After over a year of investigating Russian interference in the 2016 presidential election, U.S. Special Counsel and former director of the FBI Robert Mueller announced that the real collusion was, in fact, the friends we made along the way.
Sources report area man Burt Crumb was plunged into a primal, all-consuming panic after his headphone cable got caught on a door handle Friday afternoon. “When I felt the headphones yank out of my ears, my mind went completely blank,” Crumb said, recalling how all his muscles tensed and his adrenaline soared when he had to double back and disentangle his headphones.
Rolling their eyes and sneering, sources close to two-year old Lily Dickenson report that the weak, little baby needs a special seat to ride in the car. Dickenson, who could not be reached for comment, apparently needs a big protective seat for her allegedly fragile and developing spinal cord and her flimsy, weak limbs.
In a press release issued on Thursday, a team of archaeologists working in Egypt announced the unfortunate discovery of a shitty sarcophagus that doesn’t even release a plague of scarabs or summon the god Anubis.
According to the report, the disappointing sarcophagus was discovered in a previously hidden passage of a minor pyramid and didn’t even produce a swarm of locusts when disturbed.
After a wild night He can’t remember, God was reportedly relieved no one has noticed the planet He created while absolutely hammered.
“I can’t believe I just let it exist like that,” God said while holding a bottle of Pedialyte. “I’m gonna be in deep shit if someone finds out about this.”
According to God, the planet is positioned squarely in the center of the Asteroid Belt and is just a large, misshapen clump of rock and ice debris.
It’s me: Steve Jobs. Just as I innovated during my lifetime by inventing the the iPod, the iPhone, and Mac computers, I’m now innovating in the beyond. I live in your phone. It’s my house now!
As I passed from your world to the afterlife, I was frightened.
Like many people, I’m tired of the divisiveness that’s so prevalent in our current political climate. Since when has politics been about disagreement and conflict? I want us to go back to when the parties could roll their sleeves up and pass legislation.
Dwayne Mesa, local sales analyst and fervent fan of the board game Clue as well as the Clue media franchise, found out Saturday that murder mysteries aren’t so fun when the victim is your beloved Aunt Shirley.
“Well Clue is cool because you get to solve a mystery and it’s all over in an hour,” Mesa said, “But this is way longer and way more high stakes.”
Mesa also showed surprise at the lack of creative murder methods.
Sources report that first-year student Stanley Acheson, a self-purported “huge liberal,” has no fucking clue what’s gonna hit him. The freshman, who routinely sports a Hillary Clinton campaign shirt and intends to concentrate in political science, is blissfully unaware of the righteous cyclone of leftism that’s going to absolutely knock him the fuck out.
Students report that first-year mechanical engineering concentrator David Klein, who will one day start a toaster-sharing startup, summarily dismissed the entire field of anthropology on Monday.
Klein, whose business model will involve allowing people who own toasters to loan out slots of their toasters to those without toasters for a fee, scoffed at the “uselessness” of anthropology.
Lord Swanth, the hordes have drawn far closer than the messengers had predicted. Our
ramparts on the plains of Monjoor proved comically useless against their war-beasts and they’re at the shining gates of our fair city. Though we’re pouring hot tar over the city walls, our reserves are running out and the horde has already slain half of our Oil Marshals.