In a press conference held last Tuesday to declare another nationwide recall of romaine lettuce, FDA Commissioner Scott Gottlieb announced that inspectors for the Food and Drug Administration have been shitting in batches of romaine lettuce for months.
A new report revealed that Laura Douglas, an outspoken opponent of vaccinations, is actually three flu viruses in a trench coat disguised as a person.
“Vaccinations can only cause harm,” said Douglas, who is in fact a trio of flu viruses trying to convince concerned parents that they are an adult woman.
A new archaeological artifact on display in the Rockefeller Library is just the rotting corpse of John D. Rockefeller, sources report.
“Rockefeller donated a lot to this library,” said curator Mark Schaeffer, admiring the exhibit. “As part of his enduring commitment to our University, he graciously provided his own body at the end of his life.”
Students passing by the elevators on the main floor of the Rock will get to see the library’s namesake gradually decaying in a glass case, Schaeffer said.
Deciding that it was time to focus on her distractions from work, Samantha Gutierrez reportedly went to the Rock to feel more productive while browsing Facebook. “My time is definitely best spent here,” Gutierrez said, taking a break from the Tasty videos she’d been watching to play a round of Words with Friends.
Putting the limits of his procrastination to the ultimate test, Professor Adlai Woodsworth pushed off writing the final exam for his class until the last night before the test date.
“Shit,” Woodsworth said while staring at an empty Word document at 11:30pm, trying to write an exam scheduled for 9am the following morning.
In a push to keep class sizes small, the Literary Arts department announced it would cap its introductory fiction class for the Spring semester at zero students.
“In years past, we’ve found that some students’ voices can get buried even in classes with as few as 17 spots,” said Jasmine Zabrowski, head of the Literary Arts department.
In an effort to better meet the needs of Brown’s growing student body, the Corporation announced a bold new plan to put up some more big white tents around campus.
“For years now, we’ve been expanding Brown’s campus through extensive construction and renovation projects,” said Mitch Giatti, vice president for campus planning.
Passing by local man Albert Livingston while he quietly played chess at a picnic table in the park, parkgoer Marcia Esposito came to the conclusion that Livingston must have decades of wisdom to share with the world. “Look at him, what a wise old man he must be,” whispered Esposito, awestruck by Livingston’s thoughtful dedication to his solitary game of chess.
Proudly venting about how many appointments she has on her Google Calendar this week, Haley Zielinski seemed to be drawing some kind of sick satisfaction from her packed schedule, sources said.
“Ugh!” Zielinski exclaimed audibly, cracking a satisfied grin while complaining to a friend.
Citing a desire to “get away from it all for a while,” the Dalai Lama told sources close to him that he has begun thinking seriously about going abroad for his next life.
“I’m really happy to be where I am with such a supportive network of monks,” said Tenzin Gyatso, the fourteenth Dalai Lama, “But I’m starting to grow a little bored with my surroundings in this life.
According to the survivors of the apocalypse, the end-of-days has proven to be so mediocre that it’s caused hardly any damage to the Statue of Liberty, sources report.
“Call me a purist, but I just thought that when the apocalypse came, it would do some serious damage to the Statue of Liberty," complained Kevin Bonebreaker, the newly self-declared warlord of Brooklyn.
Anxiously watching the street from her bedroom window, Andrea Stevenson reportedly began to panic and expect the worst when an unknown vehicle slowed to a stop outside her house last Tuesday night.
“Who is that?” she whispered to herself, preemptively unlocking her cell phone just in case she had to quickly dial 911.
After hours of brainstorming and countless redos, area man Tom Fulton finally recorded the perfect joke voicemail that no other person will ever bother listening to.
“So I start by talking as if I answered the phone, like: ‘Hello? It’s Tom, is anyone there?’” Fulton eagerly explained, unaware that no one would ever stay on the line long enough to hear the voicemail he spent his entire Sunday crafting.
Desperately scraping away at the plaque that built up between his teeth since his last dentist appointment, area man Miguel Arroyo flossed for the first time in a year this morning in a last-ditch attempt to minimize his dentist’s disappointment in his poor dental hygiene.
