Sam's articles
Sources have confirmed that the weirdly territorial dog on the Main Green doesn’t even attend Brown University.
“I was just trying to drink my Blue Room coffee and get some reading done out on the Main Green when this massive German Shepard came galloping at me and barking loudly,” said Penny McLoughlin ’26 while the dog chased a RISD student wearing cat ears around University Hall.
Recent reports are claiming the University’s hippest professor is actually just immature.
“Hey, just call me Will. No need to be so formal. We’re all just humans here. Professors, students, I just see us as a group of people striving for truth—and hopefully having a little bit of fun.
Today in class, Professor Septopodra announced that only seniors who were born on a blue blood wolf moon and are left-handed will receive an override code.
“I’m aware that there is enormous demand for this course, so in the interest of fairness I’ve resorted to objective methods to determine who will ultimately be able to enroll in Contemporary Ethics of Systemic Semantic Analysis of Contemporary Systems of Ethics,” declared the Professor, while casually jotting the names of prospective students onto a Oujia board.
For those concentrating in Comparative Literature, being asked about plans for after graduation now constitutes a micro-aggression.
“This kind of violent language where career-advantaged students flaunt their privilege by asking about post-grad plans is unacceptable at a modern University such as Brown,” stated Kasey Smith-Cotrell ’24 who has loose plans to travel abroad or film a documentary after graduating this spring.
Yesterday, the Brown Undergraduate Council of Students unveiled a groundbreaking and long awaited new plan to add one chair to the Stephen Robert ‘62 Campus Center.
“This is a historic moment for the campus. The plan marks a renewed commitment on behalf of student government to facilitate sitting at Brown.
A recent report indicated that if you had simply filled out a survey you would have gotten a free pair of AirPods, dumbass.
“The survey was emailed to you several months ago and would have given you a pair of free AirPods if you had filled it out,” stated the report from the Critical Review team, adding that you were basically lighting money on fire by not filling out the 5-minute survey.
Local police have announced that late last night, an elderly gentleman infiltrated a local home to give a package to a 6-year-old.
“A 6-foot tall, 70-year-old white man with facial hair and a stocky build was spotted fleeing the premises around 0000 hours last night,” warned local police officer Neal Loter, horrified that such a heinous break-in would occur on Christmas Eve of all nights.
Last week, the University announced plans to expand the Perelman Arts District to cover the entire state of Rhode Island.
“This marks the largest investment in the arts in the history of the world,” said University President Christina Paxson from the seat of a bulldozer in Cranston, RI.
Brown professor Gary Hendrikerson must find and kiss the Dean before the clock strikes midnight or risk losing the chance at tenure forever.
“I’ve published on average a paper every two months, and given talks at eleven different conferences,” said Hendrikerson, worried that it will go to waste if he can’t break the evil witch’s spell through the power of true love’s kiss.
According to sources at Brown University, mischief is afoot. “Don’t ask me how I know, but I know. There is definitely mischief afoot on this campus,” Stated DPS Officer Horatio Cuffs, sniffing the air suspiciously and checking underneath traffic cones for any possible signs of mischief.
A Brown University TA reportedly resorted to begging on hands and knees for someone to answer a question during section last Tuesday.
“Please, please, I’ll do anything! Someone just please pretend to care for five seconds!” said CSCI 200 TA Rob Euoualie ’24, dropping to his knees while facing the seven students out of 30 who had shown up for the mandatory section.
A closer look at a local dorm’s GroupMe revealed that the contents of the group chat to consist solely of passive aggressive messages about the status of the washing and drying machines.
“hey guys! i know you guys are really busy with midterm season right now but i would really appreciate it if everyone could recognize that you are disrupting my gcal by not taking your laundry load out on time thanks :)” read a message from frazzled student Mary Vanderhougthen ’25.
Newly hired Provost Francis J. Doyle III has announced that his top priority upon starting his new position at Brown will be to find out what a Provost does and what the job entails.
“The Provost is an extremely important position. I know this because they probably wouldn’t be making such a big deal out of me getting hired if it wasn’t,” stated Doyle, determined to get to the bottom of the mystery.
According to local sources, Gary Bornstein, father of Harry Bornstein ’25, is popping onto a FaceTime call between Harry and his mother right now.
“Hey Sport! How are finals going? You studying real hard?” said Gary, blissfully unaware he was interrupting a serious conversation between Harry and his mother.
Sources report that scholars in the Brown University School of Public Health are hard at work manufacturing the release of a new virus in order to regain their relevance. “I just really miss feeling important,” said the dean of the School of Public Health, Dr.
Earlier this week, Brown University officials expressed frustration over the impossible-to-foresee flooding of buildings across campus that flood every time it rains. “There is just absolutely no way to predict the way that rain flows from high areas to low areas, and prepare for that fact,” stated a genuinely baffled unnamed University official.
Rhode Island plans to allow dispensaries to begin selling recreational cannabis starting on December 1st, meaning students on campus will be able to try marijuana for the first time ever. “I’m really excited to smoke weed for the first time ever! I’m super thankful for all the Rhode Island legislators and activists that are making it possible for students on campus to finally try pot! ” said Tyler Thigsburton ‘23, with the air of a small child going trick or treating.
Anatomy student Luke Williams ‘26 is being charged with academic misconduct after allegedly looking at his reflection in a classroom window during an exam. “I was sitting in Friedman taking my anatomy midterm, and I needed to refresh my memory so I took a quick peek at myself in the reflection from the window.” said Williams, denying any wrongdoing.
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