Scouring volumes of online recipes and ancient manuscripts, local chocolatier Buster Sweetings was reportedly on a quest to figure out what the hell nougat is.
“I’m the premier chocolatier in my confectionary district, so I get a lot of inquiries into my craft,” Sweetings said, frolicking jubilantly through candy cane-lined marshes in his search for the true meaning of nougat.
Looking forward to returning to Wooley Hall for the summer semester, area freshman Freddy Wong ’24 was pretty psyched to spend the summer sweating his ass off in his cinderblock dorm room.
“I hear Providence is absolutely beautiful in the summer,” said Wong, looking forward to dreading every second he spends in his dorm this summer.
In an effort to facilitate vaccine distribution, Brown’s Department of Medieval Studies recommended last Tuesday that students alchemize their own vaccines using household eye of newt, thoroughwort elixir, and myrrh.
“Shoulde herd immunitee bee what thee seeke, into thine own alchemical laboratoree thee must peeke,” said chair of Medieval Studies Peter Antwerp, urging students to harness the power of alchemical transmutation in the fight against COVID-19.
Perusing a recent BDH article titled “Administration Approves 2022 Budget,” Sam Ruffalo ‘21 reported that the attached University Hall stock photo was a great reminder of what Brown looks like. “Thanks to that picture of University Hall, not only am I reminded of exactly what our campus looks like, but I also have a much, much better sense of the article’s contents,” said Ruffalo, grateful for such journalistic precision.
Cutting his bike through a pack of students on the Main Green, Jeremy McIntosh ‘23 was blissfully unaware of the fact that other people exist.
“On days like today, I just like to hop on my bike, feel that sweet Providence breeze, and go wherever the road takes me,” said McIntosh as he nearly steamrolled an elderly couple.
Reflecting on yesterday’s ANTH 1460 class, Lucy Buckley ’22 reported that her professor was really going out on a limb with that “Fuck, Marry, Kill” icebreaker.
“I get that it’s nice to loosen things up a bit, but this may not have been the way to go,” said Buckley, commenting on her professor’s surprising move to have each student express their innermost carnal fantasies about one another.
As the new year settled in last month, thousands of New Year’s resolutions to not violently storm the Capitol were instantly broken.
“I really came into this year hoping to debut the new me,” said Seamus Beardsman, who had just returned from storming the Capitol.
Diving eagerly into her first semester at Brown, Katie Welsher ’24 reported that she is looking to foster a diverse community of civil war allies.
“One of the reasons I came to Brown was for its diverse study body,” said Welsher, explaining her eagerness to form a robust pack of guerilla warriors in anticipation of the second American Civil War.
Prepared to redefine the entire framework of comedy itself, clever man Mitchell Schwartz ‘22 fastened a surgical mask onto Brown’s Caesar Augustus statue this past Wednesday. “It’s pretty funny, because statues can’t get infected with COVID, much less transmit it to students and faculty, so it’s a really classic comedy set-up,” commented Schwartz after turning comedy on its head as a crowd gathered and erupted in laughter by the statue.