Panting a little from the unexpected workout that was imposed on him, Randy Dinapoli had no choice but to pick his pace up to a light jog when a well-meaning stranger held the door into the Ratty for him from just slightly too far away. “She totally caught me off guard,” Dinapoli complained of the stranger kindly holding the door open for him.
As Dev Kapoor’s spontaneous sneezing fit dragged on with no end in sight, irritated classmates reported that they felt he deserved far less sympathy with each passing sneeze. Other students in the same lecture hall as Kapoor concluded that, after two sneezes, he was not going to get another “Bless You.”
“A couple people said ‘bless you’ the first time," said classmate Aisha Dupont, doing her best to mask the disdain she increasingly felt toward Kapoor.
As shopping period draws to a close, Professor Adlai Woodsworth reports that he is still having trouble choosing which courses to teach.
“A lot of classes overlap so it’s hard to make a schedule that works,” Woodsworth said, reviewing the courses in his CAB cart again.
Leading his group of prospective students and their parents toward the SciLi, tour guide Darnell Dowd knew he was about to blow their goddamn minds with the incredible story of the Tetris game that once lit up the entire face of the building. “This Tetris tidbit works like a charm every time,” Dowd said coolly, preparing to drop the bombshell fun fact.
As she reclined in her chair and casually spouted tidbits of wisdom for all to hear, sources reported that Sasha Singh ’21 was getting far too much pleasure out of offering guidance to new first years.
“She’s enjoying this power imbalance way too much,” complained John Testa ’22, a freshman who asked Singh where the VDub was.
While hundreds of admitted students explored campus through ADOCH events this month, one prospective student experienced an authentic glimpse of life at Brown when his ADOCH host sexiled him for the night.
“I was on my way back from a concert when my host texted me and asked me to stay clear of the room,” recalled Michael Dimeno, an admitted student who was asked to leave with little explanation on his first night at Brown.
According to the Brown Daily Herald’s Spring 2018 Poll, the vast majority of undergraduate students don’t want to fill out their survey. “Within a 3 percent margin of error, we found that 9 in 10 students we approached refused to take the poll,” reported poll coordinator Brianne Davis ’19.
Facing increased pressure to address the federal government’s rapidly rising budget deficit, Congressional Republicans have announced a plan to drastically cut spending by getting rid of all poor people.
“With this plan, we are doing away with everyone whose income falls below the poverty line,” Speaker of the House Paul Ryan said enthusiastically.
Upon receiving the latest issue of the Brown Noser, student Cassidy Martinez shocked everyone nearby by actually proceeding to read one of the articles in its entirety.
“We all took one to be polite and laughed at a few headlines," said Martinez’s friend, Jackie Walter, "No one has the time to give it much more attention than that.
After hearing the obvious sound of chords being strummed, students listening to a cappella group the Varsity Arrangements reported that someone in the group had to be playing the ukulele the whole time.
“You couldn’t really see for sure because they were all crowded together the way they do,” said Cindy Nguyen, noting that she never actually managed to catch a glimpse of the ukulele.
Peeking over both shoulders to check for witnesses as he hastily shoved four bananas into his backpack, Ben Hastings ’21 fled from the Ratty in a rush on Tuesday feeling as though he’d beaten the Dining Services system yet again.
“Another successful heist,” Hastings proudly thought to himself as he nonchalantly speed-walked past a BUDS employee on break who saw the whole thing go down.
After their release last month, newly declassified files on former president John F. Kennedy’s 1963 assassination reveal that driving the President in an open-top car is a stupid idea. The papers summarize an internal FBI investigation that came to this conclusion.
Quietly dimming in a slow but relatively painless decline, the streetlight near the Rock-Tree on the main green began to flicker in anticipation of the inevitable end it has long been marching toward.
“I’ve done everything I set out to do on this earth," the old lamp thought to itself reassuringly, struggling to remain conscious between fading flashes of its dim glow, "I lit up the sidewalk at night, I attracted bugs.
Jolting the steering wheel aggressively, impatient driver Rob Buckley loudly protested both the poor condition of the roads and the workers fixing the roads during his morning commute on Tuesday.
“I’m gonna blow out a tire on this damn road!” Buckley shouted in a sudden burst of anger, adding that he wouldn’t hesitate to sue the Rhode Island Department of Transportation for any damage to his heavily used 2003 Subaru Outback.