Friday, October 23, 2020
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The Brown Noser

Wylie De Groff


Wylie's articles

Octopuses Around The World Biding Their Time | Sep 25 2020

Sources reported that octopuses across the world are currently biding their time. According to eyewitnesses, octopuses didn’t appear to be working toward any specific goals but clearly weren’t idle or clueless. The highly intelligent marine invertebrates, who exhibit complex sensory and nervous systems, simply appeared to be intently waiting and possibly preparing for something.

Secretary Of Dark Energy Recommends Shooting Your Computer To Get The Devil Out Of It | Sep 25 2020

In a press conference transmitted directly into the minds of every American, Thibodeau Scopes-Walcott, the Secretary of Dark Energy, recommended shooting your computer to get the Devil out of it. “It’s everyone’s duty to defend themselves from the Devil,” Scopes-Walcott urged, brandishing a thick tome bound in glowing runes.

Econ Profs Solemnly Turn All Their Squiggly Graphs Upside Down | Apr 24 2020

Amid the highest unemployment numbers in history and the unprecedented economic shock of the coronavirus pandemic, Brown’s economics professors have solemnly turned all their squiggly graphs upside down. Citing economic devastation rapidly spinning out of control, the economics professors collectively adjusted their craggy graphs of growth and other economic indicators upside down so that they displayed dramatic downward trends.

Paxson Sends Heartfelt Email To Brown Community Expressing Regrets About Postponement Of This Year’s 420 Celebration | Apr 24 2020

In a heartfelt email addressed to the Brown Community, President Christina Paxson expressed her sincere regrets that this year’s 420 celebration had to be postponed in light of the coronavirus pandemic. “Our separation from campus has left us no choice but to cancel many beloved community gatherings, and unfortunately this applies to our annual 420 celebration as well,” Paxson stated in the email, offering her deepest sympathies to seniors who expected to celebrate one more 420 at Brown.

Report: Here’s Some More Horrifying Shit To Worry About | Apr 24 2020

A new report published Tuesday uncovered some more horrifying shit for you to worry about. “Our findings indicate that there’s even more utterly dismal shit to fixate on than whatever you’re currently worrying about,” explained lead author Dr.

BDH Begs Brown Community To Stop Sending So Much Fan Mail | Mar 06 2020

Citing a continuous and overwhelming deluge of positive feedback in both their physical and online inboxes, the Brown Daily Herald has pleaded for the Brown community to stop sending so much fan mail. “We adore and appreciate our fans so much,” said Editor-in-Chief Brango Hughley ’20 at a packed press conference held in Salomon auditorium Tuesday evening.

Local Business Going To Start Pathetic Little Instagram Account | Mar 06 2020

Sources reported Sunday that local business Zephyr Pastries is planning to start a pathetic little Instagram account. “We’ve been trying to expand our business,” explained founder and manager Grant Andante, fiddling with the Instagram app on his phone.

I Cannot Support Bernie Sanders Because He Was Mean To Me In My Dream Last Night | Mar 06 2020

Like many Americans, this year’s election is especially important to me — will we be able to pull together a winning Democratic coalition, or will we suffer another four years of Trump? There are certainly some strong candidates in the Democratic primary so far, but there’s one person we simply can’t afford to hand the nomination.

Something Crazy Happened In The Democratic Primary And Since It’s March Right Now As I Write This, I Know What It Is And Have A Lot To Say About It | Mar 06 2020

Well, we’re now deep into the 2020 Democratic Primary. Millions of Americans are duking it out in primaries, caucuses, and on Twitter to decide who they’ll send onto the campaign trail to finally beat Trump. But one thing I’m sure no one expected was what just happened — and since it’s March right now as I write this, I know exactly what that was and I have a lot to say about it.

CIA Intern Accidentally Releases Results Of Election Eight Months Early | Mar 06 2020

In what the intelligence agency is referring to as an “unfortunate mistake not to be repeated,” a CIA intern accidentally released the results of the 2020 U.S. Presidential Election on Tuesday, exactly eight months before the election is scheduled.

Dean Of The College Rashid Zia Repeatedly Pitches "Tale Of Despereaux" For Next Year's First Readings | Dec 06 2019

Sources reported Friday that Dean of the College Rashid Zia has been repeatedly pitching the children’s novel “Tale of Despereaux” for next year’s First Readings. “At first glance, ‘Tale of Despereaux’ might seem like just another story about a mouse who lives in a castle and falls in love with a human princess, but it’s so much more,” Zia could be heard saying to anyone who would listen.

