriloquist was much less convincing with his mask on. “I’m glad he’s being safe by wearing a mask, but he was clearly moving his mouth under there," said Julia Frickle, who attended the performance expecting to be mystified by a puppet that could talk all by itself.

CareerLAB Suggests Leveraging Connections To Find New Economy | Sep 25 2020

In a recent webinar, CareerLAB advisor Ben Nader suggested that students should leverage their connections to find a new economy. “We’re aware the economy isn’t so great right now," Nader said, showing an empty page of job listings on Handshake.

Tall Boy Humbled By Webcam Angle | Sep 25 2020

According to his classmates, tall boy Ben Smithston was humbled by his webcam angle over Zoom. “The camera makes Ben look all weird over Zoom," said classmate Kathy Wilson, watching Smithston make a double chin as he struggled to look at the camera like a normal person.

Incoming Freshman’s Room Only 15,925 Minute Walk To Ratty | Sep 25 2020

According to incoming freshman Peggy Ulchit, her room for the upcoming fall semester is only a 15,925 minute walk away from the Ratty. “I just checked Google Maps, and it looks like it’ll only take me about 16,000 minutes to get from my room to the Ratty," Ulchit said, drawing a line from her home just outside Greensboro, North Carolina to the dining hall.

United States Census Bureau Announces Plan To Count By Twos This Year | Sep 25 2020

In a recent press conference, statisticians from the United States Census Bureau announced plans to count by twos this year. “It usually takes us a full year to count every single person in the U.S. one-by-one, but recently we’ve concluded that it would be much faster if we just counted by twos instead,” said Ron LaPierre, who spent his entire career as a statistician counting by ones like a preschooler.

Nation’s Dogs Report Exponential Growth of Daytime Tummy Rubs | Apr 24 2020

In a recent study, the nation’s dogs announced that they have been experiencing exponential growth in daytime tummy rubs. “We first noticed a shift emerging in early March,” barked Buster, a chocolate labradoodle. “Some dogs on the west coast started to notice an extra tummy rub in the afternoon when their owners got home from work.” Initially, the dogs only predicted a small growth of tummy rubs in some regions of the country.

Area Man Wearing Watch On Inside Of Wrist Like He Navy SEAL | Apr 24 2020

According to observers, area man Tom Girkenstien is wearing his watch on the inside of his wrist like he’s some sort of Navy SEAL. “Tim always likes to wear his watch on the inside of his wrist as if he’s an elite soldier,” said Brett Kirkpatrick, a co-worker of Girkenstien’s.

Thayer Street Is So Quaint, Reports Mom Who Has Never Been Mowed Down By Uber At 3 PM On Tuesday | Mar 06 2020

Local mom Susan Gilford recently remarked that Thayer Street is so quaint, revealing she has never been mowed down by an Uber at 3 pm on a Tuesday. “Thayer is so nice with its tiny shops and restaurants," said Gilford, who has never once had to dodge an oncoming ride-sharing vehicle barreling down the road on her way home from class.

RISD Fashion Show Just Single Man Not Wearing Pants | Mar 06 2020

According to fashion aficionado James Kroneberg, the RISD fashion show was just a single man not wearing pants. “I came expecting to see all sorts of revolutionary designs from the nation’s top young fashion designers,” said Kroneberg, a confused look on his face.

Saxophone Boy Just Honking His Big Ol’ Horn | Mar 06 2020

Sources report that Saxophone Boy is just honking his big ol’ horn. “Toot toot,” went the Saxophone Boy, absolutely wailing on his jumbo piece of brass. “Skooby dooby doop doo whoop whoop bop.” “Bwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaap,” continued the Saxophone Boy, really laying wind into his big honking tube.

Yang Presidential Campaign Just Massive Ruse To Become Watson Fellow | Mar 06 2020

After ending his Presidential campaign in February, Andrew Yang ’96 told reporters that his whole campaign was just a massive ruse to become a Watson Fellow. “Our campaign tried to bring the economic hardships faced by everyday Americans into the common political discourse,” said the Brown alum, already putting on a Watson baseball hat.

Professor Reminisces About Steamy Fling With Author Of This Week’s Reading | Dec 06 2019

During a recent lecture, Professor Erik Yerbikson reminisced about a steamy fling he had with the author of this week’s reading, Nina Jacobson. “The essay I assigned by Jacobson is a groundbreaking piece of scholarship in the field of American Politics,” said Yerbikson, his cheeks starting to flush.

Brown Construction Workers Report Disappointing Lack Of Bones | Dec 06 2019

Construction workers across Brown reported that they have found a disappointing lack of bones in their various projects across campus. “I spend my entire day using an excavator to dig a giant hole in the middle of campus,” said construction worker Mick Plorbinski.

