Addressing the Brown community, Paxson wrote, “I am thrilled to announce that baby John Melanson has accepted a post as Associate Dean of the College" in an email describing the baby as a “productive and engaged scholar."

Adding that baby Melanson has “the academic and behavioral aptitude this school’s deans typically possess,” Paxson wrote, “Baby Melanson’s loud wailing will be an asset for drowning out student opinions, and his lack of knowledge about the world around him will go a long way towards issuing the arbitrary rulings our deans are known for.”

Additionally, Paxson wrote that the way baby Melanson forcefully exited his mother’s birth canal proved that the baby would be particularly adept at forcing students to exit school through imposed medical leaves, one of the University’s most sought-after qualities for its deans.