“My parents didn’t think it was worth the money for me to come back to campus,” said junior Melissa Davies, who plans to stock up at High Spirits before starting quarantine at Brown. “But I will personally give Christina Paxson whatever she wants if it means I can drink in a Keeney single instead of here at home.”

“The college experience is definitely going to look different this year,” Davies admitted, confident that she would rather spend two months in a moldy dorm instead of, say, purchasing a reasonably priced used car for the same amount of money. “Sure, there won’t be parties or concerts. But I’ve been drinking wine alone in my cramped twin bed at home for the last seven months. I’m more than ready to start drinking wine alone in a cramped twin bed at Brown University.”

“Now, instead of listening to my cat cough up hairballs, maybe I’ll get to hear other lonely students throwing up after too many White Claws,” Davies said, anticipating the thrill of a dorm’s communal restroom after months of sharing a half-bath with her younger brother. “It’ll be just like freshman year again!”

At press time, Davies was insisting that a diet solely consisting of Ratty takeout was clearly worth $6,000.