Monday, December 6, 2021
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The Brown Noser

Kate Van Riper

Writer

Kate's articles

Dog Really Beelining For Your Crotch | Dec 03 2021

Sources report that your friend Stacy’s dog is really beelining for your crotch. “Sorry, Coco just gets excited by new people,” said Stacy as the large golden retriever intently thrust its wet nose towards the crotch of your jeans. “She’s like this with everyone!” “Come on inside!” added Stacy, making no effort to stop her dog from charging between your legs and sticking its face in your crotch.

Timothée Chalamet To Portray Sexy Pig In Upcoming Babe Remake | Dec 03 2021

According to a recent press release, Timothée Chalamet will portray a sexy version of orphaned pig Babe in an upcoming remake of the childhood classic. “After Timothée’s smashing success as a thirst-trap Willy Wonka, I knew he was perfect for the role of Babe,” said the film’s director Thurston Mills, retweeting images of Chalamet highlighting his striking bone structure and convincing prosthetic snout.

BDH Publishes Eye-Opening Exposé On How Many Days Till Christmas | Dec 03 2021

In a recent exposé, the Brown Daily Herald shed light on how many days are left until Christmas. “I’m impressed by the Herald’s commitment to asking hard questions, like how many days are there before I get to open presents?” said BDH reader Jeffrey Matthews ’22, flipping his newspaper open to a helpful calendar with a bold red circle around December 25th.

Elizabeth Holmes Petitions Judge For Revolutionarily Tiny Drop Of Jail Time | Dec 03 2021

Facing over a dozen federal fraud charges, Elizabeth Holmes, the disgraced CEO of failed blood-testing startup Theranos, has petitioned the judge for a revolutionarily tiny drop of jail time. “I’ve always been afraid of getting sentenced to prison because it’s no fun to take a big, scary amount of jail time,” pitched Holmes, fixing her unblinking stare on the judge and adjusting her black turtleneck.

Newborn Lamb Sick Of Being Typecast As Symbol Of Spring, Rebirth | Apr 09 2021

Newborn lamb Downy McPhee is tired of being typecast as a symbol of spring and rebirth. “I may be freshly out of the womb, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be given roles with more gravitas,” said McPhee, adorably yawning in a field of blooming daffodils.

Shitty Widow Barely Takes Any Walks | Apr 09 2021

Sources report that shitty widow Margaret Hastings barely takes any walks. “I don’t get how you can be a widow and not go on a somber stroll once in a while,” said Hastings’ neighbor Anthony Arbuckle, lamenting Hastings’ failures as a bereaved spouse.

Study By Masterpiece Theatre Finds That 85% Of Charming British Seaside Towns Also Hotbeds Of Grisly Murder | Apr 09 2021

A recent study conducted by Masterpiece Theatre found that 85% of charming British seaside towns are also hotbeds of grisly murder. “Our researchers have concluded that the presence of a run-down lighthouse by the shore and a quaint main street drastically increases the chances of a gory murder happening nearby,” said lead data analyst at Masterpiece Theater Richard Winterbottom, solemnly relaying his sobering findings.

Renaissance Faire Internship Offers Generous Stipend Of One-And-Twenty Ducats | Apr 09 2021

A local Renaissance faire recently posted a summer opportunity offering prospective interns a generous stipend of one-and-twenty ducats. “Hear ye, hear ye, fair youths seeking gainful apprenticeships in the midsummer season,” read a large vellum poster fastened onto tree trunks about town.

It Would Probably Be A Public Health Hazard If We DIDN’T Hook Up Right Now by Guy in Your Pod | Mar 12 2021

Hey, it’s been pretty cool hanging out with our pod every weekend. I know you take COVID seriously; I do too. According to CDC guidelines, it minimizes your risk to have a tight pod of people who you socialize with. So I think it would be the safest option for everyone if we hooked up right now.

POINT: I Come To Seminar To Appreciate All Different Points Of View And Learn From My Peers! / COUNTERPOINT: I Really Wish That One Guy Would Shut The Fuck Up | Mar 12 2021

POINT: I come to seminar to appreciate all different points of view and learn from my peers! By Theodore McCrae, 9:00am I chose a liberal arts institution like Brown because it excites me intellectually to hear opinions from all different kinds of people.

Area First-Year Developing Pod Of 5-7 People Closest To Him In Ratty Line | Feb 05 2021

In accordance with the University’s recommendations, area first year David Sweeting is developing a pod with the 5-7 people closest to him in line for the Ratty. “Forming my pod is not a decision I take lightly,” said Sweeting, inching towards the guy spaced six feet in front of him and preparing to strike up a conversation.

Democrats Storm Capitol Armed With Military-Grade Thinkpieces And Explosively Worded Instagram Stories | Feb 05 2021

In response to January’s attack on the Capitol by a mob of Trump supporters, Democrats have stormed Washington D.C. armed with military-grade thinkpieces and explosively worded Instagram stories. “Enough is enough,” said Andrea Cooper, leading the respectfully organized procession of Democrats towards the Capitol steps.

“Well, Well, Well, You’ve Fallen Right Into My Little Trap,” Mutters Dean Zia From Bushes Of Whiskey Republic | Oct 30 2020

Dean of the College Rashid Zia was spotted crouching in the bushes outside Whiskey Republic, muttering “Well, well, well, you’ve fallen right into my little trap” to a group of Brown students violating the University’s COVID regulations. “I’ve been waiting to pounce all night long,” murmured Dean Zia under his breath, lowering his binoculars and preparing to approach the students with formal warnings.

