Sunday, May 19, 2024
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The Brown Noser

Kate Van Riper

Editor-in-Chief (Retired)

Kate's articles

Zookeeper Reassures Crowd That Giraffes Also Plagued By Debilitating Ennui In The Wild | May 12 2023

Sources report that local zookeeper Aaron Brunt is reassuring a concerned crowd that giraffes also suffer from a severe, debilitating feeling of ennui in the wild. “Don’t worry, a sense of utter hopelessness is business as usual for these tall fellows!” said Brunt cheerily, ensuring that no onlookers connected the dots between the giraffes’ run-down enclosure and their subdued demeanor.

Governess To Only Speak French To The Children On Tuesdays | May 12 2023

Stepping into the manor’s great hall, sources report that area governess Hilda Brimsworth is to only speak French to the children on Tuesdays. “My good woman, you must impart your knowledge from abroad on the children,” said widowed father Edward Tillings, desperate for the aid of a gentle, yet firm, feminine hand in raising his three young wards.

Graduating Indy Writers Prepare For Harsh Adjustment To Real World’s Capital Letters | May 12 2023

Sources report that the Indy’s senior writers are gearing up for the difficult adjustment into the real world’s usage of capital letters. “i don’t think i’m ready for a big girl job where i have to capitalize my proper nouns,” said writer Grady McPherson, nervous about the impending leap from experimental poetry to coherent sentences with standard punctuation and grammar.

Senior Asking All His Contacts For One Last Hookup Like He Door-Knocking Jehovah’s Witness | May 12 2023

Promptly deleting yet another text, annoyed sources report that graduating senior Jude Brentwood is asking every girl in his contacts for one last hookup with the dedication of a Jehovah’s Witness going door to door. “Hey, miss your cute face :)” texted Brentwood to a girl he last spoke to in 2019 with the boldness of a suit-clad evangelist meeting a new potential convert.

Dean Zia Races To Crochet New Crop Top For Spring Weekend | Apr 14 2023

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I Do So Much For My Family That Sometimes I Feel Like A Martyr by Mom Tying Herself to Spiked Wheel in Roman Circus | Apr 14 2023

Modern motherhood asks women like me to do it all. Every day, I juggle my own career alongside my husband’s work schedule and the daily responsibilities of caring for my three beautiful children. Between meal prep, grocery shopping, driving to extracurricular activities, getting the laundry done, and being displayed for this crowd of cheering Romans on a flaming spiked wheel, I have to admit that I’m starting to feel like a martyr.

Influencer Somehow Has Favorite Brand of Stapler | Apr 14 2023

Tapping through a 51-slide Instagram story, sources report that influencer Della Lowe somehow has an “absolute favorite” brand of stapler. “Guys, I am in LOVE with this Bostitch office stapler. It just glides through packets of up to 40 pages like BUTTERR,” cooed Lowe, who usually sticks to enthusiastic endorsements of multivitamins, brow gels, and caftans.

Museums Still Under Impression That Standing For Long Time Fun | Apr 14 2023

According to area curator Sloane Pendergrath, museums are still under the impression that standing for a long time is fun. “When I design an exhibit, I know visitors prefer to bask in the beauty of the art while their knees lock and the soles of their feet cry out in pain,” noted Pendergrath, meandering through a vast gallery with a single folding chair as the only source of seating.

Stupid Toddler On Easter Putting All His Eggs In One Basket | Apr 14 2023

Sources report that this Easter, area toddler Hayden Green is foolishly putting all of his eggs in one basket. “What a bonehead, stacking up his candy-filled plastic assets like that,” commented family friend Michael McBride, unable to understand how Green could be so utterly shortsighted as he watched the three-year-old participate in his family’s annual egg hunt.

Unclear If Doctor’s Hand Wet or Just Cold | Apr 14 2023

Flinching on the examination table, sources report that it is up for debate whether area doctor Linda Johnson’s hand is wet, or just cold. “Don’t worry about it, your hands feel fine!” patient Kendra Bunch reassured her doctor, recoiling from Dr.

Landlord Generously Offers Tenant Learning Opportunity to Fix Own Toilet | Feb 18 2023

Sources report that area landlord Harold Pottsman has kindly offered his tenants the educational experience of repairing their own toilet. “A wise man once said, necessity is the mother of invention,” mused Pottsman, eager to share the pedagogical motivations behind his decision to not pay for an actual plumber.

