“The JBL Flip 5 is a top-of-the-line bluetooth speaker, one of the best on the market,” said Amanda Johnson, sitting in a cubicle made entirely out of JBL Flip 5 Speakers. “That’s why JBL Flip 5 Speakers comprise 85% of our budget.”

“Fill out this form for the chance to receive a JBL Flip 5 speaker!” added Johnson, handing over an I-9 form. “All of our employees also enjoy generous benefits, such as the JBL Flip 5 Speaker’s 12 hours of battery life and its waterproof outer casing for any kind of adventure!”

At press time, the Brown Admissions Office was paying their employees only in bribes.