Stressing a critical need for students to give back more to the Rhode Island community in these trying times, the Swearer Center for Public Service emphasized the importance of volunteering for local militia organizations.
“With everything going on, there’s no better time for students to devote time to community service — particularly military service,” said Interim Swearer Center Director Betsy Shimberg, adding that many local militia forces will even provide students with the arms and munitions they need to serve.
In their final push to get out the vote, the Brown Democrats have spent their last few days before the 2020 election knocking doors in key battleground dorms.
“With so little time left before the most important election of our lives, we’re trying to devote our attention where it’s needed most,” said Brown Dems President Dana Li Ten while working to win over swing voters on the Main Green.
In an email sent to the Brown community Friday morning, Executive Vice President for Planning and Policy Russell Carey announced a new COVID-19 safety rule limiting group Halloween costumes to five or fewer people.
“To prevent COVID-19 outbreaks stemming from Halloween parties this year, all group costumes can have no more than five members,” Carey wrote, noting that no exceptions can be made for larger group costumes that have been in the works for a long time.
Frowning and shaking her head with concern as she passed by Dean Rashid Zia, President Christina Paxson gently reminded the Dean of the College that his Batman mask wasn’t protecting anyone from COVID.
“Now, Rashid, we talked about this,” Paxson whispered, pulling Zia aside to delicately chide him for his mistake.
While preparing to strike the final blow in the battle for the soul of the nation, Joe Biden’s mortal frame has reportedly begun emanating blinding rays of light in every direction.
“The nation’s soul is on the ballot,” the Democratic presidential candidate bellowed as pure energy and strong gusts of wind encircled his entire body, lifting him into the air.
In a last-ditch attempt to suppress the mail vote and help their father win reelection, Donald Trump Jr. and Eric Trump have reportedly spent days quietly putting mailbox flags down around several Philadelphia suburbs.
“Get that one! Go! Go! Go!” Don Jr.
According to a groundbreaking new study of the U.S. voting age population, voter turnout would be nearly universal in every election if “I Voted” stickers were sparkly.
“Our results indicate conclusively that the path to increasing voter turnout lies in improving the quality of the stickers provided to voters,” said lead researcher Harlan Bucknell-Dupree.
With just days left until the 2020 election, Florida’s leaders are reportedly scrambling to figure out how they’ll fuck up the election this time.
“Fuck, what are we gonna do?!” said Florida Election Commissioner Glen Bulbis, anxiously clutching his head in his hands while struggling to keep from hyperventilating.
With several of its members selflessly getting infected with COVID-19, the Trump administration has been hard at work helping to push the country toward herd immunity, according to a White House press release.
“With every passing day, we in the White House are bringing America another step closer to the herd immunity we so badly need — one staffer at a time,” the statement read, commending West Wing staff and presidential advisors for taking on the thankless task of having coronavirus.
After briefly skimming a New York Times article on the subject last week, area man Nick Demings just thinks that the science isn’t really there on COVID-19 spreading through contact with surfaces.
“My sense is the recent studies have found that people aren’t really getting coronavirus just from touching things,” Demings announced, vaguely recalling information he picked up from the first few sentences of a news article published last Tuesday.
According to a joint press statement released Tuesday, the governors of several southern states are actively working to get the coronavirus curve to do a loop-de-loop.
“The COVID curve reached its peak in our states a few weeks ago, and it has since begun to fall back down,” read the statement, which was signed by governors from a number of states still struggling to contain the pandemic, including Texas, Florida, and Georgia.
In a violent act of revenge against the University for revoking their varsity status, the women’s equestrian team unleashed hordes of mounted warriors wielding crossbows and spears across campus.
“For our honor!” the heavily armed riders shouted in a vociferous battle cry, rearing their armor-clad horses to trample a crowd of screaming students while shooting flaming arrows through the windows of University Hall.
Tipping the brim of her hat down to block her eyes, a dirt-smeared President Christina Paxson grasped the stock of her pistol in its holster as a dry gust of wind blew a tumbleweed across the barren Main Green.
“Who’s there?” she called into the whistling breeze, straining to see through the haze of dust hanging in the air as she trudged across the desolate landscape.
Glancing at another harrowing New York Times notification while digging a shallow grave for his latest victim, masked serial killer Joseph Byrne breathed a sigh of relief that he’s already taking the necessary precautions to protect himself against COVID-19.
In a statement released Tuesday, the CDC reiterated their guidance advising against all gatherings over ten people, but noted that this probably won’t be an issue for you because you’re not cool enough to have a get together with that many people anyway.