Man Chewing Salad Like He Prize Heifer Grazing in Pasture | Feb 18 2023

Sources report that area man Freddy Bunch is working his way through a large kale salad like a prize heifer grazing in a grassy meadow. “I’ve been eating this salad for almost an hour now,” noted Bunch, grinding the fibrous leaves between his teeth and vacantly staring into the distance like a cow methodically chewing its cud.

Mom Carefully Selecting Blurry Double-Chinned Photo of You for Facebook Post | Feb 18 2023

Sources report that your mom is thoughtfully selecting a blurry, double-chinned photo of you for an upcoming Facebook post. “So proud of this one as she heads off to her semester abroad!” wrote your mom, cropping the photo so that your double chin was even more central to the image.

Worker Bee Actually Rugged Individualist | Feb 18 2023

Sources report that unconventional worker bee Gregory Buzzer is a rugged individualist. “I can’t stand all the ‘hive’ bullshit,” Buzzer said, perched next to his cabinet of canned food preserved for himself and himself alone. “Anyone who actually depends on these bureaucratic idiots for their bread and butter must be out of their mind.” “No one ever became a CEO by sitting on their ass and following orders,” added Buzzer, brainstorming ways to evade his royal jelly taxes this year.

Mom Avidly Texting You Human Trafficking News About Your Spring Break Destination | Feb 18 2023

Though you have already booked your spring break trip and paid in full, sources report that your mom is diligently sending you news stories about human trafficking in your destination. “An interesting read!” texted your mother, attaching an article with the headline “THREE FOUND DEAD ON TROPICAL BEACH.” “Would pack some pepper spray if I were you.” “Poor woman,” your mom wrote in a second text accompanying a video titled “STUDENT KIDNAPPED FROM LOCAL BAR.” “Maybe ask someone’s boyfriend to come to the resort with you girls for safety??” “This might be why your flight was so cheap!” added your mom, helpfully including a statistical breakdown of violent crime in the area surrounding your hotel.

Health Services To Treat Flu With Trips To Shore For Rousing Sea Air | Feb 18 2023

Gathering their wispy hair into a delicate chignon, students suffering from the flu report that Health Services is treating their illness with visits to the seaside for the bracing sea breeze. “A change of air is simply what I require,” murmured sophomore Anne Mansfield from her sickbed, forlornly gazing out of her frosty window and placing her hand on her wan cheek.

Couple Sharing Three Week Anniversary Update Like Their Relationship Bacterial Colony In Lab | Feb 18 2023

Posting multiple slides to their respective Instagram stories, area couple Violet Garrity and Ben Ruess are sharing about their three week anniversary as if their relationship is a bacterial colony monitored by a lab. “This cutie has made me feel like a princess for the last 21 days,” wrote Garrity as if she were recording qualitative observations about bacterial development over a specified time period.

Shitty Cartoon Desert Lacks Lone Skull Placed in Foreground | Feb 18 2023

Sources report that a shitty cartoon desert doesn’t have a lone skull placed in its foreground. “I don’t know how I’m supposed to understand that this desert is a barren, desolate place without an animal skull mixed in with the cacti,” said viewer of the cartoon Murphy Milligan, wondering if the setting depicted was just a sandy parking lot in Las Vegas.

Shitty Cartoon Desert Lacks Lone Skull Placed in Foreground | Feb 18 2023

Sources report that a shitty cartoon desert doesn’t have a lone skull placed in its foreground. “I don’t know how I’m supposed to understand that this desert is a barren, desolate place without an animal skull mixed in with the cacti,” said viewer of the cartoon Murphy Milligan, wondering if the setting depicted was just a sandy parking lot in Las Vegas.

Meanest Girl In Your High School Thinks You’re So Brave for Being Yourself | Dec 16 2022

Scrutinizing your outfit up and down, the meanest girl in your high school wants you to know that you’re so brave for being yourself. “I love how you just don’t care what other people think,” said meanest girl Gretchen Browning, emphasizing how incredible it was that you had the courage to leave the house like that.

