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The Brown Noser

Jacob Lockwood


Jacob's articles

Textbook From 2005 Won't Shut Up About Worldwide Web | Apr 09 2021

According to students in an introductory political science course, the class’s outdated textbook from 2005 won’t shut the hell up about the promise of the worldwide web. “God, this chapter is just rambling on and on about how much things have changed since people first started surfing the net,” one student complained, flipping through dozens of pages touting the boundless possibilities offered by the growing cyberspace.

Ethical Pescatarian Only Eats Meat From Cows Drowned In Ocean | Apr 09 2021

Drawing a personal line in the sand for which foods she believes are ethical to consume, local pescatarian Meghan Delaney made clear that she only eats meat from cows that drowned in the ocean. “I agree with vegetarians that eating most meat is unethical, but I do make an exception for certain seafoods — like cows that are drowned instead of slaughtered,” Delaney said, explaining that she believes land animals experience significantly more suffering than sea creatures and drowning land animals.

Snow May Still Return, Warns New England Resident Like Rugged Mountain Nomad | Apr 09 2021

Cautioning outsiders against falling for this false spring, local New England resident Nathaniel Behr warned that snow may still return like a rugged nomad who has spent years traversing frigid mountain peaks. “I wouldn’t put away your winter jacket just yet if I were you,” Behr said, recounting the countless April snowstorms he’s seen in New England like a grizzled wanderer who’s endured the unforgiving arctic climes for decades without ever feeling true warmth.

Supreme Court Tosses Out Clearly Gerrymandered State Of Oklahoma | Apr 09 2021

In a 5-4 decision certain to reshuffle the landscape of American politics, the Supreme Court tossed out the obviously gerrymandered state of Oklahoma. “Under the Court’s longstanding precedents on gerrymandering, the boundaries of Oklahoma are plainly unconstitutional,” wrote Associate Justice Elena Kagan, explaining the majority’s decision to strike down Oklahoma.

Netflix Login Passed Through Family Like Prized Heirloom | Apr 09 2021

Sources report that the Lambert family passes its Netflix login down through the generations like a prized family heirloom. “I think you’ve reached the age where I can finally give you this, just like your older siblings before you,” said the mother of the Lambert children, texting the Netflix username and password to her son in college.

Report: Oh Hey, Test Result Negative | Apr 09 2021

According to a recent report from your roommate, oh hey, his COVID test result came back negative. “Oh hey, look at that,” he said, opening his phone to read an email from Verily. “Looks like I’m negative. Nice.” At press time, oh cool, turns out he did okay on that assignment.

BDH Clearly Leaves Every Paper Till Night Before | Apr 09 2021

Students across campus have reported that The Brown Daily Herald clearly leaves every paper until the night before it’s due. “God, it’s so painfully obvious that this was rushed together last night,” said BDH reader Medhi Tahir, leafing through a copy of the campus paper and shaking his head at the occasional typo.

UCS Candidate Boldly Promises To Stop Posting About UCS Election If You Vote For Him | Apr 09 2021

Promoting his student government campaign on each of his social media accounts, UCS Presidential Candidate Michael Thompson boldly promised to stop posting about the UCS election if you vote for him. “I’m excited to act on my broad platform of ideas to help the student body, especially by quieting down about the UCS election after this is all over,” Thompson said in one post, emphasizing that his first act as UCS President would be to stop plastering Instagram and Facebook with lists of his priorities and endorsements.

Law Firm Neck-And-Neck With Academic Paper For World's Longest String Of Kooky Names | Apr 09 2021

According to a recent report from the Guinness Book of World Records, a personal injury law firm has pulled into a dead heat with an academic journal article in the race for the world’s longest string of kooky names. “Up until now, the record was indisputably held by the paper on microfinance in developing countries by Schnoyder, Gruckleshanks, Borp, and Toggledy-Smath (2017),” said a spokesperson for Guinness World Records, noting that this group of authors won the title over a number of strong contenders with highly unique names.

Friends Signing Off-Campus Lease Excited To Eventually Despise Each Other | Apr 09 2021

After signing a lease for an off-campus house next year, a local group of friends is excited to gradually grow to despise each other while living together. “It’s gonna be so sick to share a house and get in constant fights over our incompatible living habits,” said one member of the group, looking forward to spending their senior year at each other’s throats.

Senior Not Looking For Long-Term Commitment, Just Job With Benefits | Apr 09 2021

Venting to friends about her inability to find something stable to count on, graduating senior Shannon Pryor emphasized that she’s not looking for any long-term commitment — just a job with benefits. “I just think what I want right now is a job with benefits that I don’t have to be too tied down to,” Pryor said, admitting that she might even settle for a handful of part-time gigs here and there in the meantime.

Student In Nonfiction Workshop Thinks Present Tense Really Puts You In The Moment There | Apr 09 2021

Chiming in to share her feedback on the piece up for workshop, Creative Nonfiction student Emily Dibiasi emphasized that she thinks the present tense really puts you in the moment there. “I just think that putting this part in the present tense did a really good job making you feel like this was going on right now,” Dibiasi said, noting that the change in verb tenses actually didn’t trip her up at all.

