William's articles
Sources from the Main Green report that a guy playing Spikeball at 2pm would likely benefit from some harder classes.
“Yeah, I never have all that much to do,” said Tywin Tenot, local economics major and free-time connoisseur, setting up his Spikeball net as his classmates hurried to their lectures.
The beat drop in DJ TwoTime’s new song is extremely expected, early reports
say.
“I could just hear it coming from a mile away,” said listener John Kingston. “I mean, it follows the format that every song seems to follow these days. A slow start, a mild buildup, a moment of silence, and then the drop comes crashing in.
Sources indicate that an area man got completely trashed at his cousin’s wedding as if the woman who birthed him was not sitting two chairs away.
“I’hm having the time of my lifee,” commented Angus Teven, drunk off his fifth margarita from the probably too-open bar.
Early reports show that the local wizard’s most promising apprentice is definitely going to turn evil.
“He’s a classic: too much talent and not enough patience,” said Tim, the wizard’s other, less talented apprentice. “No way is Arathon, The Prodigy of the North going to be content with the simple charms and wards we’re being taught.
Hey, I actually have to cancel on tonight, sorry. I’ve got to walk around campus letting freshmen know that they’re totally behind in the social scene. Like, totally and completely behind. I mean, someone’s got to tell them that if they don’t have a 15+ person friend group by the end of Orientation, they might as well give up on “the college experience.”
Yeah, skulking towards them across the Main Green is the plan for the night.
Girl carrying a heavy box in public is really worried it will set a precedent moving forward.
“I just don’t want anyone thinking I enjoy it,” said Sheila Ment, lugging a new air purifier from the mail room. “I do this because I have to, y’know.
I know that comparison doesn’t bring true happiness, but I’m pretty sure taking that motherfucker’s jacket by force would put a smile on my face. While you may think that’s violent, I’m not sure if you’ve seen the fit on this one, let alone the detailing.
I hate to say it, but some of y’all wear that Brown merch until it’s colored like a wet and dismal swamp. I really can’t remember the last time I saw some of y’all not decked out in Brown sweatpants so heavily worn that they’re markedly green.
POINT: Tommy’s Got A Terrible Life Altering Concussion by Nurse Lisa
Oh man, Tommy doesn’t look good guys. Looks like they really got him on that last play. Did you see how that dude’s shoulder hit him right on the temple? I think he might really be out of it this time.
BOO! Haha, sorry. You know how I like to joke around sometimes.
“Someone’s gotta lighten the mood, y’know. I just think everyone’s a little tense these days. Let’s loosen up! Someone’s gotta ease the tension!” said David Sterling, frequent reddit user.
Mom is only 45, she should definitely be in the club.
“I’m just too busy helping with the neighborhood kids,” said your mom, packing the minivan full of carpoolers to take to soccer practice, when really, she’s only 45, she should be in the club.
Salem resident Sister Agatha would absolutely float in the local well, says Reverend Samuel Parris. “Oh, she’s lighter than a bag of feathers,” said Parris, summoning a big crowd around the town well to settle this issue once and for all. “There’s no doubt in my mind.
Local Brown student Evan Stevenson has been permanently banned from the one-and-a-half blocks of RISD campus after being spotted wearing his new Apple Airpod Max’s.
“RISD guidelines now state that your headphones must be at least 15 years old and 100% uncomfortable,” Evan reports being told.
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