"Women say they like a man in uniform, but that hasn't been my experience," admits Officer Matt Carson, who, despite serving on the Brown Police force for the past 4 years, has yet to get any tail at a single Brown party he's attended.

"Me and my partner got a call last Saturday telling us about this out-of-control party on Brook Street. Music so loud it was keeping the whole block awake; under-aged drunk girls - it sounded awesome. But as soon as I got there, everyone took one look at me and left," exclaimed Carson. "I knew I shouldn't have worn those pants!"

Unfortunately, this kind of reception is not uncommon at Brown parties. Officers frequently report feeling "unwanted" and "out of place" when they arrive. When Deputy Officer Jim Daniels showed up at a party in New Dorm last Friday he overheard comments such as "Hide the booze!" and "OK, who called DPS?"

"I don't get it. I'm an attractive guy. I've got a car. And I know how to handle my gun-if you know what I mean."

We weren't even there to drink," added Daniels. "We were already totally wasted."

In fact, most officers have trouble even finding out about parties at Brown. No, this isn't some cliquey high school, but students seem to go to great lengths to hide party times and locations from "uncool" DPS officers at this "accepting" and "open minded" university.

"I've never once even gotten a Facebook invite. I always find out about parties secondhand - usually the night of - if I find out about them at all. I know I may not be the most popular girl at Brown, but it really hurts to be excluded so deliberately," elaborated Lieutenant Barbara Clemson. "Not to mention making it practically impossible to find a guy to occupy my vagistan."

Perhaps this anti-DPS sentiment is best summed up by the students themselves. When the Noser asked Nicholas Muniz '11 how he would feel about DPS showing up at a party he was hosting, he put it simply: "That would suck."

But DPS officers object to this kind of treatment. In their minds, they make the perfect party attendees. Officer Carson gave this impassioned plea for an end to the discrimination.

"I just want all the students reading this to know: We're fun guys. We know how to have a good time. And we're down to fuck."