Friday, November 24, 2017
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The Brown Noser

Wylie De Groff

Writer

Wylie's articles

Freshman Who Thinks He’s Super Liberal Has No Fucking Clue What’s Gonna Hit Him | Nov 03 2017

Sources report that first-year student Stanley Acheson, a self-purported “huge liberal,” has no fucking clue what’s gonna hit him. The freshman, who routinely sports a Hillary Clinton campaign shirt and intends to concentrate in political science, is blissfully unaware of the righteous cyclone of leftism that’s going to absolutely knock him the fuck out.

Engineering Student Who Will Start Toaster-Sharing Startup Scoffs At Entire Field of Anthropology | Nov 03 2017

Students report that first-year mechanical engineering concentrator David Klein, who will one day start a toaster-sharing startup, summarily dismissed the entire field of anthropology on Monday. Klein, whose business model will involve allowing people who own toasters to loan out slots of their toasters to those without toasters for a fee, scoffed at the “uselessness” of anthropology.

The Army Is At The Gates, Lord Swanth. Dondleboose Will Fall But We Can At Least Go Out Fighting. | Nov 03 2017

Lord Swanth, the hordes have drawn far closer than the messengers had predicted. Our ramparts on the plains of Monjoor proved comically useless against their war-beasts and they’re at the shining gates of our fair city. Though we’re pouring hot tar over the city walls, our reserves are running out and the horde has already slain half of our Oil Marshals.