Club Excited To Announce Dinky Little Podcast | Mar 12 2021

Publicizing their new project in a Facebook post liked by two followers, Architects@Brown is reportedly excited to announce that they’re starting a dinky little podcast. “We’re so excited to finally release our brand new podcast for everyone to hear,” the Facebook post announced, providing a link to their dopey first episode clearly recorded with a cheapo laptop microphone.

Nation Marks Anniversary Of Shutdown With Commemorative New COVID Strain | Mar 12 2021

As the first anniversary of the nation’s pandemic shutdown approaches, the United States has unveiled a commemorative new COVID strain to mark the solemn occasion. “To pay tribute to the difficult year we’ve all endured, we’re launching a brand new COVID-19 strain for a limited time only,” said Dr.

Public Policy Student Really Gets Off On Remembering Senators' Names | Mar 12 2021

Public Policy student Andrew Richardson ’21.5 really seems to get off on remembering the names of Senators, sources report. “Obviously all the deciding votes this term will be cast by Joe Manchin, but you might be able to get a vote across the aisle like Susan Collins or even a Pat Toomey if you’re lucky,” Richardson reportedly said unprompted in one conversation, clearly satisfied with his wealth of knowledge about what multiple specific Senators are named.

"Rhode Island Beaches Are Rocky And Coffee Milk Sucks!" Shouts Former Governor Raimondo From Safety Of New DC Office | Mar 12 2021

Releasing years of frustration from her time as Governor of Rhode Island, incoming Commerce Secretary Gina Raimondo has been reportedly shouting complaints about her home state at the top of her lungs from the safety of her new D.C. office. “Coffee milk is terrible and all the beaches are too rocky!” Raimondo yelled to no one in particular, feeling an excited chill from the sound of her own voice echoing off the empty walls of her secluded Department of Commerce office suite.

Transportation Secretary Buttigieg Vows To Combat National Crisis Of Dames Tied To Train Tracks | Mar 12 2021

Emphasizing the critical need for swift action at the highest levels of government, Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg vowed to combat the national crisis of dames tied to train tracks in a recent press conference. “People all across our nation are hurting — particularly the thousands of damsels in distress who are tied to our railways every year,” Buttigieg told gathered members of the press, noting solemnly that the past few months have seen more and more women helplessly roped down in the way of fast approaching steam engines.

Entire Night's Plans Derailed By Captivating Roku TV Screensaver | Mar 12 2021

As every member of local student Jerry Blackwell’s pod settled in to stare mindlessly at their living room TV for hours to come, it became clear that the entire night’s plans had been derailed by the highly captivating screen saver scrolling across the Roku TV.

Lowly Cheez-It Box Vanquished By Drunk Man | Mar 12 2021

Frightened sources reported that a lowly, defenseless Cheez-It box has been ruthlessly vanquished by local drunk man Hank Hoboken. “Oh no, what is he doing to that poor box of Cheez-Its?” said one astonished onlooker as a plastered Hoboken tore through the cardboard and plastic barriers separating him from the salty crackers.

COVID Concerns Force University To House Excess Students In Golden Sky Castle | Feb 05 2021

Citing a need to provide all students with a single dorm room amid the COVID-19 pandemic, the University announced that it has had no choice but to lease additional student housing in the golden castle floating high in the sky above Providence. “To make sure we could bring as many students back to Providence as possible this semester, we’ve housed hundreds of students in a crystal palace with gold-plated walls built atop the clouds,” explained Vice President for Campus Life Eric Estes, emphasizing that this shining citadel towering within the firmament was the most affordable off-campus housing solution available in the greater Providence area.

Concerned Centrist Calls For Unity Between Democratic Party And Antidemocratic Party | Feb 05 2021

Expressing deep concern over divisive behavior on both ends of the political spectrum, local centrist J.J. Pickle recently issued a stirring call for unity between the Democratic Party and the Antidemocratic Party. “There’s far too much fear and hatred of the other side in this country — both among the Democrats and the Fascists,” Pickle declared, lamenting the continued inability of liberals obsessed with shaking up the health care system to come together and compromise with authoritarians determined to overturn elections they lost.

Brown Makes Vaccine Available To High-Risk Groups, Like BDH Readers | Feb 05 2021

In an effort to protect its most vulnerable community members first, the University has announced plans to begin vaccinating high-risk groups such as readers of the Brown Daily Herald. “We’re prioritizing vaccines for those under circumstances that put them at heightened risk of COVID-19 infection, one of which is frequent BDH readership,” said School of Public Health Dean Ashish Jha in a statement urging any fans of the daily student newspaper to quickly seek vaccination.

Roommate's Smoothie Kick Entering Second And Final Day | Feb 05 2021

Plugging in his NutriBullet for what would prove to be the last time, local roommate Ted Gary commenced the second and final day of his new smoothie kick. “I’ve really been missing Ivy Room smoothies, so I thought I’d get into making my own smoothies here,” Gary explained, retrieving a four-pound bag of frozen strawberries and blueberries he’d bought yesterday and would soon permanently abandon in the back of the freezer.

Senior Writing Cover Letter Develops Sudden Passionate Interest In Effective Financial Auditing | Feb 05 2021

While applying for an entry-level analyst position at Deloitte, graduating senior Will Tonkin suddenly developed a deep passion for effective financial auditing. “Throughout my entire education in Economics at Brown, I have developed a strong background and keen interest in auditing corporations’ financial statements,” Tonkin wrote at the very beginning of his cover letter, immediately gaining a lifelong love for the practice of confirming whether businesses report their transactions accurately.

