Reports from Brenda Ditty ’24 indicate that all the articles on The Brown Daily Herald’s Opinions page have really given her tons to not think about. “Wow, I never really thought about how Providence should put more crosswalks near public swimming pools! And I never will again!” said Ditty, perusing her peers’ thoughtful takes on everything from the importance of implementing more designated yodeling spaces on campus to impassioned pleas for everyone to boycott the internet.
Area student Gunther Twong ’25 was reportedly deriving sadistic pleasure as he held a door open for a woman who was 50 feet away. “Yes, come to me. That’s right, do your dainty little run-walk thingy. Struggle, you oaf. Shuffle my way. Ah, yes! Shuffle!” said Twong, experiencing a rush of euphoria at the thought of inviting someone to awkwardly wobble for ten painfully long seconds.
Feeling an eerie sense of 1997 déjà vu, singer-songwriter Elton John has decided to start re-rehearsing his hit threnody “Candle In The Wind” after seeing how Queen Elizabeth II has looked lately.
“Yowch. Better get practicing, Elton,” reported John to himself after catching a glimpse of the 96-year-old monarch’s general state and appearance.
Strapping himself into the cockpit of the moon-bound rocket ship, Russian cosmonaut Andrei Vlodomyrivich reportedly spent his entire life training for this mission only to share the journey with a literal monkey.
“Seriously? Do you have any idea how hard it is to become an astronaut? There’s no way Regis has a PhD in engineering.
Sources behind the yellow tape indicate that crime scene photographer Buster Brewster keeps insisting that the murder victim’s corpse take a silly one. “Ok, everybody looks great! Alright, now that all the serious stuff’s over, time for a silly one! Let’s get silly, people!” said Brewster to the freshly-deceased murder victim and a slew of onlooking detectives.
Sources near Franklin B. Pierce Elementary have reported that a group of boys have been treating The Guinness Book of World Records like it’s a sacred text. “Behold! The word of Guinness himself is upon us! Let us see what The Good Book says about the world’s longest tongue! Huzzah, the great miracle of the world’s tallest and smallest men side-by-side! May we protect this book of miracles at all costs!” said third grader Sam Millford, treating the glossy-bound world record compilation like it’s the holy book of an Abrahamic faith.
Fourth grade sources from Marjorie Slege Elementary School recently reported that their history curriculum was placing a ton of emphasis on cornucopias. “Cornucopias are alright, I guess, though I’m not totally sure why we’re drawing six of them every day,” said fourth grader Lanie Botluck, who was reportedly enduring two full weeks dedicated to exploring every detail of the twisty Horn of Plenty.
Local middle schooler Travis Whimley has become mostly backpack. “Whoa, how is that backpack moving? Oh, it’s just Travis. Hiya, Travis!” reported teacher Martha Frefflefing, eyeing the hunched sixth grader lug his backpack that must contain everything he’s ever owned. “It’s completely enveloped him. It’s like his backpack has taken on a life of its own and is just using him to transport it places.” At press time, a nearby sheriff was mostly hat.
Attendees at the Haffenreffer Museum’s annual symposium have noted that most of the lectures have been about how living in caves must’ve sucked.
“Wow, our paleolithic ancestors lived pretty exciting lives,” noted audience member Portia Reiss, reflecting on how annoying it must’ve been to start fires by rubbing twigs together.
Flexing his vocal range while knelt over an ailing student’s gurney, Brown EMS volunteer Conrad Boger was seen putting way too much faith in the healing power of song.
“Ahhhh! Aghhh! I need to go to the hospital so bad,” reported Boger’s patient Trevor Llybon, pleading with Boger to stop delivering his rendition of ‘Whistle A Merry Tune To Mend Your Sorrows’ and to start driving the ambulance.
Sources near the fridge indicate that Derrick Tolbiss’s self-described communist roommate won’t even share her takeout with him.
“She’s always going on about ‘alienation this’ and ‘means of production that,’” reported Tolbiss, eyeing a half-full takeout container marked ‘SARAH’ in black sharpie.
Vigorously whipping a plastic discus to and fro during last Tuesday’s game, members of Brown’s Ultimate Frisbee Team were reportedly calling themselves that as if there were any other kind of frisbee team at Brown.
“Men’s Ultimate really pulled out a fantastic win today,” said team captain Grayson Wrutscale, referring to his sport as though it were necessary to distinguish it from against some less-ultimate frisbee variety.
