“Our department advises that you pretend that this was all a bad dream and forget what you saw here,” said department spokesperson Casey Shein, laying a gun on the podium before continuing. “In the interest of everyone’s safety, especially your own, we highly suggest that you drop this investigation.”

“For future reference, we also recommend that you stop sticking your nose where it doesn’t belong,” continued Shein, directing reporters’ attention away from the strange sounds coming from behind him. “We urge you to consider the health and safety of your family as well, including your wife and 6-year-old daughter, who arrive home from school every day at 3:30 and often forget to lock the front door.”

“In fact, we’d like to pose a question to all the reporters in the room right now,” announced Shein, while passing out envelopes containing incriminating photos of each reporter taking bribes or having affairs. “Is this investigation really worth it?”

At press time, the National Union of Security Guards Investigating Things at Night announced that this was above their pay grade.