“Y’know, I was only a few beers in, and I really didn’t want to pay for the Uber, and I just felt like I could totally do it,” said Simpson. “But halfway through my drive home, I saw this really clever poem on the highway about how I should totally not do that. And it worked! I just up and got out of the car and Ubered home.”

According to Simpson, the poem in question reportedly read, “Are you drunkenly driving a vehicle? / You are not being very strategical, / Drive carefully Stan, / Or come up with a plan, / That doesn’t rely on a miracle.”

“I could’ve sworn the thing had my actual name in it too,” said Simpson, looking fraught with doubt. “I just felt suddenly overpowered by this urge to stop driving… I don’t know, maybe I was just drunk.”

At press time, seatbelt use has skyrocketed thanks to a new silly little rhyming couplet.