“It just doesn’t feel fair,” said Jeremy Allen White, who was a favorite to win in spite of his nepotism allegations. “Some of us put in the work every day, hitting griddies and getting our swag on, and this rookie gets to waltz in and take the W without knowing a single vape trick? Screw this DEI shit, man. The Academy’s gone woke.”

“I acknowledge that I am standing on the shoulders of giants,” said Paxson during her acceptance speech after The Academy of Geeked Out White Boys released a statement denying that Paxson’s gender was considered in their decision, which they claim was based purely on merit, sauce, and pickleball skills. “I want to thank industry legends like Justin Timberlake and Benjamin Franklin for paving the way for me to be the first woman to ever receive this honor. At the end of the day, being a white boy isn’t about race or gender—it’s a state of mind.”

At press time, President Paxson was placing the award in her trophy cabinet, right next to her medal for “Most Students Arrested In One Academic Year.”