Wednesday, April 14, 2021
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The Brown Noser

Noah Feldman

Writer

Noah's articles

Chocolatier On Quest To Discover What The Hell Nougat Is | Apr 09 2021

Scouring volumes of online recipes and ancient manuscripts, local chocolatier Buster Sweetings was reportedly on a quest to figure out what the hell nougat is. “I’m the premier chocolatier in my confectionary district, so I get a lot of inquiries into my craft,” Sweetings said, frolicking jubilantly through candy cane-lined marshes in his search for the true meaning of nougat.

Freshman Psyched To Spend Summer Sweating Ass Off In Cinderblock Dorm | Apr 09 2021

Looking forward to returning to Wooley Hall for the summer semester, area freshman Freddy Wong ’24 was pretty psyched to spend the summer sweating his ass off in his cinderblock dorm room. “I hear Providence is absolutely beautiful in the summer,” said Wong, looking forward to dreading every second he spends in his dorm this summer.

Medieval Studies Dept. Recommends Alchemizing Own Vaccine With Household Eye Of Newt, Thoroughwort Elixir, Myrrh | Mar 12 2021

In an effort to facilitate vaccine distribution, Brown’s Department of Medieval Studies recommended last Tuesday that students alchemize their own vaccines using household eye of newt, thoroughwort elixir, and myrrh. “Shoulde herd immunitee bee what thee seeke, into thine own alchemical laboratoree thee must peeke,” said chair of Medieval Studies Peter Antwerp, urging students to harness the power of alchemical transmutation in the fight against COVID-19.

BDH Article’s Stock Photo Great Reminder Of What Brown Looks Like | Mar 12 2021

Perusing a recent BDH article titled “Administration Approves 2022 Budget,” Sam Ruffalo ‘21 reported that the attached University Hall stock photo was a great reminder of what Brown looks like. “Thanks to that picture of University Hall, not only am I reminded of exactly what our campus looks like, but I also have a much, much better sense of the article’s contents,” said Ruffalo, grateful for such journalistic precision.

Main Green Bicyclist Blissfully Unaware Other People Exist | Mar 12 2021

Cutting his bike through a pack of students on the Main Green, Jeremy McIntosh ‘23 was blissfully unaware of the fact that other people exist. “On days like today, I just like to hop on my bike, feel that sweet Providence breeze, and go wherever the road takes me,” said McIntosh as he nearly steamrolled an elderly couple.

Professor Really Going Out On Limb With Fuck, Marry, Kill Icebreaker | Mar 12 2021

Reflecting on yesterday’s ANTH 1460 class, Lucy Buckley ’22 reported that her professor was really going out on a limb with that “Fuck, Marry, Kill” icebreaker. “I get that it’s nice to loosen things up a bit, but this may not have been the way to go,” said Buckley, commenting on her professor’s surprising move to have each student express their innermost carnal fantasies about one another.

Thousands Of New Year's Resolutions To Not Violently Storm Capitol Instantly Broken | Feb 05 2021

As the new year settled in last month, thousands of New Year’s resolutions to not violently storm the Capitol were instantly broken. “I really came into this year hoping to debut the new me,” said Seamus Beardsman, who had just returned from storming the Capitol.

First-Year Looking To Foster Diverse Community Of Civil War Allies | Feb 05 2021

Diving eagerly into her first semester at Brown, Katie Welsher ’24 reported that she is looking to foster a diverse community of civil war allies. “One of the reasons I came to Brown was for its diverse study body,” said Welsher, explaining her eagerness to form a robust pack of guerilla warriors in anticipation of the second American Civil War.

Clever Man Going To Put Mask On Statue | Feb 05 2021

Prepared to redefine the entire framework of comedy itself, clever man Mitchell Schwartz ‘22 fastened a surgical mask onto Brown’s Caesar Augustus statue this past Wednesday. “It’s pretty funny, because statues can’t get infected with COVID, much less transmit it to students and faculty, so it’s a really classic comedy set-up,” commented Schwartz after turning comedy on its head as a crowd gathered and erupted in laughter by the statue.