Painful Party Much More Painful After Introduction of Cards Against Humanity | Dec 16 2022

Awkwardly sitting on the host’s living room carpet, sources report that an excruciatingly painful party has only become more painful after someone brought out Cards Against Humanity. “It’s bad enough that I barely know most of these people, but now I have to listen to them make jokes about unicorn threesomes and Ronald Reagan’s nipples,” said attendee Wendy Welch, already brainstorming excuses to quietly leave before she had to be “judge.” “I think the guy next to me is cracking up just because his card has the word ‘gloryhole’ on it.” “Some of them are taking this really seriously,” added Welch as two people got into a heated debate about whether “tentacle porn” or “tasteful sideboob” should have won the last round.

Report: President Paxson’s Husband Unnervingly Ripped | Dec 16 2022

Campus sources report that President Christina Paxson’s husband is alarmingly muscular. “He’s gotta have, like, one percent body fat,” marveled junior Nora Patterson as she attended one of his lectures at the Watson Institute. “And his face is so chiseled, like a marble statue.” “I can’t look away—his muscles are just so uniquely defined!” added Patterson, unable to focus on Paxson’s husband’s contributions to the field of public policy.

Fan Explaining that Taylor Swift Secretly Lesbian with Zeal of Evangelical Preacher | Dec 16 2022

Sources report that area Swiftie Kelly O’Brien is explaining that Taylor Swift is a secret lesbian with the conviction of a fire-and-brimstone evangelical preacher. “It’s absolutely impossible to deny that she’s dated women,” asserted O’Brien, slapping her Fearless: Platinum Edition CD like it was the Good Book.

A Capella Group Under Impression Their Show’s Tickets Have Monetary Value | Oct 31 2022

Begrudgingly pulling out their wallets, annoyed sources report that Brown Uni- versity a capella group Bearly Harmonic is under the impression that tickets to their upcoming show have monetary value. “Hey there, are you interested in attending the a capella show of the semester for just $5?” called member Sammy Garth from across the Main Green, utterly convinced that passersby would pay to listen to poorly arranged hip hop covers.

Freshman Friend Group Frantically Brainstorming 19-Person Costume | Oct 31 2022

As Halloweekend approaches, a freshman friend group is desperately trying to come up with a 19-person group costume. “Maybe we could go as the cast of Gossip Girl, but like also the characters who only had a one-episode storyline,” suggested leader of the group Renee Crinkle, certain that these 19 people would be her best friends for the rest of college.

Underground To Accept Spoken Word About Your Mother as Currency | Oct 31 2022

Nodding their heads in appreciation and snapping when they hear something they like, sources report that student-run coffee shop The Underground is accepting spoken word about your mother as currency. “Your oat latte is either $6.75 or a two-to-five minute performance detailing how your mother used to tenderly braid your hair, but stopped when you turned thirteen,” said barista Greer Buckles, preparing a microphone for the impromptu poetry slam.

Trader Joe’s Trying To Convince You That Pumpkin Spice Calamari A Thing | Oct 31 2022

Sources report from the frozen aisle that Trader Joe’s is trying to convince you that pumpkin spice calamari is a thing. “Mmm...bite into an autumnal taste of the seashore!” read the Trader Joe’s pack- aging, asserting that pumpkin spice cala- mari was a perfectly normal food item to consume.

Shitty Werewolf Has Pretty Average Libido | Oct 31 2022

Sources report that area werewolf Adolphus Shadow has a pretty average libido. “Every girlfriend I’ve ever been with expects me to be raring to go every day, but I’m more of a 2-3 times a week kind of guy,” said Shadow, expressing his medium level of interest in ravishing buxom women by the light of the moon.

Sophomore Giving Advice To Freshman Like He Wizened Monk Atop Mountain | Sep 16 2022

Sources report that sophomore Brian Frisk is offering advice to a freshman like a wizened monk sitting atop a mountain. “Well, you should explore plenty of classes during shopping period,” said Frisk with the gravitas of an ancient spiritual guide who has spent his life in a state of isolated contemplation.

Eager Freshman Tightens Suspenders, Shines Shoes, Polishes Apple For First Day | Sep 16 2022

Sources report that area freshman Douglas Reed is tightening his suspenders, shining his brand-new shoes, and polishing a big red apple for his first day of class. “Golly gee, I sure am looking forward to my very first day,” said Reed, combing his hair into a slick middle part.

