Henry's articles
A local punk who’s cruisin’ for a bruisin’ is reportedly about to be severely outclassed by a man who’s truckin’ for a fuckin’.
“Yeah, what are you gonna do about it, loser? That’s right, nothing!” jeered local annoyance Robert Petty, clapping in the face of a man who will be clapping him shortly.
A recent Dance Cam at TD Garden captured a group of idiotic fans waving at the Jumbotron instead of remaining hilariously ignorant of the panopticon’s design.
“No, no, NO! This is not how it’s supposed to be! Stop waving and keep dancing, you clueless imbeciles,” barked camera operator Devin Clark, swiveling his device away from the fans who had apparently become aware of the constant surveillance they have been subject to within the Foucauldian prison.
A local baby is reportedly too ugly to have not done something terrible in his previous life.
“Now, I’m no phrenologist, but the shape of this baby’s head has ‘former evil doer’ written all over it,” said infant morality specialist Dr.
After a hard-fought and incredibly sticky battle, the leader of a local polycule has been dethroned by a younger, hornier challenger.
“You fought well, but not well enough,” said Pyra Lindhorst, standing over the defeated and drained former champion of the polyamorous collective.
Recent reports suggest that a guy who’s already having a bad day has no idea that I’m about to rob him.
“Well, it started this morning when I spilled my coffee on myself while I was driving to work,” grumbled Stanley Parsons while unwittingly turning the corner down the dark alley where I lay in wait.
Earlier today, a statistics professor was reportedly struggling to establish causality between a bloody knife and his gaping stab wound.
“You’d think this would be a pretty clear case of causality, but really all we know is that there is a strong positive correlation between our variables,” said Professor Peter Briston, wincing as he pulled the handle of the blood-soaked knife from his abdomen.
Just moments ago, your ant-like friend was seen freaking the fuck out about a potato chip he found on the ground.
“Holy shit, like, HOLY SHIT,” said your ant-like friend Anthony Flik, gnashing his mandibles and rubbing his arms over his enormous eyes in disbelief.
POINT: You’ve Had A Second Family For Years, How Could You Betray Me And Your Children Like This?
by Aggrieved Wife
Thirteen years of marriage, and you’ve had a second family for ten of them. Ten fucking years. How could you do this to me? To our kids? I don’t even know how I’m going to explain this to them.
A local student announcing their dinner plans has reportedly massively overestimated their sway in the group chat.
“Feel free to meet me there!” read the hopelessly naive text from sophomore Stan Karne, failing to convince even the hungriest members of the group chat.
A 16-freshman pileup has left the northbound Ratty walkway at a complete standstill.
“It’s looking pretty bad down there, I see a lot of spilled plates,” reported Ratty correspondent Peter Mulligan ‘27 from a helicopter overhead. “It couldn’t have happened at a worse place; this accident has completely clogged up the exit ramp to the ice cream machine.”
“Thankfully, onsite responders are reporting no serious injuries or casualties for now,” stated Mulligan, pointing toward the pile of immobile first-year students now spilling into the grill station.
POINT:
You think you can fool me without consequences? Nay, I say! You, a fooler of men, are deserving of shame. Shame indeed! To fool me once is once too far, and now you shall be shamed like you have never been shamed before! You are among the cruelest of our kind, to take advantage of such a poor and innocent soul as my own.
A recent historical analysis has shown that the Marines on Iwo Jima probably didn’t need six people to raise that flag.
“This iconic image evokes two feelings in the heart of the viewer: patriotism and inefficiency,” reads the report, noting that half of them barely have their hands on the flag pole.
Local sources have reported a car driving around Providence with an incomprehensible vanity plate. “I’m really not sure what it’s trying to say,” reported eyewitness Moses Liddle, trying to decipher what TO0P1E could possibly mean. “Is he trying to say toupee? Too Pie? Who would spend money on this?”
At press time, the owner of a car without a license plate has been determined to be either a victim of a crime or sovereign citizen.
A local family is reportedly relieved to hear that Grandpa forgot Grandpa’s birthday too.
