“We checked thoroughly,” explained Res Life officer Lucas McCrowley. "But there was nothing. I was hopeful when I got a whiff of cannabis in the hallway, but I guess that must be the lit people living it up next door.”

“There weren’t even any candles or hazardous lights hanging on fire sprinklers,” added McCrowley. “Do they even have any fun?”

At press time, inspectors were further disappointed to not even find one piece of University lounge furniture in the dorm room.