“It’s a nice arrangement – Noah takes me for a walk, and I help him get some ass,” barked Stanley the dog, tail wagging and eyes wide as he watched a frisbee soar across the green. “The ladies love it when I stick out my tongue and roll around in the grass.”

“Oh shoot, three babes at ten o’clock,” continued Stanley as he began to wag his tail and excitedly run towards the approaching students. “I got you, Noah. You do the talking, and I’ll do the rest. No one can resist an invitation to rub my belly. Who wants in on tummy time! Paws to the sky! Oh, you want some more? Sun’s out, tongues out!”

At press time, another guy’s lizard was doing absolutely nothing.