Jake's articles
Visual Arts Professor Anna Marinson is excited to get back to campus so she can continue holding space in her 12-person Feminist Furniture-Making seminar.
“Honestly, there’s nothing I love more than deconstructing liminal paradigms from a postmodernist perspective,” said Marinson, pacing Lacanianly around her Page-Rob classroom.
Last Sunday night, local soup lover and life-long dyslexic Jim Jameson was saddened to find the brothel he had just entered utterly devoid of broth.
“I’m like four, five bread bowls deep at this point, so I’m pretty far gone, but I remember seeing a sign that said Hot Ladles Ready For Action, and that’s an offer I’ll never refuse,” recounted the cream of mushroom connoisseur, breaking out a jug of chicken stock after misreading a stop sign.
Sixty-eight-year-old Ernest Bluebonnet was outraged this past Sunday when he discovered that his washing machine had two separate settings for ‘Whites’ and ‘Normal.’
“How dare they tell me what settings I can and can’t use just because of my race! White people are so oppressed these days,” said Bluebonnet, blissfully unaware of both washing machine operation and systemic racism.
Recent studies show that TikTok sensation Sombr is not nearly attractive enough to be that bad at singing.
“Most of the time, when you have a guy like this, he’s either got a really good voice, or he’s got a face like a young Tom Cruise,” explained music industry executive Mark Abrams, perusing his catalog of nieces to find pop’s next big star.
Field analysis indicates that the overpopulation in Brown’s a cappella community could easily be mitigated through massive, tournament-style violence.
“It’s really the only way forward,” said SAO manager Bowen Fleming after the demand for silly little hats had risen by over 80 percent.
Early Thursday morning, junior Amy Lin received a When2meet to find the best times for her to sit awkwardly in the hall outside their triple while her roommate fucked.
“I’m not really sure how to feel about it,” said Lin over the sound of Careless Whisper blaring from behind her locked dormitory door.
In a shocking upset, Brown University President Christina Paxson was recently presented with the prestigious “White Boy Of The Year” award.
“It just doesn’t feel fair,” said Jeremy Allen White, who was a favorite to win in spite of his nepotism allegations.
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