Freshman Seeking Entrance To Crew Party Like Haggard Beggar Seeking Shelter From Storm | Sep 16 2022

Late last night, a knock on the door to the crew house revealed freshman Nick Angler seeking entrance to a party like a beggar hoping for shelter from a storm. “Um, so are you guys full in there?” asked Angler, eyes imploring the senior manning the door like a battered vagabond hoping for a warm meal and a bed by the hearth for the evening.

Nation’s Little Boys Announce Plans To Show You How High They Can Jump | Sep 16 2022

Wiping their hands on their monster truck t-shirts, the nation’s little boys recently announced plans to show you how high they can jump. “Are you watching? Are you watching? It doesn’t count if you aren’t watching!” said the little boys, bright red with sweat and excitement.

Girl Combing Through Crush’s Venmo History Like Archeologist Sifting Through Remains | Sep 16 2022

Sources report that area woman Shelly Reyes is on her sixth hour of combing through her crush’s public Venmo transactions like she is an archeologist examining precious remains. “I see here that in 2017 he sent someone named ‘Maddy’ an emoji of a movie ticket,” reported Reyes with the attention to detail of an excavator cataloging priceless artifacts.

Finance Recruiters Seeking Applicants With Drive, Passion, Top Hat, Monocle | Sep 16 2022

A team of recruiters for investment banking firm Goldman Sachs has advertised their need for future employees with drive, passion, a top hat, and a monocle. “We’re looking for a certain kind of team player,” said head of recruitment Trent West, envisioning a new batch of young talent smoking cigars around a roaring fire.

Freshman Savoring Blue Raspberry Vodka Like It Fine Bordeaux Wine | Sep 16 2022

Sources report that first-year Alexa Greenwald is savoring her plastic cup of blue raspberry vodka as if it’s an aged wine from the Bordeaux region of France. “I chose this 2022 Svedka for its dry, yet fruity, profile,” remarked Greenwald with the authority of a master sommelier.

Dog Really Beelining For Your Crotch | Dec 03 2021

Sources report that your friend Stacy’s dog is really beelining for your crotch. “Sorry, Coco just gets excited by new people,” said Stacy as the large golden retriever intently thrust its wet nose towards the crotch of your jeans. “She’s like this with everyone!” “Come on inside!” added Stacy, making no effort to stop her dog from charging between your legs and sticking its face in your crotch.

Timothée Chalamet To Portray Sexy Pig In Upcoming Babe Remake | Dec 03 2021

According to a recent press release, Timothée Chalamet will portray a sexy version of orphaned pig Babe in an upcoming remake of the childhood classic. “After Timothée’s smashing success as a thirst-trap Willy Wonka, I knew he was perfect for the role of Babe,” said the film’s director Thurston Mills, retweeting images of Chalamet highlighting his striking bone structure and convincing prosthetic snout.

BDH Publishes Eye-Opening Exposé On How Many Days Till Christmas | Dec 03 2021

In a recent exposé, the Brown Daily Herald shed light on how many days are left until Christmas. “I’m impressed by the Herald’s commitment to asking hard questions, like how many days are there before I get to open presents?” said BDH reader Jeffrey Matthews ’22, flipping his newspaper open to a helpful calendar with a bold red circle around December 25th.

Elizabeth Holmes Petitions Judge For Revolutionarily Tiny Drop Of Jail Time | Dec 03 2021

Facing over a dozen federal fraud charges, Elizabeth Holmes, the disgraced CEO of failed blood-testing startup Theranos, has petitioned the judge for a revolutionarily tiny drop of jail time. “I’ve always been afraid of getting sentenced to prison because it’s no fun to take a big, scary amount of jail time,” pitched Holmes, fixing her unblinking stare on the judge and adjusting her black turtleneck.

Newborn Lamb Sick Of Being Typecast As Symbol Of Spring, Rebirth | Apr 09 2021

Newborn lamb Downy McPhee is tired of being typecast as a symbol of spring and rebirth. “I may be freshly out of the womb, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be given roles with more gravitas,” said McPhee, adorably yawning in a field of blooming daffodils.

