“For hundreds of years, Brown Dining Services has been a world-class leader in providing delicious, semi-edible meals to the best and brightest students the world has to offer,” the announcement — printed on quarter sheets of paper and strewn across Ratty tables — began. “With up to three kinds of pasta and fully cooked chicken, this bold plan will revolutionize the campus dining experience by bringing a global range of culinary expertise under our bland, unseasoned boot.”

“Over the course of the next five years, we plan on swapping toxic, unregulated, and hazardous ingredients with the time-tested, ultra-processed staples that have defined the greatest moments of American cuisine,” explained Ty Paup, Director of Culinary Operations as he placed an order for Red Dye No. 39. "These innovative sourcing practices will allow changes to be implemented with only a 75% increase in meal plan costs.”

At press time, the Brown Career Center presented a roadmap to achieve only 70% unemployment among recent graduates.