Saturday, February 22, 2020
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The Brown Noser

Annie Cimack

Writer

Annie's articles

Surgeon Regrets Putting On Hand Lotion Before Going To Work | Dec 06 2019

Dr. Luther P. Ross, a prominent brain surgeon in the area, realized during a procedure this Tuesday that applying Twisted Peppermint scented hand lotion before heading into surgery had been a poor choice. “Does anyone want some of this?” Dr. Ross said to his team of surgeons, offering to wipe his extra lotion on their forearms.

Matthew McConaughey Lincoln Commercials Snubbed Again This Awards Season | Dec 06 2019

After a weak showing at the Oscars, Matthew McConaughey’s Lincoln commercials have officially been shut out this awards season. “I’m shocked the pieces didn’t get the recognition they so deeply deserve,” stated film editor for the New York Times, Clive Masterson, in response to the snub.

Pigeon Doesn’t Need Your Handouts | Oct 25 2019

After an old man disrespectfully tossed crumbs on the ground for some birds, a local pigeon insisted that he doesn’t need your handouts. “I can’t believe this!” the pigeon said, deeply offended by the incident. “I’m not going to eat a stranger’s leftover muffin off the ground.

CareerLab Wants To Know If Student Ever Considered Riding Rails Or Hitting Open Road | Oct 25 2019

During a meeting with a student looking for help with his job search, CareerLab counselor Marjorie Klein began to ask whether he had ever considered riding the rails or hitting the open road. “He came in asking about a career in journalism, but all I could offer was a crude rucksack and a bit of hardtack for his journey west," Klein said.

Study Finds Tattered, Coarsened Sea Captains Most Likely to Monologue About Ocean as “Cruel Mistress” | Oct 25 2019

According to a multi-year survey of weather-beaten wharfs all ’round the high seas, coarsened sea captains’ likelihood of delivering gruff soliloquies about the heartlessness of the ocean is remarkably high. “Typically, one can expect the long-bearded men of the sea to have a negative view of such bodies of water,” explained Dr.