Tuesday, September 17, 2019
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The Brown Noser

Jacob Lockwood


Jacob's articles

Beachgoer Completely Transfixed By Smooth Rock | Sep 13 2019

Picking up a stone while walking along the shoreline, beachgoer Mandy Norton was immediately transfixed by the smooth rock she had found. “I just can’t believe how round and flawless this rock is,” Norton marveled while staring intently at the pebble she picked out of the sand.

Dad Just Itching To Go Buy Milk | Sep 13 2019

Calling back home to ask whether the gallon of 2% he bought earlier in the week was gone yet, local dad Joe Graham was clearly just itching to go buy some milk. “There’s still a little bit left in there? Can you go smell it to check if we could use some more?” Graham asked his daughter over the phone while waiting patiently in Walmart’s dairy aisle for a reason to pick up some milk.

Gerrymandering Has Silly Name, Supreme Court Rules | Sep 13 2019

In a landmark decision on the legality of drawing legislative districts to favor one political party, the Supreme Court ruled that gerrymandering has a silly name. “It is the opinion of the Court that whoever came up with the name ‘gerrymandering’ must have been a really goofy guy,” Chief Justice John Roberts wrote for the majority, delivering a ruling poised to alter the political landscape for a generation.

Eager Students Line Up Around Block For Grand Opening Of Chase Bank | Sep 13 2019

Eagerly awaiting the grand opening of Thayer Street’s newest banking location, dozens of students lined up around the block early in the morning to be among the first to make transactions with Chase Bank. “I’ve been so excited for this day ever since I heard Chase Bank was coming to Thayer,” said Alicia Yang ’21, who reportedly woke up at 5:00 A.M.

University Demolishes Historic Building Just To Let Off Some Steam | Sep 13 2019

Saying that it really needed this chance to let loose, the University reportedly demolished the historic Gardner House just to blow off some steam. “Ahhh, now that feels a lot better,” the University announced in a press release after tearing down the early-19th century house on the National Register of Historic Places.

Econ Professor Teaches First Lesson Of Semester By Jacking Up Price Of Textbook He Wrote | Sep 13 2019

Starting his introductory microeconomics course off with a demonstration of monopoly power, Professor of Economics Adlai Woodsworth taught his students their first lesson of the semester by jacking up the price of the mandatory textbook he wrote for the course.

Devoted CS15 TA Stays In Character As "Local Variable 2" For Days Before Skit | Sep 13 2019

To prepare for an upcoming educational skit about how variables work in Java, devoted CS15 TA Cameron Behr has reportedly committed himself to staying in character as “Local Variable 2” for several days leading up to the performance. “Cam has taken rehearsing for this skit way too seriously,” said Emily Toolan, another TA for the introductory computer science course playing the part of “Parameter 1” in a scene with Behr.

Scatterbrained Meiklejohn Confuses Advisee Meeting For Tinder Date | Sep 13 2019

Mixing up two different appointments in his busy schedule, scatterbrained Meiklejohn peer adviser Michael Hall ’22 reportedly confused a meeting with a freshman advisee for a date with a Tinder match. “When he started out by asking what I do for fun I figured he was just being friendly and getting to know me,” said Anika Mishra ’23, Hall’s first-year advisee.

Unit Wars Finally Halted By Unit Peace Accords | Sep 13 2019

Putting an end to hours of brutal competition between warring factions of freshmen, the Unit Wars were finally halted by the recent signing of the Unit Peace Accords. “The University will long remember the armistice we’ve established here today,” said Maya Alcala ’21, an RPL in EmWool who presided over the ceasefire negotiations that ended the watermelon eating contests and three-legged races that had shaken the freshman class to its core.

Student Hopes Professor Will Get Enough Material For Recommendation Letter From Single Office Hours Visit | Apr 19 2019

Waiting patiently in the hallway before her irst and last visit to office hours, junior Michelle Simpson hoped her professor would get to know her well enough during this brief meeting to write her a strong recommendation letter. “Hopefully this will do the trick,” Simspon said, quietly preparing how she would introduce herself and her career goals.

