“Since 2017, we’ve fundraised tirelessly to achieve our ultimate goal of eliminating student loans. We are very happy to say that we’ve exceeded our $120 million dollar goal,” stated a university-wide email. “This means that students will no longer have to graduate under the burden of financial debt. Instead of relying on loans to fill the gaps between our $88,948 tuition and what their family can afford, they can let a university enforcer break their kneecaps in retribution for the debt they owe us.”

The University thanked the generosity of donors for making the Brown Promise successful. Without donor assistance, the University would still be reliant on breaking bank accounts instead of bones.

“This initiative removes a major barrier to entry for our moderate income families,” continued the email. “The cost of providing an Ivy League education is steep, even with a $6.5 billion endowment. Thankfully, each students’ full demonstrated need will be met, as long as they can demonstrate that need through the FAFSA, multiple financial appeals, and are not international. If not, then students have the option of a lead pipe straight to the knees.”

At press time, the Brown Dining Service left a dead fish on the doorstep of an underclassman who had asked about an exemption from the meal plan.