“My mother wasn’t always the nicest woman, but she kept it real. She raised me to be the person I am today, and I can’t imagine anyone else raising me like Mom,” choked out Hamden, in a statement that would instantly feel disingenuous the moment the eulogy was over. “Today, we celebrate my mother’s life. And it’s only fitting that we send her off on a high note. Jazz hands!”

At press time, Hamden was seen somberly dancing over his mother’s grave.