In a White House press conference Tuesday, CDC director Robert Redfield emphasized that despite the past month of extensive social distancing measures, the curve is still curvy.
“We’re seeing some progress, but it’s important to note that the curve still curves the way we don’t want it to curve,” Redfield said in the nationally televised briefing, stressing that all Americans should be prepared for the curve to stay curvy in the weeks to come.
In his daily press conference Tuesday, President Trump assured a worried nation that no matter how severe the COVID-19 pandemic gets, he’ll be fine.
“I know everybody’s very worried about the coronavirus,” Trump said, striking a comforting tone to address the fears of the millions of Americans tuning in.
Bracing for surges of COVID-19 cases across the country, the health industry has reportedly scrambled to increase the supply of hospital bills in recent weeks.
“We’re going to be facing a national shortage of hospital bills pretty soon,” warned Bruce Plank, CEO of the American Health Insurance Association.
In a statement released Tuesday, citizens of the United States asked pugs if they can do anything, and if so, what? “Is there anything at all that you can do?” the amassed nation collectively wondered aloud while staring at the country’s population of pugs, who were all simultaneously panting with their tongues out.
In a statement released soon after you woke up, Dad reported that it’s nice of you to finally come upstairs.
“Oh, there’s the early bird,” he commented, noting that it’s already the early afternoon. “Good morning, sunshine. Nice to see you in the daylight for once.”
Dad went on to report that it’d do you some good to get out of that cave of yours more often.
In a community email this morning scaling back plans to resume in-person learning in the fall, President Christina Paxson repeatedly stressed the fact that the Healthy Fall 2020 Task Force never said no takebacks in its reopening plan.
"I'm truly sorry to be writing this letter," Paxson wrote, announcing the difficult decision to switch to a phased reopening.
In an editors’ note in their latest issue, the Brown Political Review expressed pride at providing Brown’s only source of political commentary funded by the conservative megadonor Charles Koch.
“The founders of BPR identified a clear lack of political writing at Brown paid for by billionaire oil tycoons hellbent on pouring their wealth into reshaping American politics to reflect their extreme worldview,” wrote Edgar Flinkton ‘20, editor-in-chief of BPR.
In an effort to reach out to students where they are, Dean of the College Rashid Zia ’01 reportedly asked to sit with a group of students drinking at the Graduate Center Bar on Tuesday night.
“Got room for one more here?” Zia asked, scooching a chair up to the table of juniors getting trashed on a pitcher of Narragansett.
Desperately flipping through the Brown Noser copy he just picked up at Faunce Arch, Provost Richard Locke grew discouraged as he scoured the pages of the Noser for an article about him.
“Of course, there’s the usual Rashid Zia article,” Locke complained, slumping further back in his chair as he neared the end of the latest issue.
Eagerly scanning his inbox, a hopeful Andrew Yang ‘96 checked his email once again to see if he’d received an invitation yet to deliver a guest lecture at Brown.
“Oh boy, maybe I’ll finally get one today,” the former Democratic presidential hopeful said, briefly peeking into his spam folder to see if his Gmail was filtering out important messages from the Brown Lecture Board.
Blasting out another layer of rock, construction workers at the future site of the Performing Arts Center announced they won’t stop digging until they unearth the subterranean society of mole people that must reside below campus.
“The multi-level design of the new Performing Arts Center has allowed us to dig deeper into the ground than any construction team at Brown ever has before,” said construction site director Bill Flob.
In a nationwide survey, the Boston accent was voted the sexiest accent in eastern Massachusetts.
“The accent of Boston natives is seen as the sexiest accent by far in the area of Massachusetts that primarily includes Boston,” said Rachel Stockton, who led the survey.
While working late into the night to finish a CS33 project recently, I encountered a philosophical dilemma that Computer Science students are constantly grappling with: If I pull an all-nighter but no one is around to hear me complain about it, did I really pull an all-nighter at all?
You might think the answer to this question is obviously yes.
After eating the little chocolate square designated for December 6th, area man Harold Tobin began eyeing up the piece of advent calendar chocolate set aside for tomorrow.
“I guess I could just eat another one now,” Tobin said, hesitating over the cardboard flap concealing the December 7th chocolate.
Carting his Steinway & Sons piano up the aisle of the economy class cabin, sources reported that famed singer-songwriter Billy Joel booked an extra seat on his Southwest flight for his baby grand. “It costs double, but it’s the only way I can safely take it on tour,” Joel said, carefully buckling the piano into the window seat.
