Christina Paxson announced yesterday that Brown University was thrilled to welcome the incoming Class of 2022 with a pair of small, cotton gloves with the unrecognizable bear logo and a $10,000 increase in tuition.
“There’s no better way to show how excited we are about the diverse, bright young minds entering our institution than to send them a pair of gloves that they could reasonably buy for $5 on Amazon and to charge them more for an already obscenely expensive education,” explained Paxson, adding that she believes Admissions has really taken into account what the Brown community truly wants and needs.
Sources report that junior Margie Hough expressed genuine distress over how broke she was even though she was very visibly holding a pamplemouse LaCroix that cost way too much for some bubbly water with half-faded flavor.
Seen longingly gazing at the people swinging in the windows of By Chloe, Hough felt her pre-allowance checking account balance weigh heavily on her.
Checking her phone and finding seven passive-aggressive texts from her mother, Jessica Moore ’19 reported that the tensions between she and her mom from winter break would not be easily forgotten. She went on to say that this has been happening ever since she ignored her mom while hanging out with friends over winter break.
Sources report freshman Jenny Mathews was relieved when she saw only one question on her Public Policy 440 final exam: How do you propose to solve institutional racism?
“I was expecting something like this,” Mathews confided, “and I think after three lectures per week over seven weeks given by a professor whose office hours I went to a few times, and after reading most of the assigned articles which in reality represent a little sample of the available literature on the subject through the perceptive of a very niche sub-category, I felt really prepared to solve institutional racism in a five-paragraph essay.”
“It was definitely the five-minute brainstorm right before the exam that allowed me to tackle this issue that no politician or theorist has ever been able to fully address.”
“I left the room feeling proud of my work,” continued Mathews, adding that this was an essay she would definitely attach as a three to five page writing sample on her next job application.
Quickly dropping her smile, local woman Leslie Turner expertly struck “no tip” as soon as the barista turned his back to make her drink, scribbling her signature, and smiling just in time for the barista to return with her medium almond milk low-calorie vanilla latte with light, stiff foam.
Pulling up to the DMV in his mom’s Prius, cool kid Chris Baker kept popping wheelies throughout his driver’s test.
“At first Chris seemed pretty nervous," said driving instructor Dave Smith, "he almost mixed up his left and his right. But when we got to the open lot, he suddenly started popping those wheelies.