Sunday, May 19, 2024
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The Brown Noser

Annie Cimack

Editor-in-Chief (Retired)

Annie's articles

Air Force One Passenger Wondering If President Would Mind If They Took Their Shoes Off | May 12 2023

A current passenger on Air Force One, journalist Ari Gelb, is wondering if the president would mind if he took off his shoes on the plane. “This is a really tough call for me,” stated Gelb as he tentatively reached down to the laces of his dress shoes.

Of Course It’s Supposed To Look Like That! Do You Really Think I Would Forget To Remove All The Ugly Temporary Siding Before Opening? By The Architect of the Lindemann Performing Arts Center | May 12 2023

Come on, you guys! Those huge, white panels covering the Lindemann may look like temporary siding, but they’re totally supposed to be there. Do you really think I’m stupid enough to leave up hundreds of corrugated iron sheets before opening to the general public? No way! I designed the building like this.

Please, Take My Children And Keep Them Safe. Where I’m Going, They Can’t Follow by Senior Selling Their Plants On Facebook Marketplace | May 12 2023

You there! Kind sir, please, take my children. The night air is harsh, and where I’m going, they may not follow. For, I have no way I will transport my plants to New York, and graduation grows ever closer. I can see in your eyes, you’re a kind, giving man.

National Geographic Launching Campaign To Save Only Photogenic Wildlife | May 12 2023

The National Geographic Magazine, famous for their environmental and geographical photography, is proud to announce their newest conservation initiative: saving only the most photogenic wildlife from extinction. “Let’s be honest. People don’t want to see those weird little shits.

Report: Fuck It, Man Gonna Buy Sandwich At Metro Mart | May 12 2023

Running low on time for lunch, junior Ronald Jeefers is swallowing his pride and buying a sandwich from Metro Mart. “I usually come in here to buy a lighter or Snickers bar, but I really need to eat before my section. I’m out of options. It’s either eat this mystery bodega sandwich or starve,” stated Jeefers as he walked past the snacks and the cooler of old fruit to the dark corner of Metro Mart which houses the empty deli case.

Report: Get Out Of Here! | May 12 2023

According to local sources, you need to get the hell out of here! “We’re talking to you! Yeah, you! You better get out of here before we MAKE you get out!” stated an individual who is clearly tired of you sticking around here. “You heard me. You need to put your ass in gear and get your ugly face out of here! Scram! Vamoose! Blow!” At press time, sources reported yeah, and stay out!

Report: Aunt Makes Jewelry Now | Apr 14 2023

After calling her sister, your mom has informed you that Aunt Rose makes jewelry now. “Some of her pieces are really…unique,” stated your mom after Aunt Rose described the beaded labia pendants she was working on. “It’s a lot of copper wire, amethyst, and rope.

Brown University To End Student Loans, To Start Student Kneecap Breaking | Apr 14 2023

Brown University recently announced the success of their Brown Promise initiative, which will permanently eliminate student loans from financial aid packages, instead replacing loans with student kneecap breaking. “Since 2017, we’ve fundraised tirelessly to achieve our ultimate goal of eliminating student loans.

Senior Glad Summer Break, Existential Crisis Just Around Corner | Apr 14 2023

After a long semester, senior Melissa Sanchez can’t wait for summer break to arrive, along with an impending existential crisis. “Finally! I can almost taste it,” stated Sanchez, looking forward to three months of freedom, which could potentially become a lifetime of freedom if she doesn’t find a job soon.

YouTube Video Opened For Background Noise Immediately Becomes Foreground Noise | Apr 14 2023

According to sources close to junior Tim Kleeper, the YouTube video he turned on for some background noise has actually become more of a foreground noise. “Yeah, I can’t really study in silence,” stated Kleeper as his eyes drifted away from the anatomy text he was reading and back to his computer screen.

Mosquito Not Repelled, Just Repulsed By You | Apr 14 2023

Mosquito sources report that your mosquito repellant isn’t effective, mosquitos are just repulsed by you. “Yeah, it’s not like I’m a huge fan of citronella, but that’s not what actually turns me off. It’s you. Like, you as a person,” stated a local mosquito who’s been flying around your face but refuses to actually bite you.

