“RISD guidelines now state that your headphones must be at least 15 years old and 100% uncomfortable,” Evan reports being told. “Examples included Koss Porta-Pros and Those Pink Wired Headphones You Had In Sixth Grade.”

“I thought I could sneak through,” said Evan, caught off guard with his even-kinda-new headphones. “I guess they can smell normie from a mile away. They’re like scarily cool Amish.”

“I saw one girl listening to Radiohead through literal sonar,” Evan added. “The guy that actually kicked me off was just using one of those cups on a string. I mean, I thought they only did that in the Goonies!”

At press time, another RISD student was dismayed to learn that Brown students utilize laptops in class and not archaic, vintage typewriters.