Overeager Safewalker Escorts Student From Room To Shower | Oct 30 2020

Eagerly devoting himself to his job, Safewalker Andrew Hardtke bravely offered to walk a student from their dorm’s doorway to the shower down the hall. “While students may not be walking to late-night parties anymore, I’m taking my job as a Safewalker more seriously than ever this semester," said Hardtke, adjusting his reflective vest under the dorm’s fluorescent lights.

Trump Proposes Replacing Corrupt Voting-By-Mail With Secure Voting-By-Facebook-Ad | Oct 30 2020

In a recent statement from the White House, President Trump proposed that all mail-in ballots be replaced with a more secure ballot embedded in a Facebook ad. “Voter fraud is a serious problem, and mail-in ballots only make it worse,” said White House press secretary Kayleigh McEnany, emphasizing that thousands of mail ballots — if not hundreds of thousands — are completely fake.

RISD Issues Masks Printed With Aloof Pouts | Sep 25 2020

In preparation for a safe return to campus, RISD has issued masks printed with aloof pouts to their entire student body. “We wanted to ensure that our students will still be able to convey that they’re so over it all even though their faces must be covered,” explained RISD president Rosanne Somerson, displaying the curled lip and slight frown printed on all official RISD masks.

Drinking Alone in Dorm Instead of Childhood Bedroom Clearly Worth $9,700 | Sep 25 2020

Brown University students have reported that drinking alone in a dorm instead of their childhood bedroom is clearly worth the year’s residential living fee of about $9,700. “My parents didn’t think it was worth the money for me to come back to campus,” said junior Melissa Davies, who plans to stock up at High Spirits before starting quarantine at Brown.

“I Just Can’t Focus During Zoom Classes,” Reports Area Woman Who Spent All In-Person Lectures On Facebook | Sep 25 2020

Area woman Andrea Waddell, who spent all her in-person lectures last year scrolling through Facebook, reported that she has struggled with a total lack of focus during her Zoom classes. “It’s not healthy to be looking at a screen for that long,” Waddell said, ignoring the fact that she stared at her laptop screen nonstop during all classes she attended before the pandemic began.

Abstinence-Only RPL Plans To Stock Door With Promise Rings | Apr 24 2020

Newly assigned Residential Peer Leader Tabitha Davies recently announced her plans to stock her dorm’s door with promise rings. “My door will be a judgment-free space for students to start practicing the only 100% effective birth control method: abstinence!” said Davies, currently a sophomore.

CDC Cautions Against All Non-Essential Gatherings, Endorses Intimate Candlelit Dinners For Two | Apr 24 2020

In a recent statement, a spokesperson from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention urged Americans to stay at home, to remain six feet apart from other people at all times, and to cancel all non-essential events, but endorsed intimate candlelit dinners for two.

New Tablecloths The Finishing Touch On Sumptuous, Bespoke Ratty Dining Experience | Mar 06 2020

Sources report that in January, the Ratty’s addition of white tablecloths to many tables provided a finishing touch to the establishment’s sumptuous, bespoke dining experience. “When I head to the Ratty, I expect to be wined and dined,” said Henry Covington ’23.

December BDH Issue Features Hard-Hitting Holiday Word Search | Dec 06 2019

In an unprecedented display of journalistic prowess, the latest issue of the Brown Daily Herald featured a hard-hitting holiday word search. “As a journalist, I believe that words have power," BDH senior staff writer Rupert Smith said of his piece.

Student Who Drank Coffee To Be Productive Now Just Shakily Online Shopping | Dec 06 2019

After drinking a large black coffee with the intent of being productive, Melanie Schwartz instead started online shopping while violently trembling. “I’m not usually a big coffee drinker, but I have so much to get done today,” Schwartz said, scrolling through 14 pages of clearance sundresses on urbanoutfitters.com with a visible tremor.

Badass Freshman Briefly Considers Taking Condom From RPL’s Door | Dec 06 2019

While heading back to his Jameson dorm room, total badass freshman Mark Travisano paused and considered taking a condom from the paper pocket on his RPL’s door. “Hm, I guess it couldn’t hurt to grab a few,” Travisano thought to himself, a testament to his utterly hardcore attitude.

Dean Of The College Rashid Zia Materializes As Student Chants “Open Curriculum” Into Bathroom Mirror | Oct 25 2019

Freshman Jennifer Williams has reported a sighting of Dean Rashid Zia after she chanted “Open Curriculum” into an Archibald bathroom mirror. Legend has it that every year, on the anniversary of the Open Curriculum, Dean Zia can be summoned using this mysterious ritual.

Student Hopes Fourth Lap Around Ratty Might Yield New Menu Choices | Oct 25 2019

As she power walked past the coffee station, first year Megan Smith hoped that her fourth lap around the Ratty might reveal some new menu choices. “Maybe the fries have gotten less soggy in the last few minutes?” Smith said. “Or I kinda zoned out in my first three passes by Roots and Shoots.

Baby Could Probably Walk If He Had More Of A Growth Mindset | Oct 25 2019

According to his mother, local baby Brandon Baker could probably learn to walk if he had more of a growth mindset. “Initially, I had a good feeling about Brandon’s work ethic when I noticed the hours of tummy-time he puts in,” Brandon’s mother said.