Christian's articles
Searching for answers, local man Andrew Miller reportedly phrased all of his Google searches in the form of a question last week. Sources said that Miller, whose search queries included “did Russell Crowe star in 2009 thriller State of Play”, “what to watch after finishing 2009 thriller State of Play”, and “is Russell Crowe’s directorial debut The Water Diviner a good movie to watch with friends”, had continued this behavior in spite of numerous patronizing lessons from his children.
Market research firm Nielsen announced Friday that the number of gold-buying shops declaring ‘The price of gold is at an all-time high’ was at an all-time high. “Our research revealed that there has never been a better time than now for gold-buying shops to declare ‘there has never been a better time than now’ to sell your gold," said Nielsen analyst Ben Smith, who, before the spike in declarations of the spike in gold’s value, had had no idea he could turn the unwanted gold in his pocket into cold, hard cash.
Celebrating another high-profile addition to the University’s stellar dean corps, University President Christina Paxson announced in an email Sunday the birth and subsequent hiring of Dean John Melanson, a healthy three-day-old baby.
Addressing the Brown community, Paxson wrote, “I am thrilled to announce that baby John Melanson has accepted a post as Associate Dean of the College" in an email describing the baby as a “productive and engaged scholar."
Adding that baby Melanson has “the academic and behavioral aptitude this school’s deans typically possess,” Paxson wrote, “Baby Melanson’s loud wailing will be an asset for drowning out student opinions, and his lack of knowledge about the world around him will go a long way towards issuing the arbitrary rulings our deans are known for.”
Additionally, Paxson wrote that the way baby Melanson forcefully exited his mother’s birth canal proved that the baby would be particularly adept at forcing students to exit school through imposed medical leaves, one of the University’s most sought-after qualities for its deans..
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