Reports from nearby the kitchen sink suggest that area dad Bill Henderson is clearly in love with the plumber. “Geez, these two need to get a room for cryin’ out loud,” reported Henderson’s son Jackson, watching his obviously smitten father gape at the plumber’s every move as if filled with undying infatuation.
In a public statement released last Wednesday, the nation’s TV love interests have announced plans to begin texting their feelings, hesitate, and then delete them entirely. “After getting an ‘R U ok?’ text from Devon, we’ve been up all night seriously weighing our options,” said the nation’s TV love interests, moments before mustering up the courage to communicate their exact thoughts in a healthy way but then delete them and go with something more coy.
A new study out of the Birmingham Research Foundation has proven once and for all that everyone taller than you is also older than you. “Our research settles the long-fought battle between the height and age sciences,” detailed the report’s author Dr.
Shaking their heads in amazement, faculty at Peabody Elementary School in Johnston have reported that third grader Clayton Baumsdale brilliantly started his acrostic poem with the same word. “Never in my fifty-nine years have I seen something so simple and yet so elegant.
Miserably pretending to enjoy the screeches and squawks emitted from Jefferson Elementary’s auditorium stage, parent Julius Tube reported that his son’s fifth grade orchestra was actually doing a horrible job.
“This is really, really awful.
Ah, sweet Josephine, moseying about in your little flower dress! My my, darling, I haven’t seen you in ages. What has it been, four, twelve years? Why don’t you do a twirl for grandma! Come on now, sweet daffodil, show Grandma your special dance! That’s right, dance for Grandma!
Look at you, darling Josephine, prancing around just like you did when you were a babe.
In a city-wide announcement issued Tuesday, Providence City Comptroller Aaron Greenley unveiled his groundbreaking plan to figure out what his job is.
“It’s high time that our city officials commit to some bureaucratic transparency,” said Greenley, promising to fulfill his comptrolling duties to the fullest as soon as he learns what that entails.
Responding to his son’s inquiry into how things are going, area dad Bill Henderson reported that he was living the dream. “Livin’ the dream, champ. Livin’ the dream,” Henderson reported, appraising the various yardwork tasks he had to do that day. “Doesn’t get much better than this. Just a man, his mower, and his land. Can’t get better than this.” At press time, Mom reported that everything was awful.
Sources report that Parisian Nighttimes, an English-language film set in France, is just gonna have every character speak in a British accent. “It’s just easier for everyone this way, don’t you think?” reported director Francis Heimlich, justifying his choice to have the British, French, and even German characters speak as though they all lived in London their entire lives.
Sources inside Ms. Clarke’s ninth-grade classroom report that holy crap they flipped right to that page haha. “Oh my god Ms. Clarke can you believe it I flipped right to that page haha,” reported student Jack Pickler after cracking his book open to the exact page Ms.
Sources inside the Henderson household report that area mom Cheryl Henderson once did that at a Barry Manilow concert. “Oh that? Oh your mother sure knew how to do that back in the day,” said dad Bill Henderson, relating that your mother definitely tried a whole host of wacky stuff during a single 1988 performance of American singer-songwriter Barry Manilow.
According to a recent press statement, Senator Joe Manchin (D-WV) will reverse his ‘No’-vote on the Build Back Better Act in response to a heap of persuasive letters from Mrs. Jeffries’ sixth grade class.
“Up to now, I stood firmly against any federal investments in human infrastructure,” read Manchin’s press statement, referencing his staunch opposition which could only be wavered by a sack of letters from sixth grade civics students.
According to witnesses at Garfield Elementary, fourth grade teacher Mrs. Debuke was reportedly dangling an end-of-year pizza party over her students’ heads like it was some sort of hostage situation.
“You all need to follow my instructions very, very carefully,” Debuke said, bargaining with the fourth graders about a pizza party as if she were issuing a list of demands with life-or-death consequences.
According to a recent exposé from Vox, that thing you own is good but also bad. “By all accounts, that thing you like is an environmental miracle. The company that manufactures it has achieved net-negative carbon emissions, eschewing fossil fuels in favor of wind, solar, and hydro power,” explained the ten-paged article, accompanied by a ninety-minute podcast.
Uhhhhh ladiesandgentlemen from the flight deck uhhhh thisisyourcaptainspeaking wiiith my excellent copilotJoshua uhhhhh weee’re startingourinitialdescentinto uhhhh BostonLogan uhhhhh weeeeeeee’re gonnabelandinginabout uhhhh twentyorsominutes uhhhh currentlyatacruisingaltitudeof uhhh 475 milesperhour uhhhhhh.
In the culmination of decades of field and computational research, the Department of Applied Mathematics recently concluded that subtraction happens in the real world too.
