CDC Begs Local Floozies To Stop Giving Sailors Big Kisses On The Lips

Published Friday, April 24th, 2020
Filed under Science & Technology

“Floozies and sailors are key disease vectors,” explained CDC Director Robert Redfield in a press conference yesterday. “The sailors travel around the world kissing floozies, and the floozies return to their communities bringing the virus with them, as well as passing on any local viruses to the sailors they kiss. It’s a real chicken and egg situation.”

“Well I never! Me? Kissin’ those strappin’ young lads down at the docks?” said Mary-Leigh Bellarose, Newport floozie. “I wouldn’t dream of it!” she continued, a twinkle in her eye. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have an appointment at the old harbor I simply cannot miss!”

“Do you have any idea how hard it is to social distance with these floozies batting their eyelashes and waving their handkerchiefs from their balconies as soon as you dock?” said First Mate Jeck Bently of the USS Cumberland. “Hell, the men had to tie me to this mast just to stop me jumping overboard.”

The CDC predicted their current recommendations will be extended throughout the summer and expanded to include portly gentlemen wearing “Kiss the Cook” aprons.