University Boots Up Paxson Neural Network To Generate Automated Email Acknowledging Current Events | Feb 05 2021

As a national news story quickly developed, University administrators booted up the advanced Christina Paxson neural network that has served as Brown’s president since 2012 to generate an automated email acknowledging current events. “On behalf of the entire Brown community, I would like to respond to the events currently unfolding in our country,” the Paxson supercomputer automatically printed onto a strip of ticker tape, already training on a vast dataset of tepid University statements as human technicians flickered on the lights in the laboratory where the mainframe was housed.

Vaccine Clinic For Essential Health Workers Infiltrated By Three PLME Students In A Lab Coat | Feb 05 2021

Disguising themselves as a single towering medical professional, three PLME students attempted to receive COVID-19 vaccines allocated to essential health workers by piling on top of each others’ shoulders in a lab coat. “Yes, I am an essential doctor and I am here for my vaccination,” the uppermost PLME student told a worker at the vaccine clinic as the other two PLME students strained to keep their balance and breathe inside the lab coat.

University Threatens To Crack Down On All Superspreader Parties Not Hosted By Children Of Donors | Feb 05 2021

In a community-wide email linking recent COVID-19 spikes on campus to large social gatherings, the University threatened to crack down on all superspreader parties not hosted by children of wealthy donors. “We are investigating several concerning reports of large gatherings where students were unmasked and underprivileged,” the statement read, emphasizing that the University would not tolerate any violations of its COVID-19 policies by students whose parents have made no sizable donations to the BrownTogether fundraising campaign.

Swearer Center Emphasizes Importance Of Volunteering For Local Militia | Oct 30 2020

Stressing a critical need for students to give back more to the Rhode Island community in these trying times, the Swearer Center for Public Service emphasized the importance of volunteering for local militia organizations. “With everything going on, there’s no better time for students to devote time to community service — particularly military service,” said Interim Swearer Center Director Betsy Shimberg, adding that many local militia forces will even provide students with the arms and munitions they need to serve.

Brown Dems Spending Final Days Before Election Knocking Doors In Key Battleground Dorms | Oct 30 2020

In their final push to get out the vote, the Brown Democrats have spent their last few days before the 2020 election knocking doors in key battleground dorms. “With so little time left before the most important election of our lives, we’re trying to devote our attention where it’s needed most,” said Brown Dems President Dana Li Ten while working to win over swing voters on the Main Green.

Brown Limits Group Halloween Costumes To Five Or Fewer People | Oct 30 2020

In an email sent to the Brown community Friday morning, Executive Vice President for Planning and Policy Russell Carey announced a new COVID-19 safety rule limiting group Halloween costumes to five or fewer people. “To prevent COVID-19 outbreaks stemming from Halloween parties this year, all group costumes can have no more than five members,” Carey wrote, noting that no exceptions can be made for larger group costumes that have been in the works for a long time.

Paxson Gently Reminds Dean Zia His Batman Mask Not Protecting Anyone From COVID | Oct 30 2020

Frowning and shaking her head with concern as she passed by Dean Rashid Zia, President Christina Paxson gently reminded the Dean of the College that his Batman mask wasn’t protecting anyone from COVID. “Now, Rashid, we talked about this,” Paxson whispered, pulling Zia aside to delicately chide him for his mistake.

Blinding Rays Of Light Emanate From Joe Biden's Mortal Frame As He Wages Final Battle For Soul Of Nation | Oct 30 2020

While preparing to strike the final blow in the battle for the soul of the nation, Joe Biden’s mortal frame has reportedly begun emanating blinding rays of light in every direction. “The nation’s soul is on the ballot,” the Democratic presidential candidate bellowed as pure energy and strong gusts of wind encircled his entire body, lifting him into the air.

Don Jr. And Eric Quietly Putting Mailbox Flags Down All Around Suburban Neighborhood In Last-Ditch Attempt To Suppress Mail Vote | Oct 30 2020

In a last-ditch attempt to suppress the mail vote and help their father win reelection, Donald Trump Jr. and Eric Trump have reportedly spent days quietly putting mailbox flags down around several Philadelphia suburbs. “Get that one! Go! Go! Go!” Don Jr.

Study Shows Voter Turnout Would Be Near Universal If "I Voted" Stickers Were Sparkly | Oct 30 2020

According to a groundbreaking new study of the U.S. voting age population, voter turnout would be nearly universal in every election if “I Voted” stickers were sparkly. “Our results indicate conclusively that the path to increasing voter turnout lies in improving the quality of the stickers provided to voters,” said lead researcher Harlan Bucknell-Dupree.

Florida's Leaders Scrambling To Figure Out How To Fuck Up Election This Time | Oct 30 2020

With just days left until the 2020 election, Florida’s leaders are reportedly scrambling to figure out how they’ll fuck up the election this time. “Fuck, what are we gonna do?!” said Florida Election Commissioner Glen Bulbis, anxiously clutching his head in his hands while struggling to keep from hyperventilating.

Trump Administration Selflessly Doing Its Part To Work Toward Herd Immunity | Oct 30 2020

With several of its members selflessly getting infected with COVID-19, the Trump administration has been hard at work helping to push the country toward herd immunity, according to a White House press release. “With every passing day, we in the White House are bringing America another step closer to the herd immunity we so badly need — one staffer at a time,” the statement read, commending West Wing staff and presidential advisors for taking on the thankless task of having coronavirus.