“Our research proves that mathematicians must no longer confine subtraction to the realm of abstract theorems,” said Associate Professor Glenn Weiss, aiming his laser-pointer at infographics riddled with big plus and minus signs.
Sources report that a single Blueno Bears Admirers post containing only the message “Ben <3” has made every single Brown student named Ben felt so gosh-darn wonderful. “Wow, I can’t believe someone would make a BBA just for me,” reported Ben Trotschwicz ’22.5, blushing over the thought that he could be the one Ben the BBA intended to reach.
Eyeing construction of the new dormitory on Brook Street, Fox Point gem Aaron’s Best Bagels was just glad it was getting demolished to be replaced with a building in which 18-year-olds can have sex.
“It’s sad to say goodbye after so many years serving our Providence neighbors,” said owner and Fox Point resident Mikey Tumbles, reflecting on Brown purchasing and subsequently demolishing the family business to make space for yet another dorm.
Thumping his fist on some exposed drywall, area dad Bill Henderson would bet anything that’s a load-bearing wall. “I’d bet the deed to my entire house that wall’s load-bearing right there,” said Henderson, hiking up his jeans and rethinking his entire home improvement plan.
According to reports from Temple Beth-El in Cranston, local punk and Rabbi Ari Goldberg really only likes God’s early stuff.
“Everybody knows God did His best work in the 2000s BC,” said Goldberg, explaining his decided preference for God’s earlier material.
Point: Book Culture Must Be Salvaged by Raymond Smathers, PhD
Academia is in crisis. Our libraries are crumbling, disciplines like history, English, and the classics face extinction, and books spend most of their lives collecting dust. In the face of an increasingly digital world, it’s imperative that our academic institutions uphold the remnants of book culture.
Toggling his Wii remote between facial features and head sizes, local child TJ Cluckins reported that he was going to make the most fucked-up Mii imaginable. “None of these facial features will go where they should,” said Cluckins, determined to Frankenstein the most grotesque creature the world has ever seen.
In a campus-wide statement issued last week, University administrators announced their plan to end legacy admissions right after all their kids get accepted to Brown.
“Brown is committed to leveling the playing field in its admissions process,” said Dean of Admissions Logan Powell, balancing student calls to end legacy admissions with the reality that lots of administrators have children.
A new report from the National League of Doctors has admitted that the circle thing on doctors’ heads is what gives them doctor powers. “After centuries of lying to patients, it’s time to come clean: we doctors are nothing without the big shiny circle,” reported lead spokesperson Dr.
Sources report that Comparative Literature student Jarvis Albright ’24.5 was declaring similarities between one book and another book.
“It’s clear that these texts beg to be compared,” said Albright, introducing his latest academic insight.
Growing less enthusiastic about Brown’s campus culture with every passing minute, prospective student Macy Peters reported that her tour guide was getting a little too excited about that skin book Brown keeps in the John Hay Library.
“I was really hoping to hear more about academics and campus life, but everything always came back to that skin book,” reported Peters, reflecting on her tour guide’s uncanny ability to relate every element of campus back to the skin book.
Wincing and groaning all the way from the fridge to the couch, area dad Bill Henderson reported that his knees are acting up again. “Ah, gosh, jeez, my knees sure are acting up again,” said Henderson, clutching his knees while exhaling mightily.
Desperately sweeping an endless pile of seeds off his sheets, area man Josh Grapeman reported that his bed would likely never recover from its encounter with a sesame seed bagel. “This is just a disaster,” said Grapeman, increasingly aware that he had just been destined to a life of sleeping in a sesame seed-infested bed.
Artfully raiding the pockets and handbags of unsuspecting pedestrians, local pickpocket Barney Schooner reported that he was mostly in it for the lint.
“When you’ve been picking pockets for as long as I have, you learn to appreciate the little things in life, like lint,” said Schooner, gracefully extracting a phone from a nearby pocket in search of any lint stuck on it.
According to family members near Mickey’s Midtown Diner, oh no, area dad Bill Henderson is talking to the waitress again.
“Oh no, oh god, oh for the love of god make him stop,” said Henderson’s son Jackson, cringing in horror as his dad insisted on addressing the waitress by name.
Point: You Need To Call Me Every Day To Tell Me How You’re Doing And Make Sure To Drink Enough Water And Eat Plenty Of Fruits And Veggies by Mom
Darling, I know you’re having so much fun at college. I just have one teensy tiny little request: you need to make sure to call me every single day to tell me how you’re doing and also you need to make sure to drink enough water and also you need to eat five servings of fruits and vegetables every day.