Pet Rock Put Down | Feb 18 2023

After a long life as a beloved member of the family and an unfortunate accident which resulted in the loss of a googly-eye, Pierre the pet rock is being put down. “We’ve had a good run, buddy, but it’s time for us to go our separate ways,” said Pierre’s owner, Jimmy Pickens, as he tearfully loaded his beloved pet into his cardboard carrier one last time.

Irish Comedy Saddest Thing Person’s Ever Seen | Feb 18 2023

According to movie goers morosely stumbling out of the theater, the Irish “comedy” they just watched was the saddest thing they’ve ever seen. “I knew it was going to be bad when Patrick’s only friend was his 90-year-old grandmother,” commented Carol Schuth, wiping away tears and regretting going to a film advertised as “Family Fun, and a Raucous Good Time.” “And with the mine shut down, there was no way Patrick could have afforded her medicine.” “The scene with the family cow just killed me.

Old West Doctor Doesn’t Have Degree, Does Have Top Hat | Feb 18 2023

Sources in the Old West report that while their town doctor doesn’t have a medical degree, he does have a top hat. “Doc Grumbin is truly the best practitioner of the medical arts our town has ever seen,” stated Mayor Brody, who was elected mayor based on his credentials of owning a striped vest and pocket watch.

Woman Following Geriatric Dog On Instagram Living In Constant Fear Of Inevitable | Feb 18 2023

Since following Yodel the aging French bulldog, local woman Renee Scott has been living in constant fear of the inevitable. “Checking Yodel’s page is the highlight of my day, but I know that eventually, his owner will post news that will absolutely ruin my day,” said Scott as she scrolled through Yodel’s Instagram feed.

Report: Every Student In New York Literature Class From Westchester County | Feb 18 2023

Students from a class on the literature of New York City report that every single one of their classmates is from Westchester County. “The readings just really resonated with me,” stated Carmichael Sinclair ’25, whose family has lived in Westchester for 100 years.

Professor Proud To Introduce Their Four Brilliant Grad TAs And One Stupid One | Feb 18 2023

According to his students, Professor Agarwal is proud to introduce his course’s four brilliant graduate TAs and also a stupid one. “We are so lucky to have June, Theo, Marcus, and Rita with us this semester. Their research has propelled our field forward, and I’m sure they’ll go on to have promising careers,” stated Professor Agarwal as he presented his TAs to the class.

ResLife Conveniently Ignoring Fact That Student Rejected From Wellness Might Have Benefited From Wellness-Oriented Environment | Feb 18 2023

In accordance with their housing placement policies, ResLife is conveniently sidestepping the fact that the students they reject from the Wellness dorm would probably benefit most of all from an environment centered around wellness. “I was rejected from Wellness last year because I was too unwell,” stated Maria Abboud ‘23.5 from her room in Minden, which doesn’t have a single wall without a hole in it.

The Attic Is A Safe And Warm Place And Definitely Not Somewhere I'll Get Stuck And Die, by Squirrel Trapped In Attic | Feb 18 2023

Scratch scratch scratch! Boy, oh boy, I am sooo happy! I sure do love this Attic! Before, when I was outside, it was so cold. The trees were scary, and it was really windy! But in here, it’s nice and warm, and there’s no wind, and there’s also no way out.

Tab You Just Closed Was Actually Important One | Dec 16 2022

Sources report that the tab you just closed was actually the important one. “Oh, shit! Why did I do that? I totally needed that one,” stated you as you frantically tried to remember the keyboard shortcut for reopening a tab. “This is why you should never, ever close a tab when you’re working on a project.

Student Forced To Use Toilet Paper For Tissues Really Empathizing With Life During Great Depression | Dec 16 2022

While forced to use toilet paper instead of regular tissues, Maxwell Jammer ‘24 was really able to empathize with life during the Great Depression. “They had nothing to their names. It’s incredible that those people were able to get by,” stated Jammer as he tore off a few squares of toilet paper in preparation for blowing his nose.

Report: Fuck It, Woman Just Going To Eat Little Piece of Paper Stuck To Cough Drop | Dec 16 2022

According to area woman Claire Rinkle, she is saying ‘fuck it’ and eating the little bit of paper that’s still stuck to her cough drop. “I’ve been carrying the bag of cough drops around in my purse for a few months, and I guess at some point they kind of melted together.

Self-Driving Car Wishes Owner Would | Dec 16 2022

According to self-driving cars, they wish their owners would. “I mean, really. How hard is it to just drive your own damn car? Humans don’t need to calibrate their eyes not to hit people in a crosswalk, or for that matter, drive into any white thing.

