The Center for Disease Control has issued a statement begging local floozies to stop giving sailors big kisses on the lips.
“Floozies and sailors are key disease vectors,” explained CDC Director Robert Redfield in a press conference yesterday.
Asteroid 52768 (1998 OR2) breathed a sigh of relief this week, having narrowly avoided the planet Earth. The interstellar object expressed relief at avoiding the war-torn, virus-ridden, environmentally unstable planet, and was glad to continue its journey into the dark abyss of space.
President Trump plans to spend Halloween night in his own spooky, decaying mind, the White House has announced.
“President Trump plans to celebrate the upcoming holiday in the most festive way imaginable,” a White House press release stated. “He’ll spend all night alone in the twisting, terrifying corridors of his deteriorating brain, haunted by wailing groans and nightmares beyond comprehension.”
“It is not uncommon for the President to retreat to the depths of his chilling, gnarled subconscious,” the press release continued, noting that Trump would sit alone in the Oval Office on October 31, awaiting the haunting chime of midnight to begin intense and violent contemplation.
This is a message to the government: it is my god-given right to bear arms and nothing can deprive me of that. If you want to take my gun, you’ll have to do it from my cold dead hands, because I’ve just accidentally shot myself. And I’m fading fast.
Attempting to show everyone how hip he is, cool rabbi Zachariah Arditi reports that he’s started to wear his yarmulke backwards. “It’s important for me to reach out to the younger generation and bold fashion statements are a great way to do that,” Rabbi Arditi said, unaware that rotating his yarmulke 180 degrees was a completely imperceptible fashion choice.
Aye, so ye want Flimgog’s coffee for free? Riddle me then, mine Shiru riddles three!
Beginning your quest to quench your dire thirst, attempt, if you’re able, mine riddle the first:
I’m an inbox that’s full
Of mail only for you
And I usually end
Sources report that junior Jimmy Amato was proud to see Brown represented in the movie he watched last night as the alma mater of its most whiny, privileged character. “It was great seeing my school get a shout out on the big screen from the unlikeable, naive, crunchy, privileged journalist character,” said Amato.
Television streaming giant Netflix has announced plans to step up its ‘80s nostalgia campaign by illegally trafficking thousands of arms to Nicaraguan contra fighters.
“We want to take this ‘80s craze one step further after the success of ‘Stranger Things’ and ‘Black Mirror’s’ San Junipero episode,” announced CEO Reed Hastings in a press release yesterday afternoon.
Damn it Tony you knucklehead! What the hell do you think you’re doing? You’ve ruined the gabagool!
You gotta be kidding me. The boss is gonna be so mad. His Nonna walked three miles to the Deli to get that gabagool for cousin Vinny’s birthday! Nice going you greasy-fingered jamook!
Ah geez Tony, don’t try to fix it yourself! Do you have any idea what even goes into a gabagool you schnook? Flour? What are you gonna do with flour? I’m talkin’ here! You goon, you’ve gone and got flour all over the braciole! What have you got muzzadell for brains?
This is the last time Tony.
‘Come on Eileen’ is bringing a local Williams Street party to a flailing, howling, and desperate conclusion, bystanders report.
“You’ve got to end on a classic,” said host Ethan McClure, who mentioned that he had also considered ‘Mr. Brightside,’ ‘Take On Me,’ and ‘Toxic’ as final numbers for his exhausted guests to belt at the top of their voices before stumbling back to their dorms.
Local hunky-monkey Bradly Haverford has made a formal request that Noser staff desist from using headlines to hit on him, the paper has been informed.
“At first it was kind of nice, I guess?” said Haverford huskily, effortlessly brushing a slightly curled lock of sandy-blond hair from the path of his emerald gaze, “but after the sixth or seventh mention it started to get a little creepy.”
Haverford is reported to be 6’2 and when last seen has an incredible chest a butt to match.
Come on guys. It’s not that hard. I’m not going to going to pay attention to your BBA posts if you can’t get basic facts about my height, hair, location, ethnicity, clothes, and name correct.
Adoration can be difficult to express in words. I understand that, truly.