Textbook Author Tosses In Exclamation Point To Get Readers Excited About Key Concept 4.2 | Apr 19 2019

Eagerly typing out another section of his upcoming Economics textbook, Professor Adlai Woodsworth decided to toss in an exclamation point to let readers know just how exciting Key Concept 4.2 is. “This is an incredibly intriguing point,” Woodsworth said, enthusiastically rereading the brief section summary he had written in a special textbox.

Report: Simmons Quad Smokestack Getting Billowy Today | Apr 19 2019

The smokestack on Simmons Quad is spewing especially billowy smoke clouds today, sources reported. “Wow, that vapor is way puffier than usual right now,” sources said while walking past the metal tube pumping mysterious fumes from deep underground into the air. "Ah, the wind is blowing it over here. It’s okay to breathe this, right? I hope the environment is okay.” At press time, the source of the subterranean fumes wafting into the sky remained unknown.

Critics Praise New ‘Lion King’ Movie For Realistic Animation Of Simba Devouring Timon And Pumbaa | Apr 19 2019

Calling it a groundbreaking development in lifelike CGI, movie critics have lauded the newest rendition of "The Lion King" for its realistic animation of Simba viciously devouring his friends Timon and Pumbaa. "The movie's crowning achievement was the scene where Simba tore apart Pumbaa's bloody carcass after gnawing at Timon like a drumstick," said film critic Gene Schrader, recalling the immersive experience of watching the doomed meerkat and warthog desperately run for their lives after offering Simba some grubs to eat.

We've Been Shitting in Your Romaine This Whole Time, FDA Reports | Mar 08 2019

In a press conference held last Tuesday to declare another nationwide recall of romaine lettuce, FDA Commissioner Scott Gottlieb announced that inspectors for the Food and Drug Administration have been shitting in batches of romaine lettuce for months.

Prominent Antivaxxer Actually Just Three Flu Viruses in a Trench Coat | Mar 08 2019

A new report revealed that Laura Douglas, an outspoken opponent of vaccinations, is actually three flu viruses in a trench coat disguised as a person. “Vaccinations can only cause harm,” said Douglas, who is in fact a trio of flu viruses trying to convince concerned parents that they are an adult woman.

Artifact on Display in Library Just Rotted Corpse of John D. Rockefeller | Mar 08 2019

A new archaeological artifact on display in the Rockefeller Library is just the rotting corpse of John D. Rockefeller, sources report. “Rockefeller donated a lot to this library,” said curator Mark Schaeffer, admiring the exhibit. “As part of his enduring commitment to our University, he graciously provided his own body at the end of his life.” Students passing by the elevators on the main floor of the Rock will get to see the library’s namesake gradually decaying in a glass case, Schaeffer said.

Student Goes to Rock to Feel Productive While Scrolling Through Facebook | Mar 08 2019

Deciding that it was time to focus on her distractions from work, Samantha Gutierrez reportedly went to the Rock to feel more productive while browsing Facebook. “My time is definitely best spent here,” Gutierrez said, taking a break from the Tasty videos she’d been watching to play a round of Words with Friends.

Lazy Professor Waits Till Night Before To Write Entire Final Exam | Dec 07 2018

Putting the limits of his procrastination to the ultimate test, Professor Adlai Woodsworth pushed off writing the final exam for his class until the last night before the test date. “Shit,” Woodsworth said while staring at an empty Word document at 11:30pm, trying to write an exam scheduled for 9am the following morning.

Literary Arts Department Caps Intro Fiction Class At Zero Students | Dec 07 2018

In a push to keep class sizes small, the Literary Arts department announced it would cap its introductory fiction class for the Spring semester at zero students. “In years past, we’ve found that some students’ voices can get buried even in classes with as few as 17 spots,” said Jasmine Zabrowski, head of the Literary Arts department.

Brown To Start Putting Up More Big White Tents Instead Of New Buildings | Oct 26 2018

In an effort to better meet the needs of Brown’s growing student body, the Corporation announced a bold new plan to put up some more big white tents around campus. “For years now, we’ve been expanding Brown’s campus through extensive construction and renovation projects,” said Mitch Giatti, vice president for campus planning.

