Jake's articles
Last Sunday night, local soup lover and life-long dyslexic Jim Jameson was saddened to find the brothel he had just entered utterly devoid of broth.
“I’m like four, five bread bowls deep at this point, so I’m pretty far gone, but I remember seeing a sign that said Hot Ladles Ready For Action, and that’s an offer I’ll never refuse,” recounted the cream of mushroom connoisseur, breaking out a jug of chicken stock after misreading a stop sign.
Sixty-eight-year-old Ernest Bluebonnet was outraged this past Sunday when he discovered that his washing machine had two separate settings for ‘Whites’ and ‘Normal.’
“How dare they tell me what settings I can and can’t use just because of my race! White people are so oppressed these days,” said Bluebonnet, blissfully unaware of both washing machine operation and systemic racism.
Recent studies show that TikTok sensation Sombr is not nearly attractive enough to be that bad at singing.
“Most of the time, when you have a guy like this, he’s either got a really good voice, or he’s got a face like a young Tom Cruise,” explained music industry executive Mark Abrams, perusing his catalog of nieces to find pop’s next big star.
Field analysis indicates that the overpopulation in Brown’s a cappella community could easily be mitigated through massive, tournament-style violence.
“It’s really the only way forward,” said SAO manager Bowen Fleming after the demand for silly little hats had risen by over 80 percent.
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