Man Who Skimmed NYT Article Last Week Just Thinks The Science Isn't Really There On COVID Spread Via Surfaces | Sep 25 2020

After briefly skimming a New York Times article on the subject last week, area man Nick Demings just thinks that the science isn’t really there on COVID-19 spreading through contact with surfaces. “My sense is the recent studies have found that people aren’t really getting coronavirus just from touching things,” Demings announced, vaguely recalling information he picked up from the first few sentences of a news article published last Tuesday.

Southern Governors Trying To Get COVID Curve To Do Loop-De-Loop | Sep 25 2020

According to a joint press statement released Tuesday, the governors of several southern states are actively working to get the coronavirus curve to do a loop-de-loop. “The COVID curve reached its peak in our states a few weeks ago, and it has since begun to fall back down,” read the statement, which was signed by governors from a number of states still struggling to contain the pandemic, including Texas, Florida, and Georgia.

Brown Equestrian Team Dispatches Hordes Of Mounted Archers Across Campus To Brutally Avenge Varsity Demotion | Sep 25 2020

In a violent act of revenge against the University for revoking their varsity status, the women’s equestrian team unleashed hordes of mounted warriors wielding crossbows and spears across campus. “For our honor!” the heavily armed riders shouted in a vociferous battle cry, rearing their armor-clad horses to trample a crowd of screaming students while shooting flaming arrows through the windows of University Hall.

Dirt-Smeared Paxson Grips Pistol As Tumbleweed Blows Across Barren Main Green | Apr 24 2020

Tipping the brim of her hat down to block her eyes, a dirt-smeared President Christina Paxson grasped the stock of her pistol in its holster as a dry gust of wind blew a tumbleweed across the barren Main Green. “Who’s there?” she called into the whistling breeze, straining to see through the haze of dust hanging in the air as she trudged across the desolate landscape.

Masked Serial Killer Relieved He Already Taking Necessary Precautions | Apr 24 2020

Glancing at another harrowing New York Times notification while digging a shallow grave for his latest victim, masked serial killer Joseph Byrne breathed a sigh of relief that he’s already taking the necessary precautions to protect himself against COVID-19.

CDC Bets You're Not Cool Enough To Have Get Together With 10 People Anyway | Apr 24 2020

In a statement released Tuesday, the CDC reiterated their guidance advising against all gatherings over ten people, but noted that this probably won’t be an issue for you because you’re not cool enough to have a get together with that many people anyway.

Curve Still Curvy, CDC Reports | Apr 24 2020

In a White House press conference Tuesday, CDC director Robert Redfield emphasized that despite the past month of extensive social distancing measures, the curve is still curvy. “We’re seeing some progress, but it’s important to note that the curve still curves the way we don’t want it to curve,” Redfield said in the nationally televised briefing, stressing that all Americans should be prepared for the curve to stay curvy in the weeks to come.

Trump Assures Worried Americans He'll Be Fine | Apr 24 2020

In his daily press conference Tuesday, President Trump assured a worried nation that no matter how severe the COVID-19 pandemic gets, he’ll be fine. “I know everybody’s very worried about the coronavirus,” Trump said, striking a comforting tone to address the fears of the millions of Americans tuning in.

Health Industry Scrambles To Boost Production Of Hospital Bills | Apr 24 2020

Bracing for surges of COVID-19 cases across the country, the health industry has reportedly scrambled to increase the supply of hospital bills in recent weeks. “We’re going to be facing a national shortage of hospital bills pretty soon,” warned Bruce Plank, CEO of the American Health Insurance Association.

U.S. Asks Pugs If They Can Do Anything | Apr 24 2020

In a statement released Tuesday, citizens of the United States asked pugs if they can do anything, and if so, what? “Is there anything at all that you can do?” the amassed nation collectively wondered aloud while staring at the country’s population of pugs, who were all simultaneously panting with their tongues out.

Nice Of You To Finally Come Upstairs, Dad Reports | Apr 24 2020

In a statement released soon after you woke up, Dad reported that it’s nice of you to finally come upstairs. “Oh, there’s the early bird,” he commented, noting that it’s already the early afternoon. “Good morning, sunshine. Nice to see you in the daylight for once.” Dad went on to report that it’d do you some good to get out of that cave of yours more often.

Paxson Emphasizes Healthy Fall 2020 Task Force Never Said No Takebacks | Apr 24 2020

In a community email this morning scaling back plans to resume in-person learning in the fall, President Christina Paxson repeatedly stressed the fact that the Healthy Fall 2020 Task Force never said no takebacks in its reopening plan. "I'm truly sorry to be writing this letter," Paxson wrote, announcing the difficult decision to switch to a phased reopening.

BPR Proudly Provides Only Source Of Koch-Funded Political Commentary On Campus | Mar 06 2020

In an editors’ note in their latest issue, the Brown Political Review expressed pride at providing Brown’s only source of political commentary funded by the conservative megadonor Charles Koch. “The founders of BPR identified a clear lack of political writing at Brown paid for by billionaire oil tycoons hellbent on pouring their wealth into reshaping American politics to reflect their extreme worldview,” wrote Edgar Flinkton ‘20, editor-in-chief of BPR.