Man Playing Chess In Public Park Must Be Full Of Wisdom | Oct 26 2018

Passing by local man Albert Livingston while he quietly played chess at a picnic table in the park, parkgoer Marcia Esposito came to the conclusion that Livingston must have decades of wisdom to share with the world. “Look at him, what a wise old man he must be,” whispered Esposito, awestruck by Livingston’s thoughtful dedication to his solitary game of chess.

Area Woman Taking Sick Pleasure In How Busy Her Google Calendar Is | Sep 14 2018

Proudly venting about how many appointments she has on her Google Calendar this week, Haley Zielinski seemed to be drawing some kind of sick satisfaction from her packed schedule, sources said. “Ugh!” Zielinski exclaimed audibly, cracking a satisfied grin while complaining to a friend.

Dalai Lama Considering Spending Next Life Abroad | Sep 14 2018

Citing a desire to “get away from it all for a while,” the Dalai Lama told sources close to him that he has begun thinking seriously about going abroad for his next life. “I’m really happy to be where I am with such a supportive network of monks,” said Tenzin Gyatso, the fourteenth Dalai Lama, “But I’m starting to grow a little bored with my surroundings in this life.

Mediocre Apocalypse Can't Even Make Statue Of Liberty's Head Fall Off | Sep 14 2018

According to the survivors of the apocalypse, the end-of-days has proven to be so mediocre that it’s caused hardly any damage to the Statue of Liberty, sources report. “Call me a purist, but I just thought that when the apocalypse came, it would do some serious damage to the Statue of Liberty," complained Kevin Bonebreaker, the newly self-declared warlord of Brooklyn.

Local Woman Fears The Worst When Unknown Car Uses Her Driveway To Turn Around | Sep 14 2018

Anxiously watching the street from her bedroom window, Andrea Stevenson reportedly began to panic and expect the worst when an unknown vehicle slowed to a stop outside her house last Tuesday night. “Who is that?” she whispered to herself, preemptively unlocking her cell phone just in case she had to quickly dial 911.

Area Man Records Funny Voicemail No One Will Ever Hear | Sep 14 2018

After hours of brainstorming and countless redos, area man Tom Fulton finally recorded the perfect joke voicemail that no other person will ever bother listening to. “So I start by talking as if I answered the phone, like: ‘Hello? It’s Tom, is anyone there?’” Fulton eagerly explained, unaware that no one would ever stay on the line long enough to hear the voicemail he spent his entire Sunday crafting.

Local Man Flosses Annually In Attempt To Disappoint Dentist A Little Less | Sep 14 2018

Desperately scraping away at the plaque that built up between his teeth since his last dentist appointment, area man Miguel Arroyo flossed for the first time in a year this morning in a last-ditch attempt to minimize his dentist’s disappointment in his poor dental hygiene.

Area Man Forced To Jog A Bit When Kind Stranger Holds Door From Too Far Away | Sep 14 2018

Panting a little from the unexpected workout that was imposed on him, Randy Dinapoli had no choice but to pick his pace up to a light jog when a well-meaning stranger held the door into the Ratty for him from just slightly too far away. “She totally caught me off guard,” Dinapoli complained of the stranger kindly holding the door open for him.

Guy Who Just Sneezed Three Times Not Getting Another "Bless You" | Sep 14 2018

As Dev Kapoor’s spontaneous sneezing fit dragged on with no end in sight, irritated classmates reported that they felt he deserved far less sympathy with each passing sneeze. Other students in the same lecture hall as Kapoor concluded that, after two sneezes, he was not going to get another “Bless You.” “A couple people said ‘bless you’ the first time," said classmate Aisha Dupont, doing her best to mask the disdain she increasingly felt toward Kapoor.

Professor Shopping Classes Can't Decide Which Ones To Teach | Sep 14 2018

As shopping period draws to a close, Professor Adlai Woodsworth reports that he is still having trouble choosing which courses to teach. “A lot of classes overlap so it’s hard to make a schedule that works,” Woodsworth said, reviewing the courses in his CAB cart again.

Tour Group Going To Lose Their Goddamn Minds Over This Giant Game Of Tetris Fact | Sep 14 2018

Leading his group of prospective students and their parents toward the SciLi, tour guide Darnell Dowd knew he was about to blow their goddamn minds with the incredible story of the Tetris game that once lit up the entire face of the building. “This Tetris tidbit works like a charm every time,” Dowd said coolly, preparing to drop the bombshell fun fact.

