Wylie's articles
Sources report that area detective Derek Plantain keeps holding his magnifying glass very close to his face as he talks.
“Plantain walked up to the crime scene with a magnifying glass just absolutely smushed against the top-right quarter of his face,” said Sergeant Fidelio Swine, perplexed by Plantain’s antics.
Approving a desperate clinical intervention in the absence of any other viable treatment options, area doctor Leila Nader prescribed terminally uptight square Thomas Fogel medical cannabis to save his life.
“Thomas is by all other measures a perfectly healthy young man, but he’s a total fucking melvin,” Nader explained, frowning as she flipped through a clipboard of Fogel’s medical history.
Area man Yiorgos Twillburn, who painstakingly constructed a functional replica of the Oscar Mayer Weeniemobile, is deeply torn between his love of driving the frankfurter-on-bun vehicle and the certainty that he will face retribution at the hands of the authentic, officially sanctioned Weeniemobile.
Nuclear reactor maintenance worker Darren Platte is always getting superpowers when he goes to work.
“I like managing the plant’s ventilation system, but I’m always getting zapped by luminous beams of radiation that give me superpowers,” Platte explained, letting loose small bolts of lightning from his fingertips as he mimicked being speared by a luminous beam.
Area stepdad Jamie Kucinich is reportedly sharpening the only chef’s knife in the kitchen with the quietly intense concentration and meticulous care one would expect from the Emperor’s most skilled and highly trained bladesmith.
Sources reported that Kucinich wordlessly unsheathed the blade — which had been dulled from being improperly used to open packages of Trader Joe’s ravioli — and gently but firmly began to grind its edge in the coarse sharpening slot of the Amazon-brand three-stage knife sharpening tool your mother bought him two Christmases ago, in a manner that would have been most pleasing to the Emperor were Kucinich in his service as the court’s most highly trusted and trained bladesmith.
You know they say sometimes you eat the bar and sometimes the bar eats you. There’s a constant push and pull in life, in the cosmos, and you’re not always gonna catch it at the right time, or make the right choice. As people, the experiences that make up our consciousness and worldview open us up to the world in important ways, but those experiences can also constrain us, whether we recognize it or not.
Point: I Know I Entered Your Life to Tutor You In Chemistry, But The Real Chemistry Is Between Me And Your Mother. I’m Here To Stay by Dr. Theron Softkiss, Amateur Chemistry Tutor
Hey Tyler, what a wild ride huh? It’s crazy how chemistry brought you and me together, and now it’s gonna keep me and your mother together forever because I, Dr.
Brown economics professor Tomas Gablor has reportedly been sprinkling race science into his class’s lecture material just for fun.
“To begin our unit on comparative development of historical economies, we’ll be comparing the productivity of major states in different regions over the past thousand years,” Gablor explained with a playful glint in his eye, gesturing at a highly problematic graph with an x-axis labeled ‘time’ and a y-axis labeled ‘complexity of civilization.’ “To buttress and clarify our analysis, we’ll be using an approach that’s common throughout the economics literature: comparing different ethnic and genetic groups."
“As economists, our task is to develop models that can explain messy economic realities, such as the fact that some societies have become advanced while others have not,” Gablor added racistly, smirking mischievously as he showed an extremely offensive bell-shaped graph of GDP at varying levels of national diversity.
Helpless bystanders reported Thursday that Glock Brandish, a superhero whose power is using a gun, is really upstaging the rest of his superteam.
“The Necronomic Order has been terrorizing New Metropolis for months now, and the Anointed Gauntlet superteam keeps coming to our city’s defense,” commented citizen and terrified bystander Philip Spacek as he glanced nervously between surrounding skyscrapers.
Sources report that the Amish community is seriously divided over the ethics of using flipbooks.
“Though it may be physically the same as a normal book, when the flipbook is used the images move far too fast,” argued community elder Eusebius Spiegel as he vigorously threw a flipbook into a nearby pile of manure.
Cranston PD Detective Michael Porcino was placed on paid leave by his commanding officer for violating the values of the Department by failing to invite the rest of the department to his neo-Nazi militia’s meetings.
“We’re disgusted and frankly shocked by the nature of Detective Porcino’s involvement in the Atomwaffen SS organization, who are neo-Nazis,” Captain Marko Branovic stated at a department press conference Thursday.
Announcing his position in a 5000-word Wordpress manifesto Wednesday, reasonable QAnon supporter Thomas Kendall only wants to kill the members of Congress in the pedophile cabal, not the reptilian ones.
“I will be hunting and tactically eliminating the Congressmen involved in the global pedophile cabal very soon,” Kendall levelheadedly states in the first section of his restrained and centrist manifesto, titled ‘Declaration of Crusade Against the Swamp.’ “However, the reptilian humanoid members of Congress will be spared for now – we can’t act recklessly and endanger the integrity of our movement.