"Mind If I Sit With You?" Dean Zia Asks Group Of Students At GCB | Mar 06 2020

In an effort to reach out to students where they are, Dean of the College Rashid Zia ’01 reportedly asked to sit with a group of students drinking at the Graduate Center Bar on Tuesday night. “Got room for one more here?” Zia asked, scooching a chair up to the table of juniors getting trashed on a pitcher of Narragansett.

Discouraged Provost Locke Scouring Noser Pages For Article About Him | Mar 06 2020

Desperately flipping through the Brown Noser copy he just picked up at Faunce Arch, Provost Richard Locke grew discouraged as he scoured the pages of the Noser for an article about him. “Of course, there’s the usual Rashid Zia article,” Locke complained, slumping further back in his chair as he neared the end of the latest issue.

Hopeful Andrew Yang Repeatedly Checking Email For Brown Guest Lecture Invitation | Mar 06 2020

Eagerly scanning his inbox, a hopeful Andrew Yang ‘96 checked his email once again to see if he’d received an invitation yet to deliver a guest lecture at Brown. “Oh boy, maybe I’ll finally get one today,” the former Democratic presidential hopeful said, briefly peeking into his spam folder to see if his Gmail was filtering out important messages from the Brown Lecture Board.

Performing Arts Center Builders Determined To Dig Deep Enough To Uncover Subterranean Society Of Mole People | Dec 06 2019

Blasting out another layer of rock, construction workers at the future site of the Performing Arts Center announced they won’t stop digging until they unearth the subterranean society of mole people that must reside below campus. “The multi-level design of the new Performing Arts Center has allowed us to dig deeper into the ground than any construction team at Brown ever has before,” said construction site director Bill Flob.

Boston Accent Voted Sexiest Accent In Eastern Massachusetts | Dec 06 2019

In a nationwide survey, the Boston accent was voted the sexiest accent in eastern Massachusetts. “The accent of Boston natives is seen as the sexiest accent by far in the area of Massachusetts that primarily includes Boston,” said Rachel Stockton, who led the survey.

If I Pull An All-Nighter But No One Is Around To Hear Me Complain About It, Did It Really Happen? by CS Students | Dec 06 2019

While working late into the night to finish a CS33 project recently, I encountered a philosophical dilemma that Computer Science students are constantly grappling with: If I pull an all-nighter but no one is around to hear me complain about it, did I really pull an all-nighter at all? You might think the answer to this question is obviously yes.

Sure, The Beach Is Nice And All, But Nothing Compares To The Feeling Of Lunar Regolith Between Your Toes by Buzz Aldrin | Dec 06 2019


Area Man Really Eyeing Up Tomorrow's Piece Of Advent Calendar Chocolate | Dec 06 2019

After eating the little chocolate square designated for December 6th, area man Harold Tobin began eyeing up the piece of advent calendar chocolate set aside for tomorrow. “I guess I could just eat another one now,” Tobin said, hesitating over the cardboard flap concealing the December 7th chocolate.

Billy Joel Buys Extra Seat On Flight For His Baby Grand | Dec 06 2019

Carting his Steinway & Sons piano up the aisle of the economy class cabin, sources reported that famed singer-songwriter Billy Joel booked an extra seat on his Southwest flight for his baby grand. “It costs double, but it’s the only way I can safely take it on tour,” Joel said, carefully buckling the piano into the window seat.

Jo's Scales Back Operations To Just Jo | Oct 25 2019

In an attempt to cut down on the need for late-night workers, the popular Jo’s eatery has reportedly scaled back its operations to just Jo himself. “We’ve maintained all the meal options students know and love at Jo’s,” said Director of Dining Services John Barber, emphasizing that salads, burgers, and quesadillas aren’t going anywhere.

No One Can Resist A Man In Uniform, Safewalker Reports | Oct 25 2019

Confidently donning his neon yellow vest, local safewalker Sam Rodriguez reported that no one can resist a man in uniform. “Now there’s a sharp-dressing gentleman,” Rodriguez said, casually flexing under the bright tarp he wore over his clothes to stand out in the dark.

Ratty To Replace Compost Bins With Dad Who'll Finish Whatever You Don't Eat | Oct 25 2019

According to an announcement from Director of Dining Services John Barber, the Ratty will replace all its compost bins with a dad who’ll finish whatever you don’t want to eat. “Instead of disposing of food waste in compost bins, we’re transitioning to a fully dad-based system,” Barber said, explaining how the dad would be conveniently positioned where the four compost bins once stood.

Beachgoer Completely Transfixed By Smooth Rock | Sep 13 2019

Picking up a stone while walking along the shoreline, beachgoer Mandy Norton was immediately transfixed by the smooth rock she had found. “I just can’t believe how round and flawless this rock is,” Norton marveled while staring intently at the pebble she picked out of the sand.

Dad Just Itching To Go Buy Milk | Sep 13 2019

Calling back home to ask whether the gallon of 2% he bought earlier in the week was gone yet, local dad Joe Graham was clearly just itching to go buy some milk. “There’s still a little bit left in there? Can you go smell it to check if we could use some more?” Graham asked his daughter over the phone while waiting patiently in Walmart’s dairy aisle for a reason to pick up some milk.

