“All citizens should cover their face when going out to the grocery store or for walks, but they should make sure to stare soulfully into their lover’s eyes during a romantic meal,” advised CDC spokesperson Dr. Melissa Packham. “Select restaurants will remain open for the purpose of upscale dining in a sultry, dimly lit atmosphere.” Dr. Packham added that the CDC considers tuxedo-clad maître d’s to be essential workers.

“During a pandemic, Americans should avoid stockpiling excessive amounts of groceries," said Dr. Packham. “However, it’s not a bad idea to seek out foods that boost the immune system, like Vitamin C supplements or dark leafy greens. Most importantly, for candlelit dinners, we highly recommend the veal parmesan.”

At press time, the CDC was investigating whether COVID-19 can be transmitted through sharing a single strand of spaghetti like you’re in Lady and the Tramp.