Holy shit holy shit holy shit dude. Holy shit. Did you just hear that shit dude? Did Mrs. Richards just say penis in front of the whole fricking class?
Pffffffffff I can’t believe this man. She said the p-word dude!! Agh ahahahaha that’s so nasty dude!!
Oh my fricking god.
After getting treated to a surprise one-man concert last Thursday, everyone on the Main Green reported how awfully glad they were that you brought your guitar. “Well gosh golly, isn’t this something?” said everybody who got the pleasure of hearing your interpretation of ‘Stairway to Heaven’ played as loudly as possible.
Sources report that senior Trish Gonzales decided to cut short her nostalgic visit to the Ratty after remembering that, after all, it’s the Ratty.
“I’ve been talking about revisiting the Ratty for months now,” Gonzales said after spending eighteen dollars only to leave five minutes later.
Anxious about completing the new semester in-person, sophomore Glenn Benson ’24 reported that he isn’t sure how he will pass his classes without just googling every answer.
“Everyone always says the second year of college is the hardest,” said Benson, fretting over the uncertainties of a college experience that involves actual studying.
Passing by the construction on Main Street, area dad Bill Henderson reported that wow, all that construction’s really coming along. “Wow, they’re really getting a move-on there,” Henderson commented, squinting and pointing at the half-finished building. “Few weeks ago it was just a foundation and a couple beams. Now it’s got windows and stuff. Whaddayaknow.” At press time, Henderson was tossing off alleged facts about concrete.
Scouring volumes of online recipes and ancient manuscripts, local chocolatier Buster Sweetings was reportedly on a quest to figure out what the hell nougat is.
“I’m the premier chocolatier in my confectionary district, so I get a lot of inquiries into my craft,” Sweetings said, frolicking jubilantly through candy cane-lined marshes in his search for the true meaning of nougat.
Looking forward to returning to Wooley Hall for the summer semester, area freshman Freddy Wong ’24 was pretty psyched to spend the summer sweating his ass off in his cinderblock dorm room.
“I hear Providence is absolutely beautiful in the summer,” said Wong, looking forward to dreading every second he spends in his dorm this summer.
In an effort to facilitate vaccine distribution, Brown’s Department of Medieval Studies recommended last Tuesday that students alchemize their own vaccines using household eye of newt, thoroughwort elixir, and myrrh.
“Shoulde herd immunitee bee what thee seeke, into thine own alchemical laboratoree thee must peeke,” said chair of Medieval Studies Peter Antwerp, urging students to harness the power of alchemical transmutation in the fight against COVID-19.
Perusing a recent BDH article titled “Administration Approves 2022 Budget,” Sam Ruffalo ‘21 reported that the attached University Hall stock photo was a great reminder of what Brown looks like. “Thanks to that picture of University Hall, not only am I reminded of exactly what our campus looks like, but I also have a much, much better sense of the article’s contents,” said Ruffalo, grateful for such journalistic precision.
Cutting his bike through a pack of students on the Main Green, Jeremy McIntosh ‘23 was blissfully unaware of the fact that other people exist.
“On days like today, I just like to hop on my bike, feel that sweet Providence breeze, and go wherever the road takes me,” said McIntosh as he nearly steamrolled an elderly couple.
Reflecting on yesterday’s ANTH 1460 class, Lucy Buckley ’22 reported that her professor was really going out on a limb with that “Fuck, Marry, Kill” icebreaker.
“I get that it’s nice to loosen things up a bit, but this may not have been the way to go,” said Buckley, commenting on her professor’s surprising move to have each student express their innermost carnal fantasies about one another.
As the new year settled in last month, thousands of New Year’s resolutions to not violently storm the Capitol were instantly broken.
“I really came into this year hoping to debut the new me,” said Seamus Beardsman, who had just returned from storming the Capitol.
Diving eagerly into her first semester at Brown, Katie Welsher ’24 reported that she is looking to foster a diverse community of civil war allies.
“One of the reasons I came to Brown was for its diverse study body,” said Welsher, explaining her eagerness to form a robust pack of guerilla warriors in anticipation of the second American Civil War.
Prepared to redefine the entire framework of comedy itself, clever man Mitchell Schwartz ‘22 fastened a surgical mask onto Brown’s Caesar Augustus statue this past Wednesday. “It’s pretty funny, because statues can’t get infected with COVID, much less transmit it to students and faculty, so it’s a really classic comedy set-up,” commented Schwartz after turning comedy on its head as a crowd gathered and erupted in laughter by the statue.