Gerrymandering Has Silly Name, Supreme Court Rules | Sep 13 2019

In a landmark decision on the legality of drawing legislative districts to favor one political party, the Supreme Court ruled that gerrymandering has a silly name. “It is the opinion of the Court that whoever came up with the name ‘gerrymandering’ must have been a really goofy guy,” Chief Justice John Roberts wrote for the majority, delivering a ruling poised to alter the political landscape for a generation.

Eager Students Line Up Around Block For Grand Opening Of Chase Bank | Sep 13 2019

Eagerly awaiting the grand opening of Thayer Street’s newest banking location, dozens of students lined up around the block early in the morning to be among the first to make transactions with Chase Bank. “I’ve been so excited for this day ever since I heard Chase Bank was coming to Thayer,” said Alicia Yang ’21, who reportedly woke up at 5:00 A.M.

University Demolishes Historic Building Just To Let Off Some Steam | Sep 13 2019

Saying that it really needed this chance to let loose, the University reportedly demolished the historic Gardner House just to blow off some steam. “Ahhh, now that feels a lot better,” the University announced in a press release after tearing down the early-19th century house on the National Register of Historic Places.

Econ Professor Teaches First Lesson Of Semester By Jacking Up Price Of Textbook He Wrote | Sep 13 2019

Starting his introductory microeconomics course off with a demonstration of monopoly power, Professor of Economics Adlai Woodsworth taught his students their first lesson of the semester by jacking up the price of the mandatory textbook he wrote for the course.

Devoted CS15 TA Stays In Character As "Local Variable 2" For Days Before Skit | Sep 13 2019

To prepare for an upcoming educational skit about how variables work in Java, devoted CS15 TA Cameron Behr has reportedly committed himself to staying in character as “Local Variable 2” for several days leading up to the performance. “Cam has taken rehearsing for this skit way too seriously,” said Emily Toolan, another TA for the introductory computer science course playing the part of “Parameter 1” in a scene with Behr.

Scatterbrained Meiklejohn Confuses Advisee Meeting For Tinder Date | Sep 13 2019

Mixing up two different appointments in his busy schedule, scatterbrained Meiklejohn peer adviser Michael Hall ’22 reportedly confused a meeting with a freshman advisee for a date with a Tinder match. “When he started out by asking what I do for fun I figured he was just being friendly and getting to know me,” said Anika Mishra ’23, Hall’s first-year advisee.

Unit Wars Finally Halted By Unit Peace Accords | Sep 13 2019

Putting an end to hours of brutal competition between warring factions of freshmen, the Unit Wars were finally halted by the recent signing of the Unit Peace Accords. “The University will long remember the armistice we’ve established here today,” said Maya Alcala ’21, an RPL in EmWool who presided over the ceasefire negotiations that ended the watermelon eating contests and three-legged races that had shaken the freshman class to its core.

Student Hopes Professor Will Get Enough Material For Recommendation Letter From Single Office Hours Visit | Apr 19 2019

Waiting patiently in the hallway before her irst and last visit to office hours, junior Michelle Simpson hoped her professor would get to know her well enough during this brief meeting to write her a strong recommendation letter. “Hopefully this will do the trick,” Simspon said, quietly preparing how she would introduce herself and her career goals.

Textbook Author Tosses In Exclamation Point To Get Readers Excited About Key Concept 4.2 | Apr 19 2019

Eagerly typing out another section of his upcoming Economics textbook, Professor Adlai Woodsworth decided to toss in an exclamation point to let readers know just how exciting Key Concept 4.2 is. “This is an incredibly intriguing point,” Woodsworth said, enthusiastically rereading the brief section summary he had written in a special textbox.

Report: Simmons Quad Smokestack Getting Billowy Today | Apr 19 2019

The smokestack on Simmons Quad is spewing especially billowy smoke clouds today, sources reported. “Wow, that vapor is way puffier than usual right now,” sources said while walking past the metal tube pumping mysterious fumes from deep underground into the air. "Ah, the wind is blowing it over here. It’s okay to breathe this, right? I hope the environment is okay.” At press time, the source of the subterranean fumes wafting into the sky remained unknown.

Critics Praise New ‘Lion King’ Movie For Realistic Animation Of Simba Devouring Timon And Pumbaa | Apr 19 2019

Calling it a groundbreaking development in lifelike CGI, movie critics have lauded the newest rendition of "The Lion King" for its realistic animation of Simba viciously devouring his friends Timon and Pumbaa. "The movie's crowning achievement was the scene where Simba tore apart Pumbaa's bloody carcass after gnawing at Timon like a drumstick," said film critic Gene Schrader, recalling the immersive experience of watching the doomed meerkat and warthog desperately run for their lives after offering Simba some grubs to eat.

We've Been Shitting in Your Romaine This Whole Time, FDA Reports | Mar 08 2019

In a press conference held last Tuesday to declare another nationwide recall of romaine lettuce, FDA Commissioner Scott Gottlieb announced that inspectors for the Food and Drug Administration have been shitting in batches of romaine lettuce for months.

Prominent Antivaxxer Actually Just Three Flu Viruses in a Trench Coat | Mar 08 2019

A new report revealed that Laura Douglas, an outspoken opponent of vaccinations, is actually three flu viruses in a trench coat disguised as a person. “Vaccinations can only cause harm,” said Douglas, who is in fact a trio of flu viruses trying to convince concerned parents that they are an adult woman.