POINT: Lord Swanth, The Countess Vittoria Has Gone Mad! You Must Imprison Her At Once by The Vizier Aaron
Lord Swanth, my liege, I’ve terrible news! The Countess Vittoria has gone mad! She’s spewing devilish nonsense and causing panic, you must imprison her at once! And all the stuff she’s saying, it’s soooo so crazy, it might drive you mad just to hear it! It’s imperative that you stay far away from her until we get her locked in the dungeon.
Sources reported that shitty clockmaker Irving Krellwitz doesn’t even ruminate on the nature of time.
“There’s no point in making and selling clocks if you’re not gonna deeply contemplate time and its passage,” commented customer Thelma Fandor.
Sources reported Thursday that CIA agent Thomas Krinze was demoted from fieldwork to teaching International Relations at the Watson Institute.
“I feel like such a fuckup,” Krinze lamented, flipping through his Agency-issued preparatory materials on lecturing on world affairs as an intelligence plant.
Now Officer, I do understand you’ve given me a speeding ticket here which says I sped and I have to pay the state $200. But what you might not be clued in on here is that it’s actually Opposite Day, which means this ticket is — unfortunately — invalid.
My god… How’d you make it to the top of this mountain? No one’s gotten up here alive in years… I barely heard you knocking on the door of my hovel because of the howling winds of the blizzard. You’ve interrupted my work but please come in and make yourself at home, there are carved stone chairs to sit on.
Sources reported that octopuses across the world are currently biding their time.
According to eyewitnesses, octopuses didn’t appear to be working toward any specific goals but clearly weren’t idle or clueless. The highly intelligent marine invertebrates, who exhibit complex sensory and nervous systems, simply appeared to be intently waiting and possibly preparing for something.
In a press conference transmitted directly into the minds of every American, Thibodeau Scopes-Walcott, the Secretary of Dark Energy, recommended shooting your computer to get the Devil out of it.
“It’s everyone’s duty to defend themselves from the Devil,” Scopes-Walcott urged, brandishing a thick tome bound in glowing runes.
Amid the highest unemployment numbers in history and the unprecedented economic shock of the coronavirus pandemic, Brown’s economics professors have solemnly turned all their squiggly graphs upside down.
Citing economic devastation rapidly spinning out of control, the economics professors collectively adjusted their craggy graphs of growth and other economic indicators upside down so that they displayed dramatic downward trends.
In a heartfelt email addressed to the Brown Community, President Christina Paxson expressed her sincere regrets that this year’s 420 celebration had to be postponed in light of the coronavirus pandemic.
“Our separation from campus has left us no choice but to cancel many beloved community gatherings, and unfortunately this applies to our annual 420 celebration as well,” Paxson stated in the email, offering her deepest sympathies to seniors who expected to celebrate one more 420 at Brown.
A new report published Tuesday uncovered some more horrifying shit for you to worry about.
“Our findings indicate that there’s even more utterly dismal shit to fixate on than whatever you’re currently worrying about,” explained lead author Dr.
Citing a continuous and overwhelming deluge of positive feedback in both their physical and online inboxes, the Brown Daily Herald has pleaded for the Brown community to stop sending so much fan mail.
“We adore and appreciate our fans so much,” said Editor-in-Chief Brango Hughley ’20 at a packed press conference held in Salomon auditorium Tuesday evening.
Sources reported Sunday that local business Zephyr Pastries is planning to start a pathetic little Instagram account.
“We’ve been trying to expand our business,” explained founder and manager Grant Andante, fiddling with the Instagram app on his phone.
Like many Americans, this year’s election is especially important to me — will we be able to pull together a winning Democratic coalition, or will we suffer another four years of Trump? There are certainly some strong candidates in the Democratic primary so far, but there’s one person we simply can’t afford to hand the nomination.
Well, we’re now deep into the 2020 Democratic Primary. Millions of Americans are duking it out in primaries, caucuses, and on Twitter to decide who they’ll send onto the campaign trail to finally beat Trump. But one thing I’m sure no one expected was what just happened — and since it’s March right now as I write this, I know exactly what that was and I have a lot to say about it.
In what the intelligence agency is referring to as an “unfortunate mistake not to be repeated,” a CIA intern accidentally released the results of the 2020 U.S. Presidential Election on Tuesday, exactly eight months before the election is scheduled.
Sources reported Friday that Dean of the College Rashid Zia has been repeatedly pitching the children’s novel “Tale of Despereaux” for next year’s First Readings.
“At first glance, ‘Tale of Despereaux’ might seem like just another story about a mouse who lives in a castle and falls in love with a human princess, but it’s so much more,” Zia could be heard saying to anyone who would listen.
