Dean of the College Rashid Zia was spotted crouching in the bushes outside Whiskey Republic, muttering “Well, well, well, you’ve fallen right into my little trap” to a group of Brown students violating the University’s COVID regulations.
“I’ve been waiting to pounce all night long,” murmured Dean Zia under his breath, lowering his binoculars and preparing to approach the students with formal warnings.
Eagerly devoting himself to his job, Safewalker Andrew Hardtke bravely offered to walk a student from their dorm’s doorway to the shower down the hall.
“While students may not be walking to late-night parties anymore, I’m taking my job as a Safewalker more seriously than ever this semester," said Hardtke, adjusting his reflective vest under the dorm’s fluorescent lights.
In a recent statement from the White House, President Trump proposed that all mail-in ballots be replaced with a more secure ballot embedded in a Facebook ad.
“Voter fraud is a serious problem, and mail-in ballots only make it worse,” said White House press secretary Kayleigh McEnany, emphasizing that thousands of mail ballots — if not hundreds of thousands — are completely fake.
In preparation for a safe return to campus, RISD has issued masks printed with aloof pouts to their entire student body.
“We wanted to ensure that our students will still be able to convey that they’re so over it all even though their faces must be covered,” explained RISD president Rosanne Somerson, displaying the curled lip and slight frown printed on all official RISD masks.
Brown University students have reported that drinking alone in a dorm instead of their childhood bedroom is clearly worth the year’s residential living fee of about $9,700.
“My parents didn’t think it was worth the money for me to come back to campus,” said junior Melissa Davies, who plans to stock up at High Spirits before starting quarantine at Brown.
Area woman Andrea Waddell, who spent all her in-person lectures last year scrolling through Facebook, reported that she has struggled with a total lack of focus during her Zoom classes.
“It’s not healthy to be looking at a screen for that long,” Waddell said, ignoring the fact that she stared at her laptop screen nonstop during all classes she attended before the pandemic began.
Newly assigned Residential Peer Leader Tabitha Davies recently announced her plans to stock her dorm’s door with promise rings.
“My door will be a judgment-free space for students to start practicing the only 100% effective birth control method: abstinence!” said Davies, currently a sophomore.
In a recent statement, a spokesperson from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention urged Americans to stay at home, to remain six feet apart from other people at all times, and to cancel all non-essential events, but endorsed intimate candlelit dinners for two.
Sources report that in January, the Ratty’s addition of white tablecloths to many tables provided a finishing touch to the establishment’s sumptuous, bespoke dining experience.
“When I head to the Ratty, I expect to be wined and dined,” said Henry Covington ’23.
In an unprecedented display of journalistic prowess, the latest issue of the Brown Daily Herald featured a hard-hitting holiday word search.
“As a journalist, I believe that words have power," BDH senior staff writer Rupert Smith said of his piece.
After drinking a large black coffee with the intent of being productive, Melanie Schwartz instead started online shopping while violently trembling.
“I’m not usually a big coffee drinker, but I have so much to get done today,” Schwartz said, scrolling through 14 pages of clearance sundresses on urbanoutfitters.com with a visible tremor.
While heading back to his Jameson dorm room, total badass freshman Mark Travisano paused and considered taking a condom from the paper pocket on his RPL’s door.
“Hm, I guess it couldn’t hurt to grab a few,” Travisano thought to himself, a testament to his utterly hardcore attitude.
Freshman Jennifer Williams has reported a sighting of Dean Rashid Zia after she chanted “Open Curriculum” into an Archibald bathroom mirror. Legend has it that every year, on the anniversary of the Open Curriculum, Dean Zia can be summoned using this mysterious ritual.
As she power walked past the coffee station, first year Megan Smith hoped that her fourth lap around the Ratty might reveal some new menu choices.
“Maybe the fries have gotten less soggy in the last few minutes?” Smith said. “Or I kinda zoned out in my first three passes by Roots and Shoots.
According to his mother, local baby Brandon Baker could probably learn to walk if he had more of a growth mindset.
“Initially, I had a good feeling about Brandon’s work ethic when I noticed the hours of tummy-time he puts in,” Brandon’s mother said.