Artifact on Display in Library Just Rotted Corpse of John D. Rockefeller | Mar 08 2019

A new archaeological artifact on display in the Rockefeller Library is just the rotting corpse of John D. Rockefeller, sources report. “Rockefeller donated a lot to this library,” said curator Mark Schaeffer, admiring the exhibit. “As part of his enduring commitment to our University, he graciously provided his own body at the end of his life.” Students passing by the elevators on the main floor of the Rock will get to see the library’s namesake gradually decaying in a glass case, Schaeffer said.

Student Goes to Rock to Feel Productive While Scrolling Through Facebook | Mar 08 2019

Deciding that it was time to focus on her distractions from work, Samantha Gutierrez reportedly went to the Rock to feel more productive while browsing Facebook. “My time is definitely best spent here,” Gutierrez said, taking a break from the Tasty videos she’d been watching to play a round of Words with Friends.

Lazy Professor Waits Till Night Before To Write Entire Final Exam | Dec 07 2018

Putting the limits of his procrastination to the ultimate test, Professor Adlai Woodsworth pushed off writing the final exam for his class until the last night before the test date. “Shit,” Woodsworth said while staring at an empty Word document at 11:30pm, trying to write an exam scheduled for 9am the following morning.

Literary Arts Department Caps Intro Fiction Class At Zero Students | Dec 07 2018

In a push to keep class sizes small, the Literary Arts department announced it would cap its introductory fiction class for the Spring semester at zero students. “In years past, we’ve found that some students’ voices can get buried even in classes with as few as 17 spots,” said Jasmine Zabrowski, head of the Literary Arts department.

Brown To Start Putting Up More Big White Tents Instead Of New Buildings | Oct 26 2018

In an effort to better meet the needs of Brown’s growing student body, the Corporation announced a bold new plan to put up some more big white tents around campus. “For years now, we’ve been expanding Brown’s campus through extensive construction and renovation projects,” said Mitch Giatti, vice president for campus planning.

Man Playing Chess In Public Park Must Be Full Of Wisdom | Oct 26 2018

Passing by local man Albert Livingston while he quietly played chess at a picnic table in the park, parkgoer Marcia Esposito came to the conclusion that Livingston must have decades of wisdom to share with the world. “Look at him, what a wise old man he must be,” whispered Esposito, awestruck by Livingston’s thoughtful dedication to his solitary game of chess.

Area Woman Taking Sick Pleasure In How Busy Her Google Calendar Is | Sep 14 2018

Proudly venting about how many appointments she has on her Google Calendar this week, Haley Zielinski seemed to be drawing some kind of sick satisfaction from her packed schedule, sources said. “Ugh!” Zielinski exclaimed audibly, cracking a satisfied grin while complaining to a friend.

Dalai Lama Considering Spending Next Life Abroad | Sep 14 2018

Citing a desire to “get away from it all for a while,” the Dalai Lama told sources close to him that he has begun thinking seriously about going abroad for his next life. “I’m really happy to be where I am with such a supportive network of monks,” said Tenzin Gyatso, the fourteenth Dalai Lama, “But I’m starting to grow a little bored with my surroundings in this life.

Mediocre Apocalypse Can't Even Make Statue Of Liberty's Head Fall Off | Sep 14 2018

According to the survivors of the apocalypse, the end-of-days has proven to be so mediocre that it’s caused hardly any damage to the Statue of Liberty, sources report. “Call me a purist, but I just thought that when the apocalypse came, it would do some serious damage to the Statue of Liberty," complained Kevin Bonebreaker, the newly self-declared warlord of Brooklyn.

Local Woman Fears The Worst When Unknown Car Uses Her Driveway To Turn Around | Sep 14 2018

Anxiously watching the street from her bedroom window, Andrea Stevenson reportedly began to panic and expect the worst when an unknown vehicle slowed to a stop outside her house last Tuesday night. “Who is that?” she whispered to herself, preemptively unlocking her cell phone just in case she had to quickly dial 911.

Area Man Records Funny Voicemail No One Will Ever Hear | Sep 14 2018

After hours of brainstorming and countless redos, area man Tom Fulton finally recorded the perfect joke voicemail that no other person will ever bother listening to. “So I start by talking as if I answered the phone, like: ‘Hello? It’s Tom, is anyone there?’” Fulton eagerly explained, unaware that no one would ever stay on the line long enough to hear the voicemail he spent his entire Sunday crafting.

Local Man Flosses Annually In Attempt To Disappoint Dentist A Little Less | Sep 14 2018

Desperately scraping away at the plaque that built up between his teeth since his last dentist appointment, area man Miguel Arroyo flossed for the first time in a year this morning in a last-ditch attempt to minimize his dentist’s disappointment in his poor dental hygiene.

Area Man Forced To Jog A Bit When Kind Stranger Holds Door From Too Far Away | Sep 14 2018

Panting a little from the unexpected workout that was imposed on him, Randy Dinapoli had no choice but to pick his pace up to a light jog when a well-meaning stranger held the door into the Ratty for him from just slightly too far away. “She totally caught me off guard,” Dinapoli complained of the stranger kindly holding the door open for him.

