Monday, June 24, 2019
Partly Cloudy icon Partly Cloudy, 64°

The Brown Noser

Daniel Goldberg

Writer

Daniel's articles

I Don't Do Drugs Because One Time My Dad Caught Me Stealing His Acid And Made Me Take Every Tab He Had | Apr 19 2019

Hello to all you impressionable kids, I’m here to tell you that drugs are not cool and will cause serious harm if you’re not careful. And I would know: when I was young my dad once caught me stealing his acid and made me take every tab he had. It’s important for everyone to learn about drugs’ dangerous effects.

I Steal A Little Piece Of Your Soul Every Time You Pet Me by A Puppy | Dec 07 2018

Hello! Hi! Yes, of course you can pet me, silly. Look how soft I am! You can scratch me behind my ears or we can go for a walk! Either way, your touch will transfer a little piece of your soul to me. Ooh, let’s go say hi to your neighbor, she always gives me a hug.

Woman Desperately Clings To Her Own Thought As Friends Talk | Oct 26 2018

This past week, sources reported that local woman Cathy Zhou found herself unable to vocalize a great thought she’d had during an animated conversation with three of her friends. “We were just talking,” Zhou later said, “And then Allison said something that reminded me of this think piece that I’d read that was really interesting.

Is There A Particular Way I Should Be Eating This? | Oct 26 2018

Oh wow, this looks… complex. Do you think there’s a particular way I should be eating this? Like, any specific sort of way? Maybe I should just google it? No, that’s humiliating. Do you see anyone else eating this? What are they doing? Ugh, you’re no help at all.