“This marks the largest investment in the arts in the history of the world,” said University President Christina Paxson from the seat of a bulldozer in Cranston, RI. “Never before has a University committed this many resources to taking over a state and turning it into the Perelman Arts District.

The initiative was made possible by a very modest gift from Ronald O. Perelman, noted businessman and aspiring philanthropist. The “massive arts investment project” includes 345 new signs to mark the district, several million square feet of new area covered by the signs, and a new art installation that features hundreds of new signs with maps on them.

“Although this is a big moment for Brown, this is not the end of our commitment to advancing the arts in all forms,” continued Paxson, hammering a bright red sign reading ‘Perelman Arts District’ into the ground in front of the Rhode Island State House. “If you would like to contribute to our future efforts to bring the arts to neighboring states, please go to brown.edu to make a donation today."

At press time, the University had written off its entire property tax budget as a donation to the arts.