Guy Who Just Sneezed Three Times Not Getting Another "Bless You" | Sep 14 2018

As Dev Kapoor’s spontaneous sneezing fit dragged on with no end in sight, irritated classmates reported that they felt he deserved far less sympathy with each passing sneeze. Other students in the same lecture hall as Kapoor concluded that, after two sneezes, he was not going to get another “Bless You.” “A couple people said ‘bless you’ the first time," said classmate Aisha Dupont, doing her best to mask the disdain she increasingly felt toward Kapoor.

Professor Shopping Classes Can't Decide Which Ones To Teach | Sep 14 2018

As shopping period draws to a close, Professor Adlai Woodsworth reports that he is still having trouble choosing which courses to teach. “A lot of classes overlap so it’s hard to make a schedule that works,” Woodsworth said, reviewing the courses in his CAB cart again.

Tour Group Going To Lose Their Goddamn Minds Over This Giant Game Of Tetris Fact | Sep 14 2018

Leading his group of prospective students and their parents toward the SciLi, tour guide Darnell Dowd knew he was about to blow their goddamn minds with the incredible story of the Tetris game that once lit up the entire face of the building. “This Tetris tidbit works like a charm every time,” Dowd said coolly, preparing to drop the bombshell fun fact.

Sophomore Really Getting Off On Giving Advice To Freshmen | Sep 14 2018

As she reclined in her chair and casually spouted tidbits of wisdom for all to hear, sources reported that Sasha Singh ’21 was getting far too much pleasure out of offering guidance to new first years. “She’s enjoying this power imbalance way too much,” complained John Testa ’22, a freshman who asked Singh where the VDub was.

ADOCH Host Gives Visiting Student Authentic Taste of Campus Life By Sexiling Him | Apr 20 2018

While hundreds of admitted students explored campus through ADOCH events this month, one prospective student experienced an authentic glimpse of life at Brown when his ADOCH host sexiled him for the night. “I was on my way back from a concert when my host texted me and asked me to stay clear of the room,” recalled Michael Dimeno, an admitted student who was asked to leave with little explanation on his first night at Brown.

BDH Poll Finds 90 Percent Of Students Don't Want To Be Bothered With Surveys | Apr 20 2018

According to the Brown Daily Herald’s Spring 2018 Poll, the vast majority of undergraduate students don’t want to fill out their survey. “Within a 3 percent margin of error, we found that 9 in 10 students we approached refused to take the poll,” reported poll coordinator Brianne Davis ’19.

New Republican Spending Bill Proposes to Eliminate the Poor | Mar 09 2018

Facing increased pressure to address the federal government’s rapidly rising budget deficit, Congressional Republicans have announced a plan to drastically cut spending by getting rid of all poor people. “With this plan, we are doing away with everyone whose income falls below the poverty line,” Speaker of the House Paul Ryan said enthusiastically.

Student Reading Entire Satirical Article Must Have Some Serious Time To Kill | Dec 01 2017

Upon receiving the latest issue of the Brown Noser, student Cassidy Martinez shocked everyone nearby by actually proceeding to read one of the articles in its entirety. “We all took one to be polite and laughed at a few headlines," said Martinez’s friend, Jackie Walter, "No one has the time to give it much more attention than that.

A Capella Member At Back Totally Strumming Ukulele | Dec 01 2017

After hearing the obvious sound of chords being strummed, students listening to a cappella group the Varsity Arrangements reported that someone in the group had to be playing the ukulele the whole time. “You couldn’t really see for sure because they were all crowded together the way they do,” said Cindy Nguyen, noting that she never actually managed to catch a glimpse of the ukulele.

Freshman Stealing Bananas From Dining Hall Thinks He’s Some Kind Of Master Thief | Dec 01 2017

Peeking over both shoulders to check for witnesses as he hastily shoved four bananas into his backpack, Ben Hastings ’21 fled from the Ratty in a rush on Tuesday feeling as though he’d beaten the Dining Services system yet again. “Another successful heist,” Hastings proudly thought to himself as he nonchalantly speed-walked past a BUDS employee on break who saw the whole thing go down.

Newly Declassified JFK Assassination Documents Reveal Driving President Around In Open-Top Car Is Stupid Idea | Dec 01 2017

After their release last month, newly declassified files on former president John F. Kennedy’s 1963 assassination reveal that driving the President in an open-top car is a stupid idea. The papers summarize an internal FBI investigation that came to this conclusion.

Flickering Streetlight Waits Patiently For Cold Embrace Of Death | Nov 03 2017

Quietly dimming in a slow but relatively painless decline, the streetlight near the Rock-Tree on the main green began to flicker in anticipation of the inevitable end it has long been marching toward. “I’ve done everything I set out to do on this earth," the old lamp thought to itself reassuringly, struggling to remain conscious between fading flashes of its dim glow, "I lit up the sidewalk at night, I attracted bugs.

Angry Commuter Derides Potholes And Roadwork In Same Trip | Nov 03 2017

Jolting the steering wheel aggressively, impatient driver Rob Buckley loudly protested both the poor condition of the roads and the workers fixing the roads during his morning commute on Tuesday. “I’m gonna blow out a tire on this damn road!” Buckley shouted in a sudden burst of anger, adding that he wouldn’t hesitate to sue the Rhode Island Department of Transportation for any damage to his heavily used 2003 Subaru Outback.