Saturday, September 22, 2018
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The Brown Noser

Jacob Lockwood

Writer

Jacob's articles

Area Woman Taking Sick Pleasure In How Busy Her Google Calendar Is | Sep 14 2018

Proudly venting about how many appointments she has on her Google Calendar this week, Haley Zielinski seemed to be drawing some kind of sick satisfaction from her packed schedule, sources said. “Ugh!” Zielinski exclaimed audibly, cracking a satisfied grin while complaining to a friend.

Dalai Lama Considering Spending Next Life Abroad | Sep 14 2018

Citing a desire to “get away from it all for a while,” the Dalai Lama told sources close to him that he has begun thinking seriously about going abroad for his next life. “I’m really happy to be where I am with such a supportive network of monks,” said Tenzin Gyatso, the fourteenth Dalai Lama, “But I’m starting to grow a little bored with my surroundings in this life.

Mediocre Apocalypse Can't Even Make Statue Of Liberty's Head Fall Off | Sep 14 2018

According to the survivors of the apocalypse, the end-of-days has proven to be so mediocre that it’s caused hardly any damage to the Statue of Liberty, sources report. “Call me a purist, but I just thought that when the apocalypse came, it would do some serious damage to the Statue of Liberty," complained Kevin Bonebreaker, the newly self-declared warlord of Brooklyn.

Local Woman Fears The Worst When Unknown Car Uses Her Driveway To Turn Around | Sep 14 2018

Anxiously watching the street from her bedroom window, Andrea Stevenson reportedly began to panic and expect the worst when an unknown vehicle slowed to a stop outside her house last Tuesday night. “Who is that?” she whispered to herself, preemptively unlocking her cell phone just in case she had to quickly dial 911.

Area Man Records Funny Voicemail No One Will Ever Hear | Sep 14 2018

After hours of brainstorming and countless redos, area man Tom Fulton finally recorded the perfect joke voicemail that no other person will ever bother listening to. “So I start by talking as if I answered the phone, like: ‘Hello? It’s Tom, is anyone there?’” Fulton eagerly explained, unaware that no one would ever stay on the line long enough to hear the voicemail he spent his entire Sunday crafting.

Local Man Flosses Annually In Attempt To Disappoint Dentist A Little Less | Sep 14 2018

Desperately scraping away at the plaque that built up between his teeth since his last dentist appointment, area man Miguel Arroyo flossed for the first time in a year this morning in a last-ditch attempt to minimize his dentist’s disappointment in his poor dental hygiene.

Area Man Forced To Jog A Bit When Kind Stranger Holds Door From Too Far Away | Sep 14 2018

Panting a little from the unexpected workout that was imposed on him, Randy Dinapoli had no choice but to pick his pace up to a light jog when a well-meaning stranger held the door into the Ratty for him from just slightly too far away. “She totally caught me off guard,” Dinapoli complained of the stranger kindly holding the door open for him.

Guy Who Just Sneezed Three Times Not Getting Another "Bless You" | Sep 14 2018

As Dev Kapoor’s spontaneous sneezing fit dragged on with no end in sight, irritated classmates reported that they felt he deserved far less sympathy with each passing sneeze. Other students in the same lecture hall as Kapoor concluded that, after two sneezes, he was not going to get another “Bless You.” “A couple people said ‘bless you’ the first time," said classmate Aisha Dupont, doing her best to mask the disdain she increasingly felt toward Kapoor.

Professor Shopping Classes Can't Decide Which Ones To Teach | Sep 14 2018

As shopping period draws to a close, Professor Adlai Woodsworth reports that he is still having trouble choosing which courses to teach. “A lot of classes overlap so it’s hard to make a schedule that works,” Woodsworth said, reviewing the courses in his CAB cart again.

Tour Group Going To Lose Their Goddamn Minds Over This Giant Game Of Tetris Fact | Sep 14 2018

Leading his group of prospective students and their parents toward the SciLi, tour guide Darnell Dowd knew he was about to blow their goddamn minds with the incredible story of the Tetris game that once lit up the entire face of the building. “This Tetris tidbit works like a charm every time,” Dowd said coolly, preparing to drop the bombshell fun fact.