Old-Timey Prospector Talking Like That Because He Prospector | Dec 16 2022

Sources close to old-timey prospector Cletus Jenkes report that he talks like that because he’s a prospector. “Before he became crazed with goldlust, I never heard him call mountains ‘them thar hills’ or snakes ‘vermin,’ but I guess it comes with the territory,” states Jenkes’s longtime friend Wilbur Booth as he watched Jenkes heave a burlap sack of rocks onto a mule’s back.

Report: Snake Would Be Cute If It Weren't A Sober Reminder Of Man's Original Sin | Dec 16 2022

Scientists have determined that snakes would probably be cute if they weren’t a sober reminder of man’s original sin against God. “Ultimately, we couldn’t ignore the fact that, while snakes may have a tiny little tongue and small beans for eyes, they can never be cute because they are a constant reminder of man’s failures,” explained Dr.

I'm Coming To Town And I'm Looking For a Three Bed, Two Bath Townhouse With Space To Entertain by Santa Claus | Dec 16 2022

Ho ho ho! It’s the best time of the year to invest in a retail property, so I’m coming to town and looking for a three bed, two bath townhouse with space to entertain. Just because I can see you when you’re sleeping and know when you’re awake doesn’t mean I know everything there is to know about the Fort Lauderdale housing market, so I’m going to be working with my realtor, Janet, to find a summer home.

Classmate Nowhere Good Enough Artist To Justify Such Expensive Pens | Oct 31 2022

According to her classmates, Julia Puck ‘26 is nowhere near good enough an artist to justify her use of fancy pens. “When I first saw them, I was kind of confused. She never does more than just take some notes, and, maybe once in a while, a little doodle of a flower or an eyeball in the margin.

Woman Thinks Of The Perfect Tweet For Seven Years Ago | Oct 31 2022

Local Twitter user Meghan Jinkle has just thought of what would’ve been a perfect tweet about seven years ago. “Ah, shit! Why did I just think of this now?” stated Jinkle, who, at that very moment, had realized that Pompeii was kind of the first mannequin challenge.

Sure, Religious Freedom Is Great And All, But I Wish More People Remembered Me For My Rock Hard Abs By Roger Williams | Oct 31 2022

First off, I want to be absolutely clear: I am very much in favor of religious freedom. After all, I did found Providence in order to give people a place to worship free from fear of persecution. My issue is with the fact that religious freedom is pretty much all people remember me for when in reality, there’s so much more to me.

RA Telling Group Of First Years Not To Smoke Indoors…Without Her! | Sep 16 2022

Sources in a freshman dorm report that resident advisor Lisa Mulligan has instructed them not to smoke indoors… without her! “It’s important to have respect for the property of the university, and even more so, respect for your peers and neighbors,” said Mulligan to a group of first years during their unit orientation.

Hamster Really Wishes Owner Would Feed It Hamster Food Instead Of Tiny Plates Of Spaghetti | Sep 16 2022

Sources report that local hamster Dr. Wiggins desperately wishes he was fed regular hamster food instead of miniature plates of spaghetti. “It was cute the first time, but now, I’m honestly sick of it,” stated Dr. Wiggins as his owner set recorded the next installment of their viral TikTok series.

Report: Zoo Animal’s Eyes Mournful | Sep 16 2022

Sources at the city zoo report that the Fifi the orangutan’s eyes are especially mournful. “I don’t know what I was expecting, but honestly, it bummed me out a bit,” stated zoo-goer Jeff Rango as Fifi slowly raised a massive hand to the glass window of her enclosure.

Public Beginning To Think Joe Biden Didn’t Make This Instagram Reel | Sep 16 2022

Sources report that something about Joe Biden’s latest Instagram Reel makes them feel like the president may not have made it himself. “You know, I’m not sure why, but I just don’t think Joe posted this,” said Marcus Sanchez as he watched the ten-second clip of Joe Biden on the phone in the Oval Office.

Long Distance Couple Enjoying Tender Discussion About Poor Wifi | Sep 16 2022

Sources report that couple Renee Chung and Anthony Fellini are enjoying a wonderful discussion about their aspirations, their love for one another, and their terrible wifi. “No one makes me feel the way you do. You’re beautiful, and I know that because I’ve been staring at your frozen video for the past three minutes waiting for the call to stop lagging,” said Fellini as he tried disconnecting and reconnecting his wifi for the fourth time that night.

