“It’s sad to say goodbye after so many years serving our Providence neighbors,” said owner and Fox Point resident Mikey Tumbles, reflecting on Brown purchasing and subsequently demolishing the family business to make space for yet another dorm. “But at least they’re repurposing the lot for a cause sure to strengthen the community: giving teenagers more places to get real freaky.”

“In this economy, we just couldn’t turn down Brown’s seven-figure buyout,” continued Tumbles, grateful that after 50 years of memories as a family business, freshmen can create new memories of asking their roommate to sleep on the floor outside. “I rest easy knowing that a few hundred 18-year-olds will get the life-changing chance to try making $5 string lights and twin-XL beds sexy.”

At press time, Fox Point residents were glad to see their rent skyrocket just so 22-year-olds can have sex.