“Thank God, that was a close one,” said Wendy Morgan, watching her newly 81-year-old father go about his day as usual. “My dad’s usually not one to forget, and we aren’t either! Well, mostly.
Experts predict that a local baby is definitely going to go by his middle name in a few years. “Well, it was my grandfather’s name you see. And his father’s name before him,” explained Leigh-Anne Todd, while changing the diaper of her son Bugshit Owen Todd.
A newly-released report recommends that you get a load of this guy. “Our findings suggest that it would be in the public’s best interest to check out what this goober is doing,” the report read, noting that this particular individual was fooling around beyond acceptable parameters.
POINT:
Ouch! What the hell? Oh, guess I’m dead now. At least I made it to bird heaven. I wonder if any other birds—no, that’s stupid. I bet every other bird here died from more normal causes, like a cat or that invisible wall on the big buildings that kills you instantly.
I’ve been doing this show for a while. After many years and many potential fathers and children, you can kind of tell who’s gonna be the father and who isn’t. But it doesn’t take an expert to know that this kid ain’t yours. Anybody could’ve told you that, I’m surprised the doorman didn’t.
Despite international and historical acclaim, Beethoven’s 5th Symphony fails yet again to chart on the Billboard Hot 100 for the 11,310th consecutive week.
“This guy’s supposedly one of the greatest musical minds in human history,” remarked Andre Kripke, amateur online music critic and professional dishwasher.
Recent reports indicate that a local dog is only being kept 30% dry by its little raincoat. “But just look at how cute he is in his little coat!” said Carrie Happis in reference to her sopping wet dog, Bugsy. “He might be getting a little wet, but nothing a little towel action can’t fix!”
“Initially, I thought I was overpaying for this raincoat.
Look, I definitely understand where you’re coming from, and I empathize with your position. But if I save you right now from this deadly drop, it wouldn’t be fair for the rest of the section. Let’s look at this situation from my perspective, okay? I’m up here, on top of this cliff, and I see one of my students dangling precariously over a steep canyon, slowly losing their grip on a tree root jutting from the cliff face.
This morning, a coalition representing this nation’s drowning swimmers announced plans to glurgh blugh glurbbb. “Powerful words from a historically marginalized group,” said a local lifeguard, giving a salute to the drowning swimmers in front of him.
Recent comments from a film critic about a horror movie’s themes of grief clearly show he missed the scary monster that kills people.
“The film expertly delivers a heart-wrenching display of the grief and guilt of losing a loved one,” said film critic Brendon Moutes, completely missing the grotesque, man-devouring swamp monster that the movie was clearly about.
In my 21-year career at the top of the NBA, I can say that I’ve done it all. 40,000 points, four championships, and a story that people will be telling for years to come. But before my career comes to an end, before I hang up the shoes and bid farewell to the hardwood, I’d like to impart a little wisdom on you all: The basketball going through the hoop and passing through the net is a metaphor for conception and birth.
This morning, an airplane safety video was reportedly being filmed in every location except inside an airplane. “When a passenger watches the safety demonstration video on the screen in front of them, they want to see something exciting!” claimed renowned director Kristen Palmentrop, while filming a cowboy demonstrating the seat belt mechanism on top of a bucking horse.
Hey, check this gold out. Pretty cool, huh? Who woulda thought that a guy like me would one day be the proud owner of real gold? I wish all my nay-sayers and doubters could see me now. I’d like to see the look on their stinkin’ faces when they realize that the ‘fool’ who lost all his money in that shredder accident is back on top, baby!
Ok, I’ll let you in on a little secret: I didn’t really find it.
This evening, your horse-sized friend is reporting that he isn’t really feeling the ketamine high.
“Well this is a little underwhelming,” said your friend, whose weight and size are roughly akin to that of a purebred palomino. “It’s alright, I guess.
Last Friday, the nation’s toddlers announced plans to use a second hand for counting.
