Newly assigned Residential Peer Leader Tabitha Davies recently announced her plans to stock her dorm’s door with promise rings.
“My door will be a judgment-free space for students to start practicing the only 100% effective birth control method: abstinence!” said Davies, currently a sophomore.
In a recent statement, a spokesperson from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention urged Americans to stay at home, to remain six feet apart from other people at all times, and to cancel all non-essential events, but endorsed intimate candlelit dinners for two.
Sources report that in January, the Ratty’s addition of white tablecloths to many tables provided a finishing touch to the establishment’s sumptuous, bespoke dining experience.
“When I head to the Ratty, I expect to be wined and dined,” said Henry Covington ’23.
In an unprecedented display of journalistic prowess, the latest issue of the Brown Daily Herald featured a hard-hitting holiday word search.
“As a journalist, I believe that words have power," BDH senior staff writer Rupert Smith said of his piece.
After drinking a large black coffee with the intent of being productive, Melanie Schwartz instead started online shopping while violently trembling.
“I’m not usually a big coffee drinker, but I have so much to get done today,” Schwartz said, scrolling through 14 pages of clearance sundresses on urbanoutfitters.com with a visible tremor.
While heading back to his Jameson dorm room, total badass freshman Mark Travisano paused and considered taking a condom from the paper pocket on his RPL’s door.
“Hm, I guess it couldn’t hurt to grab a few,” Travisano thought to himself, a testament to his utterly hardcore attitude.
Freshman Jennifer Williams has reported a sighting of Dean Rashid Zia after she chanted “Open Curriculum” into an Archibald bathroom mirror. Legend has it that every year, on the anniversary of the Open Curriculum, Dean Zia can be summoned using this mysterious ritual.
As she power walked past the coffee station, first year Megan Smith hoped that her fourth lap around the Ratty might reveal some new menu choices.
“Maybe the fries have gotten less soggy in the last few minutes?” Smith said. “Or I kinda zoned out in my first three passes by Roots and Shoots.
According to his mother, local baby Brandon Baker could probably learn to walk if he had more of a growth mindset.
“Initially, I had a good feeling about Brandon’s work ethic when I noticed the hours of tummy-time he puts in,” Brandon’s mother said.