Sophomore Really Getting Off On Giving Advice To Freshmen | Sep 14 2018

As she reclined in her chair and casually spouted tidbits of wisdom for all to hear, sources reported that Sasha Singh ’21 was getting far too much pleasure out of offering guidance to new first years. “She’s enjoying this power imbalance way too much,” complained John Testa ’22, a freshman who asked Singh where the VDub was.

ADOCH Host Gives Visiting Student Authentic Taste of Campus Life By Sexiling Him | Apr 20 2018

While hundreds of admitted students explored campus through ADOCH events this month, one prospective student experienced an authentic glimpse of life at Brown when his ADOCH host sexiled him for the night. “I was on my way back from a concert when my host texted me and asked me to stay clear of the room,” recalled Michael Dimeno, an admitted student who was asked to leave with little explanation on his first night at Brown.

BDH Poll Finds 90 Percent Of Students Don't Want To Be Bothered With Surveys | Apr 20 2018

According to the Brown Daily Herald’s Spring 2018 Poll, the vast majority of undergraduate students don’t want to fill out their survey. “Within a 3 percent margin of error, we found that 9 in 10 students we approached refused to take the poll,” reported poll coordinator Brianne Davis ’19.

New Republican Spending Bill Proposes to Eliminate the Poor | Mar 09 2018

Facing increased pressure to address the federal government’s rapidly rising budget deficit, Congressional Republicans have announced a plan to drastically cut spending by getting rid of all poor people. “With this plan, we are doing away with everyone whose income falls below the poverty line,” Speaker of the House Paul Ryan said enthusiastically.

Student Reading Entire Satirical Article Must Have Some Serious Time To Kill | Dec 01 2017

Upon receiving the latest issue of the Brown Noser, student Cassidy Martinez shocked everyone nearby by actually proceeding to read one of the articles in its entirety. “We all took one to be polite and laughed at a few headlines," said Martinez’s friend, Jackie Walter, "No one has the time to give it much more attention than that.

A Capella Member At Back Totally Strumming Ukulele | Dec 01 2017

After hearing the obvious sound of chords being strummed, students listening to a cappella group the Varsity Arrangements reported that someone in the group had to be playing the ukulele the whole time. “You couldn’t really see for sure because they were all crowded together the way they do,” said Cindy Nguyen, noting that she never actually managed to catch a glimpse of the ukulele.

Freshman Stealing Bananas From Dining Hall Thinks He’s Some Kind Of Master Thief | Dec 01 2017

Peeking over both shoulders to check for witnesses as he hastily shoved four bananas into his backpack, Ben Hastings ’21 fled from the Ratty in a rush on Tuesday feeling as though he’d beaten the Dining Services system yet again. “Another successful heist,” Hastings proudly thought to himself as he nonchalantly speed-walked past a BUDS employee on break who saw the whole thing go down.

Newly Declassified JFK Assassination Documents Reveal Driving President Around In Open-Top Car Is Stupid Idea | Dec 01 2017

After their release last month, newly declassified files on former president John F. Kennedy’s 1963 assassination reveal that driving the President in an open-top car is a stupid idea. The papers summarize an internal FBI investigation that came to this conclusion.

Flickering Streetlight Waits Patiently For Cold Embrace Of Death | Nov 03 2017

Quietly dimming in a slow but relatively painless decline, the streetlight near the Rock-Tree on the main green began to flicker in anticipation of the inevitable end it has long been marching toward. “I’ve done everything I set out to do on this earth," the old lamp thought to itself reassuringly, struggling to remain conscious between fading flashes of its dim glow, "I lit up the sidewalk at night, I attracted bugs.

Angry Commuter Derides Potholes And Roadwork In Same Trip | Nov 03 2017

Jolting the steering wheel aggressively, impatient driver Rob Buckley loudly protested both the poor condition of the roads and the workers fixing the roads during his morning commute on Tuesday. “I’m gonna blow out a tire on this damn road!” Buckley shouted in a sudden burst of anger, adding that he wouldn’t hesitate to sue the Rhode Island Department of Transportation for any damage to his heavily used 2003 Subaru Outback.