Shitty Widow Barely Takes Any Walks | Apr 09 2021

Sources report that shitty widow Margaret Hastings barely takes any walks. “I don’t get how you can be a widow and not go on a somber stroll once in a while,” said Hastings’ neighbor Anthony Arbuckle, lamenting Hastings’ failures as a bereaved spouse.

Study By Masterpiece Theatre Finds That 85% Of Charming British Seaside Towns Also Hotbeds Of Grisly Murder | Apr 09 2021

A recent study conducted by Masterpiece Theatre found that 85% of charming British seaside towns are also hotbeds of grisly murder. “Our researchers have concluded that the presence of a run-down lighthouse by the shore and a quaint main street drastically increases the chances of a gory murder happening nearby,” said lead data analyst at Masterpiece Theater Richard Winterbottom, solemnly relaying his sobering findings.

Renaissance Faire Internship Offers Generous Stipend Of One-And-Twenty Ducats | Apr 09 2021

A local Renaissance faire recently posted a summer opportunity offering prospective interns a generous stipend of one-and-twenty ducats. “Hear ye, hear ye, fair youths seeking gainful apprenticeships in the midsummer season,” read a large vellum poster fastened onto tree trunks about town.

It Would Probably Be A Public Health Hazard If We DIDN’T Hook Up Right Now by Guy in Your Pod | Mar 12 2021

Hey, it’s been pretty cool hanging out with our pod every weekend. I know you take COVID seriously; I do too. According to CDC guidelines, it minimizes your risk to have a tight pod of people who you socialize with. So I think it would be the safest option for everyone if we hooked up right now.

POINT: I Come To Seminar To Appreciate All Different Points Of View And Learn From My Peers! / COUNTERPOINT: I Really Wish That One Guy Would Shut The Fuck Up | Mar 12 2021

POINT: I come to seminar to appreciate all different points of view and learn from my peers! By Theodore McCrae, 9:00am I chose a liberal arts institution like Brown because it excites me intellectually to hear opinions from all different kinds of people.

Area First-Year Developing Pod Of 5-7 People Closest To Him In Ratty Line | Feb 05 2021

In accordance with the University’s recommendations, area first year David Sweeting is developing a pod with the 5-7 people closest to him in line for the Ratty. “Forming my pod is not a decision I take lightly,” said Sweeting, inching towards the guy spaced six feet in front of him and preparing to strike up a conversation.

Democrats Storm Capitol Armed With Military-Grade Thinkpieces And Explosively Worded Instagram Stories | Feb 05 2021

In response to January’s attack on the Capitol by a mob of Trump supporters, Democrats have stormed Washington D.C. armed with military-grade thinkpieces and explosively worded Instagram stories. “Enough is enough,” said Andrea Cooper, leading the respectfully organized procession of Democrats towards the Capitol steps.

“Well, Well, Well, You’ve Fallen Right Into My Little Trap,” Mutters Dean Zia From Bushes Of Whiskey Republic | Oct 30 2020

Dean of the College Rashid Zia was spotted crouching in the bushes outside Whiskey Republic, muttering “Well, well, well, you’ve fallen right into my little trap” to a group of Brown students violating the University’s COVID regulations. “I’ve been waiting to pounce all night long,” murmured Dean Zia under his breath, lowering his binoculars and preparing to approach the students with formal warnings.

Overeager Safewalker Escorts Student From Room To Shower | Oct 30 2020

Eagerly devoting himself to his job, Safewalker Andrew Hardtke bravely offered to walk a student from their dorm’s doorway to the shower down the hall. “While students may not be walking to late-night parties anymore, I’m taking my job as a Safewalker more seriously than ever this semester," said Hardtke, adjusting his reflective vest under the dorm’s fluorescent lights.

Trump Proposes Replacing Corrupt Voting-By-Mail With Secure Voting-By-Facebook-Ad | Oct 30 2020

In a recent statement from the White House, President Trump proposed that all mail-in ballots be replaced with a more secure ballot embedded in a Facebook ad. “Voter fraud is a serious problem, and mail-in ballots only make it worse,” said White House press secretary Kayleigh McEnany, emphasizing that thousands of mail ballots — if not hundreds of thousands — are completely fake.