Provost Locke’s New Apple Job Giving Brown Students Hope They Too Can Sell Out One Day | Sep 16 2022

Sources report that Provost Richard Locke’s recent career transition to the new Vice President and Dean of Apple University is giving Brown students hope that they’ll also be able to sell out one day. “It’s truly an inspiration,” stated Nick Grainger ‘25 as he read a Brown Daily Herald article about Locke leaving his role at Brown.

Sailing Team Really Taking Credit For What Boats | Apr 22 2022

According to campus sources, Brown’s student body is quickly coming to the realization that the Brown Sailing Team is pretty much just taking credit for what the boats do. “I mean, now that I think about it, it’s not the people who are doing all the floating and stuff,” stated Wilma Beebles ‘24 while watching the sailing team getting ready for a race against other boats.

SPIN Now Offering People Who Carry You Around | Apr 22 2022

According to sources inside the rental scooter and bicycle company, SPIN has recently released a new method of rentable transportation: a person who picks you up and carries you around. “At first, I didn’t understand what the guy in an orange shirt was doing sitting on the curb,” stated Jorge Garcia ‘22.

Student Realizing Grad TA Just Older, Sadder Student | Apr 22 2022

After an especially slow section, Comparative Literature student Maria Clinch 23’ realized that her grad TA is just an older, sadder student. “It hit me when I saw my TA get out of her 1999 Toyota Camry. I was like, wow, that’s a 27-year-old who’s still in school, the same school I’m going to.

Report: Goat Eyes Fucked Up | Apr 22 2022

According to recent community findings, goat eyes are incredibly fucked up. “Holy shit, why have I never noticed this before?! Ew! What’s wrong with that goat? It’s got those disgusting slits for pupils, and why are its irises bright red?” stated Randy Choi as he saw a goat’s eyeball up close for the first time while on a trip to a petting zoo.

Wearing Captain’s Hat To Club Seemed Cooler In Theory | Apr 22 2022

Upon arriving at Providence nightclub X-celsior late Friday night, Joe Scalopi immediately realized that wearing a captain’s hat to the club was not as cool of an idea as he had anticipated. “To me, a captain’s hat conveys immense swagger, but also a certain refined air.

Campus Nervously Realizing New Performing Arts Center Dangerous Gateway To More Student Theater | Mar 11 2022

Brown’s campus is anxiously coming to terms with the fact that once the new Performing Arts Center is complete, it’ll be an unfortunate excuse for more student theater. “I guess it hadn’t dawned on me before,” stated William Roxley ’24 as he deleted another Facebook invite to a friend’s play.

English Concentrator Desperately Trying To Squeeze One More Piece Out Of Trip To New York City | Mar 11 2022

English Nonfiction concentrator Jeanette McDoon is desperately trying to think of just one more anecdote to write about from her weekend in NYC. “Oh god, please, please. I can’t write about the bridges or hotdogs or pigeons anymore,” lamented McDoon as she tried to think of a single aspect about her trip that she hadn’t already regurgitated in a previous essay.

Essay Written At 4 AM Either Completely Unintelligible Or Actually Pretty Good | Mar 11 2022

Upon finishing his essay at 4 AM, junior Mark Vellispedes decided that it was either completely unreadable or actually some of his better work. “You know, for something I wrote really late at night, I don’t think it’s too bad,” stated Vellispedes as he quickly glanced over the eight pages he’d pulled an all-nighter to write.

Thrifted Sweater Simultaneously Ugliest And Most Fashionable Thing Woman Owns | Mar 11 2022

Area woman Michelle Yu’s thrifted sweater is the worst piece of clothing she’s ever worn and also the nicest thing she owns. “I mean, it’s definitely on-trend for right now,” stated Yu as she put on the horrific early ‘90s relic, which is covered in bright orange triangles and brown spirals.

Wordle Surprised You Didn’t Know The Word “Glebe” | Mar 11 2022

Following an exceptionally disappointing showing this morning, Wordle is honestly surprised you didn’t know the word “glebe.” “Frankly, I’m a little disappointed,” stated Wordle, after your final guess of “globe” proved incorrect.

