Friday, September 20, 2019
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The Brown Noser

Daniel Goldberg


Daniel's articles

English Concentrator Ready To Return From Summer Of Relaxed Reading To Semester Of Relaxed Reading | Sep 13 2019

After a long summer of relaxed reading, English concentrator Alex Springer returned to campus ready for another semester of relaxed reading. “Summer is great, but sitting at home with a bunch of downtime to read can get boring after a while,” Springer said.

CareerLab Announces New Program Of Swaddling Students In Blankets And Leaving Them On Companies’ Doorsteps | Sep 13 2019

This past Monday, CareerLab revealed its new job-finding initiative of swaddling students in blankets and leaving them on companies’ doorsteps. “The job search process can be very challenging for some students,” said Director of Career Services Matthew Donato.

I Don't Do Drugs Because One Time My Dad Caught Me Stealing His Acid And Made Me Take Every Tab He Had | Apr 19 2019

Hello to all you impressionable kids, I’m here to tell you that drugs are not cool and will cause serious harm if you’re not careful. And I would know: when I was young my dad once caught me stealing his acid and made me take every tab he had. It’s important for everyone to learn about drugs’ dangerous effects.

I Steal A Little Piece Of Your Soul Every Time You Pet Me by A Puppy | Dec 07 2018

Hello! Hi! Yes, of course you can pet me, silly. Look how soft I am! You can scratch me behind my ears or we can go for a walk! Either way, your touch will transfer a little piece of your soul to me. Ooh, let’s go say hi to your neighbor, she always gives me a hug.

Woman Desperately Clings To Her Own Thought As Friends Talk | Oct 26 2018

This past week, sources reported that local woman Cathy Zhou found herself unable to vocalize a great thought she’d had during an animated conversation with three of her friends. “We were just talking,” Zhou later said, “And then Allison said something that reminded me of this think piece that I’d read that was really interesting.

Is There A Particular Way I Should Be Eating This? | Oct 26 2018

Oh wow, this looks… complex. Do you think there’s a particular way I should be eating this? Like, any specific sort of way? Maybe I should just google it? No, that’s humiliating. Do you see anyone else eating this? What are they doing? Ugh, you’re no help at all.