“One hand and five fingers simply just doesn’t cut it anymore, we’re dealing with BIG numbers now”, said a toddler in support of the plan, between bouts of open-mouth coughing, “With the inclusion of a second hand, I’ll be able to count to numbers that I’ve only ever dreamed of, like 7 or a million!”
“It will be an adjustment for sure,” continued the toddler, while trying to count how many fast the dog is running, “With both hands in the counting business now, how am I gonna shove Legos up my nose?”
“As much of a change it will be to do two-hand counting, it’s a necessary step forward,” concluded the toddler, easily counting to one hundred using the ‘skip-a-few’ technique, “We’re only getting older, and one day we’ll be adults and have to do three, even four hand counting!
At press time, the toddlers ballparked your age somewhere between 10 and 67..
A recent report indicated that the person you are currently arguing with actually was born yesterday, you asshole.
“Records show that this little guy is one day old and doesn’t know anything,” the report read, in reference to the apparent infant that you’re insensitive ass just insulted.
Recently, an infinite amount of monkeys with typewriters have asked you to give their other writings a chance.
“We don’t want to write Shakespeare! Why would you want us to recreate something that’s already been done when we can offer you so much more?” asked Monkey #136,332, the elected representative of the incomprehensibly large cohort of typing monkeys.
Ok, let’s face it: It’s hot, it’s unpleasant, and the door to this enormous microwave won’t open no matter how hard I push. But as bad as it is, it could be worse! This is just a dry heat—there’s almost no humidity to speak of! I’ve lived in a lot of hot places: I grew up in Arizona, moved to Florida for college, and now I’m inside of a giant microwave from which I cannot escape.
Earlier today, the President approved a bill that would send an aid package of $6 billion and NBA superstar LeBron James to Ukraine.
“The conflict in Ukraine has become a dire situation, and neither the United States nor the Los Angeles Lakers can stand by and allow it to worsen.
Earlier today, the University announced plans to achieve absolutely nothing by 2030. “I’m very excited to unveil our University’s newest commitment to the future,” stated President Christina Paxson, gesturing to the completely blank slideshow behind her.
A recent report revealed that your post-high school connections have dwindled down to just your old English teacher and Chris.
“Everybody other than your tenth-grade English teacher and Chris from debate team is busy or just has better things to do,” the report read, in reference to the dozen or so people you saw every day for four years.
Junior Kristen Gaffe reported earlier that her relationship with her parents has never been more okayish. “My parents and I are definitely moving in a neutral direction, and I think it really stems from a mutual acknowledgment of my independence,” said Gaffe, adding that the weekly calls from home are now just inconvenient instead of painful.
A recent survey found that 9/10 dentists recommend you don’t let that other guy anywhere near your teeth. “Nobody knows where this guy came from, and none of us are brave enough to find out,” reported 90 percent of the dentists in the room, adding that you could do with a little more flossing once you’ve found somewhere safe to hide.
A local man is reportedly too polite to ask his intrusive thoughts to leave. “Oh, those old things?,” said Dwayne Schumer, referring to the horrible thoughts that have been haunting his conscience since early childhood. “No, I couldn’t possibly ask them to leave.
According to sources, a student was spotted on the Main Green deeply engrossed in a one-page summary of a book.
“Literature like this, you just gotta appreciate”, commented Will Bennet, while gazing in quiet admiration at the single sheet of paper in his hands.
Sources report that a tour guide getting paid to say good things about Brown has only good things to say.
“What can I say, this is a great school!” says tour guide Becca Platt, ‘24, while logging her tour hours in Workday to make bank. “All I’ve got is praise for this wonderful institution!”
“This is as authentic as it gets! These students deserve to know about our stressless finals and lively party scene,” Platt continued, reviewing her latest fat paycheck.
Addressing the nation from a televised broadcast, the CDC advised to stay away from Grandpa when he’s coughing like that. “We are working hard to identify his illness, but he’s kinda at that age where it could be anything,” said a CDC spokesperson, noting that Grandpa’s smoker lungs make just about anything sound like a death rattle.
Partly Cloudy, 64°