Report: W-Who’s There? | Mar 11 2022

After hearing a loud thump downstairs, area man Mr. Angus Scruggs reported, w-who’s there? “H-hello? Is anyone down there?” asked Scruggs, putting on a velvet robe over his nightshirt and sleeping cap in preparation for going downstairs. “I’m w-warning you! When I get down there, there better not be a hooligan stealing my antique silver or bejeweled finery.

Golly, Mister! That’s One Fine Looking Sandwich! Boy, I Sure Am Hungry… by Lil Wilbur Crump | Mar 11 2022

Well golly, mister! Never have I ever laid eyes on a more delicious lookin’ sandwich! Yessir, I bet that’s a meal you’ll surely enjoy! Boy oh boy, I sure am hungry… Now it looks like you’re having a grand ol’ turkey sandwich. Turkey is my favorite, no doubt about it! Couldn’t tell you the last time I enjoyed a nice turkey sandwich, but I really hope you enjoy yours.

Woman Slowly Coming To Terms With Fact She’ll Never Live In Tiny Mushroom House | Feb 04 2022

Area woman Aisha Mitri is processing the brutal reality that she will never live in a tiny little mushroom house. “It just doesn’t seem fair. Sure, I may not be a little field mouse wearing a skirt made out of tulip petals, but damn it, I want to live in a miniature toadstool cottage!” lamented Mitri, who lives in a hulking, concrete atrocity of an apartment building, constructed in the late eighties by some soulless real estate firm.

Alas! The Count Has Gambled Away My Dowry’s Last Ducat by Countess Borrellinono | Feb 04 2022

Alack! What grave, grave misfortune! Evening last, my husband, the High Count Antonio Borrellinono gambled away my very last ducat. His misfortune at the cards has laid my purse completely bare. What is to become of me? If the count were to cast me out, I would be penniless! Many nights, he dines at the Desenzano, overlooking the Riviera, where he drinks much prosecco.

Classmate Definitely Former Leash Child | Feb 04 2022

Sources report that Daniel, the guy from your Introduction to Literary Theory course, was definitely a leash child when he was younger. “I mean, just look at him. Every time the professor makes a joke, Daniel laughs ridiculously hard. It’s pretty obvious that he just wants the attention, which is classic leash child,” stated fellow classmate Rebecca Straus, as Daniel tried to get her attention by repeatedly poking her in the back with a pencil.

Report: Hmm, Boyfriend Dressed Like That | Feb 04 2022

While being picked up for a date, Marissa Welt can’t help but notice that her boyfriend is dressed like that. “Wow. Where did he even get that hat? He’s never worn anything like it before,” remarked Welt as her boyfriend tipped his flat, tweed cap as he greeted her at the door.

Christina Paxson Telling Everyone She Discovered Ashish Jha | Feb 04 2022

Multiple sources have reported that President Christina Paxson is telling everyone that she “discovered” Dr. Ashish Jha. “When I first found Ashish, he was a struggling public health professional,” stated Paxson to an uncomfortable donor touring the university.

Foolish Man Believes He Can Balance Glass Of Water On Bed | Dec 03 2021

Micheal George, a foolish man, has let his hubris get the better of him and is attempting to balance a glass of water on his bed. “The table is a little too far away, but I’m sure this will be fine,” stated George, his sinful pride convincing him that he is somehow superior to his fellow man and that he will succeed where generations of others have failed.

I Can't Remember Any Of Your Likes Or Interests, So Here's A Fat Stack Of Cash by Great Aunt Helen | Dec 03 2021

Dear Aiden, Oh wait, it’s Aaron, not Aiden. Senior moment! How are you, sweetie? I wouldn’t know, because you haven’t come to visit me in three years. Well, honey, you’re getting a big fat stack of cash for the holidays because I have absolutely no clue what you like anymore.

.5ers Giving Us Little Kiss On Forehead Before They Steal Away Into The Night | Dec 03 2021

Sources report that just before the class of ’21.5 slips away into the night, they’re giving us a little kiss on the forehead. “I had finished packing up my room, but then I realized I’d forgotten something very, very important,” stated .5er Maurice Randall as he swung a dark, hooded cloak over his shoulders and ever so quietly shut the door behind him.

University Unveils Plan To Cover Entire Campus With Huge Tent | Oct 29 2021

Expressing excitement over Brown’s latest campus safety measure, President Christina Paxson recently announced that, as of next week, the entire campus will be covered with one gigantic tent. “Science tells us that the likelihood of COVID spread is greatly decreased when outdoors," stated Paxson in a 2,000-word email sent to the Brown community.

