“The agency deeply regrets our intern accidentally posting the results of the 2020 Presidential Election eight months early,” said CIA director Gina Haspel in a press conference. “Frankly, we’re usually much better about these things and only leak secrets or start proxy wars during the general election campaign.”
The image was a screenshot of a pre-recorded Election Night CNN broadcast, featuring Anderson Cooper and Wolf Blitzer sitting in front of the electoral map, with a chyron explaining that the CIA and FBI had detected irregularities in the election results and would be supervising the 12th Amendment-dictated election of the president by the House of Representatives.
“We really feel terrible about it,” Haspel continued. “It took us a while to plan this one out, so we’re crushed to have it all go to waste, on top of spoiling the whole thing for the voters.”
At press time, Haspel reassured the American public that they would figure out a different approach to the election by November so it can still feel like a surprise.