“The CDC has emphasized the importance of wearing masks, but there seems to be a lot of confusion and controversy surrounding when and where they should be worn,” Redfield told reporters. “So allow me to clarify our guidelines: masks should always be worn in public, unless you look like a soft baby bitch when you wear them. I cannot stress this enough.”

Redfield noted that COVID-19 has killed almost 200,000 American citizens in less than a year, and the danger of further infection cannot be overstated. But he acknowledged that it still is nothing compared to the danger of feeling emasculated at your local Walmart or Dairy Queen drive-throughs.

“We all must make sacrifices if we are going to flatten the curve and prevent even greater loss of life,” Redfield said, urging compliance with the CDC’s recommendations. “As long as those sacrifices don’t make any of us look like punk-ass bitch babies who are scared of an eensy weensy pandemic and need N-95 binkies to make us feel better.”

At press time, the CDC recommended drawing skulls and crossbones or rockin’ babes on masks to make them look more manly.