In an attempt to cut down on the need for late-night workers, the popular Jo’s eatery has reportedly scaled back its operations to just Jo himself.
“We’ve maintained all the meal options students know and love at Jo’s,” said Director of Dining Services John Barber, emphasizing that salads, burgers, and quesadillas aren’t going anywhere.
Confidently donning his neon yellow vest, local safewalker Sam Rodriguez reported that no one can resist a man in uniform.
“Now there’s a sharp-dressing gentleman,” Rodriguez said, casually flexing under the bright tarp he wore over his clothes to stand out in the dark.
According to an announcement from Director of Dining Services John Barber, the Ratty will replace all its compost bins with a dad who’ll finish whatever you don’t want to eat.
“Instead of disposing of food waste in compost bins, we’re transitioning to a fully dad-based system,” Barber said, explaining how the dad would be conveniently positioned where the four compost bins once stood.
Picking up a stone while walking along the shoreline, beachgoer Mandy Norton was immediately transfixed by the smooth rock she had found. “I just can’t believe how round and flawless this rock is,” Norton marveled while staring intently at the pebble she picked out of the sand.
Calling back home to ask whether the gallon of 2% he bought earlier in the week was gone yet, local dad Joe Graham was clearly just itching to go buy some milk. “There’s still a little bit left in there? Can you go smell it to check if we could use some more?” Graham asked his daughter over the phone while waiting patiently in Walmart’s dairy aisle for a reason to pick up some milk.
In a landmark decision on the legality of drawing legislative districts to favor one political party, the Supreme Court ruled that gerrymandering has a silly name.
“It is the opinion of the Court that whoever came up with the name ‘gerrymandering’ must have been a really goofy guy,” Chief Justice John Roberts wrote for the majority, delivering a ruling poised to alter the political landscape for a generation.
Eagerly awaiting the grand opening of Thayer Street’s newest banking location, dozens of students lined up around the block early in the morning to be among the first to make transactions with Chase Bank.
“I’ve been so excited for this day ever since I heard Chase Bank was coming to Thayer,” said Alicia Yang ’21, who reportedly woke up at 5:00 A.M.
Saying that it really needed this chance to let loose, the University reportedly demolished the historic Gardner House just to blow off some steam. “Ahhh, now that feels a lot better,” the University announced in a press release after tearing down the early-19th century house on the National Register of Historic Places.
Starting his introductory microeconomics course off with a demonstration of monopoly power, Professor of Economics Adlai Woodsworth taught his students their first lesson of the semester by jacking up the price of the mandatory textbook he wrote for the course.
To prepare for an upcoming educational skit about how variables work in Java, devoted CS15 TA Cameron Behr has reportedly committed himself to staying in character as “Local Variable 2” for several days leading up to the performance.
“Cam has taken rehearsing for this skit way too seriously,” said Emily Toolan, another TA for the introductory computer science course playing the part of “Parameter 1” in a scene with Behr.
Mixing up two different appointments in his busy schedule, scatterbrained Meiklejohn peer adviser Michael Hall ’22 reportedly confused a meeting with a freshman advisee for a date with a Tinder match.
“When he started out by asking what I do for fun I figured he was just being friendly and getting to know me,” said Anika Mishra ’23, Hall’s first-year advisee.
Putting an end to hours of brutal competition between warring factions of freshmen, the Unit Wars were finally halted by the recent signing of the Unit Peace Accords.
“The University will long remember the armistice we’ve established here today,” said Maya Alcala ’21, an RPL in EmWool who presided over the ceasefire negotiations that ended the watermelon eating contests and three-legged races that had shaken the freshman class to its core.
Waiting patiently in the hallway before her irst and last visit to office hours, junior Michelle Simpson hoped her professor would get to know her well enough during this brief meeting to write her a strong recommendation letter.
“Hopefully this will do the trick,” Simspon said, quietly preparing how she would introduce herself and her career goals.
Eagerly typing out another section of his upcoming Economics textbook, Professor Adlai Woodsworth decided to toss in an exclamation point to let readers know just how exciting Key Concept 4.2 is.
“This is an incredibly intriguing point,” Woodsworth said, enthusiastically rereading the brief section summary he had written in a special textbox.
The smokestack on Simmons Quad is spewing especially billowy smoke clouds today, sources reported. “Wow, that vapor is way puffier than usual right now,” sources said while walking past the metal tube pumping mysterious fumes from deep underground into the air. "Ah, the wind is blowing it over here. It’s okay to breathe this, right? I hope the environment is okay.” At press time, the source of the subterranean fumes wafting into the sky remained unknown.