RISD Issues Masks Printed With Aloof Pouts | Sep 25 2020

In preparation for a safe return to campus, RISD has issued masks printed with aloof pouts to their entire student body. “We wanted to ensure that our students will still be able to convey that they’re so over it all even though their faces must be covered,” explained RISD president Rosanne Somerson, displaying the curled lip and slight frown printed on all official RISD masks.

Drinking Alone in Dorm Instead of Childhood Bedroom Clearly Worth $9,700 | Sep 25 2020

Brown University students have reported that drinking alone in a dorm instead of their childhood bedroom is clearly worth the year’s residential living fee of about $9,700. “My parents didn’t think it was worth the money for me to come back to campus,” said junior Melissa Davies, who plans to stock up at High Spirits before starting quarantine at Brown.

“I Just Can’t Focus During Zoom Classes,” Reports Area Woman Who Spent All In-Person Lectures On Facebook | Sep 25 2020

Area woman Andrea Waddell, who spent all her in-person lectures last year scrolling through Facebook, reported that she has struggled with a total lack of focus during her Zoom classes. “It’s not healthy to be looking at a screen for that long,” Waddell said, ignoring the fact that she stared at her laptop screen nonstop during all classes she attended before the pandemic began.

Abstinence-Only RPL Plans To Stock Door With Promise Rings | Apr 24 2020

Newly assigned Residential Peer Leader Tabitha Davies recently announced her plans to stock her dorm’s door with promise rings. “My door will be a judgment-free space for students to start practicing the only 100% effective birth control method: abstinence!” said Davies, currently a sophomore.

CDC Cautions Against All Non-Essential Gatherings, Endorses Intimate Candlelit Dinners For Two | Apr 24 2020

In a recent statement, a spokesperson from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention urged Americans to stay at home, to remain six feet apart from other people at all times, and to cancel all non-essential events, but endorsed intimate candlelit dinners for two.

New Tablecloths The Finishing Touch On Sumptuous, Bespoke Ratty Dining Experience | Mar 06 2020

Sources report that in January, the Ratty’s addition of white tablecloths to many tables provided a finishing touch to the establishment’s sumptuous, bespoke dining experience. “When I head to the Ratty, I expect to be wined and dined,” said Henry Covington ’23.

December BDH Issue Features Hard-Hitting Holiday Word Search | Dec 06 2019

In an unprecedented display of journalistic prowess, the latest issue of the Brown Daily Herald featured a hard-hitting holiday word search. “As a journalist, I believe that words have power," BDH senior staff writer Rupert Smith said of his piece.

Student Who Drank Coffee To Be Productive Now Just Shakily Online Shopping | Dec 06 2019

After drinking a large black coffee with the intent of being productive, Melanie Schwartz instead started online shopping while violently trembling. “I’m not usually a big coffee drinker, but I have so much to get done today,” Schwartz said, scrolling through 14 pages of clearance sundresses on urbanoutfitters.com with a visible tremor.

Badass Freshman Briefly Considers Taking Condom From RPL’s Door | Dec 06 2019

While heading back to his Jameson dorm room, total badass freshman Mark Travisano paused and considered taking a condom from the paper pocket on his RPL’s door. “Hm, I guess it couldn’t hurt to grab a few,” Travisano thought to himself, a testament to his utterly hardcore attitude.

Dean Of The College Rashid Zia Materializes As Student Chants “Open Curriculum” Into Bathroom Mirror | Oct 25 2019

Freshman Jennifer Williams has reported a sighting of Dean Rashid Zia after she chanted “Open Curriculum” into an Archibald bathroom mirror. Legend has it that every year, on the anniversary of the Open Curriculum, Dean Zia can be summoned using this mysterious ritual.

Student Hopes Fourth Lap Around Ratty Might Yield New Menu Choices | Oct 25 2019

As she power walked past the coffee station, first year Megan Smith hoped that her fourth lap around the Ratty might reveal some new menu choices. “Maybe the fries have gotten less soggy in the last few minutes?” Smith said. “Or I kinda zoned out in my first three passes by Roots and Shoots.

Baby Could Probably Walk If He Had More Of A Growth Mindset | Oct 25 2019

According to his mother, local baby Brandon Baker could probably learn to walk if he had more of a growth mindset. “Initially, I had a good feeling about Brandon’s work ethic when I noticed the hours of tummy-time he puts in,” Brandon’s mother said.