Thursday, May 28, 2020
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The Brown Noser

Kate Van Riper


Kate's articles

Abstinence-Only RPL Plans To Stock Door With Promise Rings | Apr 24 2020

Newly assigned Residential Peer Leader Tabitha Davies recently announced her plans to stock her dorm’s door with promise rings. “My door will be a judgment-free space for students to start practicing the only 100% effective birth control method: abstinence!” said Davies, currently a sophomore.

CDC Cautions Against All Non-Essential Gatherings, Endorses Intimate Candlelit Dinners For Two | Apr 24 2020

In a recent statement, a spokesperson from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention urged Americans to stay at home, to remain six feet apart from other people at all times, and to cancel all non-essential events, but endorsed intimate candlelit dinners for two.

New Tablecloths The Finishing Touch On Sumptuous, Bespoke Ratty Dining Experience | Mar 06 2020

Sources report that in January, the Ratty’s addition of white tablecloths to many tables provided a finishing touch to the establishment’s sumptuous, bespoke dining experience. “When I head to the Ratty, I expect to be wined and dined,” said Henry Covington ’23.

December BDH Issue Features Hard-Hitting Holiday Word Search | Dec 06 2019

In an unprecedented display of journalistic prowess, the latest issue of the Brown Daily Herald featured a hard-hitting holiday word search. “As a journalist, I believe that words have power," BDH senior staff writer Rupert Smith said of his piece.

Student Who Drank Coffee To Be Productive Now Just Shakily Online Shopping | Dec 06 2019

After drinking a large black coffee with the intent of being productive, Melanie Schwartz instead started online shopping while violently trembling. “I’m not usually a big coffee drinker, but I have so much to get done today,” Schwartz said, scrolling through 14 pages of clearance sundresses on with a visible tremor.

Badass Freshman Briefly Considers Taking Condom From RPL’s Door | Dec 06 2019

While heading back to his Jameson dorm room, total badass freshman Mark Travisano paused and considered taking a condom from the paper pocket on his RPL’s door. “Hm, I guess it couldn’t hurt to grab a few,” Travisano thought to himself, a testament to his utterly hardcore attitude.

Dean Of The College Rashid Zia Materializes As Student Chants “Open Curriculum” Into Bathroom Mirror | Oct 25 2019

Freshman Jennifer Williams has reported a sighting of Dean Rashid Zia after she chanted “Open Curriculum” into an Archibald bathroom mirror. Legend has it that every year, on the anniversary of the Open Curriculum, Dean Zia can be summoned using this mysterious ritual.

Student Hopes Fourth Lap Around Ratty Might Yield New Menu Choices | Oct 25 2019

As she power walked past the coffee station, first year Megan Smith hoped that her fourth lap around the Ratty might reveal some new menu choices. “Maybe the fries have gotten less soggy in the last few minutes?” Smith said. “Or I kinda zoned out in my first three passes by Roots and Shoots.

Baby Could Probably Walk If He Had More Of A Growth Mindset | Oct 25 2019

According to his mother, local baby Brandon Baker could probably learn to walk if he had more of a growth mindset. “Initially, I had a good feeling about Brandon’s work ethic when I noticed the hours of tummy-time he puts in,” Brandon’s mother said.