Calling it a groundbreaking development in lifelike CGI, movie critics have lauded the newest rendition of "The Lion King" for its realistic animation of Simba viciously devouring his friends Timon and Pumbaa.
"The movie's crowning achievement was the scene where Simba tore apart Pumbaa's bloody carcass after gnawing at Timon like a drumstick," said film critic Gene Schrader, recalling the immersive experience of watching the doomed meerkat and warthog desperately run for their lives after offering Simba some grubs to eat.
In a press conference held last Tuesday to declare another nationwide recall of romaine lettuce, FDA Commissioner Scott Gottlieb announced that inspectors for the Food and Drug Administration have been shitting in batches of romaine lettuce for months.
A new report revealed that Laura Douglas, an outspoken opponent of vaccinations, is actually three flu viruses in a trench coat disguised as a person.
“Vaccinations can only cause harm,” said Douglas, who is in fact a trio of flu viruses trying to convince concerned parents that they are an adult woman.
A new archaeological artifact on display in the Rockefeller Library is just the rotting corpse of John D. Rockefeller, sources report.
“Rockefeller donated a lot to this library,” said curator Mark Schaeffer, admiring the exhibit. “As part of his enduring commitment to our University, he graciously provided his own body at the end of his life.”
Students passing by the elevators on the main floor of the Rock will get to see the library’s namesake gradually decaying in a glass case, Schaeffer said.
Deciding that it was time to focus on her distractions from work, Samantha Gutierrez reportedly went to the Rock to feel more productive while browsing Facebook. “My time is definitely best spent here,” Gutierrez said, taking a break from the Tasty videos she’d been watching to play a round of Words with Friends.
Putting the limits of his procrastination to the ultimate test, Professor Adlai Woodsworth pushed off writing the final exam for his class until the last night before the test date.
“Shit,” Woodsworth said while staring at an empty Word document at 11:30pm, trying to write an exam scheduled for 9am the following morning.
In a push to keep class sizes small, the Literary Arts department announced it would cap its introductory fiction class for the Spring semester at zero students.
“In years past, we’ve found that some students’ voices can get buried even in classes with as few as 17 spots,” said Jasmine Zabrowski, head of the Literary Arts department.
In an effort to better meet the needs of Brown’s growing student body, the Corporation announced a bold new plan to put up some more big white tents around campus.
“For years now, we’ve been expanding Brown’s campus through extensive construction and renovation projects,” said Mitch Giatti, vice president for campus planning.
Passing by local man Albert Livingston while he quietly played chess at a picnic table in the park, parkgoer Marcia Esposito came to the conclusion that Livingston must have decades of wisdom to share with the world. “Look at him, what a wise old man he must be,” whispered Esposito, awestruck by Livingston’s thoughtful dedication to his solitary game of chess.
Proudly venting about how many appointments she has on her Google Calendar this week, Haley Zielinski seemed to be drawing some kind of sick satisfaction from her packed schedule, sources said.
“Ugh!” Zielinski exclaimed audibly, cracking a satisfied grin while complaining to a friend.
Citing a desire to “get away from it all for a while,” the Dalai Lama told sources close to him that he has begun thinking seriously about going abroad for his next life.
“I’m really happy to be where I am with such a supportive network of monks,” said Tenzin Gyatso, the fourteenth Dalai Lama, “But I’m starting to grow a little bored with my surroundings in this life.
According to the survivors of the apocalypse, the end-of-days has proven to be so mediocre that it’s caused hardly any damage to the Statue of Liberty, sources report.
“Call me a purist, but I just thought that when the apocalypse came, it would do some serious damage to the Statue of Liberty," complained Kevin Bonebreaker, the newly self-declared warlord of Brooklyn.
Anxiously watching the street from her bedroom window, Andrea Stevenson reportedly began to panic and expect the worst when an unknown vehicle slowed to a stop outside her house last Tuesday night.
“Who is that?” she whispered to herself, preemptively unlocking her cell phone just in case she had to quickly dial 911.
After hours of brainstorming and countless redos, area man Tom Fulton finally recorded the perfect joke voicemail that no other person will ever bother listening to.
“So I start by talking as if I answered the phone, like: ‘Hello? It’s Tom, is anyone there?’” Fulton eagerly explained, unaware that no one would ever stay on the line long enough to hear the voicemail he spent his entire Sunday crafting.