Brown Announces Plans To Let Construction Guys Play With Equipment In The Big Pit For Ever And Ever And Ever | Dec 06 2019

Surrounded by the delightful hustle and bustle of an active construction site, University spokesperson Glen Campbell announced Thursday that the University plans to let the construction guys play with their equipment in the big pit for ever and ever and ever.

Area Man Trying Not To Laugh At State Trooper’s Dumbass Hat During Traffic Stop | Oct 25 2019

Sources reported Thursday that area man Kent Tephron was struggling not to laugh at the dumbass hat worn by the state trooper who pulled him over on the highway. “Yes officer, I’ve got the registration right here,” Tephron struggled to say with a straight face, doing his best not to stare at the very dumb looking hat the state trooper had delicately balanced on top of his head, as well as the weird strap across the bottom of his face.

Area Man Unsuccessfully Smiles At Baby | Oct 25 2019

Area man Pand Green unsuccessfully smiled at an area baby Friday morning, eyewitnesses reported. “There was this cute baby stomping around in the grass,” Green recounted, pointing to a nearby patch of grass. “I decided to smile at the baby, and it was like I had pointed a gun at them or something.

Report: You’re A Real Tough Guy, Huh? | Oct 25 2019

Sources reported that you’re a real tough guy, huh? You must be a pretty tough guy if you’re running your mouth like that. Oh mhm, yea you got it. You’re the boss, big guy. You really are a real tough guy, buddy. According to eyewitnesses, you’ve got a lotta nerve.

Dog Unaware He’s Not Person | Oct 25 2019

Sources reported Friday that area dog Buster is unaware he’s not a person. Buster, a five-year old boxer, fully considers himself equivalent to his human family. “I love my mom, dad, and sister,” Buster said, entirely believing that he is mentally and physically the same as his family.

Cool, Smart World Leaders Continue To Make Good Decisions | Sep 13 2019

Sources reported Tuesday that cool, smart world leaders continued to make really good decisions. The brilliant leaders, collectively responsible for the world’s environment, governments, and economies, were seen doing really good things that are actively improving people’s lives as well as the world at large.

Disney Quietly Acquires Entire US Government | Sep 13 2019

Disney announced their acquisition of the entire United States government during a short press conference Tuesday. “Our team here at Disney is excited to collaborate with the United States to grow their geopolitical brand and broaden their media reach by integrating Disney’s resources and the U.S.

Guy Way Too Old For Sarcastic T-Shirt | Sep 13 2019

Sources reported that area man Dolan Jorpe is absolutely way too old for his sarcastic t-shirt, which has a graphic of a loading bar with text that reads Sarcastic Comment Loading.’ “Oh yikes,” said passerby Kelsey Reid, noticing the haunting relic of mid-2000s adolescent internet culture that Jorpe deliberately put on his body before going out in public.

Old Dog Wearing Vest Now | Sep 13 2019

Sources reported that local old dog Sally is wearing a vest now. “We bought Sally this vest a while back to see if she liked it and eventually it turned into a daily thing,” said owner Jean Lowe. “She’s almost 13, so we sort of let her do what she wants.

FDA Admits Smoking Still Very, Very Cool | Sep 13 2019

FDA acting chief Chard Wilson admitted during a press conference Thursday that smoking is still very, very cool. “We’ve been studying the long-term stresses smoking places on multiple human body systems for decades,” Wilson told reporters. “Smoking is functionally equivalent to paying someone to slowly kill you with poison, but it also does make you look badass and maybe even a little sophisticated, if you can pull off that vibe.” A panel of FDA-affiliated researchers begrudgingly supported Wilson’s claims.

Volcanoes Are Harmless and People Should Build More Cities Near Them by Corvus Pinochet, Dictator of the Center of the Earth | Sep 13 2019

Hello, surface dwellers! You may not have known this, but there’s a thriving and extremely normal, definitely not cursed civilization under the very ground you walk on! We’ve been listening to the pitter-patter of your surface dweller steps for thousands of years.