Tadpole Blissfully Unaware Of Brutish Monster It Will One Day Become | Dec 06 2019

According to a recent announcement by ecologist Sienna Grantenhooper, tadpoles are blissfully unaware of the brutish monsters they will one day become. “Tadpoles grow up completely oblivious to the fact that they will one day become frogs,” said Grantenhooper, watching a tadpole carelessly dart through some seaweed.

Everyone Just Pretending to Like Ken Burns Film | Oct 25 2019

At a recent documentary screening, everyone was just pretending to like Ken Burns’ film, The Civil War. “I thought it was an excellent film,” said viewer John Baker, stifling a big yawn. “His masterful use of slow-moving, black-and-white pictures truly set the scene.

Farmer Still Not Quite Sure What Goat Is Good For | Oct 25 2019

Despite working on a farm his entire life, local farmer Hal Ankerson recently admitted he is still not quite sure what his goat is good for. “Spending 30 years on the farm has taught me what most of the animals are used for,” said Ankerson as a goat gnawed on the corner of his shirt.

Local Alien Glorp Definitely Just Glard Gliping At Gloop Glop Glee's | Oct 25 2019

According to his friend Glinop, local alien Glorp was definitely just glard gliping at Gloop Glop Glee’s. “Glorp glip glyert glamp; gam goort Gloop Glop Glee glard glip glip! Gloy gloot glurt glrip glon,” said Glinop, while glirt gooping outside of Gloop Glop Glee’s.

Fully Autonomous Horse Beats Tesla To Market By 55 Million Years | Sep 13 2019

In a recent press conference, transportation expert Fred Greenfickle announced that a fully autonomous horse beat Tesla to market by 55 million years. “In February, Tesla announced plans to release a self-driving vehicle by 2020,” Greenfickle said.

Dad’s Sports Metaphor Requires Detailed Knowledge Of The 1997 Mets | Sep 13 2019

A recent sports metaphor used by local dad Dave McLean required detailed knowledge of the 1997 Mets to understand. “You know, when Bud Selig is making a tribute to Jackie Robinson at Shea Stadium, sometimes you have to get Lance Johnson to hit a single to second base,” McLean told his daughter while tying to teach her some sort of lesson about teamwork and perseverance.

Area Woman’s Fun Fact Just Disease She Had During Childhood | Apr 19 2019

During a recent get-to-know-you game, area woman Irene McGuire’s fun fact was just a strange disease she had during her childhood. “When I was in first grade, I was hospitalized for seventeen days after contracting a rare form of tuberculosis,” McGuire excitedly told a room of seven disgusted co-workers.

Fashion@Brown Just Sad People Wearing Things from Dad’s Closet | Apr 19 2019

According to Fashion@Brown’s Instagram followers, all of their content is just sad people wearing things they found in their dad’s closet. “I found this really cool polo from 1993 in my dad’s closet over spring break,” said model Mickey O’Connor, gazing into the distance with an empty look in his eyes.

Scientists Report Horse Would Be Much Faster with Wheels | Mar 08 2019

In a press conference held by the International Consortium of Zoologists on Tuesday, scientists reported that horses would be much faster if they had wheels. “A horse can gallop at 25 or 30 miles per hour,” said Greg Beckham, the head scientist on the project.

New Cookbook Just 32 Recipes For Leftover Soup | Dec 07 2018

A new cookbook from chef Jean-Paul Frère titled, “The Art of Soup Making”, features 32 delicious recipes for leftover soup. “Most soup cookbooks on the market right now only contain recipes with long ingredient lists, complicated preparation, and excessive simmering,” said Frère, who spent 2 years in the south of France perfecting each dish in the book.

Campus Construction Actually Massive Project To Find Long-Lost Treasure Of Nicholas Brown | Dec 07 2018

At a press conference on Friday morning, Assistant Vice President of Planning, Design & Construction Rick Bowe revealed that the various construction projects on campus were actually part of a massive, coordinated effort to find the long-lost treasure of Nicholas Brown.

Maud Mandel Forced To Slay Buck For Williams Dining Hall | Oct 26 2018

Reflecting on her first few months as President of Williams College, former Dean Maud Mandel told reporters that she was forced to slay a 210-pound buck in order to supply the Williams Dining Hall with enough food for the student body. “I spied the white-tailed buck at the foot of Mount Greylock and tracked it all the way to the head of the Taconic Trail,” said Mandel, describing her week-long expedition into the Berkshires.

Worker At Jo’s Salad Station Chopping Lettuce Like He’s Some Kind Of Serial Killer | Oct 26 2018

According to sources, a worker at the Jo’s salad station late Tuesday night was seen chopping lettuce like he was some kind of cold-blooded serial killer. “First, he sorted out all of the spinach and sliced off the stems,” said sophomore Lyle Pham, describing the disturbingly sinister methods the worker used to break the leafy green into small, consumable pieces.