Weird Herb Must Be Cure For Something | Oct 29 2021

Medical researchers agree that this really weird herb must be the cure for something. “I can’t tell you what exactly this herb can cure, but it smells really bad, and if an herb stinks that much, that probably means that it’s some kind of medicine or something,” explained researcher Mabel Notts as she tried to put a little piece of a leaf into a pill.

Dad Talking About Civil War Battle Like He Was There | Oct 29 2021

After watching a short documentary on the Seige of Vicksburg, local dad Gary Peterson was talking about the battle like he was there. “You know, the Seige of Vicksburg was significant for many reasons, but it all came down to Vickburg’s strategic location,” stated Peterson as he scrolled through the TV Guide looking for the History Channel or a Ken Burns documentary.

Report: .5ers Kind Of Clingy At This Point | Sep 17 2021

According to the rest of Brown’s student body, the class of 2021.5 is kind of clingy at this point. “Don’t get me wrong, I like the ’.5ers, I just think that it’s time for them to move on,” stated Chloe Freeman ’22, clearly annoyed that seniors from last year are still seniors this year.

ResLife Assigns Roommates To Single Bed Like Grandparents In Willy Wonka | Sep 17 2021

ResLife has reportedly assigned a group of four roommates to a single bed they share like the grandparents in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. “I knew we were in trouble when we were put into late assignment,” stated Tyler García ’23 as he opened his door, revealing an iron-framed bed in the middle of the room.

Summer Students Still Drowsy From Quick Power Nap Between Semesters | Sep 17 2021

The students who attended Brown over the summer are still drowsy from their quick power nap between semesters, sources report. “I wrapped up my summer courses this morning,” stated second-year Samantha Li as she woke up from her first genuine nap in four months.

Man Dusts Crumbs Off Laptop Like Little Elf Cleaning Work Bench | Sep 17 2021

Local man Ralph Kim is dusting crumbs off his laptop, much like a teeny-tiny elf would clean his workbench after a long day of making toys. “I got hungry halfway through writing a paper, and I ate a croissant over my keyboard,” said Kim as he meticulously wiped away pastry bits, just as an elf might dust away sawdust after using itty-bitty tools to make wooden trains.

Old Man Sitting On Bench Must Be Metaphor For Something | Sep 17 2021

According to visitors at a local park, the old man sitting on a bench must be a metaphor for something. “Wow, look at that. So sad, I think,” stated fellow park-goer Melanie Winters as she walked her dog past the old man, who was quietly reading a book.

History Concentrator Snags Internship Blowing Dust Off Of Big, Old Books | Apr 09 2021

History concentrator Jim Dickens has reportedly landed a coveted summer internship blowing the dust off of big, old books. “I was able to network with my professor’s friend who is an absolute giant in the dusty old book industry, and he hooked me up with this sweet opportunity,” explained Dickens as he put on a fancy little pair of white gloves to touch the gross old books.

Class Of 2021 Graduation Just Christina Paxson Yelling “Scram!” With Tears In Her Eyes | Apr 09 2021

The University has announced that the Class of 2021’s graduation ceremony will consist of Christina Paxson yelling “Scram!” at the graduating seniors while struggling to hold back her tears. “Christina Paxson will be forgoing the usual speech and will instead scream ‘Go on, git!’ at the crowd until the seniors eventually wander off campus,” explained representative for University Events Margot Chapman.

Student Choking On Chicken Bone Can’t Wait For Ratty To Reopen So He Can Get Heimlich | Mar 12 2021

Sophomore Matt Tooney reportedly can’t wait for the Ratty to reopen as he is currently choking on a chicken bone and would like to get the Heimlich. “Aaaack! Chhhaga chugh chaugh!” remarked Tooney, fondly remembering better days at Brown, back when the Ratty was open and when he did not have a chicken bone in his throat.

Report: Rise In Girlboss Population Not Reflected In Number Of Female CEOs | Mar 12 2021

A new study has determined that the recent increase in girl bosses is in no way related to an increase in the number of female CEOs. “We saw a sharp rise in the number of women identifying as ‘girl bosses’ this past year,” explained Dr. Rebecca Mayfield, an expert in female empowerment and leaning in.