Pig Has No Fucking Clue Why He Can Find Truffles Either | Sep 13 2019

Area pig Torvald has no fucking clue why he can find truffles either. As he trotted purposefully through a thick forest vigorously sniffing to detect the famous mushroom delicacy, Torvald expressed bewilderment at his abilities. “It doesn’t make any goddamn sense but here I am,” Torvald grunted.

Damn, I Hope No One Remembers That My Emails Were Released In The 2015 Sony Hack And Clearly Showed Me Accepting Bribes To Admit A Student by Christina Paxson | Apr 19 2019

Shoot, with all these recent college admissions scandals, it appears the American public is finally realizing America’s elite colleges and universities are controlled by and structurally designed for the rich and powerful. I certainly hope I don’t become a subject of scrutiny in this nationwide scandal…it would really suck if someone remembered that in 2015 my emails were released in the Sony hack and showed I was condoning the acceptance of bribes to admit a student.

SciLi Adding Gargoyles Just To Lean Into The Whole Misery And Doom Thing | Apr 19 2019

Brown Facilities management announced Friday that the SciLi will be adding gargoyles to the outside of its 14-story tower just to lean into the whole misery and doom thing. “The SciLi has this brand that’s already very strongly felt by everyone here – miserable brutalist spaceship fortress,” project designer French Diamond said.

Biology Professor Not Such an Expert in Life Sciences Now That He Dead | Apr 19 2019

Sources reported Friday that area biology professor Algernon Clay isn’t such an expert in life sciences now that he’s dead. “Algernon spent his entire career working diligently to unravel the mysteries of life in all its forms,” said colleague Patricia Ontkean.

SciLi Adding Gargoyles Just To Lean Into The Whole Misery And Doom Thing | Apr 19 2019

Brown Facilities management announced Friday that the SciLi will be adding gargoyles to the outside of its 14-story tower just to lean into the whole misery and doom thing. “The SciLi has this brand that’s already very strongly felt by everyone here – miserable brutalist spaceship fortress,” project designer French Diamond said.

President Trump Resigns Following Brutal Tweet From Your Aunt | Mar 08 2019

President Donald Trump stepped down from office this Wednesday following a brutal tweet from your aunt. “In light of the recent tweet from @BlueWaveMartha67 calling me, among other things, ‘mango Mussolini’ and ‘tiny hands,’ I have decided to resign from the presidency of the United States,” a visibly shaken Trump announced to a fully packed press room, reading from a prepared statement.

New Republican Bill Just Map of Mexico With Red X On It | Mar 08 2019

On Thursday, Senate Republicans proposed a new bill consisting only of a map of Mexico with a large red X on it. “After working through numerous versions in committee to make sure this bill reflects our values, we’re excited to finally present it,” said Senator Ted Cruz (TX).

Men’s Crew Members Announce Plans To Tower Over You | Dec 07 2018

In a press conference held last Friday, the Brown men’s crew team announced their plans to tower over you. “If a member of our team is near you," said captain Javier Sel, "You can count on being dwarfed by them. We’ll tower over you wherever and whenever.

Homesick Maud Mandel Tries To Get Williams To Buy Teddy Bear Sculpture | Dec 07 2018

In an attempt to alleviate her homesickness, former Dean of the College Maud Mandel has reportedly been trying to persuade Williams College to buy a giant teddy bear sculpture. “Yeah I mean I think it might be cool to have some kind of new sculpture on the main green,” Mandel reportedly pitched to the Williams administration.

Ratty Introducing Halloween-Themed "Oops! All Pumpkins" Menu For October | Oct 26 2018

Brown University Dining Services announced Monday that the Ratty planned to introduce a Halloween-themed “Oops! All Pumpkins” menu for the rest of October. “It’s pretty straightforward,” said BDS spokesman Walt Winslow. “There was an accident at the food factory and they sent us 1,000 times more pumpkins than we wanted.

Jeff Bezos Shocked Massive Mob Of People Hasn’t Just Banded Together And Murdered Him At This Point | Oct 26 2018

Sources report Jeff Bezos, founder and CEO of Amazon and the richest man in the world with a net worth of over $160 billion, is shocked that a massive group of people hasn’t just banded together and murdered him at this point. “I really can’t believe people are putting up with this," Bezos said Friday.

Mueller Finds The Real Collusion Was The Friends We Made Along The Way | Sep 14 2018

After over a year of investigating Russian interference in the 2016 presidential election, U.S. Special Counsel and former director of the FBI Robert Mueller announced that the real collusion was, in fact, the friends we made along the way.

