Thursday, March 28, 2024
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The Brown Noser

Dan Wexler

Writer (Retired)

Dan's articles

Plants On Front Of Stage Indicate University Isn’t Fucking Around | Oct 31 2022

Sources report that Brown University admin have put plants on the front of the stage to indicate that they’re not fucking around. “Someone important must be here to speak,” said freshman Ian Johnson as he passed by the Salomon auditorium, noticing the diverse and elaborate display of flora lining the front of the stage.

Students Must Make Smart Choices And Buy Products From Companies That Sell Things By The BDH Opinion Section | Oct 31 2022

Wake up, Brown students. We’ve been asleep for too long. The world is burning and we’re all acting like nothing is happening. It’s time that we make smart choices and start buying products from companies that sell things. We’re smart. We can’t keep ignoring the ways our actions affect the world.

Gas Prices Drop Below $4 For First Time Since Last Time They Were Below $4 | Sep 16 2022

Drivers report that gas prices have dipped below $4 for the first time since the last time they were below $4. “I can’t remember the last time gas prices were this low!” exclaimed area mom Sarah Smit, forgetting that prices were this low the last time they were this low. “Guzzle guzzle guzzle goes the gas pump!” At press time, another source reported that today was the hottest day on record since the last hottest day.

Brown Outing Club Trip Just Looking Out WindowBrown Outing Club Trip Just Looking Out Window | Apr 22 2022

In their weekly “This Week Outside” email, the Brown Outing Club announced that one of their upcoming trips will just be looking out a window. “Everyone should plan to meet up in Smitty-B 204,” stated BOC co-president Joe Burgan ’22 as he buckled his backpack’s chest strap in preparation for his walk to class.

Dog On Main Green Happy To Help Owner Get Laid | Apr 22 2022

Sources on the Main Green report that a cute little Boston terrier named Stanley is happy to help his owner get laid. “It’s a nice arrangement – Noah takes me for a walk, and I help him get some ass,” barked Stanley the dog, tail wagging and eyes wide as he watched a frisbee soar across the green.

Study Finds Lost Wallet | Apr 22 2022

A recent study from the Greater Boston Clinical Research Institute found a lost wallet. “The whole team is really pleased with the results of this study: a wallet that someone left in our parking lot,” proclaimed lead scientist Dr. Van Hutten as he played around with the recently-found wallet.

It Was Insane Bro, We Went Down Gano Street And Then Up Gano Street by Providence Biker Gang | Apr 22 2022

Bro, it was so insane. You might want to sit down for this. We got on our bikes, left our helmets at the door, and then drove down Gano Street and then right back up Gano Street. Can you believe that? It was fucking primal dude. The rush of the wind, the rev of the engines, the honking of the cars – it was a symphony, and we were the fucking composers.

Two Laundry Machines Definitely Enough For 120-Person Dorm | Mar 11 2022

Multiple students have reported that two laundry machines are definitely enough for their 120-person dorm. “I love that I can always use a washing machine whenever I need to,” exclaimed Joanna Bergen ’24 as she walked downstairs to the laundry room in the basement of her dorm, hamper in hand, ready to use one of the two always-available laundry machines.

Report: Dropped Grape Still Rolling | Feb 04 2022

According to one hungry and clumsy source, that dropped grape is still rolling. “Huh, look at it go,” the hungry source mumbled, a look of awe on his face as he watched the wet, glossy grape roll all the way across the kitchen and then down a flight of stairs. “That’s really something.” At press time, the grape, now in the living room, showed no signs of slowing down.

Dad Turns Off Driving Directions Because He Knows How To Get Home From Here | Feb 04 2022

Sources report that local dad Larry Smit has turned off his driving directions because he knows how to get home from here. “I know how to get home from here,” Smit proclaimed, a proud smile on his face because he knows the area so well and therefore knows how to get home from here.