“Today, we are reiterating our recommendation that all Americans avoid gatherings of ten or more outside the household during the COVID-19 pandemic,” the CDC statement read, acknowledging that this guideline has already disrupted the lives of millions. “But we’re not too worried about you. We know you probably couldn’t pull off the kind of hangout we’re talking about even before all this happened.”

The CDC’s statement extended the period of all social distancing guidelines for another six weeks, emphasizing that you’ll be fine because you weren’t gonna go anywhere or see anyone for at least that long anyway.

“Ideally, all gatherings of any size outside the home should be kept to a minimum,” the statement continued, recognizing that this is not feasible in all circumstances. “But this is a cakewalk for you, isn’t it? We bet you couldn’t muster up even two or three buddies to violate this order with you, could you? Didn’t think so.”

The CDC statement concluded by stressing that losers like you are our best line of defense against this pandemic.