Area Man Plunged Into Primal, All-Consuming Panic After Headphone Cable Gets Stuck On Door Handle | Sep 14 2018

Sources report area man Burt Crumb was plunged into a primal, all-consuming panic after his headphone cable got caught on a door handle Friday afternoon. “When I felt the headphones yank out of my ears, my mind went completely blank,” Crumb said, recalling how all his muscles tensed and his adrenaline soared when he had to double back and disentangle his headphones.

Weak, Little Baby Needs Special Seat To Ride In Car | Sep 14 2018

Rolling their eyes and sneering, sources close to two-year old Lily Dickenson report that the weak, little baby needs a special seat to ride in the car. Dickenson, who could not be reached for comment, apparently needs a big protective seat for her allegedly fragile and developing spinal cord and her flimsy, weak limbs.

Shitty Sarcophagus Doesn’t Even Release Plague Of Scarabs Or Summon The God Anubis | Sep 14 2018

In a press release issued on Thursday, a team of archaeologists working in Egypt announced the unfortunate discovery of a shitty sarcophagus that doesn’t even release a plague of scarabs or summon the god Anubis. According to the report, the disappointing sarcophagus was discovered in a previously hidden passage of a minor pyramid and didn’t even produce a swarm of locusts when disturbed.

God Relieved No One Has Noticed Extra Planet He Created While Blackout Drunk | Apr 20 2018

After a wild night He can’t remember, God was reportedly relieved no one has noticed the planet He created while absolutely hammered. “I can’t believe I just let it exist like that,” God said while holding a bottle of Pedialyte. “I’m gonna be in deep shit if someone finds out about this.” According to God, the planet is positioned squarely in the center of the Asteroid Belt and is just a large, misshapen clump of rock and ice debris.

I’m In Your Phone by Steve Jobs’ Ghost | Mar 09 2018

It’s me: Steve Jobs. Just as I innovated during my lifetime by inventing the the iPod, the iPhone, and Mac computers, I’m now innovating in the beyond. I live in your phone. It’s my house now! As I passed from your world to the afterlife, I was frightened.

We Need To Return To Bipartisanship, Like When Republicans And Democrats Bravely Put Aside Their Differences To Kill Hundreds Of Thousands Of Iraqi Civilians | Mar 09 2018

Like many people, I’m tired of the divisiveness that’s so prevalent in our current political climate. Since when has politics been about disagreement and conflict? I want us to go back to when the parties could roll their sleeves up and pass legislation.

‘Clue’ Enthusiast Finds Out Murder Mystery Not So Fun When It’s Your Aunt | Mar 09 2018

Dwayne Mesa, local sales analyst and fervent fan of the board game Clue as well as the Clue media franchise, found out Saturday that murder mysteries aren’t so fun when the victim is your beloved Aunt Shirley. “Well Clue is cool because you get to solve a mystery and it’s all over in an hour,” Mesa said, “But this is way longer and way more high stakes.” Mesa also showed surprise at the lack of creative murder methods.

Freshman Who Thinks He’s Super Liberal Has No Fucking Clue What’s Gonna Hit Him | Nov 03 2017

Sources report that first-year student Stanley Acheson, a self-purported “huge liberal,” has no fucking clue what’s gonna hit him. The freshman, who routinely sports a Hillary Clinton campaign shirt and intends to concentrate in political science, is blissfully unaware of the righteous cyclone of leftism that’s going to absolutely knock him the fuck out.

Engineering Student Who Will Start Toaster-Sharing Startup Scoffs At Entire Field of Anthropology | Nov 03 2017

Students report that first-year mechanical engineering concentrator David Klein, who will one day start a toaster-sharing startup, summarily dismissed the entire field of anthropology on Monday. Klein, whose business model will involve allowing people who own toasters to loan out slots of their toasters to those without toasters for a fee, scoffed at the “uselessness” of anthropology.

The Army Is At The Gates, Lord Swanth. Dondleboose Will Fall But We Can At Least Go Out Fighting. | Nov 03 2017

Lord Swanth, the hordes have drawn far closer than the messengers had predicted. Our ramparts on the plains of Monjoor proved comically useless against their war-beasts and they’re at the shining gates of our fair city. Though we’re pouring hot tar over the city walls, our reserves are running out and the horde has already slain half of our Oil Marshals.