Surrounded by the delightful hustle and bustle of an active construction site, University spokesperson Glen Campbell announced Thursday that the University plans to let the construction guys play with their equipment in the big pit for ever and ever and ever.
Sources reported Thursday that area man Kent Tephron was struggling not to laugh at the dumbass hat worn by the state trooper who pulled him over on the highway.
“Yes officer, I’ve got the registration right here,” Tephron struggled to say with a straight face, doing his best not to stare at the very dumb looking hat the state trooper had delicately balanced on top of his head, as well as the weird strap across the bottom of his face.
Area man Pand Green unsuccessfully smiled at an area baby Friday morning, eyewitnesses reported.
“There was this cute baby stomping around in the grass,” Green recounted, pointing to a nearby patch of grass. “I decided to smile at the baby, and it was like I had pointed a gun at them or something.
Sources reported that you’re a real tough guy, huh? You must be a pretty tough guy if you’re running your mouth like that. Oh mhm, yea you got it. You’re the boss, big guy. You really are a real tough guy, buddy.
According to eyewitnesses, you’ve got a lotta nerve.
Sources reported Friday that area dog Buster is unaware he’s not a person. Buster, a five-year old boxer, fully considers himself equivalent to his human family.
“I love my mom, dad, and sister,” Buster said, entirely believing that he is mentally and physically the same as his family.
Sources reported Tuesday that cool, smart world leaders continued to make really good decisions.
The brilliant leaders, collectively responsible for the world’s environment, governments, and economies, were seen doing really good things that are actively improving people’s lives as well as the world at large.
Disney announced their acquisition of the entire United States government during a short press conference Tuesday. “Our team here at Disney is excited to collaborate with the United States to grow their geopolitical brand and broaden their media reach by integrating Disney’s resources and the U.S.
Sources reported that area man Dolan Jorpe is absolutely way too old for his sarcastic t-shirt, which has a graphic of a loading bar with text that reads Sarcastic Comment Loading.’ “Oh yikes,” said passerby Kelsey Reid, noticing the haunting relic of mid-2000s adolescent internet culture that Jorpe deliberately put on his body before going out in public.
Sources reported that local old dog Sally is wearing a vest now.
“We bought Sally this vest a while back to see if she liked it and eventually it turned into a daily thing,” said owner Jean Lowe. “She’s almost 13, so we sort of let her do what she wants.
FDA acting chief Chard Wilson admitted during a press conference Thursday that smoking is still very, very cool.
“We’ve been studying the long-term stresses smoking places on multiple human body systems for decades,” Wilson told reporters. “Smoking is functionally equivalent to paying someone to slowly kill you with poison, but it also does make you look badass and maybe even a little sophisticated, if you can pull off that vibe.”
A panel of FDA-affiliated researchers begrudgingly supported Wilson’s claims.
Hello, surface dwellers! You may not have known this, but there’s a thriving and extremely normal, definitely not cursed civilization under the very ground you walk on! We’ve been listening to the pitter-patter of your surface dweller steps for thousands of years.
Area pig Torvald has no fucking clue why he can find truffles either.
As he trotted purposefully through a thick forest vigorously sniffing to detect the famous mushroom delicacy, Torvald expressed bewilderment at his abilities.
“It doesn’t make any goddamn sense but here I am,” Torvald grunted.
Shoot, with all these recent college admissions scandals, it appears the American public is finally realizing America’s elite colleges and universities are controlled by and structurally designed for the rich and powerful. I certainly hope I don’t become a subject of scrutiny in this nationwide scandal…it would really suck if someone remembered that in 2015 my emails were released in the Sony hack and showed I was condoning the acceptance of bribes to admit a student.
Brown Facilities management announced Friday that the SciLi will be adding gargoyles to the outside of its 14-story tower just to lean into the whole misery and doom thing.
“The SciLi has this brand that’s already very strongly felt by everyone here – miserable brutalist spaceship fortress,” project designer French Diamond said.
Sources reported Friday that area biology professor Algernon Clay isn’t such an expert in life sciences now that he’s dead.
“Algernon spent his entire career working diligently to unravel the mysteries of life in all its forms,” said colleague Patricia Ontkean.
Brown Facilities management announced Friday that the SciLi will be adding gargoyles to the outside of its 14-story tower just to lean into the whole misery and doom thing.
“The SciLi has this brand that’s already very strongly felt by everyone here – miserable brutalist spaceship fortress,” project designer French Diamond said.
President Donald Trump stepped down from office this Wednesday following a brutal tweet from your aunt. “In light of the recent tweet from @BlueWaveMartha67 calling me, among other things, ‘mango Mussolini’ and ‘tiny hands,’ I have decided to resign from the presidency of the United States,” a visibly shaken Trump announced to a fully packed press room, reading from a prepared statement.
