After three solid months of continuous use, sophomore Drew Kris’s unwashed water bottle is particularly excited for winter break.
“This will represent my first wash ever,” explained the bottle. “I was acquired at some random event, and Kris just jumped right in.
In a press conference last week, the FDA reported that all-natural deodorant is not working at all.
“Just because there is a photo-realistic artistic rendering of a pre-processed lavender bud on the label does not mean that this stuff will do the trick,” the report emphasized.
Sources report that, in anticipation of a semester in the nation’s capital, weird “Brown in Washington, D.C.” fellowship participant George Paul ‘21 is acting like he’s abroad. Just an hour’s plane ride away from Providence, Paul explained how excited he was for a “life-changing” experience.
In a recent email to members of his club, Jeremiah Jorge reported that adding a hyperlink definitely took his email up by at least a few notches. “Rather than a jumble of letters and numbers, I condensed all that into one cute little phrase,” explained Jorge, high off of seeing the regular black text change to blue and become underlined.
Sources at a recent career fair report that a single branded water bottle was all it took to convince liberal arts concentrator Jenny Smith ‘20 to sell out. Despite walking into the recent career fair intentionally avoiding the venture capital and consulting firms, the water bottle really caught Smith’s eye.
Sources report that the cool Res Life inspectors have cited a room for no evidence of drugs or alcohol.
“We checked thoroughly,” explained Res Life officer Lucas McCrowley. "But there was nothing. I was hopeful when I got a whiff of cannabis in the hallway, but I guess that must be the lit people living it up next door.”
“There weren’t even any candles or hazardous lights hanging on fire sprinklers,” added McCrowley.
At Goldman Sachs’ Fall 2018 recruiting session, sophomore Economics concentrator Mike Lewis showed up in a full tuxedo, sources report.
“In order to network successfully, you have to make an impression,” Lewis said, adding, "This was just a logical and completely reasonable response to the situation.
As Halloween quickly approaches, sources report that Susie Newman, a first year from Vermont, is being a little too optimistic as she plans for a group Halloween costume.
“Me and Jules and Meggie are just so tight,” said Newman, while meticulously combing through Pinterest for inspiration.
In response to widespread student frustration about the inability to return textbooks, the Brown Bookstore recently admitted that their textbook buy-back program is just taking the ones with shiny covers. “Listen, the shiny ones are just prettier,” argued bookstore manager Ted Dorsey, who doesn’t plan on settling for anything less.
Sources report that despite giving out his phone number and generic advice on general subjects at the end of their first advising meeting, Meiklejohn Jordy Houston, would not actually be happy to get coffee whenever.
“Oh, yeah, I guess I said that I was their student guide and here for anything they need, be it academic or social or anything,” explained Houston when reached for a comment, “But c’mon.
Members of Unit 4 report that after move-in day, the first unit meeting, and orientation activities, it had become clear to them that the freshman who had been active in the dorm GroupMe was exactly as annoying as expected.
“When I first found out housing," recalled Cindy Lei.
Christina Paxson announced yesterday that Brown University was thrilled to welcome the incoming Class of 2022 with a pair of small, cotton gloves with the unrecognizable bear logo and a $10,000 increase in tuition.
“There’s no better way to show how excited we are about the diverse, bright young minds entering our institution than to send them a pair of gloves that they could reasonably buy for $5 on Amazon and to charge them more for an already obscenely expensive education,” explained Paxson, adding that she believes Admissions has really taken into account what the Brown community truly wants and needs.
Sources report that junior Margie Hough expressed genuine distress over how broke she was even though she was very visibly holding a pamplemouse LaCroix that cost way too much for some bubbly water with half-faded flavor.
Seen longingly gazing at the people swinging in the windows of By Chloe, Hough felt her pre-allowance checking account balance weigh heavily on her.
Checking her phone and finding seven passive-aggressive texts from her mother, Jessica Moore ’19 reported that the tensions between she and her mom from winter break would not be easily forgotten. She went on to say that this has been happening ever since she ignored her mom while hanging out with friends over winter break.
Sources report freshman Jenny Mathews was relieved when she saw only one question on her Public Policy 440 final exam: How do you propose to solve institutional racism?
“I was expecting something like this,” Mathews confided, “and I think after three lectures per week over seven weeks given by a professor whose office hours I went to a few times, and after reading most of the assigned articles which in reality represent a little sample of the available literature on the subject through the perceptive of a very niche sub-category, I felt really prepared to solve institutional racism in a five-paragraph essay.”
“It was definitely the five-minute brainstorm right before the exam that allowed me to tackle this issue that no politician or theorist has ever been able to fully address.”
“I left the room feeling proud of my work,” continued Mathews, adding that this was an essay she would definitely attach as a three to five page writing sample on her next job application.
Quickly dropping her smile, local woman Leslie Turner expertly struck “no tip” as soon as the barista turned his back to make her drink, scribbling her signature, and smiling just in time for the barista to return with her medium almond milk low-calorie vanilla latte with light, stiff foam.
Pulling up to the DMV in his mom’s Prius, cool kid Chris Baker kept popping wheelies throughout his driver’s test.
“At first Chris seemed pretty nervous," said driving instructor Dave Smith, "he almost mixed up his left and his right. But when we got to the open lot, he suddenly started popping those wheelies.