Desperately scraping away at the plaque that built up between his teeth since his last dentist appointment, area man Miguel Arroyo flossed for the first time in a year this morning in a last-ditch attempt to minimize his dentist’s disappointment in his poor dental hygiene.
Panting a little from the unexpected workout that was imposed on him, Randy Dinapoli had no choice but to pick his pace up to a light jog when a well-meaning stranger held the door into the Ratty for him from just slightly too far away. “She totally caught me off guard,” Dinapoli complained of the stranger kindly holding the door open for him.
As Dev Kapoor’s spontaneous sneezing fit dragged on with no end in sight, irritated classmates reported that they felt he deserved far less sympathy with each passing sneeze. Other students in the same lecture hall as Kapoor concluded that, after two sneezes, he was not going to get another “Bless You.”
“A couple people said ‘bless you’ the first time," said classmate Aisha Dupont, doing her best to mask the disdain she increasingly felt toward Kapoor.
As shopping period draws to a close, Professor Adlai Woodsworth reports that he is still having trouble choosing which courses to teach.
“A lot of classes overlap so it’s hard to make a schedule that works,” Woodsworth said, reviewing the courses in his CAB cart again.
Leading his group of prospective students and their parents toward the SciLi, tour guide Darnell Dowd knew he was about to blow their goddamn minds with the incredible story of the Tetris game that once lit up the entire face of the building. “This Tetris tidbit works like a charm every time,” Dowd said coolly, preparing to drop the bombshell fun fact.
As she reclined in her chair and casually spouted tidbits of wisdom for all to hear, sources reported that Sasha Singh ’21 was getting far too much pleasure out of offering guidance to new first years.
“She’s enjoying this power imbalance way too much,” complained John Testa ’22, a freshman who asked Singh where the VDub was.
While hundreds of admitted students explored campus through ADOCH events this month, one prospective student experienced an authentic glimpse of life at Brown when his ADOCH host sexiled him for the night.
“I was on my way back from a concert when my host texted me and asked me to stay clear of the room,” recalled Michael Dimeno, an admitted student who was asked to leave with little explanation on his first night at Brown.
According to the Brown Daily Herald’s Spring 2018 Poll, the vast majority of undergraduate students don’t want to fill out their survey. “Within a 3 percent margin of error, we found that 9 in 10 students we approached refused to take the poll,” reported poll coordinator Brianne Davis ’19.
Facing increased pressure to address the federal government’s rapidly rising budget deficit, Congressional Republicans have announced a plan to drastically cut spending by getting rid of all poor people.
“With this plan, we are doing away with everyone whose income falls below the poverty line,” Speaker of the House Paul Ryan said enthusiastically.
Upon receiving the latest issue of the Brown Noser, student Cassidy Martinez shocked everyone nearby by actually proceeding to read one of the articles in its entirety.
“We all took one to be polite and laughed at a few headlines," said Martinez’s friend, Jackie Walter, "No one has the time to give it much more attention than that.
After hearing the obvious sound of chords being strummed, students listening to a cappella group the Varsity Arrangements reported that someone in the group had to be playing the ukulele the whole time.
“You couldn’t really see for sure because they were all crowded together the way they do,” said Cindy Nguyen, noting that she never actually managed to catch a glimpse of the ukulele.
Peeking over both shoulders to check for witnesses as he hastily shoved four bananas into his backpack, Ben Hastings ’21 fled from the Ratty in a rush on Tuesday feeling as though he’d beaten the Dining Services system yet again.
“Another successful heist,” Hastings proudly thought to himself as he nonchalantly speed-walked past a BUDS employee on break who saw the whole thing go down.
After their release last month, newly declassified files on former president John F. Kennedy’s 1963 assassination reveal that driving the President in an open-top car is a stupid idea. The papers summarize an internal FBI investigation that came to this conclusion.
Quietly dimming in a slow but relatively painless decline, the streetlight near the Rock-Tree on the main green began to flicker in anticipation of the inevitable end it has long been marching toward.
“I’ve done everything I set out to do on this earth," the old lamp thought to itself reassuringly, struggling to remain conscious between fading flashes of its dim glow, "I lit up the sidewalk at night, I attracted bugs.
Jolting the steering wheel aggressively, impatient driver Rob Buckley loudly protested both the poor condition of the roads and the workers fixing the roads during his morning commute on Tuesday.
“I’m gonna blow out a tire on this damn road!” Buckley shouted in a sudden burst of anger, adding that he wouldn’t hesitate to sue the Rhode Island Department of Transportation for any damage to his heavily used 2003 Subaru Outback.