Thursday, July 9, 2020
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The Brown Noser

Daniel Goldberg

Writer

Daniel's articles

Quarantine Will Finally Give Us Time To Finish That Birdhouse, Dad Reports | Apr 24 2020

With the COVID-19 pandemic putting millions of lives in danger and sending multitudes of students home to be quarantined with their families, your dad happily reported that the two of you will finally have time to finish that birdhouse. “It’s all about finding the silver linings,” your dad said as he dusted off the half-finished birdhouse that you started building when you were twelve and abandoned two weeks later.

Report: Hot Guy Clearly The Protagonist | Apr 24 2020

Staring in awe as local hot guy John Steel confidently strutted down the street, onlookers agreed that he is clearly the protagonist of everyone else’s life. “With looks like that, there’s no way he was meant to be a background character, or even a wacky supporting character,” said wizened mentor-type Harrison McGuffy.

Area Man Digging Around In Napkin Dispenser Like Old Prospector | Mar 06 2020

Plunging his fingertips into a napkin dispenser, area man Howard Hoffman was reportedly behaving as though he was an old prospector digging for gold, rather than a man trying to clean up some spilled soup. “He looked kind of desperate, and also a little angry,” said nearby diner Sasha Speck.

Last Text From Dad Just Picture Of New Stamps | Mar 06 2020

This past Monday, Ainsley Anderson ’21 opened her phone to find that the last text her father had sent her was just a picture of his new stamps. “It was just a blurry photo of a reel of stamps,” Anderson said. “I think there were birds on them? It was hard to tell." Anderson’s father reportedly captioned the photo with “American Kestrel, 79 cents!!!” and a description of how he couldn’t wait to mail one to Anderson’s aunt Suzette because she "would really get a kick out of it.” “I just don’t understand,” Anderson said.

Gonna Want To File That Table Leg Down Another Eighth Of An Inch, Dad Reports | Dec 06 2019

After finding your kitchen table to be a little wobbly, your dad reported that you’re probably gonna want to file that table leg down another eighth of an inch. “I mean, you could stick some coasters under the other legs, but that’s really just a temporary fix,” he said, gesturing at the table.

Art Student’s Jokes About Being Unemployable Getting Increasingly Sincere | Oct 25 2019

This past week, sources reported that art student William Marino’s jokes about being unemployable are getting increasingly sincere. “At first, Will’s jokes were funny,” said Marino’s friend Alice Kaufman. “He’d chuckle and say things like, ‘I’m majoring in living in my car,’ and it would crack everyone up.

English Concentrator Ready To Return From Summer Of Relaxed Reading To Semester Of Relaxed Reading | Sep 13 2019

After a long summer of relaxed reading, English concentrator Alex Springer returned to campus ready for another semester of relaxed reading. “Summer is great, but sitting at home with a bunch of downtime to read can get boring after a while,” Springer said.

CareerLab Announces New Program Of Swaddling Students In Blankets And Leaving Them On Companies’ Doorsteps | Sep 13 2019

This past Monday, CareerLab revealed its new job-finding initiative of swaddling students in blankets and leaving them on companies’ doorsteps. “The job search process can be very challenging for some students,” said Director of Career Services Matthew Donato.

I Don't Do Drugs Because One Time My Dad Caught Me Stealing His Acid And Made Me Take Every Tab He Had | Apr 19 2019

Hello to all you impressionable kids, I’m here to tell you that drugs are not cool and will cause serious harm if you’re not careful. And I would know: when I was young my dad once caught me stealing his acid and made me take every tab he had. It’s important for everyone to learn about drugs’ dangerous effects.

I Steal A Little Piece Of Your Soul Every Time You Pet Me by A Puppy | Dec 07 2018

Hello! Hi! Yes, of course you can pet me, silly. Look how soft I am! You can scratch me behind my ears or we can go for a walk! Either way, your touch will transfer a little piece of your soul to me. Ooh, let’s go say hi to your neighbor, she always gives me a hug.

Woman Desperately Clings To Her Own Thought As Friends Talk | Oct 26 2018

This past week, sources reported that local woman Cathy Zhou found herself unable to vocalize a great thought she’d had during an animated conversation with three of her friends. “We were just talking,” Zhou later said, “And then Allison said something that reminded me of this think piece that I’d read that was really interesting.

Is There A Particular Way I Should Be Eating This? | Oct 26 2018

Oh wow, this looks… complex. Do you think there’s a particular way I should be eating this? Like, any specific sort of way? Maybe I should just google it? No, that’s humiliating. Do you see anyone else eating this? What are they doing? Ugh, you’re no help at all.