Lance's articles
A recently released poll from the Brown Daily Herald was heavily biased toward students who weren’t hurrying to class.
“Looking through the data, major statistical discrepancies were found that indicated a wildly inaccurate sample size of students which disproportionately excluded students hurrying to class,” explained Jorge Mendoza, editor of the Herald, in between desperate pleas to students as they walked out of the Ratty.
Brown Dining Services has announced a bold 5-year plan to reach 80% edibility by 2030.
“For hundreds of years, Brown Dining Services has been a world-class leader in providing delicious, semi-edible meals to the best and brightest students the world has to offer,” the announcement — printed on quarter sheets of paper and strewn across Ratty tables — began.
Reports reveal that the gaydar of a freshman who grew up in a rural community is really confused.
“If someone wanted to really put themselves out there, a rainbow bracelet, lanyard, or backpack pin was an unquestionable marker,” he explained while palming a vaguely colorful band he was wearing on his wrist that would have been a daring display in his hometown.
Brown University students have returned to campus for a relaxing semester after rigorous time spent with family over the break.
“Having spent the last four weeks studying my parents’ facial expressions, attending Grandma’s life skill lectures, and being tested by my conservative uncles, a full schedule of early morning STEM courses is exactly what I need,” Richard Jackson ‘28 said with a haunted stare behind otherwise curious eyes.
President Donald Trump has announced plans for his eldest son, Donald Trump Jr., to become America’s 51st state.
“This is a historic moment for America,” President Trump boasted as he weaved through a convoluted speech outlining the economic benefits of Don Jr.
The election results in November made one thing clear: We won’t not be not going not back.
“The American people have spoken,” said one senior Harris Campaign official, Amelia Raython, straightening the Harris-Walz sign still in her front yard.
In a recent win for entrepreneurship, a Brown start-up, AskIt, has launched a new smartphone app that doesn’t work.
“We wanted to leverage the predictive capabilities of artificial neural networks and machine learning algorithms in order to create an interactive language-model that can answer critical questions,” explained Tom Hardman ‘26, the lead developer of AskIt, excited to show off the app’s horrendous graphical interface.
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