Sophomore Really Getting Off On Giving Advice To Freshmen | Sep 14 2018

As she reclined in her chair and casually spouted tidbits of wisdom for all to hear, sources reported that Sasha Singh ’21 was getting far too much pleasure out of offering guidance to new first years. “She’s enjoying this power imbalance way too much,” complained John Testa ’22, a freshman who asked Singh where the VDub was.

ADOCH Host Gives Visiting Student Authentic Taste of Campus Life By Sexiling Him | Apr 20 2018

While hundreds of admitted students explored campus through ADOCH events this month, one prospective student experienced an authentic glimpse of life at Brown when his ADOCH host sexiled him for the night. “I was on my way back from a concert when my host texted me and asked me to stay clear of the room,” recalled Michael Dimeno, an admitted student who was asked to leave with little explanation on his first night at Brown.

BDH Poll Finds 90 Percent Of Students Don't Want To Be Bothered With Surveys | Apr 20 2018

According to the Brown Daily Herald’s Spring 2018 Poll, the vast majority of undergraduate students don’t want to fill out their survey. “Within a 3 percent margin of error, we found that 9 in 10 students we approached refused to take the poll,” reported poll coordinator Brianne Davis ’19.

New Republican Spending Bill Proposes to Eliminate the Poor | Mar 09 2018

Facing increased pressure to address the federal government’s rapidly rising budget deficit, Congressional Republicans have announced a plan to drastically cut spending by getting rid of all poor people. “With this plan, we are doing away with everyone whose income falls below the poverty line,” Speaker of the House Paul Ryan said enthusiastically.

Student Reading Entire Satirical Article Must Have Some Serious Time To Kill | Dec 01 2017

Upon receiving the latest issue of the Brown Noser, student Cassidy Martinez shocked everyone nearby by actually proceeding to read one of the articles in its entirety. “We all took one to be polite and laughed at a few headlines," said Martinez’s friend, Jackie Walter, "No one has the time to give it much more attention than that.

A Capella Member At Back Totally Strumming Ukulele | Dec 01 2017

After hearing the obvious sound of chords being strummed, students listening to a cappella group the Varsity Arrangements reported that someone in the group had to be playing the ukulele the whole time. “You couldn’t really see for sure because they were all crowded together the way they do,” said Cindy Nguyen, noting that she never actually managed to catch a glimpse of the ukulele.

Freshman Stealing Bananas From Dining Hall Thinks He’s Some Kind Of Master Thief | Dec 01 2017

Peeking over both shoulders to check for witnesses as he hastily shoved four bananas into his backpack, Ben Hastings ’21 fled from the Ratty in a rush on Tuesday feeling as though he’d beaten the Dining Services system yet again. “Another successful heist,” Hastings proudly thought to himself as he nonchalantly speed-walked past a BUDS employee on break who saw the whole thing go down.

Newly Declassified JFK Assassination Documents Reveal Driving President Around In Open-Top Car Is Stupid Idea | Dec 01 2017

After their release last month, newly declassified files on former president John F. Kennedy’s 1963 assassination reveal that driving the President in an open-top car is a stupid idea. The papers summarize an internal FBI investigation that came to this conclusion.

Flickering Streetlight Waits Patiently For Cold Embrace Of Death | Nov 03 2017

Quietly dimming in a slow but relatively painless decline, the streetlight near the Rock-Tree on the main green began to flicker in anticipation of the inevitable end it has long been marching toward. “I’ve done everything I set out to do on this earth," the old lamp thought to itself reassuringly, struggling to remain conscious between fading flashes of its dim glow, "I lit up the sidewalk at night, I attracted bugs.

Angry Commuter Derides Potholes And Roadwork In Same Trip | Nov 03 2017

Jolting the steering wheel aggressively, impatient driver Rob Buckley loudly protested both the poor condition of the roads and the workers fixing the roads during his morning commute on Tuesday. “I’m gonna blow out a tire on this damn road!” Buckley shouted in a sudden burst of anger, adding that he wouldn’t hesitate to sue the Rhode Island Department of Transportation for any damage to his heavily used 2003 Subaru Outback.