Defendant Accidentally Calls Judge Mom | Feb 05 2021

Defendant Sean Burnside accidentally addressed the Honorable Judge George Whitaker as “Mom” while on trial for robbing a gas station. “Oh my god, that has to be THE most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me!” stated Burnside, intensely paranoid that the rest of the courtroom was going to bully him for his humiliating slip-up.

Woman Opening Pistachios Using Discarded Shells Like Chimp Learning To Use Tools | Feb 05 2021

Local woman Erica Sloane is using discarded pistachio shells to open more pistachios as if she were a chimp who just learned to use primitive tools. “When I started, I thought, ‘Wow, that was so clever of me!’” said Sloane while prying open the nuts with old shells in the same way that a chimpanzee uses rocks to break apart hard fruits.

Ratty Meal Bags To Include Life-Size Rashid Zia Posters For Students To Eat Lunch With | Feb 05 2021

According to Brown Dining Services, Ratty meal bags will now include life-sized Rashid Zia posters alongside which students will be able to eat lunch. “We asked ourselves what students missed the most during quarantine, and the answer was clear: having lunch with Dean of the College Rashid Zia,” explained Dylan Speigel, the Brown Dining Services coordinator and mastermind behind the initiative.

Jaunty Little Boy Refuses To Wear Frock Made Of Anything But Finest Silk | Oct 30 2020

Local jaunty boy Pearson LaFontaine absolutely refuses to wear his evening frock unless it’s made of the highest quality silk. “No, no, no! This is unacceptable, Mummy!” said the young Master Pearson when his mother, Lady LaFontaine, attempted to pass off a commonplace cotton frock in place of his usual silken one.

Second Favorite Child’s Artwork Put On Mini Fridge | Oct 30 2020

Second favorite child Max Engle’s artwork has been deemed good, but not great by his mother and is now being displayed on the family’s mini-fridge in the basement. “You know, I just felt that the fluorescent light in the basement flattered Max’s drawing much better than the natural light in the kitchen,” claimed Max’s mother, Helen Engle, whose reception of the drawing earlier that day had been lukewarm at best.

Friend’s BPR Article Opened, Closed | Oct 30 2020

Sources report that junior Amanda Brently opened her friend’s Brown Political Review article on Chinese trade with the European Union and promptly closed it again. “When I read the title, I was immediately impressed by the implied grasp Mark had on the subject,” said Brently of her friend’s piece, which she hadn’t even bothered to skim.

Emotionally Distant Boyfriend Now Socially Distant As Well | Sep 25 2020

In the midst of the pandemic, local boyfriend Mark Stebbens has become not only emotionally distant but also socially distant, his girlfriend reported. “He’s never really been one for talking about how he feels, and now that we can’t get together, things are a little awkward between us,” said Stebbens’ girlfriend, Lisa Kowalsky.

Provost Locke Furiously Shaking Magic 8-Ball to Finalize COVID Response Plan | Sep 25 2020

Sources report that Provost Richard Locke is currently locked in his bedroom, furiously shaking a Magic 8-Ball to finalize Brown’s COVID response plan. “Will students be allowed to come back onto campus in October?” Provost Locke said, sweat dripping down his face as he shook the ball.

BDH Becoming Scarily Relevant To Daily Life | Sep 25 2020

After finding themselves somehow interested in what the paper had to say, sources report that the Brown Daily Herald is becoming scarily relevant to daily life. “I never thought I could get so desperate for news that I’d read the BDH,” said Emily Fromme ’21.

Only Thing That Could Further Decrease BDH’s Readership Happens | Apr 24 2020

The only thing that could further decrease the BDH’s readership has happened, sources reported. “To be honest, we always thought we were already at the rock bottom number of readers,” said editor-in-chief Sara Plonk ’20, amazed that the paper’s readership could fall below no one picking up any copies.

CDC Guidelines Force Father To Judge Daughter’s Boyfriend By Firmness Of Elbow Tap | Apr 24 2020

In accordance with CDC guidelines, local dad Robert Fisher has been forced to judge his daughter’s new boyfriend by the firmness of his elbow tap. “I have to say, I wasn’t thrilled when my little girl told me she was going around with this Kyle kid from her psychology class,” said Fisher, lamenting the bad timing of the romance.

