Wednesday, September 23, 2020
Partly Cloudy icon Partly Cloudy, 64°

The Brown Noser

Annie Cimack

Writer

Annie's articles

Only Thing That Could Further Decrease BDH’s Readership Happens | Apr 24 2020

The only thing that could further decrease the BDH’s readership has happened, sources reported. “To be honest, we always thought we were already at the rock bottom number of readers,” said editor-in-chief Sara Plonk ’20, amazed that the paper’s readership could fall below no one picking up any copies.

CDC Guidelines Force Father To Judge Daughter’s Boyfriend By Firmness Of Elbow Tap | Apr 24 2020

In accordance with CDC guidelines, local dad Robert Fisher has been forced to judge his daughter’s new boyfriend by the firmness of his elbow tap. “I have to say, I wasn’t thrilled when my little girl told me she was going around with this Kyle kid from her psychology class,” said Fisher, lamenting the bad timing of the romance.

All Dad’s Hobbies Involve Making Worse Versions Of Items Easily Purchased In Store | Apr 24 2020

All of local dad and self-described “do-it-yourselfer” Lou Nielson’s new hobbies involve making worse versions of items easily found in stores. “I just woke up one day and said, ‘Lou, you have to chase your dreams,’” stated Nielson, proudly sipping one of the watery IPAs he made for far more than he could have paid to get higher quality drinks at a liquor store.

No Graduation? Oh Ho! How The Tables Have Turned, My Sweets! by The Class Of 19.5 | Apr 24 2020

My, my, my! What seems to be the problem? Is the Class of 2020 missing their special graduation? Such a shame! We, the Class of 2019.5, would like to extend our most heartfelt, deepest sympathies to the current graduating class. It must be so hard to not have the entire community there to support you on your special day! Poor dears! When we walked through the Van Wickle gates and became a part of a time-honored tradition, it felt like a pretty special moment, but you guys shouldn’t worry about that.

Dad Blowing Dust Off Record Like He Indiana Jones | Mar 06 2020

Area dad Mark Babson is reportedly taking painstaking care to blow every speck off dust of his 1977 vinyl of Steely Dan’s Aja as if he were Indiana Jones, the intrepid archaeologist of classic 80s movie trilogy. “Man, it’s been forever since I played this,” said Babson as he pulled the album out of its yellowed, paper dust jacket.

Burger King Pretending Impossible Whopper The Only Burger They Sell Without Beef In It | Mar 06 2020

Sources report that fast food chain Burger King is pretending their new plant-based Impossible Whopper is the only burger they sell without beef in it. “Here at Burger King, we’re proud to offer a meatless alternative to our traditional burgers,” said spokesperson Richard Gilhooly, completely ignoring the fact that the other Whoppers on Burger King’s menu contain no traces of real meat.

Report: Parade Horse Wearing Scrumptious Little Hat | Mar 06 2020

Today in the parade, a horse had on just the most scrumptious hat you could ever imagine. “Look at that horse! He’s got a little hat on his head! Look at him go!” stated an enthralled onlooker as the majestic horse stunted his little baby hat. “It’s got feathers and sequins and everything!” Sources report that the horse was also wearing itty bitty horse shoes that made a dainty little clippity-clop.

The Horse Should Get The Medal In Equestrian Sports by Thunder Commander The Real Human | Mar 06 2020

Hello friends, it is me, Mr. Thunder Commander. I am a real human man with yellow hair and blue eyes, but that is besides the point. I would like for us, as humans, to consider giving the horse the medal when they do a good job in equestrian sports.

Surgeon Regrets Putting On Hand Lotion Before Going To Work | Dec 06 2019

Dr. Luther P. Ross, a prominent brain surgeon in the area, realized during a procedure this Tuesday that applying Twisted Peppermint scented hand lotion before heading into surgery had been a poor choice. “Does anyone want some of this?” Dr. Ross said to his team of surgeons, offering to wipe his extra lotion on their forearms.

Matthew McConaughey Lincoln Commercials Snubbed Again This Awards Season | Dec 06 2019

After a weak showing at the Oscars, Matthew McConaughey’s Lincoln commercials have officially been shut out this awards season. “I’m shocked the pieces didn’t get the recognition they so deeply deserve,” stated film editor for the New York Times, Clive Masterson, in response to the snub.

Pigeon Doesn’t Need Your Handouts | Oct 25 2019

After an old man disrespectfully tossed crumbs on the ground for some birds, a local pigeon insisted that he doesn’t need your handouts. “I can’t believe this!” the pigeon said, deeply offended by the incident. “I’m not going to eat a stranger’s leftover muffin off the ground.

CareerLab Wants To Know If Student Ever Considered Riding Rails Or Hitting Open Road | Oct 25 2019

During a meeting with a student looking for help with his job search, CareerLab counselor Marjorie Klein began to ask whether he had ever considered riding the rails or hitting the open road. “He came in asking about a career in journalism, but all I could offer was a crude rucksack and a bit of hardtack for his journey west," Klein said.

Study Finds Tattered, Coarsened Sea Captains Most Likely to Monologue About Ocean as “Cruel Mistress” | Oct 25 2019

According to a multi-year survey of weather-beaten wharfs all ’round the high seas, coarsened sea captains’ likelihood of delivering gruff soliloquies about the heartlessness of the ocean is remarkably high. “Typically, one can expect the long-bearded men of the sea to have a negative view of such bodies of water,” explained Dr.