On Thursday, Senate Republicans proposed a new bill consisting only of a map of Mexico with a large red X on it.
“After working through numerous versions in committee to make sure this bill reflects our values, we’re excited to finally present it,” said Senator Ted Cruz (TX).
In a press conference held last Friday, the Brown men’s crew team announced their plans to tower over you.
“If a member of our team is near you," said captain Javier Sel, "You can count on being dwarfed by them. We’ll tower over you wherever and whenever.
In an attempt to alleviate her homesickness, former Dean of the College Maud Mandel has reportedly been trying to persuade Williams College to buy a giant teddy bear sculpture.
“Yeah I mean I think it might be cool to have some kind of new sculpture on the main green,” Mandel reportedly pitched to the Williams administration.
Brown University Dining Services announced Monday that the Ratty planned to introduce a Halloween-themed “Oops! All Pumpkins” menu for the rest of October. “It’s pretty straightforward,” said BDS spokesman Walt Winslow. “There was an accident at the food factory and they sent us 1,000 times more pumpkins than we wanted.
Sources report Jeff Bezos, founder and CEO of Amazon and the richest man in the world with a net worth of over $160 billion, is shocked that a massive group of people hasn’t just banded together and murdered him at this point.
“I really can’t believe people are putting up with this," Bezos said Friday.
After over a year of investigating Russian interference in the 2016 presidential election, U.S. Special Counsel and former director of the FBI Robert Mueller announced that the real collusion was, in fact, the friends we made along the way.
Sources report area man Burt Crumb was plunged into a primal, all-consuming panic after his headphone cable got caught on a door handle Friday afternoon. “When I felt the headphones yank out of my ears, my mind went completely blank,” Crumb said, recalling how all his muscles tensed and his adrenaline soared when he had to double back and disentangle his headphones.
Rolling their eyes and sneering, sources close to two-year old Lily Dickenson report that the weak, little baby needs a special seat to ride in the car. Dickenson, who could not be reached for comment, apparently needs a big protective seat for her allegedly fragile and developing spinal cord and her flimsy, weak limbs.
In a press release issued on Thursday, a team of archaeologists working in Egypt announced the unfortunate discovery of a shitty sarcophagus that doesn’t even release a plague of scarabs or summon the god Anubis.
According to the report, the disappointing sarcophagus was discovered in a previously hidden passage of a minor pyramid and didn’t even produce a swarm of locusts when disturbed.
After a wild night He can’t remember, God was reportedly relieved no one has noticed the planet He created while absolutely hammered.
“I can’t believe I just let it exist like that,” God said while holding a bottle of Pedialyte. “I’m gonna be in deep shit if someone finds out about this.”
According to God, the planet is positioned squarely in the center of the Asteroid Belt and is just a large, misshapen clump of rock and ice debris.
It’s me: Steve Jobs. Just as I innovated during my lifetime by inventing the the iPod, the iPhone, and Mac computers, I’m now innovating in the beyond. I live in your phone. It’s my house now!
As I passed from your world to the afterlife, I was frightened.
Like many people, I’m tired of the divisiveness that’s so prevalent in our current political climate. Since when has politics been about disagreement and conflict? I want us to go back to when the parties could roll their sleeves up and pass legislation.
Dwayne Mesa, local sales analyst and fervent fan of the board game Clue as well as the Clue media franchise, found out Saturday that murder mysteries aren’t so fun when the victim is your beloved Aunt Shirley.
“Well Clue is cool because you get to solve a mystery and it’s all over in an hour,” Mesa said, “But this is way longer and way more high stakes.”
Mesa also showed surprise at the lack of creative murder methods.
Sources report that first-year student Stanley Acheson, a self-purported “huge liberal,” has no fucking clue what’s gonna hit him. The freshman, who routinely sports a Hillary Clinton campaign shirt and intends to concentrate in political science, is blissfully unaware of the righteous cyclone of leftism that’s going to absolutely knock him the fuck out.
Students report that first-year mechanical engineering concentrator David Klein, who will one day start a toaster-sharing startup, summarily dismissed the entire field of anthropology on Monday.
Klein, whose business model will involve allowing people who own toasters to loan out slots of their toasters to those without toasters for a fee, scoffed at the “uselessness” of anthropology.
Lord Swanth, the hordes have drawn far closer than the messengers had predicted. Our
ramparts on the plains of Monjoor proved comically useless against their war-beasts and they’re at the shining gates of our fair city. Though we’re pouring hot tar over the city walls, our reserves are running out and the horde has already slain half of our Oil Marshals.
Partly Cloudy, 64°