All Dad’s Hobbies Involve Making Worse Versions Of Items Easily Purchased In Store | Apr 24 2020

All of local dad and self-described “do-it-yourselfer” Lou Nielson’s new hobbies involve making worse versions of items easily found in stores. “I just woke up one day and said, ‘Lou, you have to chase your dreams,’” stated Nielson, proudly sipping one of the watery IPAs he made for far more than he could have paid to get higher quality drinks at a liquor store.

No Graduation? Oh Ho! How The Tables Have Turned, My Sweets! by The Class Of 19.5 | Apr 24 2020

My, my, my! What seems to be the problem? Is the Class of 2020 missing their special graduation? Such a shame! We, the Class of 2019.5, would like to extend our most heartfelt, deepest sympathies to the current graduating class. It must be so hard to not have the entire community there to support you on your special day! Poor dears! When we walked through the Van Wickle gates and became a part of a time-honored tradition, it felt like a pretty special moment, but you guys shouldn’t worry about that.

Dad Blowing Dust Off Record Like He Indiana Jones | Mar 06 2020

Area dad Mark Babson is reportedly taking painstaking care to blow every speck off dust of his 1977 vinyl of Steely Dan’s Aja as if he were Indiana Jones, the intrepid archaeologist of classic 80s movie trilogy. “Man, it’s been forever since I played this,” said Babson as he pulled the album out of its yellowed, paper dust jacket.

Burger King Pretending Impossible Whopper The Only Burger They Sell Without Beef In It | Mar 06 2020

Sources report that fast food chain Burger King is pretending their new plant-based Impossible Whopper is the only burger they sell without beef in it. “Here at Burger King, we’re proud to offer a meatless alternative to our traditional burgers,” said spokesperson Richard Gilhooly, completely ignoring the fact that the other Whoppers on Burger King’s menu contain no traces of real meat.

Report: Parade Horse Wearing Scrumptious Little Hat | Mar 06 2020

Today in the parade, a horse had on just the most scrumptious hat you could ever imagine. “Look at that horse! He’s got a little hat on his head! Look at him go!” stated an enthralled onlooker as the majestic horse stunted his little baby hat. “It’s got feathers and sequins and everything!” Sources report that the horse was also wearing itty bitty horse shoes that made a dainty little clippity-clop.

The Horse Should Get The Medal In Equestrian Sports by Thunder Commander The Real Human | Mar 06 2020

Hello friends, it is me, Mr. Thunder Commander. I am a real human man with yellow hair and blue eyes, but that is besides the point. I would like for us, as humans, to consider giving the horse the medal when they do a good job in equestrian sports.

Surgeon Regrets Putting On Hand Lotion Before Going To Work | Dec 06 2019

Dr. Luther P. Ross, a prominent brain surgeon in the area, realized during a procedure this Tuesday that applying Twisted Peppermint scented hand lotion before heading into surgery had been a poor choice. “Does anyone want some of this?” Dr. Ross said to his team of surgeons, offering to wipe his extra lotion on their forearms.

Matthew McConaughey Lincoln Commercials Snubbed Again This Awards Season | Dec 06 2019

After a weak showing at the Oscars, Matthew McConaughey’s Lincoln commercials have officially been shut out this awards season. “I’m shocked the pieces didn’t get the recognition they so deeply deserve,” stated film editor for the New York Times, Clive Masterson, in response to the snub.

Pigeon Doesn’t Need Your Handouts | Oct 25 2019

After an old man disrespectfully tossed crumbs on the ground for some birds, a local pigeon insisted that he doesn’t need your handouts. “I can’t believe this!” the pigeon said, deeply offended by the incident. “I’m not going to eat a stranger’s leftover muffin off the ground.

CareerLab Wants To Know If Student Ever Considered Riding Rails Or Hitting Open Road | Oct 25 2019

During a meeting with a student looking for help with his job search, CareerLab counselor Marjorie Klein began to ask whether he had ever considered riding the rails or hitting the open road. “He came in asking about a career in journalism, but all I could offer was a crude rucksack and a bit of hardtack for his journey west," Klein said.

Study Finds Tattered, Coarsened Sea Captains Most Likely to Monologue About Ocean as “Cruel Mistress” | Oct 25 2019

According to a multi-year survey of weather-beaten wharfs all ’round the high seas, coarsened sea captains’ likelihood of delivering gruff soliloquies about the heartlessness of the ocean is remarkably high. “Typically, one can expect the long-bearded men of the sea to have a negative view of such bodies of water,” explained Dr.