Sunday, August 25, 2019
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The Brown Noser

Wylie De Groff


Wylie's articles

Damn, I Hope No One Remembers That My Emails Were Released In The 2015 Sony Hack And Clearly Showed Me Accepting Bribes To Admit A Student by Christina Paxson | Apr 19 2019

Shoot, with all these recent college admissions scandals, it appears the American public is finally realizing America’s elite colleges and universities are controlled by and structurally designed for the rich and powerful. I certainly hope I don’t become a subject of scrutiny in this nationwide scandal…it would really suck if someone remembered that in 2015 my emails were released in the Sony hack and showed I was condoning the acceptance of bribes to admit a student.

SciLi Adding Gargoyles Just To Lean Into The Whole Misery And Doom Thing | Apr 19 2019

Brown Facilities management announced Friday that the SciLi will be adding gargoyles to the outside of its 14-story tower just to lean into the whole misery and doom thing. “The SciLi has this brand that’s already very strongly felt by everyone here – miserable brutalist spaceship fortress,” project designer French Diamond said.

Biology Professor Not Such an Expert in Life Sciences Now That He Dead | Apr 19 2019

Sources reported Friday that area biology professor Algernon Clay isn’t such an expert in life sciences now that he’s dead. “Algernon spent his entire career working diligently to unravel the mysteries of life in all its forms,” said colleague Patricia Ontkean.

SciLi Adding Gargoyles Just To Lean Into The Whole Misery And Doom Thing | Apr 19 2019

Brown Facilities management announced Friday that the SciLi will be adding gargoyles to the outside of its 14-story tower just to lean into the whole misery and doom thing. “The SciLi has this brand that’s already very strongly felt by everyone here – miserable brutalist spaceship fortress,” project designer French Diamond said.

President Trump Resigns Following Brutal Tweet From Your Aunt | Mar 08 2019

President Donald Trump stepped down from office this Wednesday following a brutal tweet from your aunt. “In light of the recent tweet from @BlueWaveMartha67 calling me, among other things, ‘mango Mussolini’ and ‘tiny hands,’ I have decided to resign from the presidency of the United States,” a visibly shaken Trump announced to a fully packed press room, reading from a prepared statement.

New Republican Bill Just Map of Mexico With Red X On It | Mar 08 2019

On Thursday, Senate Republicans proposed a new bill consisting only of a map of Mexico with a large red X on it. “After working through numerous versions in committee to make sure this bill reflects our values, we’re excited to finally present it,” said Senator Ted Cruz (TX).

Men’s Crew Members Announce Plans To Tower Over You | Dec 07 2018

In a press conference held last Friday, the Brown men’s crew team announced their plans to tower over you. “If a member of our team is near you," said captain Javier Sel, "You can count on being dwarfed by them. We’ll tower over you wherever and whenever.

Homesick Maud Mandel Tries To Get Williams To Buy Teddy Bear Sculpture | Dec 07 2018

In an attempt to alleviate her homesickness, former Dean of the College Maud Mandel has reportedly been trying to persuade Williams College to buy a giant teddy bear sculpture. “Yeah I mean I think it might be cool to have some kind of new sculpture on the main green,” Mandel reportedly pitched to the Williams administration.

Ratty Introducing Halloween-Themed "Oops! All Pumpkins" Menu For October | Oct 26 2018

Brown University Dining Services announced Monday that the Ratty planned to introduce a Halloween-themed “Oops! All Pumpkins” menu for the rest of October. “It’s pretty straightforward,” said BDS spokesman Walt Winslow. “There was an accident at the food factory and they sent us 1,000 times more pumpkins than we wanted.

Jeff Bezos Shocked Massive Mob Of People Hasn’t Just Banded Together And Murdered Him At This Point | Oct 26 2018

Sources report Jeff Bezos, founder and CEO of Amazon and the richest man in the world with a net worth of over $160 billion, is shocked that a massive group of people hasn’t just banded together and murdered him at this point. “I really can’t believe people are putting up with this," Bezos said Friday.

Mueller Finds The Real Collusion Was The Friends We Made Along The Way | Sep 14 2018

After over a year of investigating Russian interference in the 2016 presidential election, U.S. Special Counsel and former director of the FBI Robert Mueller announced that the real collusion was, in fact, the friends we made along the way.

Area Man Plunged Into Primal, All-Consuming Panic After Headphone Cable Gets Stuck On Door Handle | Sep 14 2018

Sources report area man Burt Crumb was plunged into a primal, all-consuming panic after his headphone cable got caught on a door handle Friday afternoon. “When I felt the headphones yank out of my ears, my mind went completely blank,” Crumb said, recalling how all his muscles tensed and his adrenaline soared when he had to double back and disentangle his headphones.

Weak, Little Baby Needs Special Seat To Ride In Car | Sep 14 2018

Rolling their eyes and sneering, sources close to two-year old Lily Dickenson report that the weak, little baby needs a special seat to ride in the car. Dickenson, who could not be reached for comment, apparently needs a big protective seat for her allegedly fragile and developing spinal cord and her flimsy, weak limbs.

Shitty Sarcophagus Doesn’t Even Release Plague Of Scarabs Or Summon The God Anubis | Sep 14 2018

In a press release issued on Thursday, a team of archaeologists working in Egypt announced the unfortunate discovery of a shitty sarcophagus that doesn’t even release a plague of scarabs or summon the god Anubis. According to the report, the disappointing sarcophagus was discovered in a previously hidden passage of a minor pyramid and didn’t even produce a swarm of locusts when disturbed.

God Relieved No One Has Noticed Extra Planet He Created While Blackout Drunk | Apr 20 2018

After a wild night He can’t remember, God was reportedly relieved no one has noticed the planet He created while absolutely hammered. “I can’t believe I just let it exist like that,” God said while holding a bottle of Pedialyte. “I’m gonna be in deep shit if someone finds out about this.” According to God, the planet is positioned squarely in the center of the Asteroid Belt and is just a large, misshapen clump of rock and ice debris.

I’m In Your Phone by Steve Jobs’ Ghost | Mar 09 2018

It’s me: Steve Jobs. Just as I innovated during my lifetime by inventing the the iPod, the iPhone, and Mac computers, I’m now innovating in the beyond. I live in your phone. It’s my house now! As I passed from your world to the afterlife, I was frightened.

We Need To Return To Bipartisanship, Like When Republicans And Democrats Bravely Put Aside Their Differences To Kill Hundreds Of Thousands Of Iraqi Civilians | Mar 09 2018

Like many people, I’m tired of the divisiveness that’s so prevalent in our current political climate. Since when has politics been about disagreement and conflict? I want us to go back to when the parties could roll their sleeves up and pass legislation.

‘Clue’ Enthusiast Finds Out Murder Mystery Not So Fun When It’s Your Aunt | Mar 09 2018

Dwayne Mesa, local sales analyst and fervent fan of the board game Clue as well as the Clue media franchise, found out Saturday that murder mysteries aren’t so fun when the victim is your beloved Aunt Shirley. “Well Clue is cool because you get to solve a mystery and it’s all over in an hour,” Mesa said, “But this is way longer and way more high stakes.” Mesa also showed surprise at the lack of creative murder methods.

Freshman Who Thinks He’s Super Liberal Has No Fucking Clue What’s Gonna Hit Him | Nov 03 2017

Sources report that first-year student Stanley Acheson, a self-purported “huge liberal,” has no fucking clue what’s gonna hit him. The freshman, who routinely sports a Hillary Clinton campaign shirt and intends to concentrate in political science, is blissfully unaware of the righteous cyclone of leftism that’s going to absolutely knock him the fuck out.

Engineering Student Who Will Start Toaster-Sharing Startup Scoffs At Entire Field of Anthropology | Nov 03 2017

Students report that first-year mechanical engineering concentrator David Klein, who will one day start a toaster-sharing startup, summarily dismissed the entire field of anthropology on Monday. Klein, whose business model will involve allowing people who own toasters to loan out slots of their toasters to those without toasters for a fee, scoffed at the “uselessness” of anthropology.

The Army Is At The Gates, Lord Swanth. Dondleboose Will Fall But We Can At Least Go Out Fighting. | Nov 03 2017

Lord Swanth, the hordes have drawn far closer than the messengers had predicted. Our ramparts on the plains of Monjoor proved comically useless against their war-beasts and they’re at the shining gates of our fair city. Though we’re pouring hot tar over the city walls